As I am writing this the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the USSS, MI5, MI6, Mossad and The Disney Corporation are all trying to pinpoint my true location.
It was a house just like any other, on a street like all the rest, slap dab in the middle of Normalville, Moseley. Leads come and leads go, some pan out, some fizzle, some fly. You follow them all. See, you never know which is which until you take that first sniff and maybe a little bit more. The loser in front of me looked like he ate maybe three weeks ago, and not an ounce since – you could have kept toast in his chest. His friend, well I don’t think he needed anything except for his stench to sustain him. It was certainly thick enough to taste. Toast Rack was holding out a little white pill, the horse engraved in it quite detailed in its rearing and I knew that if I didn’t take it this particular lead would go drier that an AA meeting in Bournville. Strange the places a meeting in the Goose can take a man and this skinny geeky geezer was one hell of a tour guide to trust with an unnamed, undefined pill – which was just what I was about to do.
I took the pill from his dirty palm, ignoring the crust and the snot on the heel of his hand and without preamble shot it into the back of my neck swallowing reflexively. He smiled a brown-toothed smile and croaked “Oh yeahhh, cool man,” giggling before taking a little red pill himself.
“So,” I started, wanting to get as much information as I could before I started with the hugging and the sighing and the smiling that the pill would probably bring, “where can I find Angry Andy? Can you take me to him now?”
“Sure, man,” he smiled “later. You’re not going anywhere for a bit yet, not once the Conspiracy kicks in”. There was something in the way he said it. Something that said “I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the show”.
“Conspiracy? What was it,” I asked, “some sort of E?”
“Nah, man, better than that, better than all the E and Ketamine and speed you can get all rolled into one. You’re in for a real ride!”
I started to get a little worried at the evil grin on his face.
“What will it do to me,” I asked, hating the whiny, pleading tone of the question even as I said it.
“You know,” he smiled, his face suddenly elongating to accommodate his growing teeth, “a little trippy, a little paranoid – well a lot paranoid actually – but funky; heh, real funky”.
“Wait,” I practically yelped, my voice suddenly sounding like Tinky-Winky on steroids, “I have to know where he is! I have to find Angry Andy you have to tell me where…
…There are mice in the cake shop government mice they feast on the details of our private lives they aren’t very nice they have diodes for eyes their stools are zinc capsules containing raw data for digestion later by mi5 the cat from the shop was found in the lake in the park wearing chains and a house brick with little bruises from mouse grips about his poor neck his owners a wreck he just cant understand why this poor little creature should be murdered but the cat had a secret the thing had discovered that the mice in the shop were not alive but machines but unable to tell it set about trying to rid the shop of the vermin but fell as the unending hordes of spy mice continued to come the grit bin outside the goose don’t look at it twice its a listening device it also emits a pulsing sub bass tone at a pitch undetectable to the human ear this pulse at normal levels simply makes us feel safe unconsciously safe and secure in our actually very dangerous environments at higher levels it is capable of temporarily blinding us popping our livers like a stepped on fish turning police vehicles invisible to unshielded eyes or even causing death it is controlled by the people who live in the basement of slicks ladies fashions by means of radiomicrowaveforms emitted from passing taxis and bounced of the glass window of athola insurance another front without a rear if you catch my drift these waveforms are read by the grit bin at intervals of pointzerozerozerofive of a second and it only takes one man and one grudge to enter the one code to kill us all the one legged man knows all about it hes a lookout hes a stoolie he has radar crutches and a livid camera eye he can spy while he begs while he sleeps he has a remote controlled puppy he can send messages with it to the men below slicks there are antennas on top of moneywise pointed at the sun they send messages to the outsiders keeping them happy keeping them aware so that they don’t come back anymore and scare us all into revolution a thorn to the side of the men in the suits allied with them they wont tell us they exist they cant tell us they don’t in case it angers them a danger they cannot ignore they are listening to see if we know they are there they are there to see if we know they are listening and to see what we know what we truly see of what they show of what they allow if the truth was out if you knew what I know had seen what I’ve seen you could be me could wish you could not had not seen could wish your eyes were walnuts and your ears mushrooms so that you could just prove to them show to them that no you hadn’t couldn’t wouldn’t ever possibly have heard what you shouldn’t that the death camp in kwik save was an innocent store room the disappeared of Moseley had just moved to brighton or london had just got jobs and put suits on that they weren’t lying cold in the reek of their rigor robbed of their vigour by an awl in the spine by poison in wine by a knife in the eye in the dark in an alley and all because they saw what they shouldn’t and heard what they couldn’t and now those stabbers are after me each night I eat a dozen kebabs they make me ill but still they contain an invaluable virus a strain that counters the drugs in the water they give me the strength I need to go on to avoid the stares of their satellites and their omni-mikes and their billboards and grit bins and all the other nasty technological sins they have by the ton in the sky in the ground in the people around you behind you beside you I wish they would leave me alone like before I wish I could die but then they would win and you would be beaten you wouldn’t know who was who if I didn’t tell you if I wasn’t here if I didn’t fill you with a lifesaving fear of all that is out there and all that is hidden of the strangers and dangers on alcester road of the taps on your cell phone of the eye in the tv of the hundreds of agencies trying to kill me of cosmic rays that control what you think why do you think you just did what you did why do you think you just thought what you thought why do you think you don’t believe me that you think that I’m mad or delirious really you know that you know that I’m not but they want you to fear me so you’ll never come near me so then you can’t hear the things I have to tell they do their job so very very well and you are in their pockets you cannot stop it if you are asleep as they want you to be so listen to me now stay away from the TV the radio the microwave oven the mice and the rats and the beggars in the streets stay out of your kitchens eat everything raw and stick to the brightest part of the street if you go out at night if a person approaches you should cross the road avoid making eye contact keep your mouth closed and breathe through your nose to avoid being exposed to their gaseous agents that render you pliable meek and reliable that close off your mind from the light of the truth but most of all you must absolutely wish beyond all else with every mote of your being you must strive to resist the temptation to go on with their charade with their cosy façade strike out for the surface it’s time to…
wake up…