News that Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has been stripped of his role as a Councillor is apparently causing growing concern amongst his admittedly small band of supporters. Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ bravely exposed a local property developer as being a supporter of the Labour Party in a manner that the highest court in the land said was “completely out of order”. Although this selfless action alerted Moseley residents of some apparently legal building work it has come at a terrifying personal cost. Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has invested his entire soul in being a Councillor and the removal of his “function” has apparently meant that he is beginning to fade out our reality. A close friend of Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ told us, “He really really likes being a Councillor, you’ve noticed he’s actually incorporated the word Councillor into his name haven’t you? You know in those videos? When he introduces himself he always says “My name is Councillor Martin Mullaney ™”. I don’t think he was christened that. Though if he was it certainly shows some foresight from his parents. Especially as he seemingly had no interest in politics until recently. You should have seen him the day he was elected. He went straight out and dyed his hair grey. He said it made him look more statesman like. He was like a very old child. I’m worried now though. You can literally see straight through him. It’s like now he has no purpose there is no need for […]
It appears that chuffed with his recent success in abolishing punctuation, Cllr Martin Mullaney ™ is now seeking to remove the word sorry from the English language. The normally publicity shy representative has been presented an opportunity by the High Court to apologise to one of his constituents that he had treated in a “high handed and one sided manner”. Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has sought to avoid the apology by claiming that the linguistic basis of the word sorry has no historical precedent. He told someone who then told us, “I’ve looked through my dictionary and I can’t see this word their talking about it’s just fantasy.” On being challenged that he appeared to have torn the entire “s” section from the dictionary he launched into a robust defence, sometimes yelling, “You people should thank me, that man was trying to inject economic benefit into Moseley whilst clearly being a member of the Labour party. I remember when this place used to stand for something. It was despicable the way he was trying to restore a previously neglected building, do you know sometimes my mate Keith couldn’t park his car because there were builders in the way? It makes me sick.” Representatives of the Plain English Campaign asked us, “What’s he playing at? If he carries on like this there’ll be no words left and we’ll all be speaking fucking semaphore”.
As if Moseley didn’t have enough to contend with, this morning the Learning and Skills Council took the bold step of declaring all of the B13 postal district a disaster zone. The shock move follows the all too public declaration that our elected representatives have little comprehension of even the most basic rules of grammar. Matters came to a head last week when Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ managed to scam his way onto national TV in order to declare the removal of the apostrophe from the Moseley lexicon. He shouted, “I don’t know how they work and I’m getting rid of them.” Normally such behaviour wouldn’t prompt as much as a patronising sigh from Central Government but Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ has form. Given his recent successes with graffiti and toilet trading, there is a serious concern that the people of Moseley could be left without any viable way of contracting words. A representative from the Learning and Skills Council probably told us “We intend to capture Councillor Martin Mullaney ™ with a linguistic trap of our own construction. We will lure him into a small cage where hopefully he will be bamboozled by an array of punctuation. We will then remove him to safer location in the city where educational aspiration is somewhat lower.” Buoyed by his own self-belief, Mullaney is thought to be putting the finishing touches to his plan to change the name of Moseley to a hushed guttural yelp. Much like the noise you’d expect a stunned calf to […]
Local residents were thrown into a paradox over the weekend when evidence began to appear around Moseley that things might not be as they seem. As readers of LibDem News will know the curse of flyposting is something that only happened back in 2004. Shoppers were confounded by what appeared to be numerous posters advertising some sort of night or event. We spoke to one confused Somerfield customer who told us “It just doesn’t make any sense. Cllr Mullaney told me that there are no flyposters in Moseley anymore but it looks like a flyposter. It’s got a date and a venue and a price and well if it isn’t a flyposter then what the hell is it?” A LibDem spokesperson told us over the weekend “There has clearly been some sort of confusion. There are no flyposters and we would like the names and addresses of anyone who thinks there is because they clearly need a little bit of a chat about the new Moseley. You people don’t you see what we’ve done for you?” Residents are advised that if they see anything that looks remotely like a poster they should just walk past it and definitely shouldn’t tell anyone.
Springtime in Moseley Christians erecting tools of torture on the Village Green, the sound of bin bags falling on your doorstep, vast arrays of leaflets boasting accomplishments of almost biblical proportions and Eye on Moseley getting off it’s apathetic arse to spread more self interested lies about people who actually do things in their community. It can mean only one thing, yes it’s election time yet again. At this time of year our local Councillors like to shake off the long sleep of winter and put pen to paper just to let us know what exatly they’ve been up to in the last year. This year we can hear how Cllr Mullaney single handedly fought a dragon in Woodbridge Road, how Cllr Barry “Go to bed” Henley in a surreal tribute to Cher managed to Turn Back Time and how the Conservatives kept their collective heads down in case they disturbed the sleep of slumbering babes. Over the next couple of weeks we will attempt to use lies and discord to inject a bit of life into, what promises to be, a dull contest to decide who gets to eat a slap up meal once a month at Council Tax payers expense. After that we will probably go away again, don’t worry.
Councillor Martin Mullaney took justice to the streets this week, lending new energy to the greatest threat to public order since the time when there was a bit of a fight on the village green. In a bold, unprecedented and quite, quite bizarre move, Councillor Mullaney fly-posted the village with pictures of his own face and home phone number. The heartfelt statement on the posters “Tough on Fly-posting, tough on the causes of Fly-posting” bought traffic to a stop and made old men cry with real emotion, such was it’s intensity. A number of fly-posters handed themselves in to local authorities and it is believed that this is the final step in turning the tide against these evil poster Nazis who make their money from the tears of our children. We salute Martin…sorry Councillor Martin Mullaney, and the Liberal Democrats. Long may they carry on doing whatever it is they do.
Staff and pupils of King David School Moseley were agog this week with news that Liberal Democrat candidate Martin Mullaney was the surprise winner of Class 5’s art competition. Mullaney’s interpretation of what he called, “my friend John” demonstrated an uncanny understanding of both colour and the human form. That is not to say that there wasn’t some dissent amongst the gathered children. One child Jeremy Throp (5) was heard to shout “That’s my picture. It’s my dad.” before he was quickly bundled from the room by a hovering Liberal goon. Jeremy has been known to make similar wild claims such as the time he told his class that his dad made buildings. It is widely known in Moseley that Jeremy’s father is in fact a surveyor. Mr Mullaney’s acceptance speech ranged over a variety of issues such as the communities need to harness rabbits for their residual power as well as thanking everyone for his recent Oscar for his direction of The Lord Of The Rings: The Return of the King. He also found the time to reassure the children that if he is successful in the forthcoming elections he will still be able to find the time to complete his groundbreaking work in HIV research.
Ken was last seen around election time, or rather, that was when he was last supposed to have been seen. He is a shy man, forthcoming only when he steals ideas from other local politicians. He was elected as Conservative councillor for Moseley, but the shock of this is believed to have driven him over the edge. He was last seen driving a “Batmobile” style car towards Kingstanding, his home, and was believed to be driving extremely fast. This would have to be the case if he seriously expects to be able to travel between Moseley and Kingstanding in 12 minutes. Ken is easily frightened and if you see him you should lure him out from under whatever rock he’s hiding under by dangling a picture of a “Martin Mullaney” in front of him. Although timid, he feeds on the Mullaney, and it should do the trick. Once captured, he should be beaten with an iron bar until he promises to stop fucking up the 50 bus route. He can then be re-released.
The Prince of Wales has long been known as “the” pub in Moseley to discuss child protection issues but recently they began a radical overhaul in order to attract the younger clientele. Little did they know what dark secrets they were about to uncover. As decorators began to remove the decades of paint that had built up around the Prince they uncovered a startling image. As a local painter told us yesterday “It was last Friday and we were just removing the last coat of paint, I remember it well because we were listening to that Steve Wright on Radio 2. He’s a very funny man, have you heard him? Anyway I was scraping away and then bugger me if we didn’t find an enormous picture of local hero and Liberal Party candidate Martin Mullaney. As large as life and twice as big. I remember it well, I turned to John and said “Bugger me isn’t that an enormous picture of local hero and Liberal Party candidate Martin Mullaney?” and John said “Yeah it does look a bit like him”. Well I tell you, we needed a cup of tea after that. In itself large pictures of local celebrities are not that surprising but the truth of this case is infinitely more shocking. Through a process of carbon dating it has now been conclusively proven that the original painting was completed in 1920. Some years before the real Martin was either conceived or born. The landlord of the Prince of […]
Terror hit the West Midlands last night as Moseley was shaken to it’s very core by a devastating earthquake. Many residents sat bolt upright in bed and said things like “What was that?” as they were gripped by the phenomenon that is already been written into local folklore as “Ol’ Shakey”. The extensive damage sustained involved some plants falling on their sides and even a shed on Sandford Road that is now showing a distinct list. The Moseley Forum has called on all residents to pull together and go round and see old people and stuff. In a hastily convened press conference this morning a spokesperson for the Forum said “We can all thank god that it wasn’t much much worse. But at the end of the day, now is the time for the people of Armenia and India to put their money where their mouth is and cough up the cash we need to rebuild out tattered community. Although we might not have suffered much visible damage the on-going ramifications of this disaster are almost incalculable. For example Mr Sai found it very difficult to get back to sleep last night and as a result some people were unable to buy a paper this morning. So we, the Moseley Forum, say to the people of the third world, get your hands in your pockets and give us what’s due. I thank you.” It is believed that a disaster special edition of B13 magazine will be in the shops by […]