William “Willy” Geoghan was found dead yesterday by a friend at an address on Park Hill. His body is currently at the Coroner’s Office, awaiting official identification. “Willy” or “Old Bill” as he was known locally had been walking the streets of Moseley for decades now, and whether you knew him by name or not, the smartly dressed old man with the white beard and ever present bottle of cider was a local figure of unparalleled position. His health had been declining rapidly recently since a fall last winter in which he broke his hip, but he refused to be indoors for more than the length of time it took to eat a meal or drink a cup of tea. Although no saint, Willy was an affable old fellow, and we at Eye on Moseley would like to salute him and hope that he can rest in death in a way that he never could in life.
With the advent of the new Alcohol Free Zone in downtown Moseley we are all set to lead more fulfilling lives (if a little more sober). Though this irresponsible legislation could have spelt doom for everyones favourite streetdrinker. Willie has been quitely drunk on the Village Green since before accurate records began; this era almost came to a shocking end. His cheery cry of “Hello, have you got any money?” has greeted Moseley shoppers as they go about their business for many years. In many ways this has become a foundation of all of our lives. Based on Willies’ utter incomprehension of what is going on in our world it would have been unlikely that he could grasp the subtleties of the new anti-street drinker legislation. As a result the police were expecting to arrest him most days as he goes about his evil business. That is until local the local traders association stepped into to preserve this most vital of local institutions. A representative of the traders association told us this morning “A Moseley without Willie is a Moseley that none of us want to live in. Let’s face it he’s never done anyone any harm, except the owner of Bistro Lyonaise who he punched in the face, but it’s hardly a crime is it? A bunch of us decided that the only way to help him was to build what can only be called a Wendy House in the centre of the Village Green.” This novel approach means […]
Scenes reminiscent of Vietnam came to Moseley this week when a large group of confused Americans ended up in the wrong place, once more. Bedecked in Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts, these camera-toting freaks wandered round our tranquil country village on the hunt for Hampton Court. Bemused Moseley residents watched in disbelief as the tourists had there photo taken with Willy after a nameless japester pointed him out as William the Conqueror. A more helpful resident, genuinely concerned for the well-being of our American cousins, pointed them in the direction of Palm Court, but the tourists were disappointed to see that it has since changed its name and is no longer associated with tropical plants. Returning to the centre, the now angry Americans confronted Moseley denizens with post cards and guide books. “It was like a scene out of Platoon or something,” said cartoon-bodied, prostitute woman in an unusual outburst of clarity, “there was all these yanks everywhere and stuff, I was scared.” The situation was finally resolved when quick thinking Big Issue Sales-tart, Hufty Bungle, directed the hapless Yankee-doodle dandies to Highbury Hall… “It was all I could do to get rid of them. They were ranting about red brick gatehouses, so I thought, “Highbury Hall.” Near as damn it anyway. Well, at least they left my patch; they were doing my sales no end of damage, with their chants of “We want some history.” Most peculiar it was too.” As a result of this confusion, Moseley is currently […]
Moseley long compared with some of the great cities of the world has made a bid to usurp Paris as a recognised centre of culture. The impromptu cafe culture that has developed on the streets of Moseley has brought an exciting new “cosmopolitan” attitude to it’s residents. This cultural shift was brought about by the many local eateries that encourage their patrons to sit in the street and eat their dinner. A representative of the Moseley Traders Association told us “Before it was street drinkers and a big bag of chips but now with a few tables and chairs it looks like the tree lined boulevards of Paris. I bet you can’t get chiken tikka in a naan in Paris, oh no.” The obvious problems of sitting a few feet from a busy road doesn’t seem to bother locals who like nothing more than sipping Chianti and watching the world go by. Though the world does tend to stop quiet a lot and ask if you’ve got any change or even a spare cigarette. As of yesterday “Willy” was once again incomprehensible.
Local residents have once again been appalled by yet anther case of cider spiking. This cruel practice has become endemic in Moseley Village of recent times and is believed to be the work of some particularly vicious school children. The children leave bottles of cider spiked with acid unattended on the village green and wait for the inevitably hilarious consequences. Local power monger and street drinker “Willy” was the latest hapless victim. Last Wednesday after only a mouthful of his free bounty he began to act even more strangely than usual. He gathered his drinking friends together on the green and spoke at length to them about the nature of belief and the importance of structure in society. This impromptu lecture ended with him performing some of his favourite sketches from the Morecambe and Wise Christmas special from 1975. Police told us yesterday “We officially think this is excellent and encourage any members of the public to spike unsuspecting street drinkers with class A drugs.” As of yesterday “Willy” was once again incomprehensible.
Shockwaves were sent through the very soul of Moseley last night by the news that Garment Giant Nebbeton were set to close their store. The love/hate relationship with local residents came to a head after the latest advertising campaign finally overstepped the mark. Local moral entrepreneurs, Mr. & Mrs. Thisismy-Sisterwife, led the tirade that has caused both the closure of the store with the loss of 6 jobs and the sacking of Nebbeton advertising guru, Giuliano Iamnotpaparazzo. sismy-Sisterwifes were outraged by the pictures that Iamnotpaparazzo had taken of local street drinkers for the clothing giant’s most recent and certainly most contreversial advertising campaign. The posters with the slogan, “Pissed as a fart” featured a number of village denizens in various states of intoxication, drinking cider out of traditional brown plastic bottles, on the village ‘green’. We asked the Mr. Thisismy-Sisterwife what the spark that lit the taper of their moral panic was? “I was watching the T.V. waiting for McGuyver to come on when one of those news fact programmes came on. It was all over the place, those so-called ‘advertisements’. Then I saw the poster with him on it… The man who had called Mrs. Thisismy-Sisterwife a quote unquote, furin bzzztud.” When we pushed him for an explanation, he went on to say, “Well, my wife and I were walking in the village when one of these so-called quote unquote people confronted us. “Willy”, I believe is the name that he goes by. I will not see anybody making […]
Pub phobia madness has struck Moseley again as the council raised concerns over a proposed purveyor of coffee and Kiddieporn. In spite of the fact that the proposals for an unnamed entrepreneur involve force feeding people carrot juice whilst they pay to be online, the council fears that this is a cunning new back door for a bar or pub to be opened in Moseley. Former backdoor men have included the man from Wetherspoons, who managed to force through alterations in planning permission from restaurant to pub status. We at the Eye feel that this is a veiled attempt by the council to achieve two goals. 1) stop the good people of Moseley from reading Eye On Moseley. 2) To deny Willy internet access. Sources close to the council confirmed our fears. “Man was Bryan Knott pissed when you made him into an asteroid!”, one council worker said. Another revealed a top secret memo had been put out to stop village drinkers from cluttering up cyberspace in the same way that they clutter up the green. The Eye says, “We won’t be denied by backdoor men or councillor’s, let us in.”
As Moseley once again becomes a bizarre mixture of TV stars and criminals a person of class and distinction is called for to lead us into the new year. That’s why Eye on Moseley is once again proud to announce the results of the “Most Powerful Person In Moseley” awards. Our select panel of judges has chosen ten local personalities that have shown particular social probity and general concern for their fellow men over the course of the last few months. Regular readers will remember that the last award was presented to no less a local personality than Nikki Burton who runs Victoria Wines. We are saddened to say Nikki did not win this time but in this season of goodwill it’s time to look to the future rather than banging on about the past (old people take note). The power top ten in this period are:- Bioux Bryan Knott Elaine “Pat” Kavanagh Martin Mullaney Mr Nima Mr Sai Mr Select And Save Nikki “Victoria” Wines Pete The Feet Willy As you can see there are some surprise additions this time round. Local knife man Martin Mullaney has made the rise from the Vauxhall Conference to the Premiership of power. His sterling works for the community have not gone unnnoticed. Mr Select And Save was an essential addition after the almost biblical extension to his previously crap shop. But let us not forget that for all those who get promoted there are those who get relegated. This time we have […]
A recent news story in the Eye highlighted the increasing inability of street drinkers to perform their limited duties correctly. The article pointed out, using the awesome power of statistics, that Moseley’s favourite sentient piss posts were slurring less, smelling better and generally failing to live up to their contractual obligations with the City Council. In order to halt the moral slide of our alchy friend, talks have been held with the aid of translator, Sir William of Fanshaw (Lord of Moseley Bog), and an amicable agreement has been reached. The City Council have responded to the street drinkers accusation’s of “…short sightedness…an inability to see the big picture” by instituting a new M.A course at Ice Cube Technical College, Highgate entitled “Alcohol: Ad-Hoc, Al-Fresco and Al-Dente”. Course lecturer and veteran fan.
The continuing controvesy surrounding Moseley’s newest pub has taken a sinister turn for the worst. The recent license hearing was heralded as a triumph of common sense by the moral majority of Moseley when magistrates refused the brewery permission to open a new pub. Much slapping of backs was to be heard around the leafy boulevards of Chantry Road and beyond as they congratulated themselves once again on preventing more fun. The announcement that Wetherspoons were to appeal against this decision was greeted with very different reactions. Certain sections of our community have decided that the time for discussions has come to an end and that a more direct form of action is needed. An anonymous group thought to be funded by Wetherspoons brewery and Libya are arming themselves in order to take back control of the village from those who generally seem to speak on our behalf. Local military experts from the Prince Of Wales maintain that if this escalation reamins unchecked there is a very real chance of a “balkans style” conflict occuring within South Birmingham. An insider told us “It’s not just the pub, though I like the idea of a no smoking bar and a wide selection of food, it’s the principle of the thing. As our first form of action we’re thinking of blowing Willy up. That’ll show ’em.” The prospect of randomly exploding street drinkers is likely to have a negative effect on Moseley’s essential tourist trade. When we contacted the Wetherspoons to find […]