We’ve all walked through the park on a sunny day, past the crowds of ganja smoking youngsters, and upon seeing a squirrel or bird thought “Aaaaah.”. Indeed most of us would probably think that having an abundance of animal and bird life would be a blessing,but wait…some regard these creatures with a much more critical and suspicious eye. Members of the Chantry Road Mafia and the Sandford Road Massive are tonight meeting to diuscuss the issue of non-payment of park subscription fees by wildlife. A spokesperson explained : “Some would say that the birds and things have a inarguable right to be in the park, as it is their home, and we agree.We also believe that the park would not be the same place if we were forced to remove all wildlife.However, the park requires funds and these creatures are the greatest users of the park, and the only contingent of Moseley society allowed in “gratis”. They are also the ones who cause most damage and mess, and all the beasts in the park refuse to clean up their own excrement, even though bags are provided. As a result, John the groundsman will be given the additional role of collecting subscriptions from all the inhabitants.” We questioned John the groundsman on whether or not this ruling would be enforceable and he said : “Absolutely yes. I have been working on a number of projects in my little shed, which will enable me to police the park in an effective manner. […]
Moseley. Moseley, Moseley, Moseley. What’s wrong with you? We’ve given you more pubs than you can shake a stick at. Different types of pubs, with different types of drink. Of varying strengths. We’ve given you a plentiful supply of outsiders (as defined by the CRM and SRM ), who’ve invaded our territory. We’ve given you women…more women than you could ever hope to get through. Women with and without partners. We’ve given you loud music and muggy nights . Long summer days with nothing to do but drink and get sunstroke. We’ve given you everything. And will you fight? Will you fuck. Everything I’ve just mentioned is a perfect reason to have a fight. Your mate has seen the same bird as you? At the same time? Punch the fucker. You know he wants to do the same to you. Barman serving everyone else before you? Smack him. I shouldn’t have to give you tips though Moseley. The urge to fight should come as naturally as laughter. But in case any of you are having any trouble… The people at Seeker’s estate agents…I heard the Kwik-Save crew calling you a cranky mass of foreign nose pickings. And Druckers posse…I heard the Crafty Jungle boys say you wank over pictures of dogs. Oh and apparently, Wednesday night at the Bull’s Head is “Rubber and Rimming” night according to what I heard at The Jug of Ale. Allegedly. (Simon recommends that if you are going to glass someone with a pint glass, […]
The continued tensions between the Sandford Road Massive and the Chantry Road Mafia recently resulted in more violence in central Moseley. The two groups have harboured mutual resentment since early April when the Sandford Road Massive began tearing up and down Chantry Road on skateboards taunting local residents large houses. A Chantry Road resident told us “It’s juvenile, we know we’ve got big houses, there’s no need to rub it in.” Matters escalated shortly before the Moseley festival. Sandford Road resident John Sunday was sitting on the village green with some friends when he was set upon by the Chantry Road Mafia. He told us “I was minding my own business when these people started dissing my bitch. I don’t stand for that.” The resulting clash with machetes left three residents in hospital and a large cleaning bill for Birmingham City Council. Emergency measures were taken to clean the blood from the streets. Council officials told us “With the festival imminent steps had to be taken. We realised the eyes of the world would be on Moseley over the bank holiday weekend and we couldn’t let extreme acts of violence deter the crowds.” In a sickening revenge attack the Sandford Road Massive attempted to “torch” the Chantry Road tennis club on the morning of the festival. A representative of the Massive told us “They’re so smug with their tennis club and they’re whiter than white….er whites. It’s time they felt the cold hand of vengeance.” The inferno was swiftly put […]
Reports have recently begun to arrive that our friendly local delicatessen has an unlikely crisis brewing. As everyone knows, Mr Nima is a model of efficiency and good manners. There is a reason for this. The original Mr. Nima was replaced in 1992 after he accidentally short-changed a customer and then punched him violently in the face for arguing about it. The Sandford Road Massive(SRM) and The Chantry Road Mafia(CRM) had consultations and decided that a sort of cross between Yul Brynner (in Westworld) and Ian Holm (in Alien) would provide the best service. They utilised the extreme vegan robotic scientists of the Sage Trust for Vegetarian Control of the Universe and created the new Mr.Nima. He was designed to run without maintenance for hundreds of years, however things have gone awry. Over-exposure to the moisture of the cheese counter has warped his computer brain and in a scene reminiscent of Ian Holm’s total spasmodic breakdown in “Alien”, he is due to go critical in mid-July. The irony will not escape this intrepid reporter as he watches Mr.Nima stuff the CRM and SRM’s orifice with selected cooked meats and exotic fancy goods.
A resident of the Sandford Rd. massive was left dead today, after he fell into a hole and was blown up. It is believed the man fell through a hole in in his kitchen floor, onto a butterfly mine. Relatives found his body in the hallway, kitchen and dining room. Police were called into investigate the area, and 6 officers were lost to a variety of satchel charges, anti-personnel mines and other booby-traps. Experts were baffled, until a local man who had been in the Vietnam war identified the hole as being part of a tunnel system, as used by the Viet-Cong. A police spokesman said, “It is believed that a fifth column exists in Moseley, which is operating hand in hand with a King’s Heath invasion force.We were lucky to find out in time. Steps have been taken.”