There was dancing in the streets when the Moseley Ward Committee announced it was going to allocate vast amounts of its considerable funds to providing us with an integrated CCTV system. On hearing the news some residents stated that even before the cameras have been installed they feel as much as 16% safer than they did yesterday.

A spokesman for Moseley’s criminal underworld told us yesterday “You can rest assured that none of my members will be committing petty larceny outside of Boots from now on. Oh no.”

This funding allocation has brought into question the somewhat haphazard system of grant allocation that appears to have been instituted by our Ward Committee. It has been long known that a well written application can gain you wealth that most people only dream of but now it seems like anyone will get a fist full of cash if they just turn up to a meeting.

This was emphasised by the curious tale of Mr Dan Massless from Augusta Road, he told us “I only popped into the CDT to ask where the 35 goes from now and the next thing I knew they’d given me 35 million quid to put a member of a BME community into space. It’s a fucking outrage. On the other hand if you do know a black or asian person that has a head for heights please give them my phone number.”

Those sceptics that say the whole CCTV scheme is a blatant waste of money really are not considering the bigger picture. In light of the recent Tornado that attempted to tidy up some areas of Moseley we can now see that footage of such extreme events could be sold on to media companies at a vast profit. A spokesman for Moseley ward hinted to us “I’ve already had that Richard Madeley on the phone. He makes that fantastic show “Eye of the Storm” for Sky Travel and he wanted to know if we had any exclusive footage. Unfortunately it forgot to go near Boots. We’ll get the bugger next time though.”

So next time you get the feeling that someone is watching you stagger out of the Cross you will probably be right.

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