Moseley has been placed on a state of high alert following the prospect of an early finish to the Test Match at Edgbaston. Police have warned that a premature England victory could unleash a hoard of thirsty men onto our streets and into our pubs. A representative of the police told us “In many ways this is the perfect storm. A sunny day, a surprise England win and men that have psychologically prepared themselves to drink for at least six hours and none of them have to go to work tomorrow. They will not be stopped. You’ve got to remember that for many of these men this is the first time they’ve been allowed to have a pint in the day without their wives watching since 2005.” Experts have told us that many will be deterred by the seemingly insurmountable hill of Salisbury Road and will fan out across Edgbaston to forage for beer. Somewhat dubious of this theory a local resident told us “If you’re a grown man and you’ve gone to watch sport dressed as a fucking Flintstone then you’re going to want to drink in a proper pub with a proper beer garden, are you going to find that in Stirchley? I doubt it very much.” Civil defence experts have advised Moseley residents to leave the centre of the village as quickly and safely as possible with the chilling warning “There will be vomit.”
As another Mostly Jazz Festival ends it appears that the weekend did not go without a significant amount of controversy. Whilst 2015 was largely judged to have better bands than last year, many people expressed some deep reservations about the quality of the audience. This year saw a significant move towards the smooth jazz that you’d expect at a jazz festival. Unfortunately this had the unintended consequence of exponentially increasing the number of people reading the Daily Mail and braying about how much better off they are since the last budget redistributed money from the poor to them. A spokesperson for the Jazz Festival told us “You can’t deny Gregory Porter’s musical ability, unfortunately the people who like him buy most of their CDs in Asda and would much rather talk incessantly rather than listen to the bloke. We’d purposefully tried to exclude them by booking Public Enemy. Unfortunately all that did is give them a slightly edgy story to tell a couple from Bristol as they’re eating chips in the Algarve in August. Have you ever tried to run a jazz festival? It’s really hard. The economic fact is that if you try and play proper jazz then virtually nobody will turn up, and the ones that would are a bit weird.” Public Enemy also brought controversy with them as their set finished in an impassioned speech about the need for people to live together and the inability to find anywhere within the festival site that sold a bacon […]
On Saturday (30th) it will be the second Eye Survive Spring Fair. This takes place at All Saints Church Kings Heath. We’re not promoting this just because it’s an eye based event. We’re promoting it because Iain has been a good friend to Eye on Moseley since we started doing this many years ago. Eye Survive is raising money for treatment for ocular melanoma, for both Iain and others that have this rare sort of cancer. That’s a good cause. We went to last year’s fair and it was a great start to Summer. Saturday’s Fair promises everything from food to live music by way of stalls and even the chance to beat Iain at chess. You won’t beat him, he’s very good at it, but it’s worth a go. It all starts at 10am, so go along and help raise some cash. If you want to read more about Iain’s story then there was something in B13 Magazine back in February. Nip over there and read it.
More despondency across Moseley today as the process of steady gentrification takes yet another victim. Last week the HSBC was forced to close taking its much loved cashpoints with it. The steady demographic change that we’ve seen in recent years seems to have made a business climate that HSBC just couldn’t survive in. The ex-manager of Moseley HSBC told us “Everyone knows we like to play it fast and loose with money. We’re THE bank if you’re running a Mexican drug cartel or selling arms to Iranians, and that worked out well in Moseley in the 90s. Back then the only currency people bothered about was a handful of pills for the weekend and a weight of coke shoved down your sock. Those were happy days for us, we were raking powder white tenners in every Monday. These days all people care about is how posh their sausages are. There’s no profit in processed pork.” Once again a partially treasured Moseley landmark is cast into the past. We’ll remember HSBC for having possibly the greatest commitment to disability access and a pretty hostile attitude to people parking behind it.
Another week and another hustings. This time it was the General Election hustings. That means these are people applying for a proper job with sixty seven grand a year, a four day week and a posh flat in London. You would think that given the stakes being so high AND taking place somewhere that served beer, this would have been a thrilling affair. It wasn’t, in all of the hustings I’ve ever been to this has to be the most tedious two and a half hours I’ve sat through. Do you want to know who’s standing and what they said to introduce themselves? Roger Godsiff (Labour) – Roger is our sitting MP so has a track record to back up. This was his moment to report back on everything he’s done. For some reason he decided not to. His opening address consisted of his analysis that he doesn’t think there will be a majority victory and he really likes the NHS. That was it. He then sat down and did a good impression of a man that was about to literally die of boredom. Elly Stanton (Green) – Elly is also standing in the local elections so I feel like I’ve seen a lot of her recently. Elly is always late to the hustings, it’s her thing. Last night was no exception, though this time she did make it before she was supposed to speak. Her introduction consisted of a list of things that Caroline Lucas has done as an MP for Brighton. It […]
Hustings are that perfect moment in an election where bland questions violently clash with people pretending to be interested. In a bit of a change from recent trends it looked like numbers were a bit down on previous years, probably because people were scared to spend over two hours sitting on chairs designed for eight year olds. What sort of torture is this where you make adults sit on tiny chairs and listen to vacuous platitudes? It’s no wonder they say young people don’t like politics. It’s like literally getting sent back to school. You know the format with this. Each candidate makes an opening statement and then they get to answer questions from the electorate. To spice things up a bit this year David, the Chair, asked all the candidates to keep their opening address to “what will you would bring to Moseley and Kings Heath?” Obviously each candidate had already written their opening statement so it might have been best to have emailed them the night before to let them know this. Needless to say they all ignored the question, which is fair enough. This is what they had to say:- Martin Straker-Welds (Labour) – A flawless answer from Martin, studiously listing the vast array of Labour achievements that the Council have delivered since taking power back in 2012. You know, living wage, safer children a community that respects recycling. Almost the perfect answer for anyone who doesn’t live in Birmingham or ever reads the news. No mention of a […]
Exciting times are ahead of us as St Mary’s Church announces that it’s been given significant amounts of Lottery cash to build Birmingham’s very first sex park. The Church grounds have long been associated with public displays of affection so it seemed only natural to embrace these most basic expressions of humanity and turn them into cash. The vicar for St Mary’s told us “Essentially I got fed up of the constant baiting from other vicars that reckon all we we’re famous for is people going at it in the graveyard. Well, we’re here to serve the whole community and it’s clear that significant parts of the community can’t keep their trousers on. So our plan is to get a bit of tarmac down over there, knock a hole in the wall and build a ramp into the church yard. It’ll be a bit steep but we’ve been reliably told you should be able to get an old Cortina in there if you keep it in a low gear. Then we throw open the gates and let people express themselves. I’m told we can also get Stan Collymore for about £80.” The Heritage Lottery fund told us “It’s not the usual thing we fund but really what’s the worst that can happen?” There has been understandable concern from neighbours. The King Edward Road residents association told us “We’re worried about the smell”.
You’d think that Moseley was more than accustomed to winning ways after knocking back Britain in Bloom trophies like they were sweet heroin but in the last few days there has been a definite feeling that we are finally alive. That’s because we’ve won something. We’re not entirely sure what we’ve won but we are quite sure that we’ve won something. Over the weekend it was announced by the Sunday Times that Moseley is officially the best place to live. Which surprised many of us as nobody seems remember entering that competition. A hastily arranged press conference by the Moseley Forum told us “We’re delighted that we’ve won this coveted award but we’d like to take this opportunity to warn people that now isn’t the time to get too excited. We all remember 1986 when we won the prize for best urban area with a B13 post code. That turned out to be a man trying to con us out of £100. We’re not letting that happen again. We should know more about what we’ve won when Geoff gets back from Weston. We understand he knows someone that subscribes to the Sunday Times and they might be able to tell us what it says. He went down there for the weekend as the weather was quite nice on Saturday”. A spokesperson for Harborne Neighbourhood Forum told us “You’re shitting me aren’t you?” We’d like to point out that we’re as pleased as anyone to find out that all we really […]
With a general election just around the corner it’s little wonder that all political parties are suddenly finding vast amounts of cash to get you to vote for them. What has come as a surprise to most people is that Moseley is at the centre of the UK’s white hot economic growth. In a radical change of a economic thinking the Conservatives have announced that they are dropping their position of battering the poor as a driver for economic growth and will instead be focussing all of their attention on investment in infrastructure. At the top of this list is the ongoing civil engineering work to replace the traffic lights on St Mary’s Row. David Cameron told us “The new traffic lights on St Mary’s Row are a clear demonstration to foreign investors that we in United Kingdom are committed to the sort of investment that helps business. I dream of a day that a young person at Queensbridge School will be able to look down the road and see the single biggest engineering project in Europe and hope they too will be able to work on it. ” It is hoped that when complete the new traffic lights will be able to support traffic to easily transition from St Mary’s Row to Salisbury Road and cross Alcester Road whilst posing no danger to other traffic and pedestrians. The different combinations of traffic confusion that could arise are literally mind boggling. The reason why the traffic […]
Moseley Park and Pool have this week launched an investigation after it has become clear to park visitors that the new swan isn’t functioning as expected. It was hoped that the addition of a black swan would be a symbol of Moseley’s rich history of tolerance and inclusivity but instead it has left a bitter taste in the mouth of officials as it has become obvious that it can’t fly. In a rapidly arranged press conference the Park and Pool told us “We admit that eBay probably isn’t the best place to buy a swan but we spoke to the bloke who used to own it and he reassured us it was pretty well new. He’d told us that in the last park it was always flying about and if anything we’d spend most of our time wondering whether it would ever come down to the ground. Sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case. We are concerned that its fragile psychological state could be affected by the taunting of our somewhat more agile duck population and we’re looking to implement a system of pastoral support for it. We only ask that you keep your dogs under control and don’t let them eat it. We will be looking at any redress we can obtain via the small claims court.”