Road to Nowhere

When Salisbury Road exploded in a shower of human excrement it caused all of our thoughts and prayers to be directed to this most cherished part of Moseley. As the community was sealed off from human contact many of us wondered about the practical things. Would they all smell bad? Would their isolation cause social norms to collapse and a feral form of humanity to evolve?

A week after Salisbury Road was closed to the rest of us it seemed our fears were unfounded. Yes, it smells a bit but it’s no worse than King Heath High Street. Ok, laws aren’t applied in the same way as before but it’s a good-natured lawlessness, like an episode of Minder.

As a result of this unexpected closure, a decision has been taken to make it permanent. A Council spokesperson told us “We’ve done the maths and it seems that those houses most inconvenienced by the closure of Salisbury Road are, on average, 15% smaller than the houses actually on Salisbury Road. As house size is a fairly good indicator of human decency we have decided to close Salisbury Road to everyone except the good people that live there”.

A jubilant resident’s association member told us “Let’s be clear this isn’t one of those liberal traffic calming things. You’re all banned. Including cyclists and pedestrians. In many ways the walkers are the worst, looking through our windows gasping at our massive tellys. Get out of here, we’re going to have a street party and none of you are invited.”

The people of Salisbury Road wish to make it clear that they do not need buses.