Anonymous labourers are digging themselves a hole that they will be very lucky to get out of in Moseley Park. These foolish workmen are at work on an as yet unidentified project in a spooky, dis-used corner of the Park. What they don’t know yet is that the area remains unused and cordoned off because it is an ancient Vegan burial ground, used by members of the Sage Co-operative and blessed by the shamen at Zen. Disturbing the bones of these ancient founders of Moseley is likely to bring a great cloud over Moseley and the dead will possibly rise and shamble round,maybe buying new clothes from the “new look” (…snigger…) Kwik Save. Whether or not anyone will notice this in mind of the recent tide of depraved scum filling the village, we don’t know, but we fear the worst. We asked Zen for comment and they said “…have you tried imbibing your own micturation, it’s very good for you and completely free…”, whilst Sage asked us if we’d “…tried an organic flapjack…”.
In an amazing U-turn the Chantry Road Chattering Classes have decided to welcome, with open arms, yet another corporate development in Moseley village. Moseley’s Community Development Trust has also decided to endorse the opening of the Sainsbury’s ‘local’ superstore, which many think will play a central role in the corporate takeover of Moseley. This U-turn has occurred despite the fact that both groups recently opposed the ‘Weatherspoons Pub’ development because of the undesirable effect that it would have on ‘village life’. There have been accusations of simony and rumours that the Chantry Chattering Classes have sold the village down the river in a secret deal with supermarket giant Sainsbury’s. It has been suggested that this ‘secret deal’ is nothing more than a bland attempt to raise B13 property prices through tie-in’s with the supermarket giant’s nouveaux riche Jamie Oliver branding campaigns which are set to wreck ‘village life’ for the rest of Moseley’s inhabitants. One resident interviewed said “Give it a year and at this rate the Village’ll be like a Disney theme park.” It is also thought that the chattering classes are attracted to the idea of not having to bring themselves down to the level of visiting King’s Heath or Selly Oak in order to consume their favourite Jamie Oliver endorsed products. The mysterious closure of Vincent’s Fishy Fruit & Veg also highlights another disturbing effect that the supermarket giant will have on village life. No details were available at the time of going to press but one […]
Guess what I saw the other day. Go on, guess. A lovely big jay. I think it was a jay anyway. Lovely blue tail. I don’t know if I was more pleased about seeing that little fella, or about those cheeky squirrels who scamper about in my rooftop garden, with little bits of toast in their gobs. Oh how they make me chuckle. But I always feel on the verge of a big belly laugh nowadays, dont you ? It’s difficult to see how things could could get any better somedays, when it’s sunny and the lovely smooth thigh’s of nature are wrapped around everyone’s faces. Isn’t it nice to just be able to take a midnight stroll through the park, with your faithful bitch by your side, without worrying about the cold? And isn’t it nice to be able to throw a bit of a barbecue and just…chat? No. All my fucking hair’s falling out, I’m getting fucking sucked dry by fleas and in my tossy fucking rooftop garden it gets too hot to walk on the bloody ground. And no-one makes fucking flip-flops for cats, do they? Summer? It doesn’t take a genius to work out that it’s shit, and I say fuck it. and anyone who doesn’t like it, FUCK YOU. (By the way, there are flip-flops available for cats with feet of all sizes. Available in Sage and both Zen’s, these comfy wheat-based pet shoes are both edible and vegan friendly).
Reports have recently begun to arrive that our friendly local delicatessen has an unlikely crisis brewing. As everyone knows, Mr Nima is a model of efficiency and good manners. There is a reason for this. The original Mr. Nima was replaced in 1992 after he accidentally short-changed a customer and then punched him violently in the face for arguing about it. The Sandford Road Massive(SRM) and The Chantry Road Mafia(CRM) had consultations and decided that a sort of cross between Yul Brynner (in Westworld) and Ian Holm (in Alien) would provide the best service. They utilised the extreme vegan robotic scientists of the Sage Trust for Vegetarian Control of the Universe and created the new Mr.Nima. He was designed to run without maintenance for hundreds of years, however things have gone awry. Over-exposure to the moisture of the cheese counter has warped his computer brain and in a scene reminiscent of Ian Holm’s total spasmodic breakdown in “Alien”, he is due to go critical in mid-July. The irony will not escape this intrepid reporter as he watches Mr.Nima stuff the CRM and SRM’s orifice with selected cooked meats and exotic fancy goods.