Terror hit the West Midlands last night as Moseley was shaken to it’s very core by a devastating earthquake. Many residents sat bolt upright in bed and said things like “What was that?” as they were gripped by the phenomenon that is already been written into local folklore as “Ol’ Shakey”. The extensive damage sustained involved some plants falling on their sides and even a shed on Sandford Road that is now showing a distinct list. The Moseley Forum has called on all residents to pull together and go round and see old people and stuff. In a hastily convened press conference this morning a spokesperson for the Forum said “We can all thank god that it wasn’t much much worse. But at the end of the day, now is the time for the people of Armenia and India to put their money where their mouth is and cough up the cash we need to rebuild out tattered community. Although we might not have suffered much visible damage the on-going ramifications of this disaster are almost incalculable. For example Mr Sai found it very difficult to get back to sleep last night and as a result some people were unable to buy a paper this morning. So we, the Moseley Forum, say to the people of the third world, get your hands in your pockets and give us what’s due. I thank you.” It is believed that a disaster special edition of B13 magazine will be in the shops by […]
It’s become something of a regular occurrence and this year is no exception. Once again “The Big Mo” is featured heavily in the nominations for The Annual Surly Help Awards. Local nominations include:- The “manager” at the Goose for his hilariously hostile attitude to his customers; The baffling security guard in Boots for his welcoming way of standing six inches away from anybody under sixty not dressed in a suit and staring accusingly; The ginger haired counter-plebe in Lloyds Bank who treats you like you’ve stolen the money you withdraw. From his mom. In a truly “Eddie the Eagle Edwards” style move Mr Sai, possibly the least hostile person ever born, announced that he would have a go at securing a nomination for next year’s awards but conceded that “I don’t really do surly very well, my friend please? Would you like a free thing?” The prestigious award, presented by the British Federation of Customer Service Experts has rarely been so hotly contended and our local hopefuls will this year be going up against some stiff competition including an international bid from Slobodan Milosevic. Let us not forget the strong bid from three-times joint champions Jan and Ronnie who, though no longer within the Moseley borders, are still happily stifling the character of local boozers in Kings Heath, where drinking is said to have become “largely depressing”. Following superbly mule-headed, obstructive performances in past years the odd couple are still hot favourites. Hopes for the locals are high though, following […]
Rumours abound about the Eye On Moseley team as a major wood pulp based news publication bears false witness. Such reports would seem to be very wide of the mark. Imagine our surprise as we drove passed Mr. Sai’s to see filthy allegations that the filth had busted what we like to think of as “the news”. Several frantic phone calls later and an expensive meeting with lawyers allowed us to realise that whilst some “Moseley Internet Perverts” had indeed been “sent to jail”, it wasn’t this particular set of “Moseley Internet Perverts”. Quite who these “Moseley Internet Perverts” are, remains something of a mystery, but not being territorial souls, we can quite safely say, we are fully supportive of the police in their efforts to rid Moseley of people who are trying to topple us from our perch as major perverters of the internet. We are currently seeking legal advice on whether we can sue the arse off these sickos for trying to steal our thunder.
When much loved community policeperson Sergeant Tracey Packham decided to move on to the Operations Centre at Belgrave Road, Woodbridge Road saw the opportunity to finally clamp down on crime in Moseley. As all local residents know crime is running out of control in downtown Moseley. With daily shootings and gangs of crack whores roaming the streets desperate measures were called for. Last year’s experiments with mechwarrior type search and destroy units (see eye passim) proved successful but failed to show the more sensitive side of community policing. Thus the idea was born to call in Sergeant Kevin Borg. The Borg Collective are feared across the galaxy for their unceasing need to assimilate “lesser species”, and it was this unique skill that was thought particularly relevant to Moseley. Although an inspired appointment, it hasn’t been a totally “glitch” free transition. At a recent meeting of the Moseley Traders Association Sergeant Borg told the gathered merchants that “Resistance was Futile” and tried to assimilate local news baron Mr Sai. It took the combined efforts of the manager of Kwik Save and the man who owns Zen to wrestle the cyborg to the floor. Mr Kwik Save told us later “He’s a strong fellah isn’t he? I reckon he just doesn’t appreciate our earth ways yet. He should have a word with Mr Nima, he had similar problems when he was first programmed.” Eye on Moseley reckon that with his deadpan delivery and squeaky metal joints he should be a big hit […]
As Moseley once again becomes a bizarre mixture of TV stars and criminals a person of class and distinction is called for to lead us into the new year. That’s why Eye on Moseley is once again proud to announce the results of the “Most Powerful Person In Moseley” awards. Our select panel of judges has chosen ten local personalities that have shown particular social probity and general concern for their fellow men over the course of the last few months. Regular readers will remember that the last award was presented to no less a local personality than Nikki Burton who runs Victoria Wines. We are saddened to say Nikki did not win this time but in this season of goodwill it’s time to look to the future rather than banging on about the past (old people take note). The power top ten in this period are:- Bioux Bryan Knott Elaine “Pat” Kavanagh Martin Mullaney Mr Nima Mr Sai Mr Select And Save Nikki “Victoria” Wines Pete The Feet Willy As you can see there are some surprise additions this time round. Local knife man Martin Mullaney has made the rise from the Vauxhall Conference to the Premiership of power. His sterling works for the community have not gone unnnoticed. Mr Select And Save was an essential addition after the almost biblical extension to his previously crap shop. But let us not forget that for all those who get promoted there are those who get relegated. This time we have […]
Eye On Moseley would like to announce the results of the “Most Powerful Person In Moseley” competition. After weeks of bitter consultation and not a few arguments we have managed to make a shortlist of the ten most powerful people in Moseley. Bouix Bryan Knott Elaine “Pat” Kavanagh Jan “Fighting” Cocks Mr Nima Mr Sai News Nikki “Victoria” Wines Pete The Feet The Bloke Who Owns Little Italy & Momas Willie These people were then marked by our panel of experts in four distinct areas of their lives: – Recognised Acts Of Human Kindness Appearance How Contemporary They Are Fun The results were shocking and yet predictable. Nikki Burton was the clear winner, having scored highly in every category, showing us all that the powerful do not have to be malicious as well. A few words should also be said on behalf of the other competitors. Willie did make a late run by getting his haircut and getting a new hat but at the end of the day the panel felt he was not giving enough. Bouix had scored well in the first round of voting but points were inevitably deducted after his ritual slaughter of Space Oddity at Pat Kavanagh’s open mike night. Moseley newcomer Mr Sai did exceptionally well and showed himself to be the one to watch in the future. We’d like all our readers to remember that these people are our betters and as such should be accorded the respect their power confers on them. If […]