That’s Ent-ertainment

5 08 2005


To the sane and well balanced residents of Moseley it might sound like the stuff of fantasy but the great and good are actually intending to build a twenty five foot tall stainless steel representation of a talking tree. Moseley’s relationship with literary legend J R R Tolkein has been something that all residents have cherished for many years and now it looks like we are set to get a fitting tribute.

Currently our only method of remembering the great man is to sit on a bench whilst old men regale you with tales of how the young Tolkein used to suck sweets whilst dodging service in the Crimea. The inherent problem with this system of historical recording is that old men die and you generally can’t believe a word they say anyway. We need a better way.

In order to address this tricky problem the greatest minds of Moseley set themselves to consider all the facts :-

1) The people of Moseley have money to burn
2) Tim Tolkein (Sculptor to the stars) doesn’t have much on at the moment
3) People like trees
4) People like metal
5) People like metal trees

The only rational conclusion was to build a massive metal tree in the centre of Moseley.

The benefits to the people of Moseley will be incalculable. For example the projected increase in tourism will result in an economic explosion. It is a known fact that tourists like metal trees even more than Moseley residents and they will come from all corners of the globe to gawp with slack jawed amazement at our metal working skills. Some might stay long enough to pop into Sai news to buy a paper or even get some oven cleaner from Kwik Save. It will also prove of benefit to Cinephilia who could rent out copies of Peter Jackson’s epic trilogy so people can see what talking trees look like in their natural habitat.

Only a fool would underestimate the educational benefits of such a scheme. Through developing a massive tree we could eventually encourage the literary impoverished youth of Moseley to read the longest book in history that forgot to involve any women.

Eye on Moseley was initially sceptical of this crazy idea but having searched deep in it’s soul is now enthusiastic about the entire concept. Though having said that is twenty five foot really big enough? For an area with the aspirations of Moseley shouldn’t it be fifty foot? Or even a hundred? Moseley will only get the recognition it deserves once we have a metal tree that can be seen from space.


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You’re All Fools

4 08 2005


The opening of the Elizabeth of York will finally see the conclusion of one of Moseley’s most controversial yet dull little episodes. The original plan to name the pub after one of Moseley’s most famous sons, J.R.R. Tolkein, appears now to have been nothing but a cunning ruse to make Moseley citizens drink more cheap beer.

The cruel reality is that Moseley residents were tickled pink when they saw plans to open a pub named after Mr Tolkein as it allowed us to believe we actually had something that looked a bit like culture. In fact the clever Mr Wetherspoon recognised how gullible we were all along.

We went to see Mr Wetherspoon and demanded an explanation for his duplicity, he told us “Oh you’re from Moseley are you? I’ve got a cow that shits gold you know. Do you want to buy it? Sorry I’ve heard how stupid you people are and you have to try don’t you?” And using the sort of tact that won over the Moseley Society he added, “Look, why do you Moseley people keep going on about fucking Tolkein all the time? You know he used to live in Hall Green don’t you? and to be honest it’s none of your business what I call my pub now fuck off out of my office.”

Eye on Moseley is not scared by such vulgarity and tried to point out to Mr Wetherspoon that the good people of Moseley might well boycott his pub. Unfortunately he didn’t seem to give a toss about this pointing out that people will come from miles around to drink cheap beer and more to the point they have been bussing in the scum from Northfield for nearly four months. You’ve seen the man who can’t keep his trousers on? The woman who always seem to have run out of money for her electricity, the one legged man. Now you know what they’re waiting for.


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Two Years On And Nothing’s Changed

4 08 2005


Eye on Moseley has now been working on the cutting edge of Moseley journalism for two years, trying to bring you generally accurate information almost after it happens. So, as a special treat, we have decided to bring you exactly the same story that we ran in our first issue.

The controversy surrounding the Wetherspoons pub has generally bored the tits off Moseley residents for two years, but the end might at last be in sight. Local magistrates recently granted the dull pub chain a license to open a pub in Moseley and that’s exactly what they are going to do. Sources close to the law told us that this hastily taken decision had nothing to do with the normal considerations in granting a license, but was purely designed to piss off the Moseley Society and hopefully stop their plaintive whinging.

We spoke to the local Wetherspoons “Don” who told us, “We’re glad you all saw sense in the end it would have been a shame to have start breaking peoples legs. It’s going to be a total bonus to the area and will hopefully provide a place for the more mature customers to get into pissed up fights.”

The decision is thought to have thrown the Moseley Society into turmoil. The Wetherspoons fight had been their sole focus since the last century and they now regard themselves much like a discarded trainer on top of a bus shelter. We understand they now intend to re-group and use their uniformed lap dogs to persecute the homeless. An anonymous insider told us yesterday “What they’ve got to learn is that we’re the law in Moseley and if you haven’t got a house then you better watch out.”

It’s good to see that nothing ever seems to change round here.


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Oooh Me Ring

4 08 2005


Ring related references rarely get associated with Moseley, unless you count the Jewel in the Crowns notorious “Fire starter” curry, but things look set to change later this week. The imminent release of the Lord of the Rings could see an unexpected (or depending on the way you look at it, expected) rise in so-called “Tolkien Tourists”. It is predicted that after the release of the film, masses of Tolkien fans will flock to Moseley to experience first hand the sights and smells that inspired this seminal classic.

Although Moseley has changed since Tolkien’s youth many things have remained the same. The Crafty Jungle (where Tolkien bought all of his Indonesian bookends) has already announced that it will be holding a special Middle Earth sale of unrelated memorabilia through out the spring.

In many ways it is exactly the things that have not changed that will strike a chord with our new visitors. A representative of the Tolkien estate might have told us “I feel grandfather would be particularly bemused by the fact that Moneywise has still not shut down. I remember looking forward to our trips to the village where he would let us fill our pockets with as many fancy goods and batteries as you could buy for sixpence.”

As with anything that occurs in our unspoilt village the news of a sudden economic boom has not been met with unanimous acclaim. We understand that certain elements of Moseley have initiated plans to hunt down Tolkien Tourists and poke them with sticks. In a secret memorandum that fell into our hands we discovered “Tolkien Tourists can easily be identified by their sallow, sweaty complexions and somewhat hunched poses, they are not to be confused with Harry Potter related tourist who look very similar but wear pointy hats and have no chins.” Quite why fans of Harry Potter should visit Moseley is left chillingly unclear.

This resistance to tourists is said to stem from this years earlier fight against the JRR Tolkien pub which would have brought much unwanted business and jobs into the area.


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Moseley “a bit shit” Shock

4 08 2005


Moseley was brought to it’s knees weeping after the release of a classified Birmingham University paper that claimed Moseley is in fact “a bit shit”. The Sociology department had been commissioned to write a report on Economic Growth within the West Midlands Conurbation. The study took place over the course of three years and examined key indicators in set areas within the West Midlands. Moseley was considered a pivotal area to examine.

The study found that Moseley is not the bustling interracial melting pot that we had all come to believe, but is in fact a largely white, largely middle class extension to Kings Heath where house prices are unrealistically high. The cause for this misunderstanding has been put down to the fact that residents of Moseley spend so much time wrapped up in the belief that they live in the best place in the world that they haven’t noticed what the rest of the world is up to.

Eye on Moseley constantly crusading to maintain the belief that Moseley is “special” decided to challenge the studies findings. We approached the authors and asked them to justify their ridiculous assertions. Dr J Bland of the Sociology Department agreed to meet us and explain his controversial standpoint. We presented him with a copy of the recent Birmingham Post article that claimed Moseley is in fact the new Notting Hill or Greenwich Village. Stifling a laugh he said “Well I suppose they are a bit similar, Notting Hill has a carnival that a million people a year go to and Moseley has a…… What’s that thing that’s a bit like a car boot sale in the summer? Oh yes the Moseley festival.” He added “Greenwich Village on the other hand that’s a different matter, that’s where Bob Dylan was discovered and spawned the birth of the beat generation, in many ways I see the rise of Ocean Colour Scene being very similar. Oh no, sorry I’m taking the piss.”

We believe this study can only be considered a complete travesty of education. Whilst other places may encourage growth of art and culture they are unlikely to generate the levels of passion that were recently seen when Weatherspoons were going to open a new pub. Oh yeah and did you know JRR Tolkien used to live here?


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