In an amazing U-turn the Chantry Road Chattering
Classes have decided to welcome, with open arms, yet another corporate development in Moseley village.
Moseley’s Community Development Trust has also decided to endorse the opening of the Sainsbury’s ‘local’ superstore, which many think will play a central role in the corporate takeover of Moseley. This U-turn has occurred despite the fact that both groups recently opposed the ‘Weatherspoons Pub’ development because of the undesirable effect that it would have on ‘village life’.
There have been accusations of simony and rumours that the Chantry Chattering Classes have sold the village down the river in a secret deal with supermarket giant Sainsbury’s. It has been suggested that this ‘secret deal’ is nothing more than a bland attempt to raise B13 property prices through tie-in’s with the supermarket giant’s nouveaux riche Jamie Oliver branding campaigns which are set to wreck ‘village life’ for the rest of Moseley’s inhabitants. One resident interviewed said “Give it a year and at this rate the Village’ll be like a Disney theme park.” It is also thought that the chattering classes are attracted to the idea of not having to bring
themselves down to the level of visiting King’s Heath
or Selly Oak in order to consume their favourite Jamie
Oliver endorsed products.
The mysterious closure of Vincent’s Fishy Fruit & Veg also highlights another disturbing effect that the supermarket giant will have on village life. No details were available at the time of going to press but one theory presents itself. This being that Vincent’s is in cahorts with the secret deal struck between the chattering classes and the new Sainsbury’s ‘local’ store, due to be opened in early 2003. Moseley residents should be warned that this will not be the last independent trader to be forced out of business by the corporate monster. Also threatened by the supermarket giant’s economies of scale are Nima Delicatessen, Sage Wholefoods, The Village Bakery, Pottery & Pieces, The Chemists.
Alongside Jamie Oliver endorsements Sainsbury’s are also renewing commitments to their ‘Buy Israeli’ campaign, which intends to increase the amount of fresh meat and vegetables sourced from Israeli armed fortresses built on land stolen from the Palestinians (commonly referred to as ‘settlements’). This campaign intends to demonstrate solidarity with the Israeli butchers and farmers currently trapped in their fortified compounds and living in constant fear of
‘terrorist’ reprisals for the 916 Palestinian civilians (203 of whom were under the age of 18) killed by Israeli forces during the period between 29th September 2000 and 22nd April 2002.
In response to these issues local crusties, anarcho-environmentalists, peace campaigners and bourgeois hippies have been planning a campaign to protest against globalisation and the corporate takeover of village life. At great personal risk your intrepid reporter has infiltrated the more radical elements of this campaign in order to uncover their sinister plans to bring ‘terror’ onto the streets of Moseley. Using the middle class do-gooders as a cover Moseley’s evil anarcho-crustie group plan to launch a string of graffiti attacks upon well known corporate chains. Using the Internet Moseley’s very own terrorist organisation has downloaded sensitive plans
on how to conduct such terror attacks. Needless to say all information garnered during the researching of
this article has been passed straight to Moseley
Police Station.
