When 8 Till Late burnt to the ground many thought it was the result of a typically ham-fisted insurance job or at the very least a strange fridge fire. When Fire Investigation Officers began to sort through the remnants of poor quality porn that littered the crime scene they were chilled to discover a slightly charred, signed picture of Jamie Oliver.
Many in Moseley were perturbed when our new Sainsbury’s Local employed a Serbian Death Squad to handle it’s public relations but a combination of fear and quality food meant many kept silent. We asked the manager what prompted this unconventional move, he told us “Many people underestimate the team spirit that was born on the battlefields of Bosnia and it is something that we as a company have sort to harness.”
Some in Moseley have seen another side to this enlightened employment policy. Local celebrity and purveyor of expensive stuff, Mr Nima told us “They told me they didn’t like my bread and they were going to teach me a lesson. That’s when they cut my hands off, both of them. It really hurt.” For reasons of fairness, it should be pointed out that many people are sceptical of Mr Nima’s story.
When confronted with this compelling evidence the Sanisbury’s manager told us “But Mr Nima’s got hands. I think I can say with some certainty that no limbs have ever been lost due to Sainsbury’s employees. They did experience some problems in Maypole when some child soldiers from the Congo were shelf stacking but extensive retraining and a letter of apology cleared that up.”
A representative of the Select and Save corporation told us “We’re not unduly worried but if they really think they’re hard enough, then come on, we’ll take you all on.”