As Carters is finally awarded its first Michelin Star Moseley residents have risen as one to celebrate the moment that we’re finally as good as Harborne. The people of Harborne have long lauded it over us with their so called fine dining but all that’s changing now. Yes, Harborne has got the best fancy dress based carnival in the country, yes Harborne has got a posh swimming pool and yes Harborne does have the only Bathstore in South Birmingham. But so what? We all know swimming is stupid, and fancy dress is ridiculous. Low cost, high quality bathrooms are quite a good thing, we’ll give them that. Look at all we’ve got, we’ve got a secret park, we’ve got a supplementary planning document and we’ve even got a 20 year old promise to open our railway station. People in Harborne don’t think about going to work on the train, no they get buses (like we do but it won’t be like this in the future). Most importantly we have the Michelin Star restaurant that we deserve. This wouldn’t have happened if they’d opened a Tesco next door. No this happened because Moseley is on the front line fighting for the entitlement of the Middle Classes. There is also a fairly significant contribution from Brad and Holly who make all the food. So come on Harborne, do you want some?
High Street regeneration experts and gastronauts are expected to land on Moseley High Street this week to witness the revolution in food retail that is happening on our doorsteps. The opening of Moseley’s sixth South Asian eatery has confounded experts who have long maintained that Moseley reached peak curry some time ago. One expert told us “This is fascinating, who would risk everything to open a curry house in an area where there are already restaurants providing nearly one thousand covers within meters? In fact who would bother trying to break into this market when you’re less than a mile from the single greatest concentration of South Asian restaurants in Europe. Anyone that’s got the nerve to do that must have spotted a gap in the market that’s eluded everyone else.” We asked curry experts just what could be behind this bold move. Mr Kababish, who has supplied curry to Moseley for over 30 years, told us “We’re baffled, Piquant have got the market in curly poppadoms mostly sown up, Imlees have specialised in putting an egg on top of everything, the Tipu Sultan have the incongruous use of heavy artillery as décor, even we’ve cornered the market in crazy offers where we sell you curry for nothing for no apparent reason. What are they going to do? Make curry out of gold? LOL. Actually I think Priya make their curry out of gold.” Long time readers will remember the great Moseley hairpocalypse of 2002 where the saturation of […]
We told you this would happen. You wouldn’t listen would you? Sitting there in your big house swooning over the oligarchs moving in next door. When Wetherspoons first tried to move into Moseley in 2000 we told you it would undermine the very fabric of our village. We told you that it was only the start and we’d be overwhelmed with “chain” businesses forcing the plucky entrepreneurs from our High Street. Now 15 years later it’s all coming true. It looks like the mega-chain Boston Tea Party are coming and they’re going to take our land. If that wasn’t affront enough it looks like they’re planning on building a functional business on one of our much cherished empty garages. We need to make this stop. We have ten empty retail premises in Moseley and if they keep getting hoovered up at this rate it will be only 150 years before Moseley High Street looks nothing like it does today. Is that what you want? Well that’s what’s going to happen. If we’re going to stop Moseley from being trampled under the jack boot of capitalism we need to pull together. We managed it when we saw off those developers who wanted to build us a new GP Surgery with much needed Primary Care capacity. We kicked them out of town and we’ve got a large empty site to prove it. We need to tell these people that whilst we do like an artisan tea we only want one that’s […]
There was a growing concern across Moseley today as residents and shoppers alike reported that their eyes were bleeding. It has been confirmed that what was intended as an eye catching redecoration of the much loved Fino mens hairdressers has resulted in a number of retinas literally exploding. Mr Fino told us “You don’t like it? It’s green with just a hint of yellow. At night it lights up the village just like it was day. You can also see it from space…… apparently.” A typically livid response from the Moseley Society simply read “It’ll have to go.” When asked to expand on this they told us “Yes, this is a conservation area but we’re not trying to conserve rainbows”.
Moseley has been placed on a state of high alert following the prospect of an early finish to the Test Match at Edgbaston. Police have warned that a premature England victory could unleash a hoard of thirsty men onto our streets and into our pubs. A representative of the police told us “In many ways this is the perfect storm. A sunny day, a surprise England win and men that have psychologically prepared themselves to drink for at least six hours and none of them have to go to work tomorrow. They will not be stopped. You’ve got to remember that for many of these men this is the first time they’ve been allowed to have a pint in the day without their wives watching since 2005.” Experts have told us that many will be deterred by the seemingly insurmountable hill of Salisbury Road and will fan out across Edgbaston to forage for beer. Somewhat dubious of this theory a local resident told us “If you’re a grown man and you’ve gone to watch sport dressed as a fucking Flintstone then you’re going to want to drink in a proper pub with a proper beer garden, are you going to find that in Stirchley? I doubt it very much.” Civil defence experts have advised Moseley residents to leave the centre of the village as quickly and safely as possible with the chilling warning “There will be vomit.”
As another Mostly Jazz Festival ends it appears that the weekend did not go without a significant amount of controversy. Whilst 2015 was largely judged to have better bands than last year, many people expressed some deep reservations about the quality of the audience. This year saw a significant move towards the smooth jazz that you’d expect at a jazz festival. Unfortunately this had the unintended consequence of exponentially increasing the number of people reading the Daily Mail and braying about how much better off they are since the last budget redistributed money from the poor to them. A spokesperson for the Jazz Festival told us “You can’t deny Gregory Porter’s musical ability, unfortunately the people who like him buy most of their CDs in Asda and would much rather talk incessantly rather than listen to the bloke. We’d purposefully tried to exclude them by booking Public Enemy. Unfortunately all that did is give them a slightly edgy story to tell a couple from Bristol as they’re eating chips in the Algarve in August. Have you ever tried to run a jazz festival? It’s really hard. The economic fact is that if you try and play proper jazz then virtually nobody will turn up, and the ones that would are a bit weird.” Public Enemy also brought controversy with them as their set finished in an impassioned speech about the need for people to live together and the inability to find anywhere within the festival site that sold a bacon […]
On Saturday (30th) it will be the second Eye Survive Spring Fair. This takes place at All Saints Church Kings Heath. We’re not promoting this just because it’s an eye based event. We’re promoting it because Iain has been a good friend to Eye on Moseley since we started doing this many years ago. Eye Survive is raising money for treatment for ocular melanoma, for both Iain and others that have this rare sort of cancer. That’s a good cause. We went to last year’s fair and it was a great start to Summer. Saturday’s Fair promises everything from food to live music by way of stalls and even the chance to beat Iain at chess. You won’t beat him, he’s very good at it, but it’s worth a go. It all starts at 10am, so go along and help raise some cash. If you want to read more about Iain’s story then there was something in B13 Magazine back in February. Nip over there and read it.
More despondency across Moseley today as the process of steady gentrification takes yet another victim. Last week the HSBC was forced to close taking its much loved cashpoints with it. The steady demographic change that we’ve seen in recent years seems to have made a business climate that HSBC just couldn’t survive in. The ex-manager of Moseley HSBC told us “Everyone knows we like to play it fast and loose with money. We’re THE bank if you’re running a Mexican drug cartel or selling arms to Iranians, and that worked out well in Moseley in the 90s. Back then the only currency people bothered about was a handful of pills for the weekend and a weight of coke shoved down your sock. Those were happy days for us, we were raking powder white tenners in every Monday. These days all people care about is how posh their sausages are. There’s no profit in processed pork.” Once again a partially treasured Moseley landmark is cast into the past. We’ll remember HSBC for having possibly the greatest commitment to disability access and a pretty hostile attitude to people parking behind it.
Another week and another hustings. This time it was the General Election hustings. That means these are people applying for a proper job with sixty seven grand a year, a four day week and a posh flat in London. You would think that given the stakes being so high AND taking place somewhere that served beer, this would have been a thrilling affair. It wasn’t, in all of the hustings I’ve ever been to this has to be the most tedious two and a half hours I’ve sat through. Do you want to know who’s standing and what they said to introduce themselves? Roger Godsiff (Labour) – Roger is our sitting MP so has a track record to back up. This was his moment to report back on everything he’s done. For some reason he decided not to. His opening address consisted of his analysis that he doesn’t think there will be a majority victory and he really likes the NHS. That was it. He then sat down and did a good impression of a man that was about to literally die of boredom. Elly Stanton (Green) – Elly is also standing in the local elections so I feel like I’ve seen a lot of her recently. Elly is always late to the hustings, it’s her thing. Last night was no exception, though this time she did make it before she was supposed to speak. Her introduction consisted of a list of things that Caroline Lucas has done as an MP for Brighton. It […]
Hustings are that perfect moment in an election where bland questions violently clash with people pretending to be interested. In a bit of a change from recent trends it looked like numbers were a bit down on previous years, probably because people were scared to spend over two hours sitting on chairs designed for eight year olds. What sort of torture is this where you make adults sit on tiny chairs and listen to vacuous platitudes? It’s no wonder they say young people don’t like politics. It’s like literally getting sent back to school. You know the format with this. Each candidate makes an opening statement and then they get to answer questions from the electorate. To spice things up a bit this year David, the Chair, asked all the candidates to keep their opening address to “what will you would bring to Moseley and Kings Heath?” Obviously each candidate had already written their opening statement so it might have been best to have emailed them the night before to let them know this. Needless to say they all ignored the question, which is fair enough. This is what they had to say:- Martin Straker-Welds (Labour) – A flawless answer from Martin, studiously listing the vast array of Labour achievements that the Council have delivered since taking power back in 2012. You know, living wage, safer children a community that respects recycling. Almost the perfect answer for anyone who doesn’t live in Birmingham or ever reads the news. No mention of a […]