It is now sixty four days since a party of Accountants were nailed into the Lime and Chilli House and Police are becoming increasingly concerned for their well being. This cruel act was apparently perpetrated by a large gang of kids in yet another example of Big Brother related crime. The Accountants were apparently enjoying the ambience when boards were placed over the windows sealing them in their very own death tomb. This senselesss act has brought mild criticism from many within a community. A passerby said to us yesterday “Why can’t they just go out of the backdoor?” In an attempt to bring some sort of meaning to this random incarceration we challenged the police on their perceived inaction. They told us “I blame the parents really. They let them watch these so called reality TV programs and it’s sort of obvious they’re going to go and copy them isn’t it? At the end of the day though we just thank the Lord the place is licensed. Can you imagine the carnage? At present we are just waiting to get hold of a local artisan with a claw hammer or maybe a crowbar.” Although unusual this event is not without precedent. In the late nineties a bunch those sort of new age types were sealed into the old Zen. The tales of cannibalism still bring cold sweats to many of the vegetarians of Moseley.
Anonymous labourers are digging themselves a hole that they will be very lucky to get out of in Moseley Park. These foolish workmen are at work on an as yet unidentified project in a spooky, dis-used corner of the Park. What they don’t know yet is that the area remains unused and cordoned off because it is an ancient Vegan burial ground, used by members of the Sage Co-operative and blessed by the shamen at Zen. Disturbing the bones of these ancient founders of Moseley is likely to bring a great cloud over Moseley and the dead will possibly rise and shamble round,maybe buying new clothes from the “new look” (…snigger…) Kwik Save. Whether or not anyone will notice this in mind of the recent tide of depraved scum filling the village, we don’t know, but we fear the worst. We asked Zen for comment and they said “…have you tried imbibing your own micturation, it’s very good for you and completely free…”, whilst Sage asked us if we’d “…tried an organic flapjack…”.
Summer always brings a wacky care free spirit to the streets of Moseley and this summer looks set to be no different from all the others. In these heady days Moseley residents seem to lose their minds in ever more original ways. Be it beating up a random stranger outside O’Neils or opening a business that makes people stop and shout “WHY?” This summer has seen the closing of one of the many Zen’s which has, in turn, paved the way for the equally crazy Mullatto’s Leaf. Moseley’s latest retail addition fills a vital hole in the market that no other shop in Moseley has even considered. How many times have you woken up on a Saturday morning and thought “I have to go all the way into town to buy an expensive item of clothing made out of Hemp?” Well don’t worry because now everyones favourite type of organic clothing is readily available on Woodbridge Road. We applaud this endeavour and believe all of you who that doubt it’ll still be there next summer should bow your heads in shame.
Every few months Eye on Moseley gathers together the finest minds in a vain attempt to finally solve the thorny problem of who is the most powerful person in Moseley. After weeks of deliberation and mountains of submissions from the community we can finally reveal the one individual who can rightly claim to be our “better”. As is customary in this made up competition the most powerful person in Moseley has been selected from a shortlist of ten based on four distinct and important categories. Each person has been graded on how contemporary they are, their recognised acts of human kindness, their appearance and how “Moseley” they are. The results were as follows: – 1. Woman On A Stool 2. Martin Mullaney 3. The One Legged Man 4. Spanish Rick 5. The Ginger Haired Woman Of Atlantis 6. Elaine 7. The Pornstar 8. Tony Thapar 9. The Piss Drinking Woman Of Zen 10. Mr Woodbridge Hardware The clear winner has been tirelessly serving the people of Moseley with fags and beer at reasonable prices for many years. Nobody who has ever been caught on Woodbridge Road gagging for a can of Special Brew can have failed to notice her cheery nature and the accuracy of her change. Unfortunately for the Woman On A Stool the prize for winning this coveted status is a two-litre bottle of cider, which we realise, is something she’s not exactly short of. All the same though, congratulations and use your power well. Besides our glorious […]
Passengers on the 50 bus were rooted to their seats last week when Moseley opticians “Eye Society” unveiled it’s latest crazy marketing strategy. Renowned locally for it’s cheeky name and contempt for mainstream opticians, it boldly opened a shop with the same name in the same street. Many retail comentators saw this move as reminiscent of the notorious boom in shops called “Zen”, seen in Moseley in recent years. Though it certainly seems to have their bitter rivals “Pabari Opticians” worried. Their spokesperson told us “It’ll never last, it’s just some cruel trick to confuse postmen. Anyway we’ll just smash their windows or something.” A press release from “Eye Society” said “Through our dual premises approach to eye care we show our customers that their self has both a Yin and a Yang, just as a person has a left eye and a right eye.” Eye on Moseley feels it’s unlikely that Moseley residents would fall for such a cynical attempt to cash in on something a Buddhist told them.
Guess what I saw the other day. Go on, guess. A lovely big jay. I think it was a jay anyway. Lovely blue tail. I don’t know if I was more pleased about seeing that little fella, or about those cheeky squirrels who scamper about in my rooftop garden, with little bits of toast in their gobs. Oh how they make me chuckle. But I always feel on the verge of a big belly laugh nowadays, dont you ? It’s difficult to see how things could could get any better somedays, when it’s sunny and the lovely smooth thigh’s of nature are wrapped around everyone’s faces. Isn’t it nice to just be able to take a midnight stroll through the park, with your faithful bitch by your side, without worrying about the cold? And isn’t it nice to be able to throw a bit of a barbecue and just…chat? No. All my fucking hair’s falling out, I’m getting fucking sucked dry by fleas and in my tossy fucking rooftop garden it gets too hot to walk on the bloody ground. And no-one makes fucking flip-flops for cats, do they? Summer? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that it’s shit, and I say fuck it. and anyone who doesn’t like it, FUCK YOU. (By the way, there are flip-flops available for cats with feet of all sizes. Available in Sage and both Zen’s, these comfy wheat-based pet shoes are both edible and vegan friendly).
You may have noticed last month, a few ‘references’ to Zen Health drinks. Well, this month, we are proud to put you out of your collective misery and reveal all about these bizarre potions. Zen Research Laboratories (ZRL) today announced the discovery of an organic “cure-all”. Below is an interview with a spokeswoman… ZRL: “The discovery was made whilst one of our scientists was on the khazi. She discovered that the imbibing of bodily fluids aids in the repelling of bacteria and other undesirables.” Eye: “What, you mean she decided to drink her own piss?” ZRL: “Well, I wouldn’t have put it quite so coursely.” Eye: “Yeah, but you can’t deny that she was partaking of her own golden waters…” ZRL: “Well, er, no…” Eye: “I’m not fucking surprised nothing’ll go near her.” ZRL: “It’s not so bad really. Would you like to try some?” Eye: “No” Yet again, another piece of expert journalism by the Eye.
As summer approaches so to does the mating season for the Zen. The holistic health shops that litter the streets of Moseley must mate once a year in order to propogate their species. This is a particularly worrying peice of news for all the other shops that are in between Alcester Road and Woodbridge Road. The manager of Kwik Save told us “Yeah we saw this happen in Bristol in 1982, one of our stores got crushed under a bloated lust filled health food shop it wasn’t pretty. My area manager is coming down to sort it out.”Many solutions have been proposed though the clear favourite is a defensive line of fun pubs that will cut across from the railway line to the top of Chantry Road.