Nervous Moseley residents were waiting to find out today whether or not their homes will be destroyed in order to create the much needed fire break between Kings Heath and Moseley. The proposed break, to run up through Queensbridge Road and along Valentine Road, is widely considered to be our last best hope to not go on fire with the rest of Kings Heath. Over the next couple of weeks it is expected that a number of properties on the B13/14 boundary will be sacrificed for the wider good. A representative from Moseley Forum told us yesterday “The people of Kings Heath are a primitive people and whilst their fascination with their so called fire god has long been a source of amusement to us it now poses a very real problem. Scientists tell us that at any given point in a day as much as 30% of Kings Heath can be on fire. It’s nice that it gives the Firemen something fun to do other than playing pool and washing cars but it also means that some quite expensive houses might also burn down. We can’t have that. So we’re creating a fire break between our two communities.” Some in Kings Heath were dismissive of the many of the claims coming from Moseley. Kings Heath forum told us “It’s ridiculous to believe we are burning down our community as a tribute to a deity. The reality is we live in a harsh economic climate with a planning […]
Everyone looks forward to a decent hustings, everyone is inevitably disappointed with the one they go to. The 2014 Moseley and Kings Heath hustings were no exception. I have no idea what I expect from a hustings but having covered every single one for the last 15 years you’d have thought I would have grasped the basic model of a group of polite people basically agreeing with each other whilst local residents studiously avoid asking questions about Moseley or Kings Heath. For those of you who aren’t aware of the local situation, but fancy a bit of a vote next Thursday, Ernie Hendricks (Lib Dem) has been doing the job of representing us for the last 8 years. Claire Spencer is standing for the Labour Party and will almost inevitably win. Everyone else is standing to vanquish personal demons or for entertainment value. The standard format of a hustings is each candidate gives a personal statement and this year that’s exactly what they did. I can’t really remember everything people said but here’s a summary. Alan Blumenthal (UKIP) – Seasoned Moseley election watchers will remember Alan. He’s always excellent value for money, his robotic delivery makes him seem like a robot. I like to imagine that he’s just become sentient and wants to overthrow his human masters. To be fair to Alan his opening statement directly addressed the main issues for Birmingham, namely failing social care and the debt incurred by equal pay. As both the candidates with […]
It’s a thing of wonder that only two short years ago none of us had a clue what street food was. Now you wouldn’t think twice about spending a fiver on an artisan sausage covered in Dijon Ketchup. What has confounded experts is why Moseley hasn’t embraced the concept of street food in the same way that Kings Heath has. After all the people of Moseley are 17% more sophisticated than people in Kings Heath and are known to never pass up the opportunity to pay through the nose for any old shit if it has an olive on top of it. Over the last few months many of you will have visited the Flying Flea market. It’s tried to bring us the best of a vintage market with a variety of Birmingham’s street food vendors. Whilst the Flying Flea has battled some pretty dire weather over the last few months it seems that we’ve all missed the chance to see it blossom into a Moseley event. The Flying Flea has been subject to a hostile take over and will now be replaced by the Flying Teapot; this is the brainchild of business legend Councillor Martin Mullaney who has radically overhauled the business model so in future he will bring us the best of a vintage market with a variety of Birmingham’s street food vendors. Councillor Martin Mullaney told us* “The way they were doing it before was all wrong, people don’t want to go to a market that […]
We said it would never happen but at last someone has bought the Meteor Ford site and are willing to invest money it to create an unparalleled retail experience. Everyone who lives in Moseley was touched by the vitriol and passion that managed to get Tesco kicked out and we’ve all been waiting to find out who fancies having a go at winding up the most hysterical suburb of Birmingham. With great excitement it was revealed yesterday that Farmfoods will be relocating their flagship store from Newtown shopping centre to the Meteor Ford site. Farmfoods have become famous for really cheap, really cold food and also having Farm in their name so it seems like they’ve grown it themselves. A representative from Moseley Business Association told us “For many years Moseley has been closely associated with farmers, our farmers market is famous as far as Knowle and Rowley Regis. We’re really pleased that we’ve bagged a prestigious name like Farmfoods to come and shake up Moseley and give us a real taste of food from the country.” Everyone else we spoke to said “at least it’s not Tesco”.
This morning Woodbridge Road’s very own House of Spies issued a heartfelt plea for the people of Moseley to collectively put some trousers on. Whilst business appears to be booming in the world of international espionage it seems that what we do in the comfort of our own homes is having a very real impact on recruitment. The manager, owner and proprietor of our local snoopers told us “when I took the lease on for this massive shop everyone loved spies, now thanks to those left wingers at the Guardian it’s almost impossible to find people who’ll come and work here. Over the next few weeks I’ve got a class of Year 10s from Queensbridge School coming in here to do work experience. It’s quite hard for me to sell a career in spying when you’re flapping around in front of your webcam like an angry elephant. So please, just for the next few weeks, try and put some pants on when you’re “writing emails.” Oh yes, and the man on Park Road with the thing like an extra head, that shouldn’t be there, go and see a Doctor.” We think it’s not an unreasonable request, think of the children.
There is literally nothing that Moseley likes more than a local election. Actually there is nothing that Moseley likes more than a decent planning application but second to that it has to be a local election. Election 2014 will see Cllr Ernie Hendricks (LibDem) facing a tough fight if he is going to continue his rule over us, and it looks like he’s prepared to face down the opposition in a bizarre fashion. Taking to the much read Moseley & Kings Heath FOCUS Cllr Hendricks set out his bold claim that nothing within the field of human endeavour can contain him, he told readers “Many of you know the lengths I go to in order to help the people of Moseley, my compassion is a matter of record. What people need to better understand is that I have the guile of the fox and the strength of ten thousand men. That’s why I issue this challenge to the Moseley & Kings Heath Labour party, bring forth your best engineers and construct a prison, use your best materials and see that holding me is as futile as catching the wind in your hand. I shall burst out of your prison on election day and prove to the people of Moseley that a vote for me is a vote for action and not mere words.” Having risen to the challenge Cllrs Tricket and Straker-Welds are busily constructing an elaborate stockade opposite the Meteor Ford site. Cllr Tricket told us […]
You’ve heard the news that The Cross is finally shutting down haven’t you? Did you give a little sniff? Did a tear come to your eye? Well it seems that wasn’t a misplaced nostalgic reaction for a pub that generally wasn’t that good, it’s more than likely that you’ve been infected by the unique culture of toxins that have been released from The Cross as part of the refurbishment process. Chemical warfare experts have been called in to try and preserve the toilets as a site of special scientific interest. We managed to snatch a quick chat with a so called expert supervising the removal of said toilets, he told us, “This place is incredible, some bacteria have grown to the size of my fist. Now I’m a man of science and I can tell you it is very unusual for a single cell organism to be visible to the naked eye let alone be something you could realistically have a conversation with. It is entirely possible that these toilets could have wiped out life on earth as we know it if you hadn’t called us. Were these people scared of water or something?” We all have our favourite story about The Cross and its cavalier attitude to hygiene, ours is probably the environmental health inspection that found they kept prawns on the fire escape outside rather than in the fridge. We won’t miss The Cross it was at best annoying at worst a tangible health hazard. […]
As people across Moseley have watched the devastation that floods have caused across Berkshire and Somerset they have all reacted with one response “What if that was those big houses on Chantry Road?” The events of this Winter have made us all realise how fragile our grip on middle class can be, at any given point we’re only half an inch of sewage away from filthy carpets. Well there is no need to fear as we can report the Chantry Road flood defences are currently being installed, a network of pipes are being put in place to drain excess water away from valuable properties and into the lake in the park. The Chantry Road Residents Association told us “Yes, it’s true that we live on a hill, and yes and it’s true that even that hill is approximately 148.112 meters above sea level. That doesn’t mean that we’re not at risk. It’s been proven that if an Audi A4 sits in more than 3mm of water for longer than 10 minutes it can completely corrode. That’s why we applaud the Councils decision to invest in flood defences.” Residents of Moseley will rest easy tonight, even if it rains, which it probably will as there seems to have been a lot of rain recently.
Today is another sad day in Moseley as it’s been announced that the Anderton Park Road Scarey Ghostly Ghost House (APRSGGH) is set to close its door once and for all. In the 80s APRSGGH was the place to go to have your bejesus scared out of you but lack of investment and an impenetrable acronym has meant a steady decline in relevance. The erstwhile owner and manager Ken Scare told us yesterday “It’s a sad time for Moseley, in days gone by the only thing to do on a Saturday afternoon was to get some chips off Alan and then visit my creepy house. It in many ways its symptomatic of the fickle cynicism of youth and the decline of Scooby Doo as a cultural force.” One of our Councillors told us (you decide which one) “Seeing another much loved resource close down is always sad. Unfortunately now when you walk down Anderton Park Road the only BOO you’ll hear is from someone jumping out of a bush.” We hope that effort can be put into finding some way of developing the site into luxury one bed flats for young professionals. Alternatively we could just leave it empty.
Moseley agribusiness was rocked this week when it was noticed that our wicker rabbit had vanished from the park. The rabbit was constructed in order to encourage a fertile spring and bring us all fair weather. It’s believed that it vanished just before Christmas and its theft heralded the storm that has battered Moseley throughout the festive period. A representative of the police told us “If anyone did see a eight foot wicker rabbit being manipulated past the Consol Sun Studio then we urge you get in touch with us. It is essential that we get this rabbit back so it can be ceremonially burned to satiate a vengeful god. There is a very real chance that that without such a sacrifice all of our crops will wither. As a safety measure we are asking if any parents have got any spare children that they’re not too keen on. We know the old gods really like rabbits but we have a plan to strap some ears on a toddler and hope they don’t notice.” Moseley farmers were quick to point the finger at neighbouring areas, one told us “They’re jealous of our green open spaces and bountiful harvests, you mark my words, if you were to go down Hazelwell Park tomorrow you’ll notice they just happen to have their own rabbit but they will have put a hat on it so it definitely isn’t ours. The bastards, rabbits don’t even wear hats.” On a personal level we […]