Eye on Moseley

Until the more reactionary elements of our village took control Moseley was known for its vibrant prostitutes. In a calculated attempt at gentrification we ran them out of town and forced them to develop local revenue streams in Balsall Heath and even Sparkbrook.

In an attempt to redress this curious imbalance some sort of artistic collective attempted to highlight the plight of local sex workers through its festival installation called “a dirty fork”.

In very few ways it represents how Moseley society has evolved over a short period of time to shun the carnal wants of conference goers whilst still leaving a very real need for much valued entrepreneurs like Sensations. On the other hand it could just be someone just trying to sell us a garden fork.

Sometimes the truth is so much more scary.

The opening of Party Magic in central Moseley is a very clear kick in the face to the moral majority that are currently proposing the implementation of a so called “Fun Free Zone”. The FFZ, as it has become known, will stretch across the High Street of Moseley and is intended to provide the Police with even greater powers. These augmented powers will allow the Police to detain anyone within the given area that they believe is enjoying themselves or looks like they are about to.

Speaking to a member of the Moseley Society yesterday about these controversial plans we were told “It makes me sick. Just the other day I came out of the bank and over there on the Village green there was a small group of them and they were…. you know, smiling and laughing. It’s shameless. And not two weeks a go there was a bloody great bear dancing to some sort of electronic music”

The opening of a party shop within this area is an obvious cause for concern. Direct parallels can be drawn to other areas that have similar problems such as street drinking. In these areas they don’t go encouraging pubs and off licences. Equally, Moseley that has been ravaged by the destructive effects of fun now appears to be condoning such anti social activities by supplying the paraphenalia that is associated with fun, such as fake noses and silly hats.

A spokesperson for the police told us “Up until now we have seen people in central Moseley that have the beginnings of a smirk or a grin and we have been unable to do anything about it. With these new powers we will be able to clamp down on such activities before they get out of hand.”

In addition to these moves it has been suggested that some sort of “laughter house” be set up where really jolly people can go during the day and have a right old giggle without fear of arrest. Dependant on funding this may also be used to provide structured programmes where happy people are shown pictures of decapitated children and poorly dogs in order to get rid of the curse of frivolity.

Many residents of Moseley will be pleased to hear that the very first (and hopefully annual) Moseley Dog Fight was a roaring success and raised nearly £200 for sick kiddies. The brainchild of the Moseley Society had initially been met with a great deal of scepticism but all who attended agreed that the sight of torn flesh and shattered bones was enough to win over even the most jaded individual.

For the last few years the Moseley Society have been looking for new ways to engage with a wider section of the community whilst maintaining it’s reputation for generating money for needy causes. To this end it was decided that the usual jumble sale wasn’t really what the kids wanted.

The late night Moseley fight-fest was held at an undisclosed location in downtown Moseley and was attended by numerous local dignitaries each keen to be seen supporting local initiatives. It goes without saying that such an event was inevitably going to attract dissenters and Moseley’s hippy brethren were more than vocal about their attitude to organised dog fighting. One told us afterwards “It was great I won a tenner on that little brown one, She’s a violent little bitch. I suppose it must be the metal teeth that do it.”

The obvious legal ramifications associated with raising money for charity through animal cruelty were ably pointed out to us by the Moseley police who told us “At the end of the day it’s just good clean fun. Anyway it’s not like it’s really against the law. Well technically it is against the law but it’s one of those silly little laws. We say good luck to them and we’re hoping to enter one of our own dogs next year. We train them on real people you know.”

April saw the dawning of a new age for Moseley. Not only did it see the beginning of the new financial year but also the start of Mosley’s much heralded “Year Zero”.

The thorny issue of sponsorship has dogged the Moseley Society since it’s inception. The need for greater funds and a more vibrant image has forced members to look high and low for a sponsor that represents the culture and diversity that characterises Moseley. The search has not been easy.

A member of the society told us yesterday “We were originally approached by some sort of letting agency who agreed to have some signs made for us. I’ve got to admit I was never happy about it really. I ask you what are we trying to show here, that Moseley’s somewhere you can rent a house? You can do that anywhere. We needed to find a sponsor that makes us stand out from the more dull areas of Birmingham.”

“It was sometime in March it came to me. Me and the wife were watching The Killing Fields and I thought, hang on a minute that’s it. Just like Moseley in the late eighties the Khmer Rouge had a bit of an image problem. And just as Moseley rebuilt it’s high street so too did the Khmer Rouge. Obviously I’m not saying the Khmer Rouge built shopping centres, that would go against everything they stood for, but they did rebuild their image.”

Initial contacts with the Khmer Rouge proved to be successful and mutually beneficial relationship was forged. Though it must be said this agreement has not been without it’s critics. A member of the Moseley Society, who fears to be named in case they are accused of being counter revolutionary, told us “It’s sick, they’re a bunch of murdering scum, it won’t end in signs you know. Oh no.”

Our original source told us “Of course the liberal do-gooders don’t like the idea but they can’t see the bigger picture. The signs let people know where they are and the extra cash is going to come in handy for the war with Vietnam.”

Before we left the interview we were chillingly told “Er I’d take those glasses off before you go. You don’t want to get confused with one of those intellectuals, do you?”