Business leaders in Moseley were reeling this week when Kings Heath Business Improvement District unveiled its newest weapon in the war of the High Street. Ever since Sam the Monkey Man did a runner to Wales Kings Heath has been desperately looking for a new “unique” character to attract shoppers so they can blow all of their cash in Wilko on cheap batteries.
At a surprise press conference at Kings Heath Farmers Market it was revealed that ex (or possibly even current) Rolling Stone, Ronnie Woods, would be taking over Sam’s duties as a lovable eccentric. His day to day responsibilities include having his picture taken with passers by and wearing colourful clothes.
Kings Heath told us “When Sam handed in his resignation we were devastated, we’d invested a lot in Sam, it’s fair to say he was our plan for regeneration. So we knew we needed to sort this out and decided to bring in employment consultants to fill that gap. We became aware that Ronnie was looking for a new role and from that point on he was the only one we were interested. We understand Ray Davies from the Kinks was very interested but overall we felt he always looked a bit angry and had a tendency to shout at children.”
Ronnie told us “I’m in awe of how Sam used to entertain the people of Kings Heath, I need to put my own mark on the job which is why I’m intending to specialise in balloon animals. Every weekend between now and Christmas I’ll be on the corner of York Road banging out blow up giraffes. I realise that costume is an important part of this very special job so I intend to dress up as pirate, all the time.”
Meanwhile in Moseley our business leaders have once again been left behind by the economic powerhouse that is Kings Heath. Moseley shoppers again resigned themselves to the scant entertainment that is telling the girl with no teeth that they don’t need a lighter and haven’t got a spare bus ticket.