Eye on Moseley

It’s become something of a regular occurrence and this year is no exception. Once again “The Big Mo” is featured heavily in the nominations for The Annual Surly Help Awards. Local nominations include:-

The “manager” at the Goose for his hilariously hostile attitude to his customers;

The baffling security guard in Boots for his welcoming way of standing six inches away from anybody under sixty not dressed in a suit and staring accusingly;

The ginger haired counter-plebe in Lloyds Bank who treats you like you’ve stolen the money you withdraw. From his mom.

In a truly “Eddie the Eagle Edwards” style move Mr Sai, possibly the least hostile person ever born, announced that he would have a go at securing a nomination for next year’s awards but conceded that “I don’t really do surly very well, my friend please? Would you like a free thing?”

The prestigious award, presented by the British Federation of Customer Service Experts has rarely been so hotly contended and our local hopefuls will this year be going up against some stiff competition including an international bid from Slobodan Milosevic. Let us not forget the strong bid from three-times joint champions Jan and Ronnie who, though no longer within the Moseley borders, are still happily stifling the character of local boozers in Kings Heath, where drinking is said to have become “largely depressing”. Following superbly mule-headed, obstructive performances in past years the odd couple are still hot favourites.

Hopes for the locals are high though, following allegedly leaked conversations amongst the judges concerning their “amazement” at how “outrageously wrong” the “twat” in the Goose “is” and how Moseley might soon need its own “special section”. A spokespersonage-of-non-specific-genderisation said today “we can neither confirm nor deny these rumours but fuck me, your shops are full of wankers”.
Rest assured that our scouts will keep a close “eye” on the ceremony if it can be arsed.

Rumours abound about the Eye On Moseley team as a major wood pulp based news publication bears false witness. Such reports would seem to be very wide of the mark.

Imagine our surprise as we drove passed Mr. Sai’s to see filthy allegations that the filth had busted what we like to think of as “the news”. Several frantic phone calls later and an expensive meeting with lawyers allowed us to realise that whilst some “Moseley Internet Perverts” had indeed been “sent to jail”, it wasn’t this particular set of “Moseley Internet Perverts”.

Quite who these “Moseley Internet Perverts” are, remains something of a mystery, but not being territorial souls, we can quite safely say, we are fully supportive of the police in their efforts to rid Moseley of people who are trying to topple us from our perch as major perverters of the internet. We are currently seeking legal advice on whether we can sue the arse off these sickos for trying to steal our thunder.