World’s Tiniest Park Unvieled

25 06 2006

If Moseley wasn’t happy enough having one park that its residents aren’t allowed in then this weekend saw a big fat dose of joy.

We are now the proud owners of, officially, the smallest park in the world. Weighing in at roughly the size of a leaf or maybe a discarded thing the new Moseley Park provides a leisure opportunity for the more time challenged individual.

Many residents find the private park a chore because in a very real sense it involves some walking and a substantial amount of gate opening. The new park will allow people to have that true park going experience but without the inherent inconvenience.

A spokesperson for the Park and Pool committee might have told us “In these modern times people want to go to some sort of park without the inconvenience of actually going there. We’ve now created something that gives that authentic park experience at less than £30 a year. This isn’t a superficial publicity attempt to cover up the fact that we can’t put a sign up,”

We say “Fair play to them, a tiny park gives us all a chance to pretend we are giants and tread on tiny ducks without the fear of the usual revenge.”


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Duck and Cover

10 04 2006


Not wishing to be left out by the hype and panic surrounding so called Bird Flu the Moseley Park and Pool Committee have come up with a novel Easter treat for the boys and girls of Moseley. On Easter Sunday all parents are encouraged to bring their children to the private park where they will be able to gather duck eggs. In the afternoon all the eggs will be placed on a specially constructed stage where the combined children of Moseley will be made to jump up and down on them.

It is hoped that these measures will help to substantially cut down the duck population of the park. Those recent hatchlings that can’t be trodden under foot will be thrown to hungry dogs for added enjoyment. A spokesperson for the Park and Pool Committee told us yesterday “It is going to be a fun way to get children interested in infection control whilst reinforcing the strong Christian message of how Jesus (our lord and saviour) came out of a giant egg. Although we doubt the danger posed by sniffing ducks I’m only to pleased to see the back of them. I don’t like the way they look at me. I can tell they can see the things I’ve done.”

If you are not in favour of crushing ducklings then a small group will be gathering outside the park to shout “Murderers” at the children throughout Sunday afternoon.


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Pay Or You Go.

4 08 2005


We’ve all walked through the park on a sunny day, past the crowds of ganja smoking youngsters, and upon seeing a squirrel or bird thought “Aaaaah.”. Indeed most of us would probably think that having an abundance of animal and bird life would be a blessing,but wait…some regard these creatures with a much more critical and suspicious eye. Members of the Chantry Road Mafia and the Sandford Road Massive are tonight meeting to diuscuss the issue of non-payment of park subscription fees by wildlife.

A spokesperson explained : “Some would say that the birds and things have a inarguable right to be in the park, as it is their home, and we agree.We also believe that the park would not be the same place if we were forced to remove all wildlife.However, the park requires funds and these creatures are the greatest users of the park, and the only contingent of Moseley society allowed in “gratis”. They are also the ones who cause most damage and mess, and all the beasts in the park refuse to clean up their own excrement, even though bags are provided.

As a result, John the groundsman will be given the additional role of collecting subscriptions from all the inhabitants.” We questioned John the groundsman on whether or not this ruling would be enforceable and he said : “Absolutely yes. I have been working on a number of projects in my little shed, which will enable me to police the park in an effective manner. See here, I have created some natural gas powered bionic legs, which will enable me to keep up with any fee dodging rats or voles. And here I have created a cobweb powered jetpack, which will enable me to keep up with even the fastest squirrels and birds.”

We asked John how he planned on taking the money from hardened non-payers, who can be almost guaranteed to be without cash. He said : “If I find a fox or a jay that refuses to pay..ON ANY GROUNDS, I will take their tiny skulls and crush them between my thumb and forefinger. (at this point John became quite agitated and purple in the face, and removed his shirt). And as for squirrels, I will burn down their trees (shouting quite loud now, with an arterial vein pumping quite fast and visibly in the centre of his forehead) and stamp on their little baby squirrels and perform little squirrel hysterectomys, until they learn that IF YOU COME IN MY PARK YOU PAY YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN DUES.”

(At this point John threw over the table smashed a coffee cup on his own head and ran screaming into the park, wielding a large rake.)


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Tread Not Here Or Feel Real Fear!

4 08 2005


Anonymous labourers are digging themselves a hole that they will be very lucky to get out of in Moseley Park. These foolish workmen are at work on an
as yet unidentified project in a spooky, dis-used corner of the Park. What they don’t know yet is that the area remains unused and cordoned off because it is an ancient Vegan burial ground, used by members of the Sage Co-operative and blessed by the shamen at Zen.

Disturbing the bones of these ancient founders of Moseley is likely to bring a great cloud over Moseley and the dead will possibly rise and shamble round,maybe buying new clothes from the “new look” (…snigger…) Kwik Save. Whether or not anyone will notice this in mind of the recent tide of depraved scum filling the village, we don’t know, but we fear the worst. We asked Zen for comment and they said “…have you tried imbibing your own micturation, it’s very good for you and completely free…”, whilst Sage asked us if we’d “…tried an organic flapjack…”.


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Kings Heath “Could Have Bomb in Weeks!”

4 08 2005


Moseley security analysts were placed on high alert today after it came to light that the bulletheads of Kings Heath could have a bomb in a matter of weeks. It’s official guys; we’re on defcon 2!

A leaked report from the highest echelons of the emergency joint committee of Moseley Society, Moseley Traders Society, Moseley CDT and Jibbering Records states, “… due to the discovery of… atomic… material… being readily available… the only conclusion that we can draw is that those dumb twats up the road want to nuke our park.”

The Moseley Wardens have been stationed on twenty-four hour watch from classroom C5 of Queensbridge School to watch of signs of an imminent missile attack. Herr Oberfuhrer Kim Monaghan of the Moseley Wardens said, “We’ve figured that if there is a launch, we’ll be able to give the good people of Moseley an eight second warning before impact. This should be enough time to say, something along the lines of “Oh Fuck!” at least. It’s a worthwhile, but thankless task.”

P.C. Borg of The First Woodbridge Road Truncheon was seen issuing anti-nuclear umbrellas whilst muttering, “Shiny, shiny, shiny…”

A spokesbullethead for Kings Heath is quoted as saying, “… the whole thing is absolutely preposterous. We think the idea of us nuking Moseley Park and Pool is utterly bizarre. We’ve got two perfectly decent parks of our own and whilst we may not have an icehouse and some rare ducks, we’ve got the T.V. Garden from T.V.’s Gardener’s World. Beat that one hippies!”

The whole misunderstanding is thought to have arisen when some indie kids where overheard talking in Nima’s whilst purchasing a Hershey’s “Cookies and Cream” bar. It’s has been suggested that the whole incident was caused by much excitement and mirth at the sudden abundance of the Ned’s Atomic Dustbin back catalogue in Cash Converters. We wait for further reports from the Moseley Atomic Decontamination Organisation Nuclear Executive (MADONE) and will keep you updated.


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Chantry Road Menace Club!

4 08 2005

Sports fans of Moseley were recoiling in horror today from the news that Chantry Road tennis club, our purest bastion of local sporting achievement, is at the centre of a performance enhancing drug row!

This unsportsman-like turn of events began last week, when reports came in to the Eye offices that a cannabis plant (pictured)was being flagrantly grown in the front gardens of the clubhouse.

An Eye reporter agreed to go undercover in the shady world of the tennis club, to find out what’s really going on, and nothing has been heard from him in over a week. Before he disappeared he managed to convey a brief report from a meeting of the club’s elders.

This meeting was called to halt the slide of the club’s fortunes,and options being considered by the elders,other than drugs, were satanism, underground training camps for child tennis stars and solid-light holograms.

A spokesman from the club, wearing a beanie hat and “Dreddy” hooded top was seen coming out of hip new hemp store “Mulatto’s Leaf” and said, in a rather bleary-eyed and confused fashion,”Uhh…I’m not really too sure what you mean. Um…could you maybe come back at about mid-day or so? That’s a much better time for me.”


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A Pint In The Park?

4 08 2005


Do you want to drink heavily in the park? Well thanks to a shock decision by the Moseley Park and Pool committee you can. The committee has finally realised that Moseley runs on pubs and so called “good times” and as a result has decided to install a tiny pub in the centre of the park.

This revolutionary change of policy seems to have been spurred by the parks ever spiralling overdraft. Many Moseley residents see the park as a right, and as such they never bother to pay for their keys. This blatant abuse has meant that the park is very nearly broke. A spokesperson for the park told us yesterday “The committee has previously felt that its primary role is to stop people going into the park. Recently we’ve noticed that although this policy kept the park largely free of people it has meant that we’re now flat broke. So we had a meeting and decided to throw the gates open and make the place a haven of fun and enjoyment.”

The tiny pub really isn’t much more than a tiny shed that sells beer but in many ways that’s exactly what most pubs are. The decision had a typically surly reaction from the fun loving manager of the Goose “Why should I care? I don’t like people coming in my own pub so why should I give a toss who goes to the park? In fact you lot get out now.”

It has also caused consternation amongst Chantry Road residents who are concerned that their expensively purchased peace will be shattered by raucous laughter and merriment. In a surprisingly candid comment the pool committee just chuckled and said “fuck ‘em”.

Hopefully this will pave the way for a truly cracking Moseley festival. Plans are already a foot to install a permanent sound system and a marquee that can hold up to ten thousand drug fuelled maniacs. Things certainly have taken a turn for the surreal.


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Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


Oi Oi Moseley,
Long time no communicate. You may or may not have noticed that there has been no Eye On Moseley for some time now. That’s because we sold each and every last one of our readers e-mail addresses to large multi-national companies and fucked off on holiday on the proceeds. Only joking. Eye On Moseley is a strictly non-profit organisation which is why it only comes out when we can be bothered. Anyway…enough with the excuses and on with the comedy fun.

Or not.

I fear if I make my column (snigger snigger ) too much fun, it may break strict new anti-fun laws recently instigated by the shadowy council of elders who run Moseley. Hold on, you may be thinking, what the fuck are you talking about ? I only read this cruddy column (tee hee) to indulge my sociopathic and fascistic whims…so stop wittering and start bittering (you may be thinking). Well here’s what I mean.The place we live (Moseley) is controlled in no small way by a couple of different bodies of people, namely :

Moseley Park and Pool Society
The Moseley Forum
The Moseley Society
Moseley and District Churches Housing Association

These people are responsible for such things as stopping the Wetherspoons pub being opened, they are responsible for those horrible new “Welcome to Moseley : Officially Endorsed By Nicholas George” signs, they’re responsible for the $250,000 waste of space that is called the Village Green and last but by no means least they’re responsible for there being no music at the festival this year. That’s the one that’s really pissed me off. Basically what’s happened is that the Park and Pool people refused to convene a meeting to decide whether the festival should be allowed to go ahead, until some time in August, when it would have been too late to organise everything. This is due (apparently) to some curmudgeonly motherfuckers on Salisbury and Chantry Road (big surprise ) complaining about last years festival. The number of complaints is rumoured to be something in the order of three or four. For a festival attended by something like 1500 people, I would have thought that three or four complaints could quite reasonably be ignored or the offending wankers could be placated somehow. But apparently not. So now we get some sort of “family fun day”. I don’t have a fucking family so why the fuck would I want to go ? I somehow sense that this is the desired effect of this ruling. To keep people like me nicely out of the way, while all the beardy conservatives and their inbred spawn have their faces painted and buy yoghurt crisps.

To be honest, I absolutely hated all the music at all the festivals I went to. But that isn’t the point. It was a great focal point for Moseley, and if someone as anti-community as myself thinks that then I can’t be the only one who believes that. And as poor as some of the entertainment was (remember those performing arts people last year who did their modern dance routine…bless them) everyone I know always had an ace time at the festival. So, you may ask, what the fuck am I meant to do about it ? Do you want to do a petition ? Firebomb Chantry Road tennis club again ? Self-immolate at the “Fucking Family Fun Day” ? Yes. I personally would love to see all of those things happen, but I can’t actually endorse it officially. I just think that people should be aware that their fun is being restricted at a level they probably don’t even know exists.

Saying that, Eye On Moseley will be running some sort of high profile publicity stunt on the day, so if you spot us, why not join us in whatever it is were doing. Probably drinking heavily. Oh and why not join the Moseley e-mail list. It’s desperately boring most of the time, but a good source of information.

( Simon does not endorse seriousness. Next month there will be jokes about wanking. )


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Moseley Park and Fool

4 08 2005


When four local youths set off on a pleasant boat trip across Moseley Lake little did they realise the catalogue of horrors they were about to unleash. Thinking that such a trip would take maybe an hour or two they packed only the barest of provisions. A decision that cost two of the unlucky youngsters their very lives. One of the survivors told us in an exclusive interview “It was shortly after we set off that it all went horribly wrong. We’re not sure why it stopped, it might have been a big fish ramming the propeller, but it stopped. We could see land but as none of us could swim and I had me new trainers on so we thought we’d wait for help. When it started to get dark we began to get worried. Ray was panicking and shouting at the big houses on Chantry Road but they just couldn’t hear us…..they couldn’t hear us. We tried to use mobile phones but you can’t get any reception in Moseley, it was useless.”

After three days rescue came in the form of a local dog walker who waded out and pushed the boat to safety. Unfortunately it was too late for two of the group who died of fear.

A spokesman for local mobile phone provider Orange told us “Boats are an outmoded form of transport therefore this has nothing to do with us.”

Eye on Moseley says “Give us better mobile phone reception. Children are our future so how many more must die before action is taken?”


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Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


I thought that after the stale abortion that was last month’s column, maybe I should put more effort into my monthly tirade. It is hard to be inspired by one’s front room indefinitely, and writing something challenging each month was becoming more and more difficult.

To analogise: it was becoming like the bored antics of a tired husband, desperately summoning the energy to impale his bitter old spouse on his gnarly old cock, for about the millionth time in a dusty, loveless marriage. So, where did I look for inspiration? The park? The MAC? The broad-minded amongst you may even be thinking of the Lickey’s…or Wolverhampton. No. I went to Scotland. And here’s what I thought. I overcame my initial horror at having to be up at 7:45 AM … I got through the existential crisis that was the bus journey to the station. Surrounded by clench-jawed commuters, suppressing the stinking farts of a generation doomed to perpetual lobotomy through work. Warrington Bank Quay where my mind instantly schizmed upon arrival.

You see, you form an impression of the places you travel through on a train, based on those things you see around the train station. So Warrington is rain, rusty pipes, yellow-brown smoke and a pensioner in a lilac velour tracksuit, sporting a perfect blue rinse and Butcher-esque ear-ware, smoking Regals. FOREVER. Things cheered up a bit around Penrith, but no one got on or off. No one ever has. No one ever will. Penrith will be found one day, perfectly preserved in the tar pits which surround it. It will be a modern miracle like Pompeii. And still no-one will care. By the way…if anyone feels aggrieved, then feel free to e-mail us interesting facts about Penrith. The most interesting fact will win a fiver. In local currency. Which, I believe, is a form of baked pig-shit.

In fact it has just occurred to me that there is a definite regressive nature to this trip. Moseley exists in a sort of almost modern time-frame ( early 90′s anyway ), the City centre is just about in the 70′s, Warington B.Q is the 50′s and Penrith is the Stone Age. Which brings me to Scotland. Everyone should go. Charm the natives with gaudy baubles and glass beads. Or use fear to control them. I use fear. My favourite technique for controlling them is similar to the Walkman scene in Back To The Future. And I can already see the local girls, huddled in their huts, shalking with fear at the return of the “golden skinned one” and his mighty “boom stick”. It’s a bit like being in Moseley really.


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