Eye on Moseley

William “Willy” Geoghan was found dead yesterday by a friend at an address on Park Hill. His body is currently at the Coroner’s Office, awaiting official identification.

“Willy” or “Old Bill” as he was known locally had been walking the streets of Moseley for decades now, and whether you knew him by name or not, the smartly dressed old man with the white beard and ever present bottle of cider was a local figure of unparalleled position. His health had been declining rapidly recently since a fall last winter in which he broke his hip, but he refused to be indoors for more than the length of time it took to eat a meal or drink a cup of tea.

Although no saint, Willy was an affable old fellow, and we at Eye on Moseley would like to salute him and hope that he can rest in death in a way that he never could in life.

Scenes reminiscent of Vietnam came to Moseley this week when a large group of confused Americans ended up in the wrong place, once more. Bedecked in Hawaiian shirts and Bermuda shorts, these camera-toting freaks wandered round our tranquil country village on the hunt for Hampton Court. Bemused Moseley residents watched in disbelief as the tourists had there photo taken with Willy after a nameless japester pointed him out as William the Conqueror.

A more helpful resident, genuinely concerned for the well-being of our American cousins, pointed them in the direction of Palm Court, but the tourists were disappointed to see that it has since changed its name and is no longer associated with tropical plants.

Returning to the centre, the now angry Americans confronted Moseley denizens with post cards and guide books. “It was like a scene out of Platoon or something,” said cartoon-bodied, prostitute woman in an unusual outburst of clarity, “there was all these yanks everywhere and stuff, I was scared.”

The situation was finally resolved when quick thinking Big Issue Sales-tart, Hufty Bungle, directed the hapless Yankee-doodle dandies to Highbury Hall… “It was all I could do to get rid of them. They were ranting about red brick gatehouses, so I thought, “Highbury Hall.” Near as damn it anyway. Well, at least they left my patch; they were doing my sales no end of damage, with their chants of “We want some history.” Most peculiar it was too.”

As a result of this confusion, Moseley is currently petitioning the Home Office for the right to change the name of Molesey to anything we want, or failing that, to annex it and move it up to the gap between Moseley and Kings Heath, known as Queensbridge School – more news on this as we get it.

Local residents have once again been appalled by yet anther case of cider spiking. This cruel practice has become endemic in Moseley Village of recent times and is believed to be the work of some particularly vicious school children.

The children leave bottles of cider spiked with acid unattended on the village green and wait for the inevitably hilarious consequences. Local power monger and street drinker “Willy” was the latest hapless victim. Last Wednesday after only a mouthful of his free bounty he began to act even more strangely than usual. He gathered his drinking friends together on the green and spoke at length to them about the nature of belief and the importance of structure in society. This impromptu lecture ended with him performing some of his favourite sketches from the Morecambe and Wise Christmas special from 1975.

Police told us yesterday “We officially think this is excellent and encourage any members of the public to spike unsuspecting street drinkers with class A drugs.”

As of yesterday “Willy” was once again incomprehensible.

Shockwaves were sent through the very soul of Moseley last night by the news that Garment Giant Nebbeton were set to close their store. The love/hate relationship with local residents came to a head after the latest advertising campaign finally overstepped the mark. Local moral entrepreneurs, Mr. & Mrs. Thisismy-Sisterwife, led the tirade that has caused both the closure of the store with the loss of 6 jobs and the sacking of Nebbeton advertising guru, Giuliano Iamnotpaparazzo.

sismy-Sisterwifes were outraged by the pictures that Iamnotpaparazzo had taken of local street drinkers for the clothing giant’s most recent and certainly most contreversial advertising campaign. The posters with the slogan, “Pissed as a fart” featured a number of village denizens in various states of intoxication, drinking cider out of traditional brown plastic bottles, on the village ‘green’.

We asked the Mr. Thisismy-Sisterwife what the spark that lit the taper of their moral panic was? “I was watching the T.V. waiting for McGuyver to come on when one of those news fact programmes came on. It was all over the place, those so-called ‘advertisements’. Then I saw the poster with him on it… The man who had called Mrs. Thisismy-Sisterwife a quote unquote, furin bzzztud.” When we pushed him for an explanation, he went on to say, “Well, my wife and I were walking in the village when one of these so-called quote unquote people confronted us. “Willy”, I believe is the name that he goes by. I will not see anybody making a penny out of Mrs. Thisismy-Sisterwife’s anguish and heartache.” Hmmm…

Mr. Iamnotpaparazzo first shot to fame with his now infamous “Casualties of Love” campaign depicting clubbers leaving all-night revelry parties after mouth and nose binges of the so-called “love-drug”, Ecstasy (The chemical formerly known as 3, 4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine). He now faces a lengthy legal battle over allegations that he was merely meant to use the phrase, “Drunk as a skunk”, rather than the chosen, “Pissed as a fart”, in the campaign. Moseley State Prosecutor, Rt. Hon. St.John Featherstone-Haugh Q.C., said that it was a clear breach of the agreements signed between the Moseley State Prosecutor’s office and Mr. Iamnotpaparazzo to allow the filming of the local street drinkers. Mr. Featherstone-Haugh said, “It is a clear breach of the agreements, a clear breach of security and furthermore, it is simply not Cricket to behave in such a fashion. There is absolutely nothing in this for me you know.” When asked of there was any truth in the rumours that he would be standing as the Conservative candidate in the forthcoming general elections, he only replied, “Well, I am jolly flattered that you should ask that. Currently I have no plans to, but if my public should decide that I am the man for the job, then I’ll have to think about it seriously – but currently I have no plans to do so. Aside from that, this has nothing to do with this case.” The Eye says, “And Sven-Goran Eriksson is staying at Lazio until the end of the season.”