Moseley residents woke in a state of disarray today to find that someone had stolen the sacred white lines of Moseley. In a random act of vandalism, some thoughtless fool had pilfered said lines leading to what can only be described as “traffic chaos”. The so-called, self-styled, alleged “traffic chaos” started when cars forgot which direction they were meant to be going as a result of the missing arrows at the junctions. Eye witnesses talking of the ensuing road madness in hushed vocodaed tones to disguse their identity said, “It was like everyone was drunk, they just drove round and round in circles, with more and more cars until it came to a complete standstill – like some kind of donut – what I like to call a carnut.”
The council is said to be launching an investigation, although we at the Eye have already begun flinging muck in the hope that some of it will stick. The office odds are as follows:
10-1 on Ken “the caring face of fascism” Hardeman – in a freak outburst of rage at not becoming our elected representative (again), he stole them to spite us and show that the tories are indeed tough on crime.
5-1 on Paul Merson – Villa legend in his own 18-yard box (let’s face it, they rarely get out of there), Merse was allegedly spotted out and about in Moseley and we all know what that can mean for anything of a linear nature.
Evens Martin Mullaney – In election pamphlets, Martin went out of his way to indicate to us what he was capable of… not least of which, the dreaded requesting of the repair of the bench outside the entrance to Highbury Park (on Kings Heath High Street) – what a fiend.