New Year’s eve is known through out Moseley as a time of celebration and contemplation. Of the year past and the year to come, drinking cheap lager, wondering why you spent £10 to sit in the Cocks.

Many of us have become worried by the sudden increase in violent crime in our sleepy little village. What with armed robberies at Meteor Ford and the truly surreal robbery of the Dry Cleaners, is there any where left to feel safe?

One local woman who wishes to remain anonymous would say “No there’s nowhere you can feel safe anymore.” Her story begins on early on New Years Eve. Whilst walking down one of our many leafy boulevards she was set upon by a youth intent on stealing her bag. But this time he’d picked on the wrong person. Instead of thinking of her own personal safety she set upon him and gave him what can only be described as a right drubbing.

She told us afterwards “I didn’t think of myself. I just want to see the streets safe for the kiddies” Delving more deeply into her philosophy of life she explained that after being profoundly moved by the A Team she had made a conscious decision to model her life on the writings of Mr T. This somewhat strange lifestyle choice for a young woman in the Midlands has helped her get out of many a sticky situation through building weapons out of melons and has made her irritatingly call everyone she meets “Fool”.

Representatives of our criminal fraternity were yesterday said to be “deeply embarrassed”. A spokesman told us “Obviously we are investigating this situation but it goes with out saying that we cannot have our members getting beaten like this. What’s going to happen next? It makes you wonder if it’s all worth while”

A spokesperson for the local police told us “We’re a bit jealous really. In the seventies we could have given him a similar beating but they sort of frown on it now, Oh well.”

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