Moseley Park and Pool have this week launched an investigation after it has become clear to park visitors that the new swan isn’t functioning as expected. It was hoped that the addition of a black swan would be a symbol of Moseley’s rich history of tolerance and inclusivity but instead it has left a bitter taste in the mouth of officials as it has become obvious that it can’t fly. In a rapidly arranged press conference the Park and Pool told us “We admit that eBay probably isn’t the best place to buy a swan but we spoke to the bloke who used to own it and he reassured us it was pretty well new. He’d told us that in the last park it was always flying about and if anything we’d spend most of our time wondering whether it would ever come down to the ground. Sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case. We are concerned that its fragile psychological state could be affected by the taunting of our somewhat more agile duck population and we’re looking to implement a system of pastoral support for it. We only ask that you keep your dogs under control and don’t let them eat it. We will be looking at any redress we can obtain via the small claims court.”
The news that Marks & Spencer are submitting a planning application to re-develop the Meteor Ford site has once again galvanised the people of Moseley to action. The future use of the site has been the single biggest issue to affect Moseley in almost a decade. Sometimes splitting families apart with some people believing it should be turned into a lovely park, others thinking it should be a massive community centre, nobody but us thinking it should be Tescos. Since the news of Marks & Spencer’s plan came to light a petition has been created that as already gained over 5000 signatures. The petition, to be handed to planners, simply reads “Yes, that’s fine.” This position is clearly inconsistent with the previous view of protesters that it was not the application by Tesco that was a problem but the whole idea of retail use. We asked the protesters to explain this change of heart, they told us “Yes, it’s true that it isn’t Waitrose but on the whole we feel M&S is just middle class enough. You might call me a hypocrite for supporting this but at the end of the day I’ll be a hypocrite eating a big Marks & Spencer pie and I won’t be known as the sort of person that shops in Tesco.” We challenged them explain how the previously claimed congestion issue will change just because the retail premises is managed by someone else, their response was succinct “Congestion? Oh god we did […]
With the news that Moseley In Bloom has once again won gold in the Urban Village With An M In The Name category (we really don’t know what the category is) it looks like we’ll be looking for a new challenge. This is the seventh time that Moseley in Bloom have scooped the award due to the bold use of hanging baskets and possibly the tidiest car park this side of Bath. Moseley in Bloom have now posed a challenge to Birmingham alchemists to produce a new base metal, more valuable than gold, by which they can be judged. They told us “We’re bored of gold, it has literally no value to us any more. We want to win something more valuable than gold, we want to win something that is not even possible in nature, something so light that it floats but so dense that it weighs more than a City. But it must be valuable, it must be very valuable. Then we’ll win that and all the other Urban Villages, whether they’ve got an M in their name or not, will know that we have the prettiest flowers.” Many commentators believe that Moseley in Bloom’s attempts to defy both nature and the will of God is reckless.
Panic has begun to set into Moseley as Subway remains closed for a third week. What began as an innocuous refurbishment has now taken on the guise of something entirely more sinister as Moseley residents have been denied access to that fresh Subway taste for over twenty one consecutive days. We’ve been left baffled as each morning those shutters just refuse to open. Cllr Martin Straker-Welds told us “I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I do know I’m not happy about it. Alright you can still get a sandwich at Lewis’s but to be frank I don’t want an artichoke in a bap. I’m a man and I want a man’s sandwich. If I’m going to be spending an afternoon up the Council I’m doing it with a sandwich that is one foot long and full of meat.” A tearful resident told us “we’re just worried that it’s all a lie and next week there will be another barbers there, how much hair do they think we have?” Hopefully a contribution from the Muppets can put this into some much needed perspective.
Everyone loves chips don’t they? Well the people of Moseley have for too long been forced to travel to buy chips because we’ve rarely been able to sustain a chip shop with any comprehension of hygiene ratings. Those days have finally come to an end with the opening with one of the most innovative business ideas we’ve ever seen. Flakes has opened offering the very first shop in Moseley to address the twin problems of needing to eat chips but also having a range of skin complaints. The new owner told us “In today’s business climate it is naive to think a single use retail offer is economically sustainable. I’ve long supported Calori and Harvatopoulos’ theory that there are two elements to diversification in business. In this day and age it pays to position yourself strategically to be aggressive in terms of competition yet to aim for an outcome that fully capitalises on existing know how. In our case conglomerate diversification was a natural move because the two things I know most about are making chips and dermatitis. Thus Flakes was born giving you an opportunity to get some relief from that nasty rash whilst you wait for a large haddock.” It certainly looks like this move has shaken up business leaders with Baggleys Chemist now offering a free corn on the cob with every prescription.
Business leaders in Moseley were reeling this week when Kings Heath Business Improvement District unveiled its newest weapon in the war of the High Street. Ever since Sam the Monkey Man did a runner to Wales Kings Heath has been desperately looking for a new “unique” character to attract shoppers so they can blow all of their cash in Wilko on cheap batteries. At a surprise press conference at Kings Heath Farmers Market it was revealed that ex (or possibly even current) Rolling Stone, Ronnie Woods, would be taking over Sam’s duties as a lovable eccentric. His day to day responsibilities include having his picture taken with passers by and wearing colourful clothes. Kings Heath told us “When Sam handed in his resignation we were devastated, we’d invested a lot in Sam, it’s fair to say he was our plan for regeneration. So we knew we needed to sort this out and decided to bring in employment consultants to fill that gap. We became aware that Ronnie was looking for a new role and from that point on he was the only one we were interested. We understand Ray Davies from the Kinks was very interested but overall we felt he always looked a bit angry and had a tendency to shout at children.” Ronnie told us “I’m in awe of how Sam used to entertain the people of Kings Heath, I need to put my own mark on the job which is why I’m intending to specialise […]
Nervous Moseley residents were waiting to find out today whether or not their homes will be destroyed in order to create the much needed fire break between Kings Heath and Moseley. The proposed break, to run up through Queensbridge Road and along Valentine Road, is widely considered to be our last best hope to not go on fire with the rest of Kings Heath. Over the next couple of weeks it is expected that a number of properties on the B13/14 boundary will be sacrificed for the wider good. A representative from Moseley Forum told us yesterday “The people of Kings Heath are a primitive people and whilst their fascination with their so called fire god has long been a source of amusement to us it now poses a very real problem. Scientists tell us that at any given point in a day as much as 30% of Kings Heath can be on fire. It’s nice that it gives the Firemen something fun to do other than playing pool and washing cars but it also means that some quite expensive houses might also burn down. We can’t have that. So we’re creating a fire break between our two communities.” Some in Kings Heath were dismissive of the many of the claims coming from Moseley. Kings Heath forum told us “It’s ridiculous to believe we are burning down our community as a tribute to a deity. The reality is we live in a harsh economic climate with a planning […]
Everyone looks forward to a decent hustings, everyone is inevitably disappointed with the one they go to. The 2014 Moseley and Kings Heath hustings were no exception. I have no idea what I expect from a hustings but having covered every single one for the last 15 years you’d have thought I would have grasped the basic model of a group of polite people basically agreeing with each other whilst local residents studiously avoid asking questions about Moseley or Kings Heath. For those of you who aren’t aware of the local situation, but fancy a bit of a vote next Thursday, Ernie Hendricks (Lib Dem) has been doing the job of representing us for the last 8 years. Claire Spencer is standing for the Labour Party and will almost inevitably win. Everyone else is standing to vanquish personal demons or for entertainment value. The standard format of a hustings is each candidate gives a personal statement and this year that’s exactly what they did. I can’t really remember everything people said but here’s a summary. Alan Blumenthal (UKIP) – Seasoned Moseley election watchers will remember Alan. He’s always excellent value for money, his robotic delivery makes him seem like a robot. I like to imagine that he’s just become sentient and wants to overthrow his human masters. To be fair to Alan his opening statement directly addressed the main issues for Birmingham, namely failing social care and the debt incurred by equal pay. As both the candidates with […]
It’s a thing of wonder that only two short years ago none of us had a clue what street food was. Now you wouldn’t think twice about spending a fiver on an artisan sausage covered in Dijon Ketchup. What has confounded experts is why Moseley hasn’t embraced the concept of street food in the same way that Kings Heath has. After all the people of Moseley are 17% more sophisticated than people in Kings Heath and are known to never pass up the opportunity to pay through the nose for any old shit if it has an olive on top of it. Over the last few months many of you will have visited the Flying Flea market. It’s tried to bring us the best of a vintage market with a variety of Birmingham’s street food vendors. Whilst the Flying Flea has battled some pretty dire weather over the last few months it seems that we’ve all missed the chance to see it blossom into a Moseley event. The Flying Flea has been subject to a hostile take over and will now be replaced by the Flying Teapot; this is the brainchild of business legend Councillor Martin Mullaney who has radically overhauled the business model so in future he will bring us the best of a vintage market with a variety of Birmingham’s street food vendors. Councillor Martin Mullaney told us* “The way they were doing it before was all wrong, people don’t want to go to a market that […]
We said it would never happen but at last someone has bought the Meteor Ford site and are willing to invest money it to create an unparalleled retail experience. Everyone who lives in Moseley was touched by the vitriol and passion that managed to get Tesco kicked out and we’ve all been waiting to find out who fancies having a go at winding up the most hysterical suburb of Birmingham. With great excitement it was revealed yesterday that Farmfoods will be relocating their flagship store from Newtown shopping centre to the Meteor Ford site. Farmfoods have become famous for really cheap, really cold food and also having Farm in their name so it seems like they’ve grown it themselves. A representative from Moseley Business Association told us “For many years Moseley has been closely associated with farmers, our farmers market is famous as far as Knowle and Rowley Regis. We’re really pleased that we’ve bagged a prestigious name like Farmfoods to come and shake up Moseley and give us a real taste of food from the country.” Everyone else we spoke to said “at least it’s not Tesco”.