It will come as some relief to Moseley residents to hear that the most recent meeting of the Kings Heath Forum agreed an ambitious programme of aid for their impoverished neighbours in B13. As Kings Heath gets national recognition for its resurgence they have begun to realise they owe us a debt of gratitude for pricing out the more interesting house buyers and pursuing business development plans that make Kings Heath a very attractive offer. Although a generous offer of support it isn’t without strings. With a typical nod to that Kings Heath sense of humour the package of aid will come in the form of a massive shiny penny that will be required to be displayed in the window of any one of our boarded up shops. The massive penny came with a note that just said:- “Get yourself something nice. Kings Heath” The scorn poured on us by our richer neighbours was all to obvious at recent a Kings Heath Forum meeting where the following could be only just heard above the quaffing of Champagne “They claim to be bohemian but have they got a man who pushes a monkey round in a push chair? No they haven’t, their only claim to eccentricity is man who’s only point of note is that he hasn’t got any fucking shoes.” A point well made.
As Moseley Folk Festival gets ever closer news has reached us that this years line up isn’t quite what the organisers would have wanted. We were all bemused when we saw the inclusion of Ocean Colour Scene on the bill and it seems the people who booked them were equally reluctant to include them. An anonymous representative of the Folk Festival told us “We know Moseley is possibly the last place in the country that wants to go through all that again, we were with you dancing in the street the day they caught the train down to London. There’s no place in Moseley for that Paul Weller lite bullshit anymore, but it’s the Forum, they made us book them or there would be no more Folk Festival. They’ve got this crazy idea that everything was better in the ’90s so if we get Ocean Colour Scene back then it will all be OK again.” We approached the Moseley Forum who told us “Yeah, what are you going to do about it?” It seems that it isn’t due to end there. The Forum have put together an ambitious range of local legislation to restore Moseley’s pride. The principle point of this is that any future alcohol licenses will only be granted if customers are compelled to wear Inspiral Carpets T shirt. This will not only remind people of how great the ’90s were but it will also stop girls with short skirts puking on the curbs and […]
The news that the popular Digbeth pub, the Rainbow could be forced to shut its doors forever was greeted yesterday with typical liberal hand-wringing. Whilst most people think the closure results form the parochial actions of a sonically challenged buffoon, our investigations have proved otherwise. It has long been known that the ascendancy of Digbeth as a cultural destination has irritated the great and good of Moseley. What remained secret until now is that those which shape policy in Moseley sought a more permanent solution. We understand that an operation by the paramilitary wing of the Moseley Society has attempted to destroy Digbeth from the inside. A representative of the Moseley Society told us “We hate Digbeth, we hate the way it’s stolen our cultural identity. We hate the way people say ooooh Digbeth, it’s got a factory made out of custard and ooooh Digbeth it’s got a pub shaped like a dog. No, it’s just a road full of sheds and it’s about time someone exposed this fraudulent district for what it really is. It’s even got a website to tell people about things in Digbeth? How sad is that? These people should get a proper job like being a Social Worker or organic farming.” It appears, that fearing the rise of Digbeth, the Moseley Society sent one of its own to live amongst the creative industries, with mischief in his heart. For nearly two years this selfless individual lived within easy access of the City Centre and calculated […]
With election fever gripping Moseley like an angry parents hands round a child’s throat it was inevitable that matters should eventually lurch into the surreal. Preposterous rumours of marauding gangs of skinhead bikers, er marauding, has provoked the Moseley Forum to rethink it’s security arrangements for tonights hustings. The Moseley Forum recently took a principled stance that as part of the hustings it did not really want to hear the racist ranting of the BNP. This prompted an outcry from some local racists and spawned unsubstantiated rumours that Moseley was being targeted by the far right bikers. Given the situation the only reasonable step the Forum could take was to employ a lone crusader for justice to ensure the safety and security of all of us. After due consideration an approach was made to the Knight Foundation to request their help. They have a vast experience of combating out of control biker gangs in small town America and their skills are directly applicable to our dire situation. A spokesperson for the Knight Foundation told us this morning “Michael and Kitt are pleased to be able to help out the people of Moseley and also strongly support the building of the ent on the village green as it is a clear sign of both class and quality. Whilst in Moseley they will also resolve a dispute at Billesley Allotments between a local ranch owner who is starving melon farmers of water. It’s all in a days work.” It is clear that […]
An unseemly row seems to have broken out between the residents of Kings Heath, Moseley and Balsall Heath as a result of the recent opening of the “Corridor of Death” (please note nobody actually died). Residents of the various areas are up in arms concerning who actually suffered the most damage. The Moseley Forum shouted at us “Kings Heath? Are you having a laugh? A crap bakers and an old church isn’t real damage. Have you seen the weather hell that we lived through? Have you walked Oxford Road? You certainly can’t drive down it.” The Balsall Heath Forum has been incensed by these baseless accusations. They responded in an irritated tone “How many houses were destroyed in Moseley? I’ll tell you, none, well certainly not more than five. We don’t have many left.” Police are now concerned that residents are taking matters into their own hands to provide further evidence of destruction. A spokesman told us “We are worried that certain groups of residents are actually causing more damage in a surreal tit for tat spat over who suffered the most damage. There have been reports of chainsaw wielding Moseleyites taking to the streets in the dead of night to cut even more trees down. This has to stop. Not only is it dangerous but it is also particularly silly”. The havoc caused by natures clear disgust with the people of South Birmingham is not entirely bad news. A spokesman for Birmingham City Council told us “The one good […]
The despicable practice of racing old gentlemen down the Alcester Road now appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Every morning hordes of the elderly can be seen puffing their way down the hill, each striving to have the accolade of the first to Select and Save. The horrifying consequence of this unseemly behaviour is that some have been seen to beat their way through the crowds of children gathered outside King David’s School. It appears that the original idea for competitive geriatric racing was the brainchild of the Highbury Nursing Home. A representative of the home told us this morning “Everyone knows what a horrible burden the elderly are on the rest of us. What with their lack of adequate pension schemes and obsession with boiled sweets. We see this as a way of not only harnessing their limited energy but also giving them something meaningful to fill their days with.” Some have criticised the home for not employing appropriate safeguards for the saintly old souls. The home defended it’s position in a further statement “It is true, that last year the starting pistol gave old Tom a bit of a flashback to his time in Dunkirk but to be fair he’s unlikely to ever see the sea again so there was no real harm done.” The Moseley Forum are now looking into the viability of erecting large cushioned barriers outside of the Salisbury in order to catch any errant gents that cannot address their pace. Some say this might […]
The perennial problem of how to prevent unwanted visitors to Moseley now seems to have been resolved. The initial plan to make Moseley generally unattractive through banning fun and stopping businesses opening appears to have been largely unsuccessful. A simpler solution was needed. The finest brains of Moseley have been working on a more imaginative deterrent for nearly two months. It has been felt that the banning of alcohol in the centre of Moseley may get rid of one or two street drinkers but it’s not really going to stop the majority of unwanted visitors. The elegant solution chosen by the great and good is a simple sign that tells people that we just don’t want them. A spokesperson for the Moseley Forum announced at the unveiling ceremony “As I’m sure you are aware, sometimes you can’t walk through central without bumping into literally tens of people who simply don’t have a right to be here. They come here with their money and big ideas about buying things from shops and to be honest it’s irritating. But now, as they enter Moseley, they will be met by this beautiful sign that tells them exactly what we want them to do.” It is thought that based on this succes, a series of signs in a variety of languages and braille will prevent a sudden influx of foreigners and the disabled.
The company recently contracted to demolish the old Moseley Dance Centre, whilst retaining its Edwardian façade has overrun its mandate in a manner that spells doom for the quaint turn of the century atmosphere for which Moseley village has become so popular in recent years. DSM Demolition was yesterday refusing to answer or return calls from Eye On Moseley’s staff reporter. Less reserved in offering an opinion on the local tragedy was Roy Thomas from the Moseley Local History Society who described himself as “fucking apoplectic at the desecration of this valuable piece of Moseley’s heritage.” It is predicted that the loss of Moseley’s valued Edwardian shop frontages will spark an exodus from the once popular ‘village in the city centre’. The price of property is set to plummet and in response to this alarming trend a spokeswoman from Moseley Community Forum said that the Forum was already considering legal action against the demolition company. It is thought that this action would take the form of a joint petition for damages and loss of income brought by Moseley’s rich and famous who are set to lose millions as the bottom falls out of the Moseley property market. The list of petitioners is thought to read like a who’s who of Moseley society. Understandably Moseley Community Forum was reluctant to give further information as to whose interests it was actually acting in.
Terror hit the West Midlands last night as Moseley was shaken to it’s very core by a devastating earthquake. Many residents sat bolt upright in bed and said things like “What was that?” as they were gripped by the phenomenon that is already been written into local folklore as “Ol’ Shakey”. The extensive damage sustained involved some plants falling on their sides and even a shed on Sandford Road that is now showing a distinct list. The Moseley Forum has called on all residents to pull together and go round and see old people and stuff. In a hastily convened press conference this morning a spokesperson for the Forum said “We can all thank god that it wasn’t much much worse. But at the end of the day, now is the time for the people of Armenia and India to put their money where their mouth is and cough up the cash we need to rebuild out tattered community. Although we might not have suffered much visible damage the on-going ramifications of this disaster are almost incalculable. For example Mr Sai found it very difficult to get back to sleep last night and as a result some people were unable to buy a paper this morning. So we, the Moseley Forum, say to the people of the third world, get your hands in your pockets and give us what’s due. I thank you.” It is believed that a disaster special edition of B13 magazine will be in the shops by […]
Oi Oi Moseley, Long time no communicate. You may or may not have noticed that there has been no Eye On Moseley for some time now. That’s because we sold each and every last one of our readers e-mail addresses to large multi-national companies and fucked off on holiday on the proceeds. Only joking. Eye On Moseley is a strictly non-profit organisation which is why it only comes out when we can be bothered. Anyway…enough with the excuses and on with the comedy fun. Or not. I fear if I make my column (snigger snigger ) too much fun, it may break strict new anti-fun laws recently instigated by the shadowy council of elders who run Moseley. Hold on, you may be thinking, what the fuck are you talking about ? I only read this cruddy column (tee hee) to indulge my sociopathic and fascistic whims…so stop wittering and start bittering (you may be thinking). Well here’s what I mean.The place we live (Moseley) is controlled in no small way by a couple of different bodies of people, namely : Moseley Park and Pool Society The Moseley Forum The Moseley Society Moseley and District Churches Housing Association These people are responsible for such things as stopping the Wetherspoons pub being opened, they are responsible for those horrible new “Welcome to Moseley : Officially Endorsed By Nicholas George” signs, they’re responsible for the $250,000 waste of space that is called the Village Green and last but by no means least they’re […]