Dear Dr.Tenderness,
My name is David and I am a devoted Moseley-ite. I own a small but increasingly valuable property on King Edward Rd. I have two kids, Josh and Katie who I push round Sainsbury’s Local in a trike-style pram. I own and drive a new Mini, and work for Birmingham Social Services.
I got married two years ago to Pamela, who used to work in the Voluntary sector, but now looks after the kids. She’s put on a bit of weight since giving birth, but you still would…I like to read the Guardian, I watch the golf and tennis, and have leanings towards Buddhism and jazz.
Despite my seemingly ideal life I have recently begun to have…abnormal…cravings. It began with a dream I had the other night. I was with Xtina Aguilera, and she was dressed in the raunchy outfit she wore in the “Dirrrty”. She was covered in oil and I had an incredible urge to insert her into myself. I grasped the pig-faced latino whine-box by the ankles, turned her so that her head was aimed at my anus…and slowly pushed her home. It felt fantastic, and I woke in a pool of warm self-pleasure. The next night, I had a similar dream, but this time it was Britney Spears, dressed in her classic schoolgirl outfit from “Hit Me Baby One More Time”.
Since then, I have had the dream every night. Eminem, Jane McDonald, Charlotte Church, the singer bloke from Stereophonics…every one of them has filled my rectal haven and given me new and pop-shaped nightly pleasures. I enjoy them so much, but I worry that I am losing my mind.
Please help…
David Celebpusher
Dear David,
Look at your life. It’s wrong and sick. You live a life bankrupt of meaning, but with full acceptance from your peers. It’s not the glitterati sodomisation you need to worry about. That appears to be the only thing you have right. Its the rest of it.
Dr. Tenderness