Evolution is an imperative in both process and organism. Without evolution there is stasis, and stasis leads only to entropy. Consequently I am having to find ways of expanding the limited appeal of this column far beyond it’s natural lifespan. I mean, it’s Moseley isn’t it?
It’s only a testament to the power of drink, drugs , borderline psychosis and equal measures of cake and meat (albeit on separate plates) that I’ve managed to eke it out this far. I mean, did you see my self-portrait?
So how am I going to keep it up? I mean, I went skiing but after a couple of days on the piste it all gets a bit…proleterian, je ne sais pas?
Easy. I am going to subject myself to the wooly-jumpered whims of you assorted tramps, mentalists and insufferable bores.If you want fun from me you can bloody well contribute. If anyone out there cares to send me a big bag of heroin/crack, I will consume said heroin/crack and (presumably) write a jolly entertaining piece about my adventures with said drug. With photos. So if anyone wants to send me :
Hookers < An old fashioned mangle ( with box of puppies )
r> Drink
A train set
Porn
Dresses
A barrel full of toddlers (and a hill )
I will do my best to wring some sort of quality material from it. I’m not paying to make my life more fun, just so you lot can have the same fun second time around, like a gaggle of naked, blinking gannets, thrusting the urgent beaks of your voyeuristic nature down the soft gullet of my of my generosity.
So there you go. Ultimatum time. Give me stuff or I’ll be dull. And as those who know me will attest, I can be excruciatingly dull.