Everyone knows that Moseley is the friendliest place in Birmingham. And local residents are proving just how friendly they can be by going that extra mile for our homeless chums. A local doorway belonging to some of our more upstanding citizens, which has long been a haunt for our favourite scrag ends of humanity, has recently improved it’s services in a rush of Christmas spirit. The doorway, conveniently situated just off Moseley High St., has long been a “Welcome Break” for tramps and nutters, providing privacy and shelter so that the less fortunate can shit and piss in the utmost comfort. Although the standards of this impromptu toilet are probably higher than the public toilets available, an extra Christmas touch has been added. Regular users of these “conveniences” were delighted to find that Santa had come early, leaving a bottle of cheap vodka and a “Readers Wives” section for “customers” to peruse. Now, as well as finding piss and shit streaking their front doorway, the delighted residents can “cum” downstairs to find tramp spunk all over their door-handle. The lucky bastards.
As your local news source, updated minute by minute, we try our best to shield you, the inhabitants of our fair community, from the evils of this modern world. We at the Eye humbly consider ourselves to be the Gandalfs to your hobbit… and as such we feel it necessary to warn you of a clear and present danger to the way we live our lives. Gypsies, tramps and thieves. Crazies, street-drinkers and so called “care in the community” types. All of these people have flourished in our little community for may years, principally due to the vast grey area which separates the normal from the abnormal. Our friendly tolerance of these aberrant individuals has slowly but surely been transmuted into carelessness however, and now we are threatened by a… er… threat as real and powerful as the Death Star. An anonymous package arrived at our offices containing glossy brochures, the like of which we hoped never to see. Publications such as “Tramps Away!”, “IQ 18-30” and “Piss Up A Different Alley…” advertising holidays to Moseley for down and outs who want to live a slightly better class of life for a couple of weeks. Local luminaries such Willy, the man who sounds like he’s trying to cough up his own scrotum and “Electric Token” woman are all featured. They discuss in depth how easy life in Moseley can be thanks to the “addled minds of those gullible fucking hippies”. Accomodation is offered ranging from “One to Three Stains” and […]
A recent news story in the Eye highlighted the increasing inability of street drinkers to perform their limited duties correctly. The article pointed out, using the awesome power of statistics, that Moseley’s favourite sentient piss posts were slurring less, smelling better and generally failing to live up to their contractual obligations with the City Council. In order to halt the moral slide of our alchy friend, talks have been held with the aid of translator, Sir William of Fanshaw (Lord of Moseley Bog), and an amicable agreement has been reached. The City Council have responded to the street drinkers accusation’s of “…short sightedness…an inability to see the big picture” by instituting a new M.A course at Ice Cube Technical College, Highgate entitled “Alcohol: Ad-Hoc, Al-Fresco and Al-Dente”. Course lecturer and veteran fan.
The standard of street-drinking has slipped to an all time low in Moseley recently. Our resident alcoholics are looking less like your average wino, and more and more dapper, becoming more lucid than ever. Gone are the days of bus-stopping, fist-waving, red-faced lunatics, stalking our high streets. A new breed of sozzled urban crazy has made the leap to the 21st century. Not content with the odd ten pence and bewildering grunted conversations, now they want twenty pounds for a nice bottle of Chardonnay. And they appear to have taken elocution lessons too. If they’ve made the effort, shouldn’t we ?
Inflation has struck Moseley in the last week and left the High Street looking like a scene from 1920’s Germany. The first indications that the Moseley fiscal policy is out of control were noticed when the new edition of “B13 Magazine” hit the newsagents. The previously good value publication has increased it’s cover price from 30p to a massive 50p showing an increase in real terms of 20p. This move was apparently prompted by the worrying world paper shortage. Sources reporting to our financial desk have made us aware that this is not the complete story. The sudden price rises seen across Moseley are in fact the implementation of a council sponsored gentrification policy for Moseley. In a leaked document prepared for the council we discovered the council wish to “keep Moseley for local people but at the same time get a better class of local people.” Further indications can be seen in the newly proposed bye law for banning drinking on the village green :- Article 7.A.1 The consumption of alcohol within the area defined as the “Village Green” shall be prohibited, subject to penalty, unless parties are in possession of a cheeky Chianti or a soft, fruity Chardonnay These measures will hopefully deter all but the most discerning street drinkers. This further information does prompt the question of where the extra money is going once it leaves our pockets. An insider from the council told us “They have formed a regional development agency for the Balsall Heath area […]
Moseley was brought to a sudden and grinding halt on Tuesday by a deadly snow fall. One eye witness said “It was like it was falling from the sky.” Many people have wondered why we were singled out for this, the most bizarre of weather conditions. One theory proposes that the freak weather is linked to the closure of had a good thing going there.” Somewhat weirdly God is not happy that Moseley did not embrace this home of good honest Christian cooking. What is already being dubbed by local residents as the snow plague is set to be only the beginning of a season of mischeif by the almighty. Come Summer we can expect a plague of street drinkers wielding bottles of Cider. A local vicar told us “Only he knows what will happen after that, though I can assure you the Mosleley festival is going to be a right laugh.” He also added with a wink “Do you like frogs?” Local residents were in panic yesterday when they realised that supplies of lentils were getting dangerously low. Though by Wednesday morning all the snow had melted and we began to wonder what everyone was worrying about. In unconnected news God fearing Harborne had temperatures in the eighties after the news that a new Christian based youth theatre was to open.