Like all of us, you have a fascination with the olden days don’t you? You want to know what Moseley was like was before you were born, you want to hear about when it was “better”. So do we, so we decided to ask the only person that truly remembers how we used to live, Mr Allen from Allen’s Chicken and Chips. His business has been at the centre of Moseley since anyone can remember and we thought he might just have some tales to tell. EOM: Thank you for agreeing to talk to us, we hope you can help us readers to understand the changes that have happened in Moseley in the long years that you’ve been supplying people with Chicken and Chips. What’s your earliest memory? Mr Allen: Thank you, I’ve always worried that the rich tapestry of Moseley life that’s locked in my mind might get lost to future generations. I suppose my favourite recollection is the day that the first car came to Moseley. It was the Summer of 1919, the Great War had finished and there was a feeling of jubilation in the centre of Moseley. I can’t remember who brought the car to show us but I remember that Mr Nima was most excited to have a go, well when I say excited he was also a bit nervous. His personal physician had told him that the human body couldn’t survive at speeds beyond 23 mph. I remember his little face as […]
When 8 Till Late burnt to the ground many thought it was the result of a typically ham-fisted insurance job or at the very least a strange fridge fire. When Fire Investigation Officers began to sort through the remnants of poor quality porn that littered the crime scene they were chilled to discover a slightly charred, signed picture of Jamie Oliver. Many in Moseley were perturbed when our new Sainsbury’s Local employed a Serbian Death Squad to handle it’s public relations but a combination of fear and quality food meant many kept silent. We asked the manager what prompted this unconventional move, he told us “Many people underestimate the team spirit that was born on the battlefields of Bosnia and it is something that we as a company have sort to harness.” Some in Moseley have seen another side to this enlightened employment policy. Local celebrity and purveyor of expensive stuff, Mr Nima told us “They told me they didn’t like my bread and they were going to teach me a lesson. That’s when they cut my hands off, both of them. It really hurt.” For reasons of fairness, it should be pointed out that many people are sceptical of Mr Nima’s story. When confronted with this compelling evidence the Sanisbury’s manager told us “But Mr Nima’s got hands. I think I can say with some certainty that no limbs have ever been lost due to Sainsbury’s employees. They did experience some problems in Maypole when some child soldiers from […]
Whilst an open top bus parading through the centre of Moseley might still be the stuff of fantasy, Moseley Town F.C’s second succesive win means Moseley is once again on Birmingham’s sporting map. Moseley Town’s glorious cup win against Queslet FC means some silverware is almost certainly assured this season, at least for the coffers of the Jug Of Ale. The feelgood factor for Moseley cannot be underestimated. Mr Nima has already commited funds to strengthen Moseley’s strike force and is said to be negotiating with Barcelona for a surprise winter signing. He told us yesterday “I can’t really say anything until the European transfer window is open but Rivaldo is very impressed with the facilities at Moseley town and is looking forward to soaking up the cafe culture of South Birmingham.” In other news the Hare and Hounds will possibly release Ronaldo (see Eye issue 7). He is said to be unhappy after his recent move from The Fighting Cocks and is looking forward to some first team action rather than pulling pints in Kings Heath. Moseley manager Stu “Scarface” Haresnape appears to be non-plussed by his potential new recruits, he told us “We’ll have to see if the lads can hack it at this level. I intend to try them out on our training regime of beer and fags and see if they can find a place in the side. Obviously if either of them has a car it will be a bonus as we have to train […]
When much loved community policeperson Sergeant Tracey Packham decided to move on to the Operations Centre at Belgrave Road, Woodbridge Road saw the opportunity to finally clamp down on crime in Moseley. As all local residents know crime is running out of control in downtown Moseley. With daily shootings and gangs of crack whores roaming the streets desperate measures were called for. Last year’s experiments with mechwarrior type search and destroy units (see eye passim) proved successful but failed to show the more sensitive side of community policing. Thus the idea was born to call in Sergeant Kevin Borg. The Borg Collective are feared across the galaxy for their unceasing need to assimilate “lesser species”, and it was this unique skill that was thought particularly relevant to Moseley. Although an inspired appointment, it hasn’t been a totally “glitch” free transition. At a recent meeting of the Moseley Traders Association Sergeant Borg told the gathered merchants that “Resistance was Futile” and tried to assimilate local news baron Mr Sai. It took the combined efforts of the manager of Kwik Save and the man who owns Zen to wrestle the cyborg to the floor. Mr Kwik Save told us later “He’s a strong fellah isn’t he? I reckon he just doesn’t appreciate our earth ways yet. He should have a word with Mr Nima, he had similar problems when he was first programmed.” Eye on Moseley reckon that with his deadpan delivery and squeaky metal joints he should be a big hit […]
Researchers at Birmingham University have retracted their paper claiming that “Moseley (is) a bit shit” after the passionate outcry of local, learned residents. This comes in the wake of a fall in house prices and cheese shortages at Nima’s Delicatessen, thought to have been caused by panic buying and stockpiling by high society Moseleyites. An academic, who preferred to remain anonymous, said, “Yeah, well we looked at Edgbaston and decided that it’s got some nice houses and stuff, but the people are basically a bunch of inbred, donkey buggering necrophiliacs, who wouldn’t know style if it came up and kicked them in their equine soiled genitalia. And another thing…” We had to cut him short there. Whilst we at the Eye disagree with this opinion, we are relieved that Norwegian Yak cheese is once again available and abundant at Mr. Nima’s fine emporium. Praise be.
As Moseley once again becomes a bizarre mixture of TV stars and criminals a person of class and distinction is called for to lead us into the new year. That’s why Eye on Moseley is once again proud to announce the results of the “Most Powerful Person In Moseley” awards. Our select panel of judges has chosen ten local personalities that have shown particular social probity and general concern for their fellow men over the course of the last few months. Regular readers will remember that the last award was presented to no less a local personality than Nikki Burton who runs Victoria Wines. We are saddened to say Nikki did not win this time but in this season of goodwill it’s time to look to the future rather than banging on about the past (old people take note). The power top ten in this period are:- Bioux Bryan Knott Elaine “Pat” Kavanagh Martin Mullaney Mr Nima Mr Sai Mr Select And Save Nikki “Victoria” Wines Pete The Feet Willy As you can see there are some surprise additions this time round. Local knife man Martin Mullaney has made the rise from the Vauxhall Conference to the Premiership of power. His sterling works for the community have not gone unnnoticed. Mr Select And Save was an essential addition after the almost biblical extension to his previously crap shop. But let us not forget that for all those who get promoted there are those who get relegated. This time we have […]
Last months petrol crisis caused many of us a level of inconvenience but local trader Mr Nima saw it as an opportunity to put into action his donkey delivery service. Realising that without transport many of us would not be able to purchase his wide selection of cheese he set about making emergency deliveries with his new donkey. The plan caused an outcry amongst local animal rights protesters when through a strange oversight the excessive weight of cheese projected the poor animal straight up. Moseley village was brought to a standstill whilst emergency services raced against the clock to bring the donkey back to the ground where it would feel considerably more comfortable. Using the new West Midlands Fire Brigade patented donkey harness the creature was removed from the cart and set free. The Fire Brigade told us “We always wondered what the hell we were going to do with a donkey harness. It seemed a bargain in the catalogue but it’s sat in the back of the truck for about a year now.” Mr Nima expressed regret for any suffering caused and told us “I don’t know what happened, I was putting the last slab of cheese on the back and then WHOOSH it shot up in the air like an equine rocket. It was quite funny actually, it’s legs kept running but it couldn’t go anywhere. I called Mrs Nima out and we had a bit of a laugh but then we realised it was serious. I don’t […]
Reports have recently begun to arrive that our friendly local delicatessen has an unlikely crisis brewing. As everyone knows, Mr Nima is a model of efficiency and good manners. There is a reason for this. The original Mr. Nima was replaced in 1992 after he accidentally short-changed a customer and then punched him violently in the face for arguing about it. The Sandford Road Massive(SRM) and The Chantry Road Mafia(CRM) had consultations and decided that a sort of cross between Yul Brynner (in Westworld) and Ian Holm (in Alien) would provide the best service. They utilised the extreme vegan robotic scientists of the Sage Trust for Vegetarian Control of the Universe and created the new Mr.Nima. He was designed to run without maintenance for hundreds of years, however things have gone awry. Over-exposure to the moisture of the cheese counter has warped his computer brain and in a scene reminiscent of Ian Holm’s total spasmodic breakdown in “Alien”, he is due to go critical in mid-July. The irony will not escape this intrepid reporter as he watches Mr.Nima stuff the CRM and SRM’s orifice with selected cooked meats and exotic fancy goods.
Eye On Moseley would like to announce the results of the “Most Powerful Person In Moseley” competition. After weeks of bitter consultation and not a few arguments we have managed to make a shortlist of the ten most powerful people in Moseley. Bouix Bryan Knott Elaine “Pat” Kavanagh Jan “Fighting” Cocks Mr Nima Mr Sai News Nikki “Victoria” Wines Pete The Feet The Bloke Who Owns Little Italy & Momas Willie These people were then marked by our panel of experts in four distinct areas of their lives: – Recognised Acts Of Human Kindness Appearance How Contemporary They Are Fun The results were shocking and yet predictable. Nikki Burton was the clear winner, having scored highly in every category, showing us all that the powerful do not have to be malicious as well. A few words should also be said on behalf of the other competitors. Willie did make a late run by getting his haircut and getting a new hat but at the end of the day the panel felt he was not giving enough. Bouix had scored well in the first round of voting but points were inevitably deducted after his ritual slaughter of Space Oddity at Pat Kavanagh’s open mike night. Moseley newcomer Mr Sai did exceptionally well and showed himself to be the one to watch in the future. We’d like all our readers to remember that these people are our betters and as such should be accorded the respect their power confers on them. If […]