Eye on Moseley

It appears that chuffed with his recent success  in abolishing punctuation, Cllr Martin Mullaney ™ is now seeking to remove the word sorry from the English language. The normally publicity shy representative has been presented an opportunity by the High Court to apologise to one of his constituents that he had treated in a “high handed and one sided manner”.

Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has sought to avoid the apology by claiming that the linguistic basis of the word sorry has no historical precedent. He told someone who then told us, “I’ve looked through my dictionary and I can’t see this word their talking about it’s just fantasy.”

On being challenged that he appeared to have torn the entire “s” section from the dictionary he launched into a robust defence, sometimes yelling, “You people should thank me, that man was trying to inject economic benefit into Moseley whilst clearly being a member of the Labour party. I remember when this place used to stand for something. It was despicable the way he was trying to restore a previously neglected building, do you know sometimes my mate Keith couldn’t park his car because there were builders in the way? It makes me sick.”

Representatives of the Plain English Campaign asked us, “What’s he playing at? If he carries on like this there’ll be no words left and we’ll all be speaking fucking semaphore”.

As if Moseley didn’t have enough to contend with, this morning the Learning and Skills Council took the bold step of declaring all of the B13 postal district a disaster zone. The shock move follows the all too public declaration that our elected representatives have little comprehension of even the most basic rules of grammar. Matters came to a head last week when Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ managed to scam his way onto national TV in order to declare the removal of the apostrophe from the Moseley lexicon. He shouted, “I don’t know how they work and I’m getting rid of them.”

Normally such behaviour wouldn’t prompt as much as a patronising sigh from Central Government but Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has form. Given his recent successes with graffiti and toilet trading, there is a serious concern that the people of Moseley could be left without any viable way of contracting words.   

A representative from the Learning and Skills Council probably told us “We intend to capture Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ with a linguistic trap of our own construction. We will lure him into a small cage where hopefully he will be bamboozled by an array of punctuation. We will then remove him to safer location in the city where educational aspiration is somewhat lower.”

Buoyed by his own self-belief, Mullaney is thought to be putting the finishing touches to his plan to change the name of Moseley to a hushed guttural yelp. Much like the noise you’d expect a stunned calf to make.

Clearly it’s preposterous for us to try and claim the moral high ground when discussing matters of spelling and punctuation but again we implore people to just think of the children. 

Springtime in Moseley Christians erecting tools of torture on the Village Green, the sound of bin bags falling on your doorstep, vast arrays of leaflets boasting accomplishments of almost biblical proportions and Eye on Moseley getting off it’s apathetic arse to spread more self interested lies about people who actually do things in their community. It can mean only one thing, yes it’s election time yet again.

At this time of year our local Councillors like to shake off the long sleep of winter and put pen to paper just to let us know what exatly they’ve been up to in the last year. This year we can hear how Cllr Mullaney single handedly fought a dragon in Woodbridge Road, how Cllr Barry “Go to bed” Henley in a surreal tribute to Cher managed to Turn Back Time and how the Conservatives kept their collective heads down in case they disturbed the sleep of slumbering babes.

Over the next couple of weeks we will attempt to use lies and discord to inject a bit of life into, what promises to be, a dull contest to decide who gets to eat a slap up meal once a month at Council Tax payers expense. After that we will probably go away again, don’t worry.

Councillor Martin Mullaney took justice to the streets this week, lending new energy to the greatest threat to public order since the time when there was a bit of a fight on the village green. In a bold, unprecedented and quite, quite bizarre move, Councillor Mullaney fly-posted the village with pictures of his own face and home phone number.

The heartfelt statement on the posters “Tough on Fly-posting, tough on the causes of Fly-posting” bought traffic to a stop and made old men cry with real emotion, such was it’s intensity. A number of fly-posters handed themselves in to local authorities and it is believed that this is the final step in turning the tide against these evil poster Nazis who make their money from the tears of our children. We salute Martin…sorry Councillor Martin Mullaney, and the Liberal Democrats. Long may they carry on doing whatever it is they do.