Moseley security analysts were placed on high alert today after it came to light that the bulletheads of Kings Heath could have a bomb in a matter of weeks. It’s official guys; we’re on defcon 2! A leaked report from the highest echelons of the emergency joint committee of Moseley Society, Moseley Traders Society, Moseley CDT and Jibbering Records states, “… due to the discovery of… atomic… material… being readily available… the only conclusion that we can draw is that those dumb twats up the road want to nuke our park.” The Moseley Wardens have been stationed on twenty-four hour watch from classroom C5 of Queensbridge School to watch of signs of an imminent missile attack. Herr Oberfuhrer Kim Monaghan of the Moseley Wardens said, “We’ve figured that if there is a launch, we’ll be able to give the good people of Moseley an eight second warning before impact. This should be enough time to say, something along the lines of “Oh Fuck!” at least. It’s a worthwhile, but thankless task.” P.C. Borg of The First Woodbridge Road Truncheon was seen issuing anti-nuclear umbrellas whilst muttering, “Shiny, shiny, shiny…” A spokesbullethead for Kings Heath is quoted as saying, “… the whole thing is absolutely preposterous. We think the idea of us nuking Moseley Park and Pool is utterly bizarre. We’ve got two perfectly decent parks of our own and whilst we may not have an icehouse and some rare ducks, we’ve got the T.V. Garden from T.V.’s Gardener’s World. Beat […]
In an amazing U-turn the Chantry Road Chattering Classes have decided to welcome, with open arms, yet another corporate development in Moseley village. Moseley’s Community Development Trust has also decided to endorse the opening of the Sainsbury’s ‘local’ superstore, which many think will play a central role in the corporate takeover of Moseley. This U-turn has occurred despite the fact that both groups recently opposed the ‘Weatherspoons Pub’ development because of the undesirable effect that it would have on ‘village life’. There have been accusations of simony and rumours that the Chantry Chattering Classes have sold the village down the river in a secret deal with supermarket giant Sainsbury’s. It has been suggested that this ‘secret deal’ is nothing more than a bland attempt to raise B13 property prices through tie-in’s with the supermarket giant’s nouveaux riche Jamie Oliver branding campaigns which are set to wreck ‘village life’ for the rest of Moseley’s inhabitants. One resident interviewed said “Give it a year and at this rate the Village’ll be like a Disney theme park.” It is also thought that the chattering classes are attracted to the idea of not having to bring themselves down to the level of visiting King’s Heath or Selly Oak in order to consume their favourite Jamie Oliver endorsed products. The mysterious closure of Vincent’s Fishy Fruit & Veg also highlights another disturbing effect that the supermarket giant will have on village life. No details were available at the time of going to press but one […]
Sorry about the extended absence. You can consider it a sabbatical, as I’ve been absorbed in my new work. A column for Eye on Kings Heath. Understandably as readers of Eye On Moseley, you will more than likely never have heard of Eye On Kings Heath. Those of you who have never heard of Eye on Kings Heath will be unlikely to rush off and read our dubious rival publication, at least if you’ve been reading Eye On Moseley properly anyway. It is exactly what you’d expect from that dark valley of hovels to our south. Clumsy, lacking content. Childish. So why then am I writing a column for them? Ill explain. Eye On Moseley began so many years ago with only the purest of intentions. A non-profit organisation founded to breed mutual respect amongst the residents of Moseley. A co-operative, non-hierarchical, socialist orientated, internet based community newspaper, dedicated to ridding Moseley of the evils of the likes found in the Chantry Road Mafia and Sandford Road Massive. To exposing the evil of robot Nimas, potholes and slipper wearing cats. But that was then…. This is now. Shortly after the fabled first birthday party, a secret meeting of the Eye On Moseley bigwigs was held. I was astonished to turn up to this meeting and see seated chummily with my esteemed colleagues the likes of Richard Branson, representatives of the West Midlands Police, World Bank officials, Pottery and Pieces head honcho, Bill Gates and others. All in all there were […]
Researchers at Birmingham University have retracted their paper claiming that “Moseley (is) a bit shit” after the passionate outcry of local, learned residents. This comes in the wake of a fall in house prices and cheese shortages at Nima’s Delicatessen, thought to have been caused by panic buying and stockpiling by high society Moseleyites. An academic, who preferred to remain anonymous, said, “Yeah, well we looked at Edgbaston and decided that it’s got some nice houses and stuff, but the people are basically a bunch of inbred, donkey buggering necrophiliacs, who wouldn’t know style if it came up and kicked them in their equine soiled genitalia. And another thing…” We had to cut him short there. Whilst we at the Eye disagree with this opinion, we are relieved that Norwegian Yak cheese is once again available and abundant at Mr. Nima’s fine emporium. Praise be.
The famous community spirit of Moseley Village, thought by many to be under threat for some time, is to be given a boost under recent innovations proposal by Moseley Forum. In response to the unwelcome tide of scruffy, pub-going, non-Moseleyites, the forum is considering the introducion of a local I.D. system. Residents of the area will wear jumpers with key pieces of personal information emblazoned on the front. This information will consist of their length of residency in the village and their annual income. This will entitle the proper residents of the area to priviliged access to Nima’s, Pottery & Pieces and the other more civilised establishments. It will also entitle them to move children off the swings, stop non-residents stealing sunshine from the park and also kick tramps to death. Eye on Moseley can’t wait. A two tier social system to be proud of.