Moseley has been placed on a state of high alert following the prospect of an early finish to the Test Match at Edgbaston. Police have warned that a premature England victory could unleash a hoard of thirsty men onto our streets and into our pubs.

 

A representative of the police told us “In many ways this is the perfect storm. A sunny day, a surprise England win and men that have psychologically prepared themselves to drink for at least six hours and none of them have to go to work tomorrow. They will not be stopped. You’ve got to remember that for many of these men this is the first time they’ve been allowed to have a pint in the day without their wives watching since 2005.”

 

Experts have told us that many will be deterred by the seemingly insurmountable hill of Salisbury Road and will fan out across Edgbaston to forage for beer. Somewhat dubious of this theory a local resident told us “If you’re a grown man and you’ve gone to watch sport dressed as a fucking Flintstone then you’re going to want to drink in a proper pub with a proper beer garden, are you going to find that in Stirchley? I doubt it very much.”

 

Civil defence experts have advised Moseley residents to leave the centre of the village as quickly and safely as possible with the chilling warning “There will be vomit.”