On Me Head Mate

4 08 2005


Every pub needs a gimick. The Goose has scum that fight for money, the Elizabeth of York has a crap sculpture and useless staff. In order to maintain it’s prestigous position as the only pub in Moseley that doesn’t look like it came out of a box, Pat Kavanagh’s was going to have to do something pretty radical

The decision to employ a headless barman has surprised many punters but it certainly seems to be packing them in. Though what started out as a largely irresponsible exercise in reanimation has had some very expensive consequences.

In a exclusive interview with the Kavanagh Corporations publicity department we were given an insight into how a largely local pub works. “At the end of last year we noticed our month on month growth was beginning to stagnate due to increased competition in the greater Moseley area. We realised our rivals were employing attention grabbing techniques to draw in trade so we commisioned our research and development team to develop something that would seize the people of Moseley’s imagination. Initial unsuccessful experiments resulted in a rabbit with a real baby’s arm and a builder that whistles show tunes. Both were obviously useless.”

A headless barman did, at first, seem like the answer to everything but the resultant breakages and his inability to deal with stairs has lead to whole project being cancelled. It is now thought that they will once again concentrate on the Monday night quiz.


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You’re All Fools

4 08 2005


The opening of the Elizabeth of York will finally see the conclusion of one of Moseley’s most controversial yet dull little episodes. The original plan to name the pub after one of Moseley’s most famous sons, J.R.R. Tolkein, appears now to have been nothing but a cunning ruse to make Moseley citizens drink more cheap beer.

The cruel reality is that Moseley residents were tickled pink when they saw plans to open a pub named after Mr Tolkein as it allowed us to believe we actually had something that looked a bit like culture. In fact the clever Mr Wetherspoon recognised how gullible we were all along.

We went to see Mr Wetherspoon and demanded an explanation for his duplicity, he told us “Oh you’re from Moseley are you? I’ve got a cow that shits gold you know. Do you want to buy it? Sorry I’ve heard how stupid you people are and you have to try don’t you?” And using the sort of tact that won over the Moseley Society he added, “Look, why do you Moseley people keep going on about fucking Tolkein all the time? You know he used to live in Hall Green don’t you? and to be honest it’s none of your business what I call my pub now fuck off out of my office.”

Eye on Moseley is not scared by such vulgarity and tried to point out to Mr Wetherspoon that the good people of Moseley might well boycott his pub. Unfortunately he didn’t seem to give a toss about this pointing out that people will come from miles around to drink cheap beer and more to the point they have been bussing in the scum from Northfield for nearly four months. You’ve seen the man who can’t keep his trousers on? The woman who always seem to have run out of money for her electricity, the one legged man. Now you know what they’re waiting for.


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New Sainsbury’s ‘Local’ Store To Wreck Village Life

4 08 2005


In an amazing U-turn the Chantry Road Chattering
Classes have decided to welcome, with open arms, yet another corporate development in Moseley village.
Moseley’s Community Development Trust has also decided to endorse the opening of the Sainsbury’s ‘local’ superstore, which many think will play a central role in the corporate takeover of Moseley. This U-turn has occurred despite the fact that both groups recently opposed the ‘Weatherspoons Pub’ development because of the undesirable effect that it would have on ‘village life’.

There have been accusations of simony and rumours that the Chantry Chattering Classes have sold the village down the river in a secret deal with supermarket giant Sainsbury’s. It has been suggested that this ‘secret deal’ is nothing more than a bland attempt to raise B13 property prices through tie-in’s with the supermarket giant’s nouveaux riche Jamie Oliver branding campaigns which are set to wreck ‘village life’ for the rest of Moseley’s inhabitants. One resident interviewed said “Give it a year and at this rate the Village’ll be like a Disney theme park.” It is also thought that the chattering classes are attracted to the idea of not having to bring
themselves down to the level of visiting King’s Heath
or Selly Oak in order to consume their favourite Jamie
Oliver endorsed products.

The mysterious closure of Vincent’s Fishy Fruit & Veg also highlights another disturbing effect that the supermarket giant will have on village life. No details were available at the time of going to press but one theory presents itself. This being that Vincent’s is in cahorts with the secret deal struck between the chattering classes and the new Sainsbury’s ‘local’ store, due to be opened in early 2003. Moseley residents should be warned that this will not be the last independent trader to be forced out of business by the corporate monster. Also threatened by the supermarket giant’s economies of scale are Nima Delicatessen, Sage Wholefoods, The Village Bakery, Pottery & Pieces, The Chemists.

Alongside Jamie Oliver endorsements Sainsbury’s are also renewing commitments to their ‘Buy Israeli’ campaign, which intends to increase the amount of fresh meat and vegetables sourced from Israeli armed fortresses built on land stolen from the Palestinians (commonly referred to as ‘settlements’). This campaign intends to demonstrate solidarity with the Israeli butchers and farmers currently trapped in their fortified compounds and living in constant fear of
‘terrorist’ reprisals for the 916 Palestinian civilians (203 of whom were under the age of 18) killed by Israeli forces during the period between 29th September 2000 and 22nd April 2002.

In response to these issues local crusties, anarcho-environmentalists, peace campaigners and bourgeois hippies have been planning a campaign to protest against globalisation and the corporate takeover of village life. At great personal risk your intrepid reporter has infiltrated the more radical elements of this campaign in order to uncover their sinister plans to bring ‘terror’ onto the streets of Moseley. Using the middle class do-gooders as a cover Moseley’s evil anarcho-crustie group plan to launch a string of graffiti attacks upon well known corporate chains. Using the Internet Moseley’s very own terrorist organisation has downloaded sensitive plans
on how to conduct such terror attacks. Needless to say all information garnered during the researching of
this article has been passed straight to Moseley
Police Station.


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Two Years On And Nothing’s Changed

4 08 2005


Eye on Moseley has now been working on the cutting edge of Moseley journalism for two years, trying to bring you generally accurate information almost after it happens. So, as a special treat, we have decided to bring you exactly the same story that we ran in our first issue.

The controversy surrounding the Wetherspoons pub has generally bored the tits off Moseley residents for two years, but the end might at last be in sight. Local magistrates recently granted the dull pub chain a license to open a pub in Moseley and that’s exactly what they are going to do. Sources close to the law told us that this hastily taken decision had nothing to do with the normal considerations in granting a license, but was purely designed to piss off the Moseley Society and hopefully stop their plaintive whinging.

We spoke to the local Wetherspoons “Don” who told us, “We’re glad you all saw sense in the end it would have been a shame to have start breaking peoples legs. It’s going to be a total bonus to the area and will hopefully provide a place for the more mature customers to get into pissed up fights.”

The decision is thought to have thrown the Moseley Society into turmoil. The Wetherspoons fight had been their sole focus since the last century and they now regard themselves much like a discarded trainer on top of a bus shelter. We understand they now intend to re-group and use their uniformed lap dogs to persecute the homeless. An anonymous insider told us yesterday “What they’ve got to learn is that we’re the law in Moseley and if you haven’t got a house then you better watch out.”

It’s good to see that nothing ever seems to change round here.


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Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


Oi Oi Moseley,
Long time no communicate. You may or may not have noticed that there has been no Eye On Moseley for some time now. That’s because we sold each and every last one of our readers e-mail addresses to large multi-national companies and fucked off on holiday on the proceeds. Only joking. Eye On Moseley is a strictly non-profit organisation which is why it only comes out when we can be bothered. Anyway…enough with the excuses and on with the comedy fun.

Or not.

I fear if I make my column (snigger snigger ) too much fun, it may break strict new anti-fun laws recently instigated by the shadowy council of elders who run Moseley. Hold on, you may be thinking, what the fuck are you talking about ? I only read this cruddy column (tee hee) to indulge my sociopathic and fascistic whims…so stop wittering and start bittering (you may be thinking). Well here’s what I mean.The place we live (Moseley) is controlled in no small way by a couple of different bodies of people, namely :

Moseley Park and Pool Society
The Moseley Forum
The Moseley Society
Moseley and District Churches Housing Association

These people are responsible for such things as stopping the Wetherspoons pub being opened, they are responsible for those horrible new “Welcome to Moseley : Officially Endorsed By Nicholas George” signs, they’re responsible for the $250,000 waste of space that is called the Village Green and last but by no means least they’re responsible for there being no music at the festival this year. That’s the one that’s really pissed me off. Basically what’s happened is that the Park and Pool people refused to convene a meeting to decide whether the festival should be allowed to go ahead, until some time in August, when it would have been too late to organise everything. This is due (apparently) to some curmudgeonly motherfuckers on Salisbury and Chantry Road (big surprise ) complaining about last years festival. The number of complaints is rumoured to be something in the order of three or four. For a festival attended by something like 1500 people, I would have thought that three or four complaints could quite reasonably be ignored or the offending wankers could be placated somehow. But apparently not. So now we get some sort of “family fun day”. I don’t have a fucking family so why the fuck would I want to go ? I somehow sense that this is the desired effect of this ruling. To keep people like me nicely out of the way, while all the beardy conservatives and their inbred spawn have their faces painted and buy yoghurt crisps.

To be honest, I absolutely hated all the music at all the festivals I went to. But that isn’t the point. It was a great focal point for Moseley, and if someone as anti-community as myself thinks that then I can’t be the only one who believes that. And as poor as some of the entertainment was (remember those performing arts people last year who did their modern dance routine…bless them) everyone I know always had an ace time at the festival. So, you may ask, what the fuck am I meant to do about it ? Do you want to do a petition ? Firebomb Chantry Road tennis club again ? Self-immolate at the “Fucking Family Fun Day” ? Yes. I personally would love to see all of those things happen, but I can’t actually endorse it officially. I just think that people should be aware that their fun is being restricted at a level they probably don’t even know exists.

Saying that, Eye On Moseley will be running some sort of high profile publicity stunt on the day, so if you spot us, why not join us in whatever it is were doing. Probably drinking heavily. Oh and why not join the Moseley e-mail list. It’s desperately boring most of the time, but a good source of information.

( Simon does not endorse seriousness. Next month there will be jokes about wanking. )


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Access Denied

4 08 2005


Pub phobia madness has struck Moseley again as the council raised concerns over a proposed purveyor of coffee and Kiddieporn. In spite of the fact that the proposals for an unnamed entrepreneur involve force feeding people carrot juice whilst they pay to be online, the council fears that this is a cunning new back door for a bar or pub to be opened in Moseley. Former backdoor men have included the man from Wetherspoons, who managed to force through alterations in planning permission from restaurant to pub status.

We at the Eye feel that this is a veiled attempt by the council to achieve two goals. 1) stop the good people of Moseley from reading Eye On Moseley. 2) To deny Willy internet access.

Sources close to the council confirmed our fears. “Man was Bryan Knott pissed when you made him into an asteroid!”, one council worker said. Another revealed a top secret memo had been put out to stop village drinkers from cluttering up cyberspace in the same way that they clutter up the green. The Eye says, “We won’t be denied by backdoor men or councillor’s, let us in.”


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The War Begins

4 08 2005


The continuing controvesy surrounding Moseley’s newest pub has taken a sinister turn for the worst. The recent license hearing was heralded as a triumph of common sense by the moral majority of Moseley when magistrates refused the brewery permission to open a new pub. Much slapping of backs was to be heard around the leafy boulevards of Chantry Road and beyond as they congratulated themselves once again on preventing more fun.

The announcement that Wetherspoons were to appeal against this decision was greeted with very different reactions. Certain sections of our community have decided that the time for discussions has come to an end and that a more direct form of action is needed. An anonymous group thought to be funded by Wetherspoons brewery and Libya are arming themselves in order to take back control of the village from those who generally seem to speak on our behalf. Local military experts from the Prince Of Wales maintain that if this escalation reamins unchecked there is a very real chance of a “balkans style” conflict occuring within South Birmingham.

An insider told us “It’s not just the pub, though I like the idea of a no smoking bar and a wide selection of food, it’s the principle of the thing. As our first form of action we’re thinking of blowing Willy up. That’ll show ‘em.” The prospect of randomly exploding street drinkers is likely to have a negative effect on Moseley’s essential tourist trade.

When we contacted the Wetherspoons to find out their feelings on such drastic action the regional manager told us “It’s about time they realised who they’re fucking with. We’ve been very nice until now. There were only 800 names on that petition, I think we might visit those people and have a chat with them about modern licensed retailing. They didn’t want a pub in Harborne you know? At first anyway.” We left him lovingly polishing a rather battered base ball bat.


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Make Mine A Guiness

4 08 2005


We’re going to get a new pub. Wetherspoons brewery intend to convert, the now closed Gascoignes into a throbbing entertainment zone. To many of us this sounds like a breath of fresh air after the constant rumblings of the self appointed moral majority.

Surely anything that provides jobs for people can’t be a bad thing. Let us remember that an empty shop is no good for anyone round here. It would be ideal if new businesses were run by local people and the money all went back into the local economy. Instead of blindly insisting that no more pubs or bars are allowed to open, why don’t we see if we can work with local traders to manage the situation?


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