Like all of us, you have a fascination with the olden days don’t you? You want to know what Moseley was like was before you were born, you want to hear about when it was “better”. So do we, so we decided to ask the only person that truly remembers how we used to live, Mr Allen from Allen’s Chicken and Chips. His business has been at the centre of Moseley since anyone can remember and we thought he might just have some tales to tell. EOM: Thank you for agreeing to talk to us, we hope you can help us readers to understand the changes that have happened in Moseley in the long years that you’ve been supplying people with Chicken and Chips. What’s your earliest memory? Mr Allen: Thank you, I’ve always worried that the rich tapestry of Moseley life that’s locked in my mind might get lost to future generations. I suppose my favourite recollection is the day that the first car came to Moseley. It was the Summer of 1919, the Great War had finished and there was a feeling of jubilation in the centre of Moseley. I can’t remember who brought the car to show us but I remember that Mr Nima was most excited to have a go, well when I say excited he was also a bit nervous. His personal physician had told him that the human body couldn’t survive at speeds beyond 23 mph. I remember his little face as […]
We miss Smokey’s. We miss the much loved shed where you could get a sausage cooked to perfection, you could read The Star with impunity and invariably there was a hungover builder boasting of how many grams of toot he’d managed to hoover up on a Tuesday night. For many years a landmark in our community, but as is the nature of progress no modern urban habitat, with aspirations of grandeur, can sanction its sole source of sausages coming from a shed. Inevitably Smokey’s past into history only to be replaced by…….what? What is that tiny building that sprang up to replace our sausage shed? It appears that the delay in bringing this site back into use is not completely down to the abysmal standard of building work. The decision to close Smokey’s sent shock waves throughout the upper echelons of Moseley’s great and good and it seems the Moseley Society were not going to take it lying down. In a fit of desperation they managed to get a covenant attached to the land that stipulates that all future businesses should also be called Smokey’s in order to preserve our heritage. This outlandish move has effectively frightened investors who can’t see what return they can make on a business with a predefined name. Until now that is. We can exclusively reveal that steps have been taken to raise funds to open the world’s smallest Smokey Robinson museum in the heart of Moseley. The genius behind this idea told […]
Until the more reactionary elements of our village took control Moseley was known for its vibrant prostitutes. In a calculated attempt at gentrification we ran them out of town and forced them to develop local revenue streams in Balsall Heath and even Sparkbrook. In an attempt to redress this curious imbalance some sort of artistic collective attempted to highlight the plight of local sex workers through its festival installation called “a dirty fork”. In very few ways it represents how Moseley society has evolved over a short period of time to shun the carnal wants of conference goers whilst still leaving a very real need for much valued entrepreneurs like Sensations. On the other hand it could just be someone just trying to sell us a garden fork. Sometimes the truth is so much more scary.
As the world marches inexorably towards war Moseley has been at the forefront of the international protest. Whilst many believe that opposing the destruction of the middle east is a moral stance it now appears that our actions have damned us in the eyes of our God. It’s many years since God popped down to St Columba’s Church but last week that’s exactly what he did. Many expected the Lord to heap praise on Moseley for it’s “right” thinking attitude and inovative traffic calming measures but he/she was actually quite pissed off. In a somewhat booming voice he told a rapt congregation “You disgust me, with your snivelling attempts to interpret my teachings. Did nobody tell you I’m a vengeful god? Did you not read the bible? Well let me tell you things are going to change round here. For starters, you can stop all this peace crap. Also are those railings outside new? I like them. A nice bit of iron that.” Members of the congregation left the church very confused. One told us “Well he certainly gave us something to think about. I might become a hindu.” The Moseley Society were last night meeting in closed session to discuss methods of making Moseley a less tolerent place thus avoiding our impending doom.
The company recently contracted to demolish the old Moseley Dance Centre, whilst retaining its Edwardian façade has overrun its mandate in a manner that spells doom for the quaint turn of the century atmosphere for which Moseley village has become so popular in recent years. DSM Demolition was yesterday refusing to answer or return calls from Eye On Moseley’s staff reporter. Less reserved in offering an opinion on the local tragedy was Roy Thomas from the Moseley Local History Society who described himself as “fucking apoplectic at the desecration of this valuable piece of Moseley’s heritage.” It is predicted that the loss of Moseley’s valued Edwardian shop frontages will spark an exodus from the once popular ‘village in the city centre’. The price of property is set to plummet and in response to this alarming trend a spokeswoman from Moseley Community Forum said that the Forum was already considering legal action against the demolition company. It is thought that this action would take the form of a joint petition for damages and loss of income brought by Moseley’s rich and famous who are set to lose millions as the bottom falls out of the Moseley property market. The list of petitioners is thought to read like a who’s who of Moseley society. Understandably Moseley Community Forum was reluctant to give further information as to whose interests it was actually acting in.
The opening of Party Magic in central Moseley is a very clear kick in the face to the moral majority that are currently proposing the implementation of a so called “Fun Free Zone”. The FFZ, as it has become known, will stretch across the High Street of Moseley and is intended to provide the Police with even greater powers. These augmented powers will allow the Police to detain anyone within the given area that they believe is enjoying themselves or looks like they are about to. Speaking to a member of the Moseley Society yesterday about these controversial plans we were told “It makes me sick. Just the other day I came out of the bank and over there on the Village green there was a small group of them and they were…. you know, smiling and laughing. It’s shameless. And not two weeks a go there was a bloody great bear dancing to some sort of electronic music” The opening of a party shop within this area is an obvious cause for concern. Direct parallels can be drawn to other areas that have similar problems such as street drinking. In these areas they don’t go encouraging pubs and off licences. Equally, Moseley that has been ravaged by the destructive effects of fun now appears to be condoning such anti social activities by supplying the paraphenalia that is associated with fun, such as fake noses and silly hats. A spokesperson for the police told us “Up until now we have […]
Many residents of Moseley will be pleased to hear that the very first (and hopefully annual) Moseley Dog Fight was a roaring success and raised nearly £200 for sick kiddies. The brainchild of the Moseley Society had initially been met with a great deal of scepticism but all who attended agreed that the sight of torn flesh and shattered bones was enough to win over even the most jaded individual. For the last few years the Moseley Society have been looking for new ways to engage with a wider section of the community whilst maintaining it’s reputation for generating money for needy causes. To this end it was decided that the usual jumble sale wasn’t really what the kids wanted. The late night Moseley fight-fest was held at an undisclosed location in downtown Moseley and was attended by numerous local dignitaries each keen to be seen supporting local initiatives. It goes without saying that such an event was inevitably going to attract dissenters and Moseley’s hippy brethren were more than vocal about their attitude to organised dog fighting. One told us afterwards “It was great I won a tenner on that little brown one, She’s a violent little bitch. I suppose it must be the metal teeth that do it.” The obvious legal ramifications associated with raising money for charity through animal cruelty were ably pointed out to us by the Moseley police who told us “At the end of the day it’s just good clean fun. Anyway it’s not […]
Moseley security analysts were placed on high alert today after it came to light that the bulletheads of Kings Heath could have a bomb in a matter of weeks. It’s official guys; we’re on defcon 2! A leaked report from the highest echelons of the emergency joint committee of Moseley Society, Moseley Traders Society, Moseley CDT and Jibbering Records states, “… due to the discovery of… atomic… material… being readily available… the only conclusion that we can draw is that those dumb twats up the road want to nuke our park.” The Moseley Wardens have been stationed on twenty-four hour watch from classroom C5 of Queensbridge School to watch of signs of an imminent missile attack. Herr Oberfuhrer Kim Monaghan of the Moseley Wardens said, “We’ve figured that if there is a launch, we’ll be able to give the good people of Moseley an eight second warning before impact. This should be enough time to say, something along the lines of “Oh Fuck!” at least. It’s a worthwhile, but thankless task.” P.C. Borg of The First Woodbridge Road Truncheon was seen issuing anti-nuclear umbrellas whilst muttering, “Shiny, shiny, shiny…” A spokesbullethead for Kings Heath is quoted as saying, “… the whole thing is absolutely preposterous. We think the idea of us nuking Moseley Park and Pool is utterly bizarre. We’ve got two perfectly decent parks of our own and whilst we may not have an icehouse and some rare ducks, we’ve got the T.V. Garden from T.V.’s Gardener’s World. Beat […]
The opening of the Elizabeth of York will finally see the conclusion of one of Moseley’s most controversial yet dull little episodes. The original plan to name the pub after one of Moseley’s most famous sons, J.R.R. Tolkein, appears now to have been nothing but a cunning ruse to make Moseley citizens drink more cheap beer. The cruel reality is that Moseley residents were tickled pink when they saw plans to open a pub named after Mr Tolkein as it allowed us to believe we actually had something that looked a bit like culture. In fact the clever Mr Wetherspoon recognised how gullible we were all along. We went to see Mr Wetherspoon and demanded an explanation for his duplicity, he told us “Oh you’re from Moseley are you? I’ve got a cow that shits gold you know. Do you want to buy it? Sorry I’ve heard how stupid you people are and you have to try don’t you?” And using the sort of tact that won over the Moseley Society he added, “Look, why do you Moseley people keep going on about fucking Tolkein all the time? You know he used to live in Hall Green don’t you? and to be honest it’s none of your business what I call my pub now fuck off out of my office.” Eye on Moseley is not scared by such vulgarity and tried to point out to Mr Wetherspoon that the good people of Moseley might well boycott his pub. Unfortunately he […]
Eye on Moseley has now been working on the cutting edge of Moseley journalism for two years, trying to bring you generally accurate information almost after it happens. So, as a special treat, we have decided to bring you exactly the same story that we ran in our first issue. The controversy surrounding the Wetherspoons pub has generally bored the tits off Moseley residents for two years, but the end might at last be in sight. Local magistrates recently granted the dull pub chain a license to open a pub in Moseley and that’s exactly what they are going to do. Sources close to the law told us that this hastily taken decision had nothing to do with the normal considerations in granting a license, but was purely designed to piss off the Moseley Society and hopefully stop their plaintive whinging. We spoke to the local Wetherspoons “Don” who told us, “We’re glad you all saw sense in the end it would have been a shame to have start breaking peoples legs. It’s going to be a total bonus to the area and will hopefully provide a place for the more mature customers to get into pissed up fights.” The decision is thought to have thrown the Moseley Society into turmoil. The Wetherspoons fight had been their sole focus since the last century and they now regard themselves much like a discarded trainer on top of a bus shelter. We understand they now intend to re-group and use their uniformed […]