When 8 Till Late burnt to the ground many thought it was the result of a typically ham-fisted insurance job or at the very least a strange fridge fire. When Fire Investigation Officers began to sort through the remnants of poor quality porn that littered the crime scene they were chilled to discover a slightly charred, signed picture of Jamie Oliver. Many in Moseley were perturbed when our new Sainsbury’s Local employed a Serbian Death Squad to handle it’s public relations but a combination of fear and quality food meant many kept silent. We asked the manager what prompted this unconventional move, he told us “Many people underestimate the team spirit that was born on the battlefields of Bosnia and it is something that we as a company have sort to harness.” Some in Moseley have seen another side to this enlightened employment policy. Local celebrity and purveyor of expensive stuff, Mr Nima told us “They told me they didn’t like my bread and they were going to teach me a lesson. That’s when they cut my hands off, both of them. It really hurt.” For reasons of fairness, it should be pointed out that many people are sceptical of Mr Nima’s story. When confronted with this compelling evidence the Sanisbury’s manager told us “But Mr Nima’s got hands. I think I can say with some certainty that no limbs have ever been lost due to Sainsbury’s employees. They did experience some problems in Maypole when some child soldiers from […]
Today Moseley was filled with boggle eyed wonderment as people for the first time experienced bread that wasn’t stale by the time you get to Woodbridge Road and milk that doesn’t have the lingering odour of a sick child. This earth shattering event may well spell doom for Kwik Save but as the manager told us this morning they’re not that worried “Well if they think they can come round here with they’re fresh fruit and vegetables they’ve got another thing coming. We know what the people of Moseley want and isn’t a wide selection of sauces from the far east and polite staff. No, they want broken biscuits and the opportunity to queue endlessly.” All though we have tried not to get sucked into heady atmosphere of excitement that now pervades Moseley we have to admit that we will now be first in the queue to tell Kwik Save to “pack your bags and fuck off.”
It is now sixty four days since a party of Accountants were nailed into the Lime and Chilli House and Police are becoming increasingly concerned for their well being. This cruel act was apparently perpetrated by a large gang of kids in yet another example of Big Brother related crime. The Accountants were apparently enjoying the ambience when boards were placed over the windows sealing them in their very own death tomb. This senselesss act has brought mild criticism from many within a community. A passerby said to us yesterday “Why can’t they just go out of the backdoor?” In an attempt to bring some sort of meaning to this random incarceration we challenged the police on their perceived inaction. They told us “I blame the parents really. They let them watch these so called reality TV programs and it’s sort of obvious they’re going to go and copy them isn’t it? At the end of the day though we just thank the Lord the place is licensed. Can you imagine the carnage? At present we are just waiting to get hold of a local artisan with a claw hammer or maybe a crowbar.” Although unusual this event is not without precedent. In the late nineties a bunch those sort of new age types were sealed into the old Zen. The tales of cannibalism still bring cold sweats to many of the vegetarians of Moseley.
With crime rocketing out of control in Moseley it appears that a drastic solution is called for. Some may consider public hanging is a little too drastic but it is undeniable that the rotting corpse of a young criminal suspended thirty feet above Moseley High Street is likely to have a strong deterrant effect. This extreme solution has been prompted by calls for justice from local animal rights campaigners, the police and local Muslims. Recently all concerned were outraged when feckless youths painted “Fuck the pigs” across the front of Woodbridge Road police station. A representative of a local animal rights group told us “It’s disgusting, the thought of violating a defenceless animal turns my stomach. We should take these bastards and talk to them in the only language they understand.” The erection of a gallows on Moseley High Street has now been completed and we can expect the first public hanging to coincide with the next farmers market. It should be a cracking day out for all the family.
The sort of inane curiosity that seems to be the curse of tiny suburban communities has once again consumed Moseley. Everywhere you go all you can hear is the same hushed question repeatedly being asked of all and sundry, “What are all those concrete blocks doing on Woodbridge Road?” they say. This seemingly innocuous addition to the village infrastructure has captured the people of Moseley’s imaginations with a force that hasn’t been seen since Willie got a new hat. The shocking reasons for this ad hoc customisation of Moseley’s oldest and only bridge are both interesting and complicated. Over the last month we have had an undercover reporter secluded on Woodbridge Road monitoring developments as they happen. What we have learnt goes to the very top of Moseley society and the implications are clear for everyone to see. The blocks appeared over night and just about everyone has a theory about what they are doing. One such theory is that the new Italian restaurant installed them in a bizarre yet shit publicity stunt. We have managed to discredit this theory as the bunkum it surely is. Our suspicions were first aroused by Woodbridge Hardware’s sudden increase in trade. Scruffy Moseley types have been seen entering the hardware shop at unlikely times of the day and night and leaving with satisfied yet vacant looks on their faces. We challenged one individual to explain his sudden interest in late might DIY and clearly touched a nerve, he told us “Look mate I’ve […]
If you’re at a loss in central Moseley anytime this week, why not take a stroll down Woodbridge Rd? “Fuck off” I hear you shout, “It’s shit down there!”. Well think again. Just off Woodbridge Rd, where the lock ups are, is a little treasure trove of “yoot” culture that’s pure “bad” (and that means good!). There was always graffiti down there, but it looked rubbish, so I never bothered to have a look. But when I saw some “yoots” there recently, doing fresh “tings”, instead of phoning the Police, which is what I normally do when I see young people “chilling”, I thought “No…let them have their “props”.” So I left them to it and they’ve transformed those dirty Krueger-esque huts into a colourful vista of ermm..colours. A place where I’d happily let my children play at all hours of the day and night.Maybe. So next time you’re down that way, pop your head in and “check out” the urban “flavas” that are on display. And for maximum effect why not “bag up” a “doobie” and “choke the green stoat” in a “ardcore style”.Respec’.
Summer always brings a wacky care free spirit to the streets of Moseley and this summer looks set to be no different from all the others. In these heady days Moseley residents seem to lose their minds in ever more original ways. Be it beating up a random stranger outside O’Neils or opening a business that makes people stop and shout “WHY?” This summer has seen the closing of one of the many Zen’s which has, in turn, paved the way for the equally crazy Mullatto’s Leaf. Moseley’s latest retail addition fills a vital hole in the market that no other shop in Moseley has even considered. How many times have you woken up on a Saturday morning and thought “I have to go all the way into town to buy an expensive item of clothing made out of Hemp?” Well don’t worry because now everyones favourite type of organic clothing is readily available on Woodbridge Road. We applaud this endeavour and believe all of you who that doubt it’ll still be there next summer should bow your heads in shame.
Last Friday saw a stampede of hungry people racing through the centre of Moseley after unconfirmed rumours that the Evergreen Chinese takeaway were selling nice food. A local man told us “I was a bit hammered and I thought I’d get some food. Whenever I go in the Evergreen I only get chips ’cause well you can’t get them wrong can you? Anyway I don’t know what came over me but I really fancied some Chop Suey, so I got some and it was like, really nice. It sort of tasted Chinese. I’d always thought Chinese food was covered in grease and salt but apparently not.” This shock revelation has seen massive queues forming on Alcester Road in the fear that this culinary improvement might only be a temporary change. The situation has also caused consternation on Woodbridge Road where the Royal Naweed curry house has realised they too might have to start producing edible food.
Chaos ensued this morning as shocked local residents peered out of their windows to find that roads in Moseley are suddenly going the wrong way…Commuters trying to get to King’s Heath found themselves in the badlands of the city centre, and those trying to get to the city centre were upset and angry to find themselves in the nightmarish hell-hole that is King’s Heath. Another anomaly of this peculiar event was an apparent loop that has appeared on Woodbridge Rd, meaning that those on Woodbridge Rd at the time of the event are stuck, unable to move off down one road, without appearing at the start of another. One shocked pedestrian was able to escape, by being unwholesomely pissed at the time of the event. He said “It’s a bit like Back To The Future. But with roads.”