Over the last year and a half the Eye On Moseley staff have received numerous local awards for our courageous (and occasionally dangerous) forays into the world of investigative reporting. Any regular reader of our sporadic interweb-based, news-zine will remember such classic exposes as “Yoghurt Rifle”, “Electric Cool Aid Cider Test” and “Nice Hole”. And it looks like we may have uncovered the most sinister plot yet conceived by King’s Heathens against fair Moseley.
Only the most carefully trained eyes will have noted the gradual disappearance of Moseley’s leading scientists. Physicists, mathematicians and other assorted clever heads have been unused in Moseley society since the sad departure of the “Local Scientists” column in B13 magazine. Resentment against Moseley and its people has been high since the not so popular feature was dropped and a trickle of defectors has now become a flood. But where is this “river” of scientists flowing to? And why?
We can tell you. They’re going to the moon. In rockets. Moon rockets. At the order of “The Kings Heath Council For The Annexation And Subsequent Enslavement Of Moseley” (K.H.C.A.E.M ). Needless to say we were shocked to discover the existence of such an organisation. And were more shocked to discover how they intend to annexe and enslave us.
The gravitational pull of Kings Heath on Earth is exactly the same as Moseley . This is easy to understand. However, the creation of a second Kings Heath on the moon, in a geo-stationary position above the original Kings Heath, creates an effect known as “abstract gravity”. This results in a doubling of the gravity between the two points, this extra gravity can then be stored in a “Farce field” (similar to the “force fields” in popular science fiction, but less likely ). Who knows how they will utilise this against us? Can we wait to find out?
Even now major Kings Heath businesses such as McDonalds , International Stock and Safeway are financing the huge costs of travelling to the moon, in the hope of being the first shops to ply their trade there. When we pointed out to them that the moon’s resident population is relatively low, which might lead to comparatively poor sales, they replied “If there are no retail outlets, and no comestible purveyors, why should we expect the people of Kings Heath to take their purchasing power to the moon?”. When we pointed out to the same local businesses that there was a shortage of both “retail outlets” and “comestible purveyors” because there was no fucking Oxygen, because it’s the fucking moon, they eventually replied (after some hushed and frantic conversation) “Oh.”
We carried out a straw poll of King’s Heathens who just happened to be “out and about”, on whether or not they would consider going to a McDonalds on the moon. 84% replied “Ooh… yes bab.”, 9% replied “You what? A McDonalds on the moon… Get out of it” and 7% replied “Would there be parking?”
We polled the same people on a second question “Would you still go to McDonalds on the moon, bearing in mind that it doesn’t have any Oxygen?”, to which 100% replied “Oxy what?”
It just goes to show that we have nothing to fear from Kings Heathens, at least until they get round to pulling their finger out.