When Salisbury Road exploded in a shower of human excrement it caused all of our thoughts and prayers to be directed to this most cherished part of Moseley. As the community was sealed off from human contact many of us wondered about the practical things. Would they all smell bad? Would their isolation cause social norms to collapse and a feral form of humanity to evolve? A week after Salisbury Road was closed to the rest of us it seemed our fears were unfounded. Yes, it smells a bit but it’s no worse than King Heath High Street. Ok, laws aren’t applied in the same way as before but it’s a good-natured lawlessness, like an episode of Minder. As a result of this unexpected closure, a decision has been taken to make it permanent. A Council spokesperson told us “We’ve done the maths and it seems that those houses most inconvenienced by the closure of Salisbury Road are, on average, 15% smaller than the houses actually on Salisbury Road. As house size is a fairly good indicator of human decency we have decided to close Salisbury Road to everyone except the good people that live there”. A jubilant resident’s association member told us “Let’s be clear this isn’t one of those liberal traffic calming things. You’re all banned. Including cyclists and pedestrians. In many ways the walkers are the worst, looking through our windows gasping at our massive tellys. Get out of here, we’re going to have a street party […]
Hot on the heels of M&S raising Moseley’s retail offer to a previously unimaginable level of luxury we now see our spiritual life similarly revitalised. For many, the acquisition of Pitmaston House by the Scientologists was just one of the rumours up there with Toyah Wilcox living on Wake Green Road. This week we realised it wasn’t just a rumour; though we had got a fair few hints through eight years worth of planning applications and the massive sign on the front of the building. The opening of the new Church of Scientology has made many of us understandably worried so we approached the Church for some insight into their plans. They told us “We have come to Moseley because like no other area of Birmingham it symbolises the values we believe in. Moseley has scientifically been proven to be the most gullible part of the West Midlands. You consistently vote for anyone that promises you a railway station and the centre of your High Street is a shop that makes money out of getting people to drink their own urine. To be honest, we want a bit of that action, the easily led bit, not the piss drinking bit, that’s disgusting. So basically, whatever you might have heard we’re not going to brainwash your kids and nick your money. Also, the cricket pitch in front of Britannic is just the right size for a spaceship” In a statement Moseley Forum told us “For the love of God does anyone […]
We took a vow of silence until it opened but now Marks & Spencer is here we feel born again. We feel free to express ourselves on the everyday happenings in Moseley, secure in the knowledge that once again Moseley is the sort of place that the Sunday Times might write nice things about. We can exclusively reveal some of the surprising things available to all Moseley residents as they ponder what’s for dinner tonight. Taking our cue from modern websites we’ve put together a list of things. It was going to be a list of ten things, we respect the decimal system. Unfortunately, we ran out at nine. This article is in no way sponsored by Marks and Spencer or any associated corporation. The old song might say, Yes, We Have No Bananas but that’s not true in Moseley M&S. Today we counted nearly one hundred bananas. Many of them were in “bunches”, as banana fans like to call them. We’re not sure about the colour but have been told, by an expert, that this is completely normal. M&S has a Cava alarm. At any point during the day the manager can set this alarm off and it means that there is £3 off any bottle of Cava for the twenty minutes that the alarm is going off. Beware though, if you haven’t succeeded in paying for your bubbly treat by the time the alarm stops you have to drink the entire bottle on the spot. Whilst we […]
As soon as they announced there was no PA we knew there was going to be trouble. For an election that nobody wanted it certainly dragged a lot of people out to listen to four candidates explain why the Hall Green constituency is not a foregone conclusion. This year’s Hustings Chair was a return for David Isgrove, one of Moseley Forum’s previous Chairs. As he announced that the current Moseley Forum Chair was not able to host this meeting because she had joined the Lib Dems, there was a gentle frisson of tension across the audience. We all realised that shit had just got real. David has an individual style of chairing hustings that usually involves ensuring he gets the first chance to answer the questions and scrupulously ensuring that his bias for the Conservative candidate is obvious to all. Each candidate got to make an opening statement. Jerry Evans (Lib Dems) – Jerry has regularly stood for this job and is an old hand at Hall Green hustings. He represented Springfield for 13 years (does anyone know where Springfield is?). He would be a committed MP and demonstrate that through writing a newsletter and promising to live in Dovey Road. This possibly takes the rules about living in the constituency too literally. As a Councillor, he wrote over 34,000 letters for constituents. For anyone that turned up to the 2015 hustings that’s an increase of 2,000 letters in just over twenty-four months. That includes the […]
It’s exciting times in Moseley. It seems that Mr Mayor, Andy Street, has kept his promise and started immediate work on opening Moseley station. Maintaining his reputation as the sort of man that gets thing done, he has started getting things done. He told us “I woke up on Saturday morning and realised a new day had dawned on the West Midlands, both literally and figuratively. I threw off my 4.5 tog Hungarian goose feather duvet, ripped open my Alexander leaf lined curtains and remembered the promises I had made to the good people of Moseley. I said to myself “Andy, you’re a man of your word and you told the people of Moseley that they would have a new railway line and by Jiminy that’s what you’ve got to give them”. So I telephoned for an Uber on my Apple iPhone 7 plus and headed for Woodbridge Road. After spending years working behind the tills I’m used to working on a Saturday, that’s what you get with a man of business. Anyway, I’ve been using my Spear & Jackson digging spade and I’ve made two trenches that the metal things will go in. I’ve got a man coming on Wednesday to plug it all in. I think you should be able to use the train on Friday, we probably need to let it settle in a bit because of health and safety. If there are any problems let me know, I’ll be in Sutton Coldfield building one hundred thousand executive […]
Do you remember 2012? When referendums were new and exciting and they came to us and asked us “Do you want a mayor?”, and we rose with one voice and said “No, we don’t want a mayor.” Well, the will of the people doesn’t mean quite the same thing when it doesn’t threaten to cause a rift in the Conservative party. OK, it’s not quite the same job we turned down, this new mayor won’t have the budget that a Birmingham mayor would have, they won’t have anywhere near the powers that a Birmingham mayor would have had and will cover a geographic area that I defy anyone to try and draw. Any hustings is only as good as the person chairing and whether they can resist giving their own answers to each question. This year we got Karen Osborne from Brandwood Forum. Each candidate gave a quick introduction followed by four questions for all candidates, and then some random local questions thrown in. I’m not going through all of it. It was a long long meeting where all of the candidates agreed on just about everything. Graham Stevenson (Communist Party) – Graham doesn’t want to be mayor, he doesn’t think there should even be a mayor, good man. He likes big meetings, he doesn’t like neo-liberal economics and believes all the money is hidden in the Cayman Islands. Always good to end on a fact. Sion Simon (Labour Party) – Sion can’t use a microphone very well. After a few […]
Checkmate Moseley, checkmate. As the liberal metropolitan elite of Moseley made legitimate, and frequently contradictory, claims that the opening of Costa Coffee signalled an era where our children would be enslaved and our jobs taken, it turns out the truth was so much more surprising. Whilst Costa Coffee’s glossy corporate image could have destroyed our gentle village ways they have literally changed the game right in front of our eyes. Costa have announced to us that whilst it is likely they will still enslave our children they will also be making a significant investment in Moseley technology. Using cutting edge hydroponic technology, patented in North Moseley, Costa will endeavour to ensure that all of its coffee is grown, harvested and roasted within B13. That’s it, they’re now more local than a tedious story about Tolkien or a copy of NME with Ocean Colour Scene on the front. As Costa Coffee seek to reinvigorate the rental market through their network of grow houses; we say goodbye to the smell of weapons grade skunk as we wake up to the exotic aroma of fresh local coffee.
The Moseley Traders Association regret to announce that item two on next week’s meeting agenda, “Turning Meat Into Gold”, has had to be cancelled. The take no prisoners expose of the thriving Birmingham street food scene was set to reveal how anyone with a pound of sausages and some baps can literally print money. Unfortunately Simon Dunmore, the inventor of hotdogs with mince, has been detained for nine years after accidentally importing a weight of MDMA from Holland. The Chair of the Moseley Traders Association told us “This is very disappointing, as a fan of caravans, quality meat and MDMA I was keen to find out the secret to Simon’s success. Instead Mr Nima will once again explain to us how if you sell things that people want it just seems to work.” A spokesperson for the Prince of Wales said “Does anyone want to buy a caravan? Go on, twenty million quid and it’s yours. It smells of chips a bit but….. Please take it, Keith will only make us convert it into something outlandish like an opium den if it stays here.” Our only regret is that we never got round to trying those spicy sausages.
We didn’t exactly ask for it but we’ve got it. At last we have two massive restaurants selling generally average pizzas. As an added bonus they’re both within a couple of meters of each other, which is handy if you really like pizza. It’s odd as Moseley hasn’t really expressed much of an interest in pizza previously. We’ve lived with Al Capone’s sorry attempts at pizza and hygiene for years and we’ve been largely happy with that. There certainly isn’t much indication that there is a latent population of pizza lovers that can fill nearly 150 covers a night spending an average of £11 on a pizza. There is an old truism in Moseley retail, nobody can have an original idea. If you open a curry house then in months there will be six of them. If you want to run a hairdressing business then in minutes there will be another five, that doesn’t include barbers, which we have three of. We have a population of around 8000 people and eight places to get your hair cut. We’ve watched this with bewilderment for years but opening two almost identical restaurants within months of each other is just ridiculous. Opening two massive restaurants demonstrates little comprehension of how business works. The natural customers for both are people entertaining their parents who are up from Suffolk for the weekend, who don’t like curry, or leaving dos for people that have just finished working at the Council after twenty years. It’s probably fair […]
Moseley’s Spring Offensive began last night with historic gains on all fronts being reported. Whilst much of South Birmingham spent the weekend arsing about with barbecues, meticulous preparations from Moseley Militias meant that many of our neighbours were caught unaware as tanks rolled across their borders. Notable gains include Highbury Park, Cannon Hill Park, Balsall Heath Park, Moseley Bog and the Milan Sweet Centre. A statement from Moseley Forum stated “It has long been our intention to create a homeland where the sort of person that still buys the Guardian on a Saturday and unselfconsciously has some hummus in the fridge, can live side by side with someone that shares these middle class values. We saw the plans that petty minded bureaucracy had to subvert our values and way of life and realised that only aggressive expansionism could preserve our civic history. To that end the brave people of Moseley have secured a historic victory, rich new lands and an important buffer between us and those that envy our gentrification.” One unexpected gain has been a significant part of Kings Heath’s Pineapple estate. Current residents will be invited to demonstrate whether they do hold Moseley values and if not their houses will be cleared and made into an artists collectives. Although we have seen some important wins, much heavier than expected fighting on the Eastern front has meant that, as yet, we’ve been unable to secure Sarehole Mill from the people of Hall Green. Sarehole Mill is an essential […]