Break His Face

4 08 2005


The sight of two people beating seven shades of shit out of each other is not unusual in the Prince of Wales but it appears the ritual violence is about to take a more organised form. A new move by the landlord is likely to see the institution of the worlds premier no-holds fighting competition in our homely little suburb. A recent campaign by Birmingham rag, The Evening Mail, has left Ultimate Fighting looking for a new location. The Prince of Wales saw the opportunity and was eager to step into the fray.

A representative of the Prince Of Wales told us yesterday “What is the Prince of Wales known for? I’ll tell you. It’s got the only decent beer garden and you have to be hard as nails to drink in here. At a recent board meeting we discussed these issues and reached the only natural conclusion. This summer we will erect a cage and look forward to a decent ding-dong on the cobbles, as it were.”

Worldwide interest has been startling, with the Gracie family already committing themselves to sending a representative to demonstrate their own peculiar style of Brazilian grappling. Invitations to prove their worth have been sent to community leaders but unfortunately Mr Nima was quickly ruled out as his mechanical nature was deemed to provide him with an unfair advantage.

For no apparent reason we asked Councillor Kennedy for comments on this most unusual of moves. He told us “Most people respect Royce Gracie for his understated use of Jujitsu and Aikido but at the end of day I think he’s just a pussy. I’m a Shamrock man. Ken will uses all means available to win, no motherfucker would block his back passage, I like that.”

Eye on Moseley says “Get in there and finish him.”


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Little House On The Prairie

4 08 2005


With the advent of the new Alcohol Free Zone in downtown Moseley we are all set to lead more fulfilling lives (if a little more sober). Though this irresponsible legislation could have spelt doom for everyones favourite streetdrinker.

Willie has been quitely drunk on the Village Green since before accurate records began; this era almost came to a shocking end. His cheery cry of “Hello, have you got any money?” has greeted Moseley shoppers as they go about their business for many years. In many ways this has become a foundation of all of our lives.

Based on Willies’ utter incomprehension of what is going on in our world it would have been unlikely that he could grasp the subtleties of the new anti-street drinker legislation. As a result the police were expecting to arrest him most days as he goes about his evil business. That is until local the local traders association stepped into to preserve this most vital of local institutions.

A representative of the traders association told us this morning “A Moseley without Willie is a Moseley that none of us want to live in. Let’s face it he’s never done anyone any harm, except the owner of Bistro Lyonaise who he punched in the face, but it’s hardly a crime is it? A bunch of us decided that the only way to help him was to build what can only be called a Wendy House in the centre of the Village Green.”

This novel approach means that he can sit quietly in his little house and circumvent the draconian punishment that would undoubtedly have been metered out to him.

Another consequence of the Alcohol Free Zone is also due to have an impact on another of Moseley’s treasured institutions. Since time immemorial Moseley citizens have become used to gangs of unruly social workers and teachers mucking about outside of the Prince of Wales.

The new legislation prohibits the consumption of alcohol within 330 meters of the Village Green. Through a bizarre twist of fate and measurement this distance goes exactly up to the front door of the Prince of Wales. This has caused the strange situation where a drunken Geography Teacher could stagger to the left and become an instant criminal (no doubt losing both their job and the respect of their peers) whilst falling to the right leaves them as a fine upstanding member of our society.

It’s all in the planning.


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A Prince Of Males?

4 08 2005


The Prince of Wales has long been known as “the” pub in Moseley to discuss child protection issues but recently they began a radical overhaul in order to attract the younger clientele. Little did they know what dark secrets they were about to uncover.

As decorators began to remove the decades of paint that had built up around the Prince they uncovered a startling image. As a local painter told us yesterday “It was last Friday and we were just removing the last coat of paint, I remember it well because we were listening to that Steve Wright on Radio 2. He’s a very funny man, have you heard him? Anyway I was scraping away and then bugger me if we didn’t find an enormous picture of local hero and Liberal Party candidate Martin Mullaney. As large as life and twice as big. I remember it well, I turned to John and said “Bugger me isn’t that an enormous picture of local hero and Liberal Party candidate Martin Mullaney?” and John said “Yeah it does look a bit like him”. Well I tell you, we needed a cup of tea after that.

In itself large pictures of local celebrities are not that surprising but the truth of this case is infinitely more shocking. Through a process of carbon dating it has now been conclusively proven that the original painting was completed in 1920. Some years before the real Martin was either conceived or born.

The landlord of the Prince of Wales told us “At first it scared me to my very marrow but given a little thought we’ve decided to keep it. After all if we want to get a new breed of young drinkers in here what’s going to attract them, an enormous picture of Martin Mullaney or cheap Bacardi Breezers and large screen football? Indeed it’ll be the picture every time.”

Mr Moneywise is said to be willing to fight this decision in the courts. He told us “It gives me the willies. I’m standing there behind me counter and he just stares at you. I swear he winked the other day.”


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The Great Moseley Mast Debate

4 08 2005


“What is it?”, “Who owns it?”, “Where’s my dinner?” are the questions being asked at the most salubrious dinner parties in Moseley. All this controversy has been caused by the shock appearance of a metal monstrosity pointing like some sort of finger to heaven. Whilst few people can deny it’s existence, few people know what it does.

The obvious explanation is that it is a communication machine invented by Mr Moneywise to allow the legions of slave children hiding in his enormous caverns to talk to their parents. Although a credible explanation, recent investigations by Moseley authorities have yet to prove the existence of slave labour in Moneywise. Though how Mr Moneywise can produce such high quality goods without the use of slave labour is still a mystery.

The craziest theory being muttered in Moseley is that it must be some sort of transmitter owned by a mobile phone company. This is clearly nonsense, as anyone with a mobile phone in Moseley will tell you.

The real answer is more chilling than anyone could have believed possible. We have been somewhat reliably informed that this aberration of technology is in fact a machine invented by the armchair scientists of the Prince of Wales. Its sole purpose is to categorically disprove the existence of God once and for all. They believe that once they live in a God-free Moseley they will be free to create an army of cloned social workers that will sweep across our village putting everything they meet into care. As yet we are not aware of what this will achieve.

This is the future.


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The War Begins

4 08 2005


The continuing controvesy surrounding Moseley’s newest pub has taken a sinister turn for the worst. The recent license hearing was heralded as a triumph of common sense by the moral majority of Moseley when magistrates refused the brewery permission to open a new pub. Much slapping of backs was to be heard around the leafy boulevards of Chantry Road and beyond as they congratulated themselves once again on preventing more fun.

The announcement that Wetherspoons were to appeal against this decision was greeted with very different reactions. Certain sections of our community have decided that the time for discussions has come to an end and that a more direct form of action is needed. An anonymous group thought to be funded by Wetherspoons brewery and Libya are arming themselves in order to take back control of the village from those who generally seem to speak on our behalf. Local military experts from the Prince Of Wales maintain that if this escalation reamins unchecked there is a very real chance of a “balkans style” conflict occuring within South Birmingham.

An insider told us “It’s not just the pub, though I like the idea of a no smoking bar and a wide selection of food, it’s the principle of the thing. As our first form of action we’re thinking of blowing Willy up. That’ll show ‘em.” The prospect of randomly exploding street drinkers is likely to have a negative effect on Moseley’s essential tourist trade.

When we contacted the Wetherspoons to find out their feelings on such drastic action the regional manager told us “It’s about time they realised who they’re fucking with. We’ve been very nice until now. There were only 800 names on that petition, I think we might visit those people and have a chat with them about modern licensed retailing. They didn’t want a pub in Harborne you know? At first anyway.” We left him lovingly polishing a rather battered base ball bat.


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Give Us Back Our Scientists

4 08 2005


A diplomatic storm was a brewin’ last week after shock stories of kidnapping and deceit emerged. Kings Heath residents claim that individuals in Moseley have been stealing their scientists. The diabolical human trade was uncovered when Birmingham University noticed its cybernetics department had gone. A representative of the university told us “We only noticed last month, the whole department had gone. Well not the building, but the staff have vanished. They all used to live in a big house together in Kings Heath but they’ve all gone. They’d been gone quite a while if all the copies of the New Scientist outside were anything to go by.”

The so-called “Kings Heath Brain Drain” began a few years ago with theft of a Mr C Daniels a research scientist who lived in Silver Street. It also co-incided with the third edition of Birmingham 13 Magazine’s “Moseley Scientist” column. A friend of Mr Daniels said, “I thought it was strange I saw Birmingham 13 Magazine and it had an interview with a Professor Nathaniels, he looked like Charlie, apart from the large rubber nose.”

An insider at Birmingham 13 Magazine told us “I don’t know how we got so involved. The Moseley Scientists column was so popular with our readers we didn’t have the heart to tell them we’d run out of scientists, so we decided to borrow a couple.” He added “It’s easy, you just go to the Prince of Wales and get them talking about Chaos Theory and then drug their beer. My mates got a van, so we can get them to the lock up on Chantry Road.”

At this time it is not known how many of the traumatised scientists survive the notoriously probing interview style of the Birmingham 13 journalists.


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