Twist and Shout

5 08 2005


An unseemly row seems to have broken out between the residents of Kings Heath, Moseley and Balsall Heath as a result of the recent opening of the “Corridor of Death” (please note nobody actually died). Residents of the various areas are up in arms concerning who actually suffered the most damage.

The Moseley Forum shouted at us “Kings Heath? Are you having a laugh? A crap bakers and an old church isn’t real damage. Have you seen the weather hell that we lived through? Have you walked Oxford Road? You certainly can’t drive down it.”

The Balsall Heath Forum has been incensed by these baseless accusations. They responded in an irritated tone “How many houses were destroyed in Moseley? I’ll tell you, none, well certainly not more than five. We don’t have many left.”

Police are now concerned that residents are taking matters into their own hands to provide further evidence of destruction. A spokesman told us “We are worried that certain groups of residents are actually causing more damage in a surreal tit for tat spat over who suffered the most damage. There have been reports of chainsaw wielding Moseleyites taking to the streets in the dead of night to cut even more trees down. This has to stop. Not only is it dangerous but it is also particularly silly”.

The havoc caused by natures clear disgust with the people of South Birmingham is not entirely bad news. A spokesman for Birmingham City Council told us “The one good thing about this is that it proves that our emergency plan is truly effective against extreme whether events. Some laughed at us when we inserted the Tornado clause into paragraph 4 but they are not laughing now.”

Paragraph 4 of the emergency plan states:-

“In the event of such an event as a Tornado, or any other form of mighty wind, the Police shall be given such powers as to instruct the event to desist causing much more damage and leave the area immediately”

As the emergency gathered pace it seems that the Police did issue such an order and greater catastrophe was avoided.

The Council spokesman continued “This is clear evidence of the great steps the ruling Conservative leadership have taken in managing this great city. If the Labour party were still in power this Tornado could have gone as far as Yardley. In fact if it was down to those bastards it probably would have started in Yardley.”

The residents of Small Heath have not been dragged into this strangest of arguments as some estimate that as a result of the Tornado some property values have increased by as much as 20% (©That old joke that was emailed to all South Birmingham residents on Friday morning)


Comments : 3 Comments »
Tags: , , ,
Categories : Story

Kings Heath “Could Have Bomb in Weeks!”

4 08 2005


Moseley security analysts were placed on high alert today after it came to light that the bulletheads of Kings Heath could have a bomb in a matter of weeks. It’s official guys; we’re on defcon 2!

A leaked report from the highest echelons of the emergency joint committee of Moseley Society, Moseley Traders Society, Moseley CDT and Jibbering Records states, “… due to the discovery of… atomic… material… being readily available… the only conclusion that we can draw is that those dumb twats up the road want to nuke our park.”

The Moseley Wardens have been stationed on twenty-four hour watch from classroom C5 of Queensbridge School to watch of signs of an imminent missile attack. Herr Oberfuhrer Kim Monaghan of the Moseley Wardens said, “We’ve figured that if there is a launch, we’ll be able to give the good people of Moseley an eight second warning before impact. This should be enough time to say, something along the lines of “Oh Fuck!” at least. It’s a worthwhile, but thankless task.”

P.C. Borg of The First Woodbridge Road Truncheon was seen issuing anti-nuclear umbrellas whilst muttering, “Shiny, shiny, shiny…”

A spokesbullethead for Kings Heath is quoted as saying, “… the whole thing is absolutely preposterous. We think the idea of us nuking Moseley Park and Pool is utterly bizarre. We’ve got two perfectly decent parks of our own and whilst we may not have an icehouse and some rare ducks, we’ve got the T.V. Garden from T.V.’s Gardener’s World. Beat that one hippies!”

The whole misunderstanding is thought to have arisen when some indie kids where overheard talking in Nima’s whilst purchasing a Hershey’s “Cookies and Cream” bar. It’s has been suggested that the whole incident was caused by much excitement and mirth at the sudden abundance of the Ned’s Atomic Dustbin back catalogue in Cash Converters. We wait for further reports from the Moseley Atomic Decontamination Organisation Nuclear Executive (MADONE) and will keep you updated.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Categories : Story

King’s Heath… On The Moon?

4 08 2005


Over the last year and a half the Eye On Moseley staff have received numerous local awards for our courageous (and occasionally dangerous) forays into the world of investigative reporting. Any regular reader of our sporadic interweb-based, news-zine will remember such classic exposes as “Yoghurt Rifle”, “Electric Cool Aid Cider Test” and “Nice Hole”. And it looks like we may have uncovered the most sinister plot yet conceived by King’s Heathens against fair Moseley.

Only the most carefully trained eyes will have noted the gradual disappearance of Moseley’s leading scientists. Physicists, mathematicians and other assorted clever heads have been unused in Moseley society since the sad departure of the “Local Scientists” column in B13 magazine. Resentment against Moseley and its people has been high since the not so popular feature was dropped and a trickle of defectors has now become a flood. But where is this “river” of scientists flowing to? And why?

We can tell you. They’re going to the moon. In rockets. Moon rockets. At the order of “The Kings Heath Council For The Annexation And Subsequent Enslavement Of Moseley” (K.H.C.A.E.M ). Needless to say we were shocked to discover the existence of such an organisation. And were more shocked to discover how they intend to annexe and enslave us.
The gravitational pull of Kings Heath on Earth is exactly the same as Moseley . This is easy to understand. However, the creation of a second Kings Heath on the moon, in a geo-stationary position above the original Kings Heath, creates an effect known as “abstract gravity”. This results in a doubling of the gravity between the two points, this extra gravity can then be stored in a “Farce field” (similar to the “force fields” in popular science fiction, but less likely ). Who knows how they will utilise this against us? Can we wait to find out?

Even now major Kings Heath businesses such as McDonalds , International Stock and Safeway are financing the huge costs of travelling to the moon, in the hope of being the first shops to ply their trade there. When we pointed out to them that the moon’s resident population is relatively low, which might lead to comparatively poor sales, they replied “If there are no retail outlets, and no comestible purveyors, why should we expect the people of Kings Heath to take their purchasing power to the moon?”. When we pointed out to the same local businesses that there was a shortage of both “retail outlets” and “comestible purveyors” because there was no fucking Oxygen, because it’s the fucking moon, they eventually replied (after some hushed and frantic conversation) “Oh.”

We carried out a straw poll of King’s Heathens who just happened to be “out and about”, on whether or not they would consider going to a McDonalds on the moon. 84% replied “Ooh… yes bab.”, 9% replied “You what? A McDonalds on the moon… Get out of it” and 7% replied “Would there be parking?”

We polled the same people on a second question “Would you still go to McDonalds on the moon, bearing in mind that it doesn’t have any Oxygen?”, to which 100% replied “Oxy what?”
It just goes to show that we have nothing to fear from Kings Heathens, at least until they get round to pulling their finger out.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Story

Infamy, Insidiousness and Innovation!

4 08 2005


Agents of stealth and the proletarian consciousness have struck against Eye On Moseley, in a bid to prevent any further dissemination of our wholesome and fulfilling news and information to the people of King’s Heath. While the perpetrators of the act are now known to us, this information arrived too late to be of any use, and we are left clearing up after this monstrous attack.

We finally received news today from our double-agent working inside the King’s Heath propaganda nerve-centre (known to the unsuspecting public as the “In-Shop” sort of indoor market thing) that the attack was carried out by “The King’s Heath Network For Pregnant Teenagers and B and H fags”.

This “Network” stole back the scientists that we so publicly stole from them six months ago, using a tunnel in broad daylight to get into the vault in which they were kept, inside the Midland bank. They brought their awesome knowledge to bear on ground-breaking work in trainer / baseball cap cross-correlative coding, similar to binary, and broke the sci-fi / reality barrier, coming up with a devastating plan. Using their newly discovered minituarisation technology they placed a highly trained King’s Heathen commando into a microscopic vessel, which was loaded into a syringe in a scene reminiscent of “Inner Space” (starring Rick Moranis and Dennis Quaid), the intention being to inject one of our key members of staff and thus spread panic and fear throughout our offices.

Their vile plan worked and on one terrible morning two weeks ago ( now known as “The Morning Of The Big Foot” ) one of our most witty writers woke up with an exceptionally large foot. At first it was thought it may be the result of a bad packet of crisps, but this was discarded as a ludicrous idea. The best doctors money could buy were unable to provide a prognosis.The panic snowballed.

The foot not only prevented our man from carrying out the most basic tasks, but involved the rest of the staff in keeping him supplied with shopping, lager and other sundries. The pressure mounted until our own scientists finally came up with a miniaturisation process and injected one of our own Moseley commandos into the afflicted area. Needless to say our superior training and healthy diet saved the day. Whilst recovering, our large extremitied friend said “I was unprepared for the first penetration, and it went badly. The prospect of double penetration was a much more welcome idea and it went a lot more smoothly.”


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags:
Categories : Story

Mack The Knife.

4 08 2005


Local funny man with a social conscience Martin Mullaney recently felt the long arm of the law whilst innocently cycling through downtown Kings Heath. Martin known throughout the land for his sterling community work, was on his way to Moseley to make things generally better.

In order to aid his good works he was obviously required to attach a large knife to the end of a broom handle. The police in Kings Heath long known for their almost Aryan efficiency, (unlike Moseley where they get to go home at four O’clock) were not going to let such a blatant breach of public safety go unchallenged.

When asked to justify his actions Martin did not aid his situation by shouting “No bastard copper is going to take me alive.” The local police realising a situation could develop calmed things down by throwing Mr Mullaney in the cells.

It was only through the intervention of the finest minds the Moseley Forum has to offer that his speedy release was secured. At the end of his ordeal a shattered Mr Mullaney’s only comment was “Bloody hell I feel like Terry Waite”.

We asked Mr Mullaney to comment on this turn of events he told us “Come to the Cheeky Monkey Comedy Club at the Hare and Hounds, it’s Moseley’s finest comedy club and it’s conveniently located in Kings Heath.”


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Story

Moseley “a bit shit” Shock

4 08 2005


Moseley was brought to it’s knees weeping after the release of a classified Birmingham University paper that claimed Moseley is in fact “a bit shit”. The Sociology department had been commissioned to write a report on Economic Growth within the West Midlands Conurbation. The study took place over the course of three years and examined key indicators in set areas within the West Midlands. Moseley was considered a pivotal area to examine.

The study found that Moseley is not the bustling interracial melting pot that we had all come to believe, but is in fact a largely white, largely middle class extension to Kings Heath where house prices are unrealistically high. The cause for this misunderstanding has been put down to the fact that residents of Moseley spend so much time wrapped up in the belief that they live in the best place in the world that they haven’t noticed what the rest of the world is up to.

Eye on Moseley constantly crusading to maintain the belief that Moseley is “special” decided to challenge the studies findings. We approached the authors and asked them to justify their ridiculous assertions. Dr J Bland of the Sociology Department agreed to meet us and explain his controversial standpoint. We presented him with a copy of the recent Birmingham Post article that claimed Moseley is in fact the new Notting Hill or Greenwich Village. Stifling a laugh he said “Well I suppose they are a bit similar, Notting Hill has a carnival that a million people a year go to and Moseley has a…… What’s that thing that’s a bit like a car boot sale in the summer? Oh yes the Moseley festival.” He added “Greenwich Village on the other hand that’s a different matter, that’s where Bob Dylan was discovered and spawned the birth of the beat generation, in many ways I see the rise of Ocean Colour Scene being very similar. Oh no, sorry I’m taking the piss.”

We believe this study can only be considered a complete travesty of education. Whilst other places may encourage growth of art and culture they are unlikely to generate the levels of passion that were recently seen when Weatherspoons were going to open a new pub. Oh yeah and did you know JRR Tolkien used to live here?


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Story

The House Of Death

4 08 2005


Normal folk were horrified to learn today that right on their very doorsteps, lurks a charnel house of evil. This brick edifice of doom lies near the hinter land of King’s Heath, in full view of children, young mothers and the elderly, few of whom can suspect it’s grisly purpose. A local man made the awful discovery when he went to a friend’s house for a social visit. When he arrived, he was horrified to find two pale men in dark suits inside hovering around his friend, Mr.Arpnummf, who appeared to be sleeping. The man rushed to defend his friend from these fiends, but more of the pale, be-suited demons arrived and restrained him while others carried out strange, secret rituals. They then carried Mr.Arpnumff away in a strange elongated black car, to this very house of death. They took him inside and Mr.X could no longer see what was going on. He waited ’til nightfall and broke in, only to find himself surrounded by pale, still people in decorative wooden boxes. Among them his friend, Mr.Arpnumff. Some were being filled with strange fluids, while others had been grotesquely made up. Mr.X commented ” It be the black magic arts, I’ll bet my boots.”

A torch wielding mob will be gathering at 9:00 pm.


Comments : 1 Comment »
Tags: ,
Categories : Story

Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


I was born and raised in Moseley. I shop, eat, and spend my leisure time locally. Like many Moseleyites, what attracted me, (and many of you I’m sure, dear reader) was it’s steadfast rurality in the heart of urban Birmingham. Where else can you see the long shadows of cricketers spilling across the village green of a warm summer evening ? Or enjoy a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake, whilst pondering over whether to watch “Heartbeat” or “Peak Practice” ? These are things we all enjoy, things I’m sure none of us ever want to change.

But change comes, and with change must come fear. We have all seen the signs. Baseball caps have trebled in appearance. White trainers have almost doubled in popularity, and there is now a car passing by you on the high street, playing extremely loud garage music, every 30 seconds. Our quiet, happy, paradise is being integrated, under our very noses, into the dark heart of King’s Heath, and there seems to be very little we can do about it. Or is there? I propose direct, violent action. We will march on King’s Heath’s headquarter’s (International Stock),under the combined leadership of representatives of the Chantry Rd Tennis Club (in assocation with the Chantry Rd Mafia ), The Sage Moseley Defence Unit and elite forces from the Sandford Road massive. (Big Up Yourselves!) We will destroy the very heart of their community when we destroy International Stock, and then occupy Blockbuster. Then we will own them, and they will give us the respect we deserve. It’s time for action Moseleyite’s.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Simon Says

Eh?

4 08 2005

Chaos ensued this morning as shocked local residents peered out of their windows to find that roads in Moseley are suddenly going the wrong way…Commuters trying to get to King’s Heath found themselves in the badlands of the city centre, and those trying to get to the city centre were upset and angry to find themselves in the nightmarish hell-hole that is King’s Heath. Another anomaly of this peculiar event was an apparent loop that has appeared on Woodbridge Rd, meaning that those on Woodbridge Rd at the time of the event are stuck, unable to move off down one road, without appearing at the start of another.

One shocked pedestrian was able to escape, by being unwholesomely pissed at the time of the event. He said “It’s a bit like Back To The Future. But with roads.”


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: ,
Categories : Story

Give Us Back Our Scientists

4 08 2005


A diplomatic storm was a brewin’ last week after shock stories of kidnapping and deceit emerged. Kings Heath residents claim that individuals in Moseley have been stealing their scientists. The diabolical human trade was uncovered when Birmingham University noticed its cybernetics department had gone. A representative of the university told us “We only noticed last month, the whole department had gone. Well not the building, but the staff have vanished. They all used to live in a big house together in Kings Heath but they’ve all gone. They’d been gone quite a while if all the copies of the New Scientist outside were anything to go by.”

The so-called “Kings Heath Brain Drain” began a few years ago with theft of a Mr C Daniels a research scientist who lived in Silver Street. It also co-incided with the third edition of Birmingham 13 Magazine’s “Moseley Scientist” column. A friend of Mr Daniels said, “I thought it was strange I saw Birmingham 13 Magazine and it had an interview with a Professor Nathaniels, he looked like Charlie, apart from the large rubber nose.”

An insider at Birmingham 13 Magazine told us “I don’t know how we got so involved. The Moseley Scientists column was so popular with our readers we didn’t have the heart to tell them we’d run out of scientists, so we decided to borrow a couple.” He added “It’s easy, you just go to the Prince of Wales and get them talking about Chaos Theory and then drug their beer. My mates got a van, so we can get them to the lock up on Chantry Road.”

At this time it is not known how many of the traumatised scientists survive the notoriously probing interview style of the Birmingham 13 journalists.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Story

« Previous Entries