That’s Ent-ertainment

5 08 2005


To the sane and well balanced residents of Moseley it might sound like the stuff of fantasy but the great and good are actually intending to build a twenty five foot tall stainless steel representation of a talking tree. Moseley’s relationship with literary legend J R R Tolkein has been something that all residents have cherished for many years and now it looks like we are set to get a fitting tribute.

Currently our only method of remembering the great man is to sit on a bench whilst old men regale you with tales of how the young Tolkein used to suck sweets whilst dodging service in the Crimea. The inherent problem with this system of historical recording is that old men die and you generally can’t believe a word they say anyway. We need a better way.

In order to address this tricky problem the greatest minds of Moseley set themselves to consider all the facts :-

1) The people of Moseley have money to burn
2) Tim Tolkein (Sculptor to the stars) doesn’t have much on at the moment
3) People like trees
4) People like metal
5) People like metal trees

The only rational conclusion was to build a massive metal tree in the centre of Moseley.

The benefits to the people of Moseley will be incalculable. For example the projected increase in tourism will result in an economic explosion. It is a known fact that tourists like metal trees even more than Moseley residents and they will come from all corners of the globe to gawp with slack jawed amazement at our metal working skills. Some might stay long enough to pop into Sai news to buy a paper or even get some oven cleaner from Kwik Save. It will also prove of benefit to Cinephilia who could rent out copies of Peter Jackson’s epic trilogy so people can see what talking trees look like in their natural habitat.

Only a fool would underestimate the educational benefits of such a scheme. Through developing a massive tree we could eventually encourage the literary impoverished youth of Moseley to read the longest book in history that forgot to involve any women.

Eye on Moseley was initially sceptical of this crazy idea but having searched deep in it’s soul is now enthusiastic about the entire concept. Though having said that is twenty five foot really big enough? For an area with the aspirations of Moseley shouldn’t it be fifty foot? Or even a hundred? Moseley will only get the recognition it deserves once we have a metal tree that can be seen from space.


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There Is a God

4 08 2005


Today Moseley was filled with boggle eyed wonderment as people for the first time experienced bread that wasn’t stale by the time you get to Woodbridge Road and milk that doesn’t have the lingering odour of a sick child.

This earth shattering event may well spell doom for Kwik Save but as the manager told us this morning they’re not that worried “Well if they think they can come round here with they’re fresh fruit and vegetables they’ve got another thing coming. We know what the people of Moseley want and isn’t a wide selection of sauces from the far east and polite staff. No, they want broken biscuits and the opportunity to queue endlessly.”

All though we have tried not to get sucked into heady atmosphere of excitement that now pervades Moseley we have to admit that we will now be first in the queue to tell Kwik Save to “pack your bags and fuck off.”


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Tread Not Here Or Feel Real Fear!

4 08 2005


Anonymous labourers are digging themselves a hole that they will be very lucky to get out of in Moseley Park. These foolish workmen are at work on an
as yet unidentified project in a spooky, dis-used corner of the Park. What they don’t know yet is that the area remains unused and cordoned off because it is an ancient Vegan burial ground, used by members of the Sage Co-operative and blessed by the shamen at Zen.

Disturbing the bones of these ancient founders of Moseley is likely to bring a great cloud over Moseley and the dead will possibly rise and shamble round,maybe buying new clothes from the “new look” (…snigger…) Kwik Save. Whether or not anyone will notice this in mind of the recent tide of depraved scum filling the village, we don’t know, but we fear the worst. We asked Zen for comment and they said “…have you tried imbibing your own micturation, it’s very good for you and completely free…”, whilst Sage asked us if we’d “…tried an organic flapjack…”.


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It’s Just a Facade

4 08 2005


Many Moseley residents are intrigued by the stunning lack of activity in our own little “Bull Ring” type development. Only now can we reveal the shocking truth about why matters have ground to a fault.

In a very real sense the redevelopment of Moseley High Street will, one day, make our village a shopping Mecca that will eventually rival Paris or Rome. Though on a more fundamental level it will serve to get rid of the retail abortion that calls itself Kwik Save. Moseley residents are notoriously scared of change so a plan was hatched to retain the look of these historically vital buildings.

Unfortunately as work began to give Moseley a much needed upgrade, the laws of gravity took matters into their own hands. The slightly observant resident will notice that instead of retaining the old frontage what in fact happened was that it was knocked down, to the ground. We contacted the builders and they told us “We have in fact retained the previous frontage but we decided that it would better to retain it in a skip on King Edwards Road. Any keen architectural students are more than welcome to come and have a look at it and during the week they can even have a chat with John who can remember what it looked like before it fell over.

Moseley a heritage worth preserving.


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Don’t Leave Me This Way

4 08 2005


Bargains galore might be had in the new look Kwik Save but a disturbing new trend has got everyone’s favourite budget foodstore all riled up. Since Kwik Save invested heavily in providing us with a unique shopping experience they have noticed an almost worrying increase in customers. Some of these customers just can’t bring themselves to leave.

One such happy shopper from Mayfield Road (Moseley) was so bedazzled by the bright lights of his shopping experience that he has refused to leave. He is said to have barricaded himself in the cash office and has even changed his name to Bob “Somerfield” Davies. In an exclusive interview granted to us through the door of his hideaway he told us “I was amazed each isle now has a distinct line of goods whilst also providing quality foodstuffs at remarkably low prices. You know I used to think Kwik Save was only good for broken biscuits and cheap toilet roll but this has really opened my eyes to what real value is. Say for example the Queen was coming round to your house for a bun and a cup of tea, well you can get both tea and buns here. It’s almost scary.”

When asked why he had made the radical decision to live in Kwik Save he stated it was largely down to hereditary mental health problems. The manager himself has been pleased by the much needed local publicity. He told us “Get out of my shop and put that fucking camera down.” In a desperate atempt to rid themselves of their unwanted “shop” guests have taken to offering Bob a peice of cheese stuck to the end of a broom. This has, as yet had limited success in shifting Bob. As he brazenly told us “I’m not a mouse you know? In fact I’m not convinced that mice are actually that keen on cheese.


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Kwik Saved!

4 08 2005


Even the most blithely ignorant inhabitants of Moseley will have noticed the incredible facelift taking place in our local supermarket, with the possible exclusion of those people who read and produce B13 Magazine. What was formerly the “King’s Heath” of the supermarket world is now more like the errr… “Moseley” of the supermarket world. Boasting a new range of products including items never before heard of in “the Save”, such as “vegetarian” and “beauty”. This purveyor of previously shoddy goods now looks (and feels) better than ever.

The man in charge of our local Kwik Save (or manager) said “ This tactical re-structure was designed to bring us in line with our core audience. We have expanded our range of cheap, partailly bio-degraded meats. We have made it even easier to shoplift by placing a wider avenue in front of the main doors and we have made the store even brighter and scarier than before to better illuminate the lonely, pissed mentalists who shop there so we can laugh at their disorientation. “

Local people who are scared or confused about this change are being offered orientation sessions and given maps with the location of their favourite broken biscuits and cheap toilet rolls.


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What’s That Smell Of Fish?

4 08 2005


This was the question that was regularly asked by Moseley shoppers until early this Monday morning. The shocking news that local fishmonger and pricey pear retailer, Peter Vincent, was shutting his doors for the very last time, spread through Moseley like the smell of bad fish. It appears that the plan to develop the “Eastside” of downtown Moseley into a luxurious shopping paradise did not sit well with the traditionalist Mr Vincent.

The plans that will turn the area next to Kwik Save into an apparently much needed supermarket, meant that Mr Vincent would have had to pack his fishy bags and temporarily move over the road. This appears to be yet another example of Moseley’s mental planning policy. The new rules, which appear to prevent non estate agents opening premises whilst simultaneously pushing existing businesses towards closure, have been the envy of more prosperous areas of Birmingham for a number of years.

Areas such as Harborne, which has a thriving shopping area, have been looking high and low for such a solution. A local councillor from Harborne who surprisingly wished to remain nameless told us, “We’ve been jealous of Moseley for quite some time. When you come to Harborne all you see is busy shops and bustling pubs and all of them are pumping gratuitous amounts of cash into the local economy. What we need is a coherent, long-term plan to get some of these businesses shut down and more estate agents open. It’s economic common sense really, when a green grocer sells an apple, he makes a tiny profit, when an estate agent sells a house, they make a massive profit. That’s what we need massive profit and less people.”

All this local policy nonsense doesn’t exactly help the people of Moseley though. It is now estimated that local residents must now travel as far as two miles to the Birmingham indoor markets in order to purchase fish. Alright, we do accept that the fish costs about a third of what Mr Vincent charged but this isn’t really the point.

Lovers of fishy smells need not worry too much though, as there is still a large supply of rotting fish next to the Atlantis Kebab Superstore.


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The Bastards!!

4 08 2005


As your local news source, updated minute by minute, we try our best to shield you, the inhabitants of our fair community, from the evils of this modern world. We at the Eye humbly consider ourselves to be the Gandalfs to your hobbit… and as such we feel it necessary to warn you of a clear and present danger to the way we live our lives.

Gypsies, tramps and thieves. Crazies, street-drinkers and so called “care in the community” types. All of these people have flourished in our little community for may years, principally due to the vast grey area which separates the normal from the abnormal. Our friendly tolerance of these aberrant individuals has slowly but surely been transmuted into carelessness however, and now we are threatened by a… er… threat as real and powerful as the Death Star.

An anonymous package arrived at our offices containing glossy brochures, the like of which we hoped never to see. Publications such as “Tramps Away!”, “IQ 18-30″ and “Piss Up A Different Alley…” advertising holidays to Moseley for down and outs who want to live a slightly better class of life for a couple of weeks. Local luminaries such Willy, the man who sounds like he’s trying to cough up his own scrotum and “Electric Token” woman are all featured. They discuss in depth how easy life in Moseley can be thanks to the “addled minds of those gullible fucking hippies”. Accomodation is offered ranging from “One to Three Stains” and includes locations such as the “pissy mattresses round the back of Victoria Wine” and the “beautifully situated (across from an off-license)” graveyard.

Only with the discovery of this warped industry does it become clear why there is such a constant flow of brand new types of mentalist through the thoroughfares of our little village. Only now do we understand why you can be asked for change twenty times walking from Kwik Save to Cinephilia. Only now do we comprehend that they are :

Taking The Fucking Piss

The following quote was taken from the brochure, “Incomprehensibility Abroad”:

“…where else in all of Britain will you find a place that willingly spends two hundred and fifty thousand pounds on a brand new village green for the likes of us to get arseholed in? Nowhere!”

A torch wielding mob will be meeting on the green at 8 p.m.


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Runaway

4 08 2005


A Moseley wide manhunt began last week after, local celebrity and children’s favourite, Noddy went missing from Kwik Save. The little bloke was last seen tooling it down Alcester Road forcing pedestrians and beggars to run for their lives.

A traumatised pensioner told us “He was like a maniac, he just laughed and laughed and laughed. I’m sure he was going for my ankles. I blame the kids, I’m not sure why but they must have something to do with it.” This glib assessment turned out to be shockingly accurate. Noddy’s recently appointed social worker told us “Noddy has suffered years of mental abuse at the hands of some of Moseley’s younger residents. This has resulted in him slipping into a fantasy world where he believes he lives in a so-called “Toyland” with his life partner “Big Ears”. This wanton destruction is effectively a deadly cry for help.”

Police successfully managed to corner Noddy’s little yellow car at the top of King Edward Road where his lack of local knowledge had forced him to a stop. Now returned to his proper place in Kwik Save he is under constant supervision from the manager who told us yesterday “That’s one cartoon character I won’t be letting out of my sight in a hurry. It’s funny, it’s only when something’s gone that you realise it’s true worth.” Yes quite.


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Resistance Is Futile

4 08 2005


When much loved community policeperson Sergeant Tracey Packham decided to move on to the Operations Centre at Belgrave Road, Woodbridge Road saw the opportunity to finally clamp down on crime in Moseley.

As all local residents know crime is running out of control in downtown Moseley. With daily shootings and gangs of crack whores roaming the streets desperate measures were called for. Last year’s experiments with mechwarrior type search and destroy units (see eye passim) proved successful but failed to show the more sensitive side of community policing.

Thus the idea was born to call in Sergeant Kevin Borg. The Borg Collective are feared across the galaxy for their unceasing need to assimilate “lesser species”, and it was this unique skill that was thought particularly relevant to Moseley.

Although an inspired appointment, it hasn’t been a totally “glitch” free transition. At a recent meeting of the Moseley Traders Association Sergeant Borg told the gathered merchants that “Resistance was Futile” and tried to assimilate local news baron Mr Sai. It took the combined efforts of the manager of Kwik Save and the man who owns Zen to wrestle the cyborg to the floor. Mr Kwik Save told us later “He’s a strong fellah isn’t he? I reckon he just doesn’t appreciate our earth ways yet. He should have a word with Mr Nima, he had similar problems when he was first programmed.”

Eye on Moseley reckon that with his deadpan delivery and squeaky metal joints he should be a big hit in the on going fight against crime.


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