Checkmate Moseley, checkmate. As the liberal metropolitan elite of Moseley made legitimate, and frequently contradictory, claims that the opening of Costa Coffee signalled an era where our children would be enslaved and our jobs taken, it turns out the truth was so much more surprising. Whilst Costa Coffee’s glossy corporate image could have destroyed our gentle village ways they have literally changed the game right in front of our eyes. Costa have announced to us that whilst it is likely they will still enslave our children they will also be making a significant investment in Moseley technology. Using cutting edge hydroponic technology, patented in North Moseley, Costa will endeavour to ensure that all of its coffee is grown, harvested and roasted within B13. That’s it, they’re now more local than a tedious story about Tolkien or a copy of NME with Ocean Colour Scene on the front. As Costa Coffee seek to reinvigorate the rental market through their network of grow houses; we say goodbye to the smell of weapons grade skunk as we wake up to the exotic aroma of fresh local coffee.
The Moseley Traders Association regret to announce that item two on next week’s meeting agenda, “Turning Meat Into Gold”, has had to be cancelled. The take no prisoners expose of the thriving Birmingham street food scene was set to reveal how anyone with a pound of sausages and some baps can literally print money. Unfortunately Simon Dunmore, the inventor of hotdogs with mince, has been detained for nine years after accidentally importing a weight of MDMA from Holland. The Chair of the Moseley Traders Association told us “This is very disappointing, as a fan of caravans, quality meat and MDMA I was keen to find out the secret to Simon’s success. Instead Mr Nima will once again explain to us how if you sell things that people want it just seems to work.” A spokesperson for the Prince of Wales said “Does anyone want to buy a caravan? Go on, twenty million quid and it’s yours. It smells of chips a bit but….. Please take it, Keith will only make us convert it into something outlandish like an opium den if it stays here.” Our only regret is that we never got round to trying those spicy sausages.
We didn’t exactly ask for it but we’ve got it. At last we have two massive restaurants selling generally average pizzas. As an added bonus they’re both within a couple of meters of each other, which is handy if you really like pizza. It’s odd as Moseley hasn’t really expressed much of an interest in pizza previously. We’ve lived with Al Capone’s sorry attempts at pizza and hygiene for years and we’ve been largely happy with that. There certainly isn’t much indication that there is a latent population of pizza lovers that can fill nearly 150 covers a night spending an average of £11 on a pizza. There is an old truism in Moseley retail, nobody can have an original idea. If you open a curry house then in months there will be six of them. If you want to run a hairdressing business then in minutes there will be another five, that doesn’t include barbers, which we have three of. We have a population of around 8000 people and eight places to get your hair cut. We’ve watched this with bewilderment for years but opening two almost identical restaurants within months of each other is just ridiculous. Opening two massive restaurants demonstrates little comprehension of how business works. The natural customers for both are people entertaining their parents who are up from Suffolk for the weekend, who don’t like curry, or leaving dos for people that have just finished working at the Council after twenty years. It’s probably fair […]
Moseley’s Spring Offensive began last night with historic gains on all fronts being reported. Whilst much of South Birmingham spent the weekend arsing about with barbecues, meticulous preparations from Moseley Militias meant that many of our neighbours were caught unaware as tanks rolled across their borders. Notable gains include Highbury Park, Cannon Hill Park, Balsall Heath Park, Moseley Bog and the Milan Sweet Centre. A statement from Moseley Forum stated “It has long been our intention to create a homeland where the sort of person that still buys the Guardian on a Saturday and unselfconsciously has some hummus in the fridge, can live side by side with someone that shares these middle class values. We saw the plans that petty minded bureaucracy had to subvert our values and way of life and realised that only aggressive expansionism could preserve our civic history. To that end the brave people of Moseley have secured a historic victory, rich new lands and an important buffer between us and those that envy our gentrification.” One unexpected gain has been a significant part of Kings Heath’s Pineapple estate. Current residents will be invited to demonstrate whether they do hold Moseley values and if not their houses will be cleared and made into an artists collectives. Although we have seen some important wins, much heavier than expected fighting on the Eastern front has meant that, as yet, we’ve been unable to secure Sarehole Mill from the people of Hall Green. Sarehole Mill is an essential […]
Here we go, another year, another hustings. Another opportunity for a hapless group of chancers hoping we will let them rule us with a rod of iron for four more years. But this year it’s a bit different. Whoever wins only gets to feel the power for two years as it will be an all out election in 2018. It’s also the last year that Kings Heath and Moseley residents have to sit awkwardly side by side pretending that we have any interest in whether or not it’s that difficult to turn right outside the Dreams Bed Superstore. In 2018 there will be a shiny new Moseley and nobody has clue whether or not they’ll be living in it or not. Hands up, before I start this I have to admit that I accidentally joined the Labour Party last year. It was September, we were all breathlessly excited about “new” politics, I got carried away. Since then I’ve tried to leave the Labour party but its Kafkaesque bureaucracy actually makes that easier said than done. So if you want to infer any sort of bias in this then feel free. Only five candidates this year, some old favourites, two first timers. Also the shock omission of, seemingly permanent, hustings chair David Isgrove. I’m a bit concerned that I am about to head into this election without knowing where he stands on each question. It’s a bit like riding a bike without stabilisers. This year’s co-chairs were Izzy from Moseley and […]
We all know there are only two things that make people who live in Moseley happy. The unmatched thrill of watching house prices reach unsustainable levels and eating a slap up meal at any one of the ridiculous number of restaurants, cafes, pubs or gastro pubs. Whatever the difference between the last two is. The most recent food hygiene ratings demonstrate that eating in Moseley can be every bit as dangerous as crossing the Alcester Road after closing time. We all know you shouldn’t buy chips from the Kingfisher, that’s just common sense, but what about the others? What about a tasty Caribbean treat at the Carib Grill? Perhaps not with bad hygiene, bad structural compliance and little confidence in the management. Health rating zero. There’s always the Village Inn with its craft ales and a bicycle hanging on the wall. That’s got to be alright hasn’t it? It wouldn’t appear in the Birmingham Mail’s list of the best food pubs in Birmingham if it posed a risk to your health would it? With poor hygiene, bad structural compliance and little confidence in management it doesn’t look it should be on your list for tasty treats. Health rating zero. Notably, Nathaniel’s Bistro got a previous zero rating and was so shocked by it that it changed its name to Daniel’s. A recent inspection gave it a hygiene rating of one. Perhaps spending a bit more time on cleaning the place up rather than making new signs would have […]
They said it couldn’t be done but Moseley has at last dealt a fatal blow to global capitalism. With Lloyd’s Bank’s announcement that it will be closing its doors for a final time in June we see the historic moment that we’ve rid our village of the pernicious taint of international finance. Corrupt banking institutions might have conspired to bring the world economy to its knees but they were no match for the collective will of Moseley residents. Much like Christ driving the money lenders from the temple we’ve finally cleansed Moseley of the criminal influence that was clouding the minds of our children. The closure of Lloyds will undoubtedly mean that the building, on the corner of Alcester Road and Woodbridge Road, will be turned into an artists collective, or possible even a park. To celebrate this event we’re all heading down the pub later. Though I’ve got to go to Kings Heath to get some cash because the bloody banks took their cash points with them. Bastards.
As the Boundary Commission revealed its exciting plans to redraw Birmingham many thought this was the result of bureaucratic incompetence. We can now know that the decision to remove Moseley from Moseley was actually a decision taken at the highest level of Government. We can exclusively reveal that David Cameron personally intervened to ensure that the majority of Moseley should be incorporated into Balsall Heath. A spokesperson for Downing Street told us “Whilst the Prime Minister has enjoyed his frequent visits to Balsall Heath he has felt they were lacking. Having a community plan is all very well but if you want someone like the Prime Minister to spend a night in your little town then you are going to have to show him some of the things he’s more familiar with. Mr Cameron has made it clear that if he is to be expected to go to Balsall Heath anymore then it needs at least one Michelin Star restaurant, some houses with decent en suite bathrooms and at least one person that knows what a decent Pinot Noir is. ” We asked the Boundary Commission for comment on their ludicrous proposal and they gave us this statement. “Whilst we recognise that these plans will undermine hundreds of years of local history and split apart an engaged and active community, it’s not all about you. You are more than welcome to elect some slightly more Conservative representatives and then we’ll look at putting your community back together. ” Today’s safe […]
So that’s it then, The Prince of Wales has gone. Shut down by evil property developers whose only concern is the selfish pursuit of profit at the expense of a vibrant community. But wait, what if there was a man that could save us? What if there was a man that embodies everything about Moseley? A man who the mere site of would get these so called builders to pack up their poncey mixed use development and leg it back to London, or wherever they came from. Well it looks like the Prince have found their man as Wolf from Gladiators will be fronting the planned campaign of civil disobedience that, it is hoped, will save our cherished boozer. A spokesperson for The Prince of Wales Corporation told us “We’re delighted that Mr Wolf has agreed to support us in promoting our most current petition. It’s a perilous time for us and we need someone that has been tested in battle to galvanise support. We know we’ve been under threat before. When they brought the smoking ban in, when planning permission for these flats was granted in 2007, when planning permission was granted again in 2011, when Ebola broke out on Trafalgar Road. This time it’s different, the threat of hypothetical complaints from people who don’t live in flats that haven’t been built yet is very real.” A representative from the Change.org petition site told us “We love Moseley, we really do. We love your barely contained simmering rage, […]
It is with some jubilation that we can now report that Cambridge Road have been successful in their bid to raise money for authentic heritage street lighting. Earlier this year residents of Cambridge Road were thrown into collective panic when they were informed by the Council that:- the only affordable street lighting are the ugly, tall thin columns that light the place up like a football stadium. Whilst some would say the Council were being unduly harsh on the quality of their street lighting, the residents of Cambridge Road didn’t have time to ponder semantic trifles, no, they banded together to bring their community to action. Launching a crowd sourced appeal for funding they hoped the communities of Birmingham would recognise their plight. Birmingham didn’t disappoint. One resident told us “We know other people in Moseley are sniggering at our precious attitude to urban amenities but they don’t live our lives and they don’t see our problems. When you leave the house at 6:30 on a cold February morning to get that early flight to Courchevel to go and stay in Imogen’s chalet you don’t want to see the harsh glare of an LED off the Frozen finish of a Series 8 BMW. You may laugh but the luminosity of the finish on a Series 8 is completely different to the sort of Series 5 you get in Blenheim Road or even an Audi A3 in Woodfield Road.” Whilst confusion has persisted on what exactly “heritage lighting” is it would seem there […]