Hustings are that perfect moment in an election where bland questions violently clash with people pretending to be interested. In a bit of a change from recent trends it looked like numbers were a bit down on previous years, probably because people were scared to spend over two hours sitting on chairs designed for eight year olds. What sort of torture is this where you make adults sit on tiny chairs and listen to vacuous platitudes? It’s no wonder they say young people don’t like politics. It’s like literally getting sent back to school. You know the format with this. Each candidate makes an opening statement and then they get to answer questions from the electorate. To spice things up a bit this year David, the Chair, asked all the candidates to keep their opening address to “what will you would bring to Moseley and Kings Heath?” Obviously each candidate had already written their opening statement so it might have been best to have emailed them the night before to let them know this. Needless to say they all ignored the question, which is fair enough. This is what they had to say:- Martin Straker-Welds (Labour) – A flawless answer from Martin, studiously listing the vast array of Labour achievements that the Council have delivered since taking power back in 2012. You know, living wage, safer children a community that respects recycling. Almost the perfect answer for anyone who doesn’t live in Birmingham or ever reads the news. No mention of a […]
Exciting times are ahead of us as St Mary’s Church announces that it’s been given significant amounts of Lottery cash to build Birmingham’s very first sex park. The Church grounds have long been associated with public displays of affection so it seemed only natural to embrace these most basic expressions of humanity and turn them into cash. The vicar for St Mary’s told us “Essentially I got fed up of the constant baiting from other vicars that reckon all we we’re famous for is people going at it in the graveyard. Well, we’re here to serve the whole community and it’s clear that significant parts of the community can’t keep their trousers on. So our plan is to get a bit of tarmac down over there, knock a hole in the wall and build a ramp into the church yard. It’ll be a bit steep but we’ve been reliably told you should be able to get an old Cortina in there if you keep it in a low gear. Then we throw open the gates and let people express themselves. I’m told we can also get Stan Collymore for about £80.” The Heritage Lottery fund told us “It’s not the usual thing we fund but really what’s the worst that can happen?” There has been understandable concern from neighbours. The King Edward Road residents association told us “We’re worried about the smell”.
You’d think that Moseley was more than accustomed to winning ways after knocking back Britain in Bloom trophies like they were sweet heroin but in the last few days there has been a definite feeling that we are finally alive. That’s because we’ve won something. We’re not entirely sure what we’ve won but we are quite sure that we’ve won something. Over the weekend it was announced by the Sunday Times that Moseley is officially the best place to live. Which surprised many of us as nobody seems remember entering that competition. A hastily arranged press conference by the Moseley Forum told us “We’re delighted that we’ve won this coveted award but we’d like to take this opportunity to warn people that now isn’t the time to get too excited. We all remember 1986 when we won the prize for best urban area with a B13 post code. That turned out to be a man trying to con us out of £100. We’re not letting that happen again. We should know more about what we’ve won when Geoff gets back from Weston. We understand he knows someone that subscribes to the Sunday Times and they might be able to tell us what it says. He went down there for the weekend as the weather was quite nice on Saturday”. A spokesperson for Harborne Neighbourhood Forum told us “You’re shitting me aren’t you?” We’d like to point out that we’re as pleased as anyone to find out that all we really […]
With a general election just around the corner it’s little wonder that all political parties are suddenly finding vast amounts of cash to get you to vote for them. What has come as a surprise to most people is that Moseley is at the centre of the UK’s white hot economic growth. In a radical change of a economic thinking the Conservatives have announced that they are dropping their position of battering the poor as a driver for economic growth and will instead be focussing all of their attention on investment in infrastructure. At the top of this list is the ongoing civil engineering work to replace the traffic lights on St Mary’s Row. David Cameron told us “The new traffic lights on St Mary’s Row are a clear demonstration to foreign investors that we in United Kingdom are committed to the sort of investment that helps business. I dream of a day that a young person at Queensbridge School will be able to look down the road and see the single biggest engineering project in Europe and hope they too will be able to work on it. ” It is hoped that when complete the new traffic lights will be able to support traffic to easily transition from St Mary’s Row to Salisbury Road and cross Alcester Road whilst posing no danger to other traffic and pedestrians. The different combinations of traffic confusion that could arise are literally mind boggling. The reason why the traffic […]
Moseley Park and Pool have this week launched an investigation after it has become clear to park visitors that the new swan isn’t functioning as expected. It was hoped that the addition of a black swan would be a symbol of Moseley’s rich history of tolerance and inclusivity but instead it has left a bitter taste in the mouth of officials as it has become obvious that it can’t fly. In a rapidly arranged press conference the Park and Pool told us “We admit that eBay probably isn’t the best place to buy a swan but we spoke to the bloke who used to own it and he reassured us it was pretty well new. He’d told us that in the last park it was always flying about and if anything we’d spend most of our time wondering whether it would ever come down to the ground. Sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case. We are concerned that its fragile psychological state could be affected by the taunting of our somewhat more agile duck population and we’re looking to implement a system of pastoral support for it. We only ask that you keep your dogs under control and don’t let them eat it. We will be looking at any redress we can obtain via the small claims court.”
The news that Marks & Spencer are submitting a planning application to re-develop the Meteor Ford site has once again galvanised the people of Moseley to action. The future use of the site has been the single biggest issue to affect Moseley in almost a decade. Sometimes splitting families apart with some people believing it should be turned into a lovely park, others thinking it should be a massive community centre, nobody but us thinking it should be Tescos. Since the news of Marks & Spencer’s plan came to light a petition has been created that as already gained over 5000 signatures. The petition, to be handed to planners, simply reads “Yes, that’s fine.” This position is clearly inconsistent with the previous view of protesters that it was not the application by Tesco that was a problem but the whole idea of retail use. We asked the protesters to explain this change of heart, they told us “Yes, it’s true that it isn’t Waitrose but on the whole we feel M&S is just middle class enough. You might call me a hypocrite for supporting this but at the end of the day I’ll be a hypocrite eating a big Marks & Spencer pie and I won’t be known as the sort of person that shops in Tesco.” We challenged them explain how the previously claimed congestion issue will change just because the retail premises is managed by someone else, their response was succinct “Congestion? Oh god we did […]
With the news that Moseley In Bloom has once again won gold in the Urban Village With An M In The Name category (we really don’t know what the category is) it looks like we’ll be looking for a new challenge. This is the seventh time that Moseley in Bloom have scooped the award due to the bold use of hanging baskets and possibly the tidiest car park this side of Bath. Moseley in Bloom have now posed a challenge to Birmingham alchemists to produce a new base metal, more valuable than gold, by which they can be judged. They told us “We’re bored of gold, it has literally no value to us any more. We want to win something more valuable than gold, we want to win something that is not even possible in nature, something so light that it floats but so dense that it weighs more than a City. But it must be valuable, it must be very valuable. Then we’ll win that and all the other Urban Villages, whether they’ve got an M in their name or not, will know that we have the prettiest flowers.” Many commentators believe that Moseley in Bloom’s attempts to defy both nature and the will of God is reckless.
Panic has begun to set into Moseley as Subway remains closed for a third week. What began as an innocuous refurbishment has now taken on the guise of something entirely more sinister as Moseley residents have been denied access to that fresh Subway taste for over twenty one consecutive days. We’ve been left baffled as each morning those shutters just refuse to open. Cllr Martin Straker-Welds told us “I don’t know what the fuck is going on but I do know I’m not happy about it. Alright you can still get a sandwich at Lewis’s but to be frank I don’t want an artichoke in a bap. I’m a man and I want a man’s sandwich. If I’m going to be spending an afternoon up the Council I’m doing it with a sandwich that is one foot long and full of meat.” A tearful resident told us “we’re just worried that it’s all a lie and next week there will be another barbers there, how much hair do they think we have?” Hopefully a contribution from the Muppets can put this into some much needed perspective.
Everyone loves chips don’t they? Well the people of Moseley have for too long been forced to travel to buy chips because we’ve rarely been able to sustain a chip shop with any comprehension of hygiene ratings. Those days have finally come to an end with the opening with one of the most innovative business ideas we’ve ever seen. Flakes has opened offering the very first shop in Moseley to address the twin problems of needing to eat chips but also having a range of skin complaints. The new owner told us “In today’s business climate it is naive to think a single use retail offer is economically sustainable. I’ve long supported Calori and Harvatopoulos’ theory that there are two elements to diversification in business. In this day and age it pays to position yourself strategically to be aggressive in terms of competition yet to aim for an outcome that fully capitalises on existing know how. In our case conglomerate diversification was a natural move because the two things I know most about are making chips and dermatitis. Thus Flakes was born giving you an opportunity to get some relief from that nasty rash whilst you wait for a large haddock.” It certainly looks like this move has shaken up business leaders with Baggleys Chemist now offering a free corn on the cob with every prescription.
Business leaders in Moseley were reeling this week when Kings Heath Business Improvement District unveiled its newest weapon in the war of the High Street. Ever since Sam the Monkey Man did a runner to Wales Kings Heath has been desperately looking for a new “unique” character to attract shoppers so they can blow all of their cash in Wilko on cheap batteries. At a surprise press conference at Kings Heath Farmers Market it was revealed that ex (or possibly even current) Rolling Stone, Ronnie Woods, would be taking over Sam’s duties as a lovable eccentric. His day to day responsibilities include having his picture taken with passers by and wearing colourful clothes. Kings Heath told us “When Sam handed in his resignation we were devastated, we’d invested a lot in Sam, it’s fair to say he was our plan for regeneration. So we knew we needed to sort this out and decided to bring in employment consultants to fill that gap. We became aware that Ronnie was looking for a new role and from that point on he was the only one we were interested. We understand Ray Davies from the Kinks was very interested but overall we felt he always looked a bit angry and had a tendency to shout at children.” Ronnie told us “I’m in awe of how Sam used to entertain the people of Kings Heath, I need to put my own mark on the job which is why I’m intending to specialise […]