In 1976 Phil Lynott told us “Tonight there’s gonna be jailbreak”. Little did residents of Moseley know that only 33 years later this prophecy would come all too shockingly true. Although details of Thursday’s daring prisoner escape are still a little bit patchy it would appear that hardened criminals decided to release themselves in downtown Moseley. The biggest question that is praying on the minds of residents is how 10 coppers managed to arrive in 15 cars. The implication certainly appears to be that some arrived in cars and then walked back to the police station to gather more cars. Nobody quite understands what tactical advantage the police received through this application of resources but it provided an excellent opportunity to practice advanced parking. It seems that the prisoners somewhat literally took shelter in Lench’s Trust sheltered housing scheme. Unable to blend in with the geriatrics they were quickly aprehended.
Bonnie Tyler might well have been looking for a hero since 1984 but it goes without saying that her search would have been considerably shorter if she lived in Moseley. When publicity shy, Liberal Democrat candidate, Martin Mullaney foiled a burglary he once again made the streets of Moseley safe for us mere mortals. According to the Birmingham Evening Mail, Martin managed to prevent a burglary by taking the keys of the get away vehicle and giving chase down one of Moseley’s busy thorough fares. The burglars were spotted whilst Martin was posting some of his many leaflets through doors. Quite why he was still campaigning after he came third in the election three months ago reamins unclear but in many ways it’s lucky for us that he was. In all to brief interview in the local paper he said that it was his many years of watching the “Sweeney” that taught him all he knows about fighting crime. As yet we don’t know if this means he was on his way back from an all night session in an illegal drinking den or if he fitted up two innocent people. West Midlands Police are now looking into the practical benefits of fitting a large search light onto the roof of Lloyd House. This could then be used to shine a golden “M” into the sky in times of civil unrest. It may sound like nonsense and in many ways it is.
In a bid to impress the world, West Midlands police have once again chosen Moseley for another of their innovative (some say bonkers) crime fighting strategies. On Sunday, they unveiled their latest weapon in the fight against drugs: Kiddie Coppers. DCI Birch of the Moseley police force explained the rational behind using pre-school toddlers against hardened criminals to us on Monday at a press conference. “Your average drug fuelled loon is generally so surprised to be arrested by a couple of toddlers with a big vicious dog, they never smoke a crack ever again and their diminutive height means they can gain unhindered access to licensed premises.” The toddlers were unveiled as part of the now famous police raid on the Goose pub in central Moseley on Sunday night. During the raid, the police deployed eighteen full sized coppers, two of the smaller ones and one big dog. Though some sections of the community have questioned the effectiveness of the raid which resulted in no arrests, DCI Birch went on to tell us, “This was an intelligence led operation. We found a tip off on a post-it note behind the radiator in the office. It clearly stated that a pub on Moseley High Street was involved in the wide scale distribution of narcotics. Subsequent investigations showed that the information had in fact been supplied almost two years ago.” He went on to add, “Anyway I’ve just been on a course that challenged many of my preconceptions about drug dealers. Apparently, […]
Local drug dealers were once again up in arms after West Midlands police issued a new and shocking edict. A change in policy by the police means that dealers can now be prosecuted for dealing in imperial measures. In a bid to meet recent European Directives concerning weights and measures the less than catchy 3.5 grams will replace the now familiar eighth. In a recent “off the record” conversation with the West Midlands Police Imperial Measures Squad we were told “It’s not that we want to stop people selling drugs as such, well we do because it’s illegal, but we want to ensure that there is a coherent system of measurement. Most kids out there don’t even know what an ounce is and this could lead to all manner of weight related mishaps. Is that the sort of world we want our children to grow up in?” Although many sections of the community applaud this bold move it has met with predictable resistance from narcotic retailers across the city. One drug dealer we spotted outside a local primary school yelled at us “So do I get some sort of grant to buy new scales? It’s those blasted Brussels bureaucrats again isn’t it? They’ll be telling us we can’t eat sausages next, the bastards.” In a bid to stem confusion the Police will be handing out easy to use conversion cards that show at a glance how much skag you can get for ten quid.
When much loved community policeperson Sergeant Tracey Packham decided to move on to the Operations Centre at Belgrave Road, Woodbridge Road saw the opportunity to finally clamp down on crime in Moseley. As all local residents know crime is running out of control in downtown Moseley. With daily shootings and gangs of crack whores roaming the streets desperate measures were called for. Last year’s experiments with mechwarrior type search and destroy units (see eye passim) proved successful but failed to show the more sensitive side of community policing. Thus the idea was born to call in Sergeant Kevin Borg. The Borg Collective are feared across the galaxy for their unceasing need to assimilate “lesser species”, and it was this unique skill that was thought particularly relevant to Moseley. Although an inspired appointment, it hasn’t been a totally “glitch” free transition. At a recent meeting of the Moseley Traders Association Sergeant Borg told the gathered merchants that “Resistance was Futile” and tried to assimilate local news baron Mr Sai. It took the combined efforts of the manager of Kwik Save and the man who owns Zen to wrestle the cyborg to the floor. Mr Kwik Save told us later “He’s a strong fellah isn’t he? I reckon he just doesn’t appreciate our earth ways yet. He should have a word with Mr Nima, he had similar problems when he was first programmed.” Eye on Moseley reckon that with his deadpan delivery and squeaky metal joints he should be a big hit […]
The sound of wood on leather is a common sound around the leafy suburbs of Moseley during midsummer. Unusually last month it wasn’t the typical sound of the Moseley cricket club but the dawn chorus of the local police kicking peoples doors in. The Police launched their largest ever operation in Moseley and Balsall Heath to remove the scourge of drugs from our streets. A local representative of the police told us yesterday “It was excellent, we met at the station really early and had a bit of breakfast then all got into one of those large vans and started kicking peoples doors down. It makes me realise why I got into this job in the first place.” As a result of the operation 16 people were arrested and a large quantity of money and drugs were seized. It has also had an important knock on effect for the local economy. A Moseley carpenter told us “I’ve never been so busy, it’s great. I like working for drug dealers they’re really easy going.” Ironically a number of local drug dealers reported that they were quite pleased with the nights work themselves. “You don’t know how difficult it’s been lately. All this cheap heroin coming in from the Baltic states has cut my profit down like you wouldn’t believe.” He added “At least half my competition has gone so I can put the price right back up again. And with all the dealers gone there are some really desperate people out […]
The sickening crash of broken glass woke Moseley last week after an unprovoked attack on a local restaurant. The Bistro Lyonnaise, had it’s front window smashed in a reprisal attack from a previously unknown organisation that appears to campaign for the release of lobsters and other forms of shell fish. The attack apparently was intended to secure a safe escape route for incarcerated crustaceans. Fortunately nobody was hurt in this act of senseless violence. A particularly well informed bloke we met in a pub told us “What they don’t understand is that they don’t even keep lobsters there, they use a sort of lobster paste and you can’t liberate that can you? Well you can’t really it would just sit there?” The Police as yet don’t seem to have any leads on the whereabouts of this shadowy organisation but they do appear to have been active across the Midlands. A Police spokesperson told us “Your average Lobster wouldn’t last five minutes in somewhere as cosmopolitan as Moseley, they released some in Small Heath about five year ago and they’re doing well. Everybody there thinks they are some kind of armour plated cat.”
A baffling phenomenon has left Moseley’s leading scientist’s reeling. Every Thursday, just as dusk falls, an eerie pounding echoes though the streets of Moseley, striking fear into the hearts of residents. Many theories have been put forward as to the origin of this peculiar percussion. Some believe that there is an ancient tribe of native people, living under the streets of Moseley, who have been there maybe thousands of years. Are these the sounds of ancient people conducting strange rituals ? Others believe it is the sound of the local Satanists practicing the black arts of human sacrifice, possibly in the local Police station on Woodbridge Road. While this unnatural event unfolds with un-nerving regularity, it appears to be doing no-one any harm. However, as one resident pointed out “I wish they’d shut up. I can’t hear the news unless I have my telly on really loud, and I can’t open my windows in the summer ‘cos the noise does my head in. What the hell do they think they’re playing at ?”
Moseley street criminals were said to be despondant yesterday about the sudden dip in local crime. A hastily convened meeting of social misfits looked at ways that this worrying trend can be redressed. The initiatives discussed were banding together in Mad Max style groups and a rigorous policy of shop lifting. One local criminal who was just released from a “stretch” in the “Green” said, “I used to be proud to say I came from Moseley, you used to be able to deal drugs openly in Woodbridge Road and there was even a stabbing in the Fighting Cocks once. Now whenever I see my mates in Kings Heath they laugh and call me hippy boy.” We challenged the Police on what they were going to do to help this under priviledged group and they said “You are joking aren’t you, first you tell us you want less crime, now you want more. Why don’t they go and get jobs like everybody else?” In an impassioned speech at the meeting a spokesman said “In Balsall Heath they have guns and crack whore’s, the only rocks you can get round here are the healing kind.” Last night there was a glimmer of hope after it was announced that the council will be installing CCTV through out Balsall Heath. With a bit of luck and a trailing wind the new system might displace crime to Moseley.
Local residents gasped with delight earlier today when Moseley police unveiled their latest weapon against crime. A seven foot tall mechanised warrior. A representative of the Police said “Crime is spiraling out of control in this area, what with people begging outside Kwik Save and the like.” Some residents may doubt the wisdom of solving the local homeless problem with three tons of solid steel, but at the end of the day it is the only language they understand. In a drive to support community initiatives the police believe they can make the streets safe through a widespread policy of search and destroy.