Eye on Moseley

The news that a local trader would roll over like puppy, when faced with the wrath of the Moseley Society has not received universal support.

The decision  to change the name of the off licence on St Mary’s Row to Moseley Booze was greeted with typical consternation.  Well heeled residents mobilised in the way that only well heeled residents can. They took to the Council Chamber and made their demands.

The licensing committee to appeared to agree that such a name could only send out the “wrong message”. The compromise of Moseley Wines seemed to satisfy everyone.

Well almost everyone. It quickly became apparent that calling somewhere Moseley Wines would begin to imply that they sold wine. Anyone who has visited the said establishment will know that they don’t really sell wine. They actually sell booze; and plenty of it.

Ironically in an attempt to stop the wrong message being sent out, the powers that be have caused the wrong message to be sent out.

Clearly something had to be done. Using such a controversial name was always likely to sully the good name of Moseley in the minds of visitors. Probably much more than the same off license appearing on national TV selling gas to kids.

News that Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has been stripped of his role as a Councillor is apparently causing growing concern amongst his admittedly small band of supporters.

Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ bravely exposed a local property developer as being a supporter of the Labour Party in a manner that the highest court in the land said was “completely out of order”. Although this selfless action alerted Moseley residents of some apparently legal building work it has come at a terrifying personal cost.

Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has invested his entire soul in being a Councillor and the removal of his “function” has apparently meant that he is beginning to fade out our reality. A close friend of Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ told us,

“He really really likes being a Councillor, you’ve noticed he’s actually incorporated the word Councillor into his name haven’t you? You know in those videos? When he introduces himself he always says “My name is Councillor Martin Mullaney ™”. I don’t think he was christened that. Though if he was it certainly shows some foresight from his parents. Especially as he seemingly had no interest in politics until recently.

You should have seen him the day he was elected. He went straight out and dyed his hair grey. He said it made him look more statesman like. He was like a very old child.

I’m worried now though. You can literally see straight through him. It’s like now he has no purpose there is no need for him to exist in our world.”

Ironically Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has claimed that some of his more outlandish antics have all been carried out not in his role as a Councillor but as a private citizen. Though this clearly demonstrates an interpretation of the law not shared by lawyers, the courts and, well anyone else it has actually become a reality.

In order to beckon Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ back to our reality people are requested to gather on the Village Green at around 3:00pm on Saturday to chant his name in some sort of creepy ritual. Though you’re probably busy, shopping or painting a fence so don’t worry about it too much.

Whilst we are all to happy to laugh at the knock about antics of Somalian pirates, recent events in Moseley have been entirely more sinister. Concerns for the safety of the pirate recently stolen from the Fighting Cocks are growing with every day that he remains missing.

On a philosophical level Moseley thinkers have been forced to address the difficult concept of whether the piracy of a pirate is by its nature justice or theft. Men with beards will gather to consider this at St Columba’s Hall over the course of the next few days.

In an ill considered statement the management of the Fighting Cocks told us:-

“Of course we’re concerned that a valued part of Moseley history is missing but we know he has a history of self harm and this development is not entirely unexpected. We would like to stress that rumours of some sort of kidnap are entirely unfounded. It is completely untrue that we have been presented with a comprehensive list of demands such as improving our appalling standard of service or trying to make our food edible. Not only have those demands not been made but we wouldn’t meet them if they had. ”

We hope that anyone who has any knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing pirate to come forward and help to bring home. In many ways the timing of this sickening theft could not have been worse. Pirates are inextricably linked to the story of Jesus in much the same way as eggs and rabbits are.

We hope that the perpetrators see sense and honour this most holy of weekends.

In a move that is likely to bemuse the older generation and excite those who consider themselves younger, the Ambler Death Corporation have signed up for an unlikely partnership with mega-gaming corporation Nintendo.

With the recent release of House of the Dead 4, Moseley’s very own merchants of death saw a marketing opportunity unlike any other. In a press conference yesterday a representative of Ambler told us:-

“The fear of death is ever present in our older community but we needed to remind younger people that is also a very real possibility for them too. Alright the phenomenal rise in knife criming has helped us to some extent but when you compare it with something like cancer it’s really just dabbling.”

The remarkable cross over been the recently dead and the recently risen from the dead will see a fully functional arcade version of the ground breaking game placed in the chapel of rest. Ideally the recently bereaved will be able to exorcise their demons whilst executing real life demons, albeit ones that aren’t actually real.

As a special one off event Ambler will be holding an open day where young people will be encouraged to come along and touch a dead man.

We would like to reassure all readers that Ambler are still subject to the rules of nature and relatives are extremely unlikely to return to life once taken into the House of Death.

When one local resident recently gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby boy she felt that a new exciting chapter of her life had begun. Unfortunately events took a sinister turn at the weekend when her decision to attend last years Moseley Folk Festival came back to haunt her.

Most people thought that the Festival was an innocent gathering of men with beards. The truth is entirely more worrying. No one would have thought that the conditions  of entry to Moseley Park were more exacting than any deal one could choose to make with Beelzebub himself.

Hidden in the small print it would now appear that the organisers of the festival can make claim to:-

• “All photos taken during the course of the event.
• An annual tithe in cash or equivalent goods.
• On request entrants must give up one non-life sustaining organ.
• Your first born child.”

On Saturday morning the reality of quite what she had signed away become all too apparent. She was visited at home by representatives of Moseley Folk Festival who took her only son. Complaints to the local Police proved fruitless as, it would appear this is all entirely above board.

It is unclear why the organisers have been harvesting children but some claim it is to satiate Richard Thompson’s unquenchable desire for human blood.

She told us, “I’m not completely happy about my only child being eaten by an ageing folk guitarist and I’ve learnt to pay a bit more attention to the small print in the future.”

Readers should be aware that Moseley Folk Festival are likely to round later to see if you have any nice stuff.

There is growing concern amongst Moseley’s drug using community that certain commitments made by the Scientologists may not be quite what they seem.

Last year the Scientologists stunned Moseley when plans were leaked that they intended to build a temple of evil in the heart of our community. 

One of their more outlandish claims was that they had an army of children on hand to pick up drug paraphernalia. The failure of this promise was put to the test all too graphically last Saturday night.

A local stoner told us “Well we were pretty fucking monged and it was obvious that someone was going to have pick the skins up. I remembered that they had these kids that picked up drug stuff for a living. I thought they’d be able to send round a ten year old to sort it out for us. They seemed quite angry on the phone.”

It would seem that it might not be wise to take everything that the Scientologists say too literally. Though we do have it on good authority that they are right about the lizards that live in the sky.

The perennial problem of mobile phone coverage of Moseley once again seems to be a topic of debate. Everyone remembers the horrific deaths in Moseley Park that were directly attributed to lack of phone coverage.

Recent mutterings seem to indicate that those lucky few with new fangled InternetPhones are less than happy with their providers.

The unhappy truth is that this less than perfect service is probably more down to design than market failure. We can exclusively reveal that restricted multi-media access is now official Moseley policy. 

In a statement read out from afar, some sort of Moseley official told us “Quite frankly it is these so called early adopting creative individuals that are at the very route of everything that is wrong with Moseley. Some years ago they set up here with their vibrant ideas  and started driving our house prices through the roof.”

“We’ve had enough, we say no to posturing nonces with their touch screen technology and intuitive Internet access. We want to get back to traditional values like objecting to planning applications on principle and empty shops.”

It is thought that through organised luddism Moseley could in effect return to 1974. Though we can only pray that this isn’t seen as some sort of an excuse for Turkey to have another pop at the Greeks. That would be a bad thing.

Moseley was rocked recently by the news that property developer, Simon Marsh has decided to drop his planning application for the Meteor Ford site.

The contentious plan challenged the normally easy going residents and brought about the very real threat of insurrection. Mr Marsh, it seems, has rethought his plans and is instead considering building a Fortress of Solitude on the corner of Wake Green Road and Oxford Road.

In a statement, made through his solicitors he said “Mr Marsh is deeply disappointed that humanity has rejected the helping hand of progress. He feels that he must consider his next move. He intends to do this from a fabulous palace constructed of ice and glass. He will construct this entirely with the power of his own mind. The design will be largely sympathetic to the surrounding conservation area.”

Such a development is obvious concern to neighbouring residents and businesses but it appears there is little that they can do to challenge the plans.

Someone with dubious planning qualifications told us “Most people don’t realise that on seeing the version of  Superman featuring Christopher Reeve a substantial revision of planning law was sought. The Callaghan government passed the Planning Amendment Act 1978 that specifically exempts the development of any  “Fortress of Solitude” from Local Authority planning control.  On the plus side we would anticipate little impact on traffic as a Fortress of Solitude inherently has few visitors.”

With the forthcoming development of the Scientologists “Temple of Evil” in Moseley, we’re shaping up for a battle that could challenge mans very right to exist on this planet.

Moseley will be unavailable from 01:00 hours (GMT) until approximately 07:00 hours (GMT) on 27th February. This unexpected outage is to allow engineers to apply an unscheduled patch. 

Certain exploits have been noted in Moseley society in the last few weeks that have led to unsatisfactory performance.  Many of you will have noticed the unstable performance contained within the “Jibbering” experience. Unfortunately we have decided this will needed to be withdrawn indefinitely until we can trace the source of the problem .

A number of  systems are also experiencing a graphics glitch that we have failed to reproduce in testing. This letter ghosting or “graffiti” has been appearing sporadically around the area, we would request that you report any incidence of this as well as the accompanying error message. 

Full details of the proposed changes are contained in the patch notes below. 

PATCH NOTES MOSELEY V1.0.0.32

• “Jibbering” not functioning as expected and will be withdrawn indefinitely.
• Temporary application of  “empty shop” placeholder.
• Mullaney security patch not functioning as expected resulting in a reduced graphical experience.
• The handling of some of the in-Moseley vehicles have been tightened up.
• Unrealistic realm queues within the Fighting Cocks have led to a below average service. Unfortunately the error messages are far from helpful.

This is not a major update but will hopefully resolve some of the intermediate problems experienced by users. 

The next major update is expected later this year in preparation for the big metal tree area wide event.

We would like to reassure you that we value your custom and hope that during maintenance you will seek to take advantage of the various pleasures contained within our neighbours Kings Heath or Balsall Heath. Parents should note that both Kings Heath and Balsall Heath are designated for over 18’s only due to a higher than average level of sex and violence.

The news that the popular Digbeth pub, the Rainbow could be forced to shut its doors forever was greeted yesterday with typical liberal hand-wringing. Whilst most people think the closure results form the parochial actions of a sonically challenged buffoon, our investigations have proved otherwise.

It has long been known that the ascendancy of Digbeth as a cultural destination has irritated the great and good of Moseley. What remained secret until now is that those which shape policy in Moseley sought a more permanent solution. We understand that an operation by the paramilitary wing of the Moseley Society has attempted to destroy Digbeth from the inside.

A representative of the Moseley Society told us “We hate Digbeth, we hate the way it’s stolen our cultural identity. We hate the way people say ooooh Digbeth, it’s got a factory made out of custard and ooooh Digbeth it’s got a pub shaped like a dog. No, it’s just a road full of sheds and it’s about time someone exposed this fraudulent district for what it really is. It’s even got a website to tell people about things in Digbeth? How sad is that? These people should get a proper job like being a Social Worker or organic farming.”

It appears, that fearing the rise of Digbeth, the Moseley Society sent one of its own to live amongst the creative industries, with mischief in his heart. For nearly two years this selfless individual lived within easy access of the City Centre and calculated the best way to slap them down.

Under the condition of anonymity he explained his crazy plan,  “I knew they liked that music and I knew that’s how we would stop them. Quite often I would sit there in my reasonably priced yet modern flat giggling as I made spurious complaints to environmental health. They made it easy, sometimes I just held the phone next to my stereo and they believed every word. They even believed that Tina Turner was playing to a stadium crowd in the beer garden of the Spotted Dog. Tina Turner died three years ago, the idiots.”

Such selfless devotion to Moseley has obviously taken its toll. He whimpered to us “You know, round here you can just get served in pub. You don’t have to wait. Oh and people are friendly and culturally diverse…………. I miss Moseley. Tell me about the sights. Does the Crafty Jungle still sell cushions?”

We didn’t have the heart to tell him.