Rigged-beth

20 02 2009

digbethThe news that the popular Digbeth pub, the Rainbow could be forced to shut its doors forever was greeted yesterday with typical liberal hand-wringing. Whilst most people think the closure results form the parochial actions of a sonically challenged buffoon, our investigations have proved otherwise.

It has long been known that the ascendancy of Digbeth as a cultural destination has irritated the great and good of Moseley. What remained secret until now is that those which shape policy in Moseley sought a more permanent solution. We understand that an operation by the paramilitary wing of the Moseley Society has attempted to destroy Digbeth from the inside.

A representative of the Moseley Society told us “We hate Digbeth, we hate the way it’s stolen our cultural identity. We hate the way people say ooooh Digbeth, it’s got a factory made out of custard and ooooh Digbeth it’s got a pub shaped like a dog. No, it’s just a road full of sheds and it’s about time someone exposed this fraudulent district for what it really is. It’s even got a website to tell people about things in Digbeth? How sad is that? These people should get a proper job like being a Social Worker or organic farming.”

It appears, that fearing the rise of Digbeth, the Moseley Society sent one of its own to live amongst the creative industries, with mischief in his heart. For nearly two years this selfless individual lived within easy access of the City Centre and calculated the best way to slap them down.

Under the condition of anonymity he explained his crazy plan,  “I knew they liked that music and I knew that’s how we would stop them. Quite often I would sit there in my reasonably priced yet modern flat giggling as I made spurious complaints to environmental health. They made it easy, sometimes I just held the phone next to my stereo and they believed every word. They even believed that Tina Turner was playing to a stadium crowd in the beer garden of the Spotted Dog. Tina Turner died three years ago, the idiots.”

Such selfless devotion to Moseley has obviously taken its toll. He whimpered to us “You know, round here you can just get served in pub. You don’t have to wait. Oh and people are friendly and culturally diverse…………. I miss Moseley. Tell me about the sights. Does the Crafty Jungle still sell cushions?”

We didn’t have the heart to tell him.


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Knight vs Right

25 04 2006


With election fever gripping Moseley like an angry parents hands round a child’s throat it was inevitable that matters should eventually lurch into the surreal. Preposterous rumours of marauding gangs of skinhead bikers, er marauding, has provoked the Moseley Forum to rethink it’s security arrangements for tonights hustings.

The Moseley Forum recently took a principled stance that as part of the hustings it did not really want to hear the racist ranting of the BNP. This prompted an outcry from some local racists and spawned unsubstantiated rumours that Moseley was being targeted by the far right bikers.

Given the situation the only reasonable step the Forum could take was to employ a lone crusader for justice to ensure the safety and security of all of us. After due consideration an approach was made to the Knight Foundation to request their help. They have a vast experience of combating out of control biker gangs in small town America and their skills are directly applicable to our dire situation. A spokesperson for the Knight Foundation told us this morning “Michael and Kitt are pleased to be able to help out the people of Moseley and also strongly support the building of the ent on the village green as it is a clear sign of both class and quality. Whilst in Moseley they will also resolve a dispute at Billesley Allotments between a local ranch owner who is starving melon farmers of water. It’s all in a days work.”

It is clear that asking fictional TV characters from the late 80s to provide security is nothing but a slap in the face for the local police. A police representative scoffed to us “I don’t think it’s very likely really. Can one man make a difference?”

The hustings will take place at Moseley CDT tonight and will be followed by an audience with David Hasselhoff where he will explain how popular he is in Eastern Europe and how Baywatch isn’t just about the tits.

For those who couldn’t really give a toss just stay in, watch the football and vote for Stu Masters as he’s a nice bloke and his party haven’t invaded anyone.


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Twist and Shout

5 08 2005


An unseemly row seems to have broken out between the residents of Kings Heath, Moseley and Balsall Heath as a result of the recent opening of the “Corridor of Death” (please note nobody actually died). Residents of the various areas are up in arms concerning who actually suffered the most damage.

The Moseley Forum shouted at us “Kings Heath? Are you having a laugh? A crap bakers and an old church isn’t real damage. Have you seen the weather hell that we lived through? Have you walked Oxford Road? You certainly can’t drive down it.”

The Balsall Heath Forum has been incensed by these baseless accusations. They responded in an irritated tone “How many houses were destroyed in Moseley? I’ll tell you, none, well certainly not more than five. We don’t have many left.”

Police are now concerned that residents are taking matters into their own hands to provide further evidence of destruction. A spokesman told us “We are worried that certain groups of residents are actually causing more damage in a surreal tit for tat spat over who suffered the most damage. There have been reports of chainsaw wielding Moseleyites taking to the streets in the dead of night to cut even more trees down. This has to stop. Not only is it dangerous but it is also particularly silly”.

The havoc caused by natures clear disgust with the people of South Birmingham is not entirely bad news. A spokesman for Birmingham City Council told us “The one good thing about this is that it proves that our emergency plan is truly effective against extreme whether events. Some laughed at us when we inserted the Tornado clause into paragraph 4 but they are not laughing now.”

Paragraph 4 of the emergency plan states:-

“In the event of such an event as a Tornado, or any other form of mighty wind, the Police shall be given such powers as to instruct the event to desist causing much more damage and leave the area immediately”

As the emergency gathered pace it seems that the Police did issue such an order and greater catastrophe was avoided.

The Council spokesman continued “This is clear evidence of the great steps the ruling Conservative leadership have taken in managing this great city. If the Labour party were still in power this Tornado could have gone as far as Yardley. In fact if it was down to those bastards it probably would have started in Yardley.”

The residents of Small Heath have not been dragged into this strangest of arguments as some estimate that as a result of the Tornado some property values have increased by as much as 20% (©That old joke that was emailed to all South Birmingham residents on Friday morning)


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Old Man River

4 08 2005


The despicable practice of racing old gentlemen down the Alcester Road now appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Every morning hordes of the elderly can be seen puffing their way down the hill, each striving to have the accolade of the first to Select and Save. The horrifying consequence of this unseemly behaviour is that some have been seen to beat their way through the crowds of children gathered outside King David’s School.

It appears that the original idea for competitive geriatric racing was the brainchild of the Highbury Nursing Home. A representative of the home told us this morning “Everyone knows what a horrible burden the elderly are on the rest of us. What with their lack of adequate pension schemes and obsession with boiled sweets. We see this as a way of not only harnessing their limited energy but also giving them something meaningful to fill their days with.” Some have criticised the home for not employing appropriate safeguards for the saintly old souls. The home defended it’s position in a further statement “It is true, that last year the starting pistol gave old Tom a bit of a flashback to his time in Dunkirk but to be fair he’s unlikely to ever see the sea again so there was no real harm done.”

The Moseley Forum are now looking into the viability of erecting large cushioned barriers outside of the Salisbury in order to catch any errant gents that cannot address their pace. Some say this might be a bit of a waste of money but they’re still doing it.

We decided to ask one of the enfeebled athletes for their views. Although largely gibberish it certainly does fill up space “In my day…… killed a Jerry with my bare hands……….they build big walls in their gardens you know……didn’t know what an apple was but we all had rickets.”


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Sign Of Things To Come

4 08 2005


The perennial problem of how to prevent unwanted visitors to Moseley now seems to have been resolved. The initial plan to make Moseley generally unattractive through banning fun and stopping businesses opening appears to have been largely unsuccessful. A simpler solution was needed.

The finest brains of Moseley have been working on a more imaginative deterrent for nearly two months. It has been felt that the banning of alcohol in the centre of Moseley may get rid of one or two street drinkers but it’s not really going to stop the majority of unwanted visitors. The elegant solution chosen by the great and good is a simple sign that tells people that we just don’t want them.

A spokesperson for the Moseley Forum announced at the unveiling ceremony “As I’m sure you are aware, sometimes you can’t walk through central without bumping into literally tens of people who simply don’t have a right to be here. They come here with their money and big ideas about buying things from shops and to be honest it’s irritating. But now, as they enter Moseley, they will be met by this beautiful sign that tells them exactly what we want them to do.”

It is thought that based on this succes, a series of signs in a variety of languages and braille will prevent a sudden influx of foreigners and the disabled.


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Façade Retention Company Suffers Prolapse

4 08 2005


The company recently contracted to demolish the old Moseley Dance Centre, whilst retaining its Edwardian façade has overrun its mandate in a manner that spells doom for the quaint turn of the century atmosphere for which Moseley village has become so popular in recent years.

DSM Demolition was yesterday refusing to answer or return calls from Eye On Moseley’s staff reporter. Less reserved in offering an opinion on the local tragedy was Roy Thomas from the Moseley Local History Society who described himself as “fucking apoplectic at the desecration of this valuable piece of Moseley’s heritage.”

It is predicted that the loss of Moseley’s valued Edwardian shop frontages will spark an exodus from the once popular ‘village in the city centre’. The price of property is set to plummet and in response to this alarming trend a spokeswoman from Moseley Community Forum said that the Forum was already considering legal action against the demolition company.

It is thought that this action would take the form of a joint petition for damages and loss of income brought by Moseley’s rich and famous who are set to lose millions as the bottom falls out of the Moseley property market. The list of petitioners is thought to read like a who’s who of Moseley society. Understandably Moseley Community Forum was reluctant to give further information as to whose interests it was actually acting in.


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Appetite For Destruction

4 08 2005


Terror hit the West Midlands last night as Moseley was shaken to it’s very core by a devastating earthquake. Many residents sat bolt upright in bed and said things like “What was that?” as they were gripped by the phenomenon that is already been written into local folklore as “Ol’ Shakey”.

The extensive damage sustained involved some plants falling on their sides and even a shed on Sandford Road that is now showing a distinct list. The Moseley Forum has called on all residents to pull together and go round and see old people and stuff.

In a hastily convened press conference this morning a spokesperson for the Forum said “We can all thank god that it wasn’t much much worse. But at the end of the day, now is the time for the people of Armenia and India to put their money where their mouth is and cough up the cash we need to rebuild out tattered community. Although we might not have suffered much visible damage the on-going ramifications of this disaster are almost incalculable. For example Mr Sai found it very difficult to get back to sleep last night and as a result some people were unable to buy a paper this morning. So we, the Moseley Forum, say to the people of the third world, get your hands in your pockets and give us what’s due. I thank you.”

It is believed that a disaster special edition of B13 magazine will be in the shops by Wednesday and will feature a new editor, interviews with the rescue services and exclusive pictures of builders trying to fix the shed. All this and the usual features about gardens and “lady vicars” that we all know and love.

On a lighter note, it was a relief to see that Moseley’s Civil Defence Contingency worked like a dream. Notable Moseley celebrities such as Mr Nima and Councillor Bryan Knott were taken to a secure location where they would be able to maintain continuity of local government in case of total civil collapse. Though unfortunately before the limited scale of the shock was realised, Martin Mullaney had already volunteered to be beheaded and his head cryogenically frozen in order to protect treasured memories of Moseley as was. Doctors are expected to try and thaw him out and put him back together again later today.


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Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


Oi Oi Moseley,
Long time no communicate. You may or may not have noticed that there has been no Eye On Moseley for some time now. That’s because we sold each and every last one of our readers e-mail addresses to large multi-national companies and fucked off on holiday on the proceeds. Only joking. Eye On Moseley is a strictly non-profit organisation which is why it only comes out when we can be bothered. Anyway…enough with the excuses and on with the comedy fun.

Or not.

I fear if I make my column (snigger snigger ) too much fun, it may break strict new anti-fun laws recently instigated by the shadowy council of elders who run Moseley. Hold on, you may be thinking, what the fuck are you talking about ? I only read this cruddy column (tee hee) to indulge my sociopathic and fascistic whims…so stop wittering and start bittering (you may be thinking). Well here’s what I mean.The place we live (Moseley) is controlled in no small way by a couple of different bodies of people, namely :

Moseley Park and Pool Society
The Moseley Forum
The Moseley Society
Moseley and District Churches Housing Association

These people are responsible for such things as stopping the Wetherspoons pub being opened, they are responsible for those horrible new “Welcome to Moseley : Officially Endorsed By Nicholas George” signs, they’re responsible for the $250,000 waste of space that is called the Village Green and last but by no means least they’re responsible for there being no music at the festival this year. That’s the one that’s really pissed me off. Basically what’s happened is that the Park and Pool people refused to convene a meeting to decide whether the festival should be allowed to go ahead, until some time in August, when it would have been too late to organise everything. This is due (apparently) to some curmudgeonly motherfuckers on Salisbury and Chantry Road (big surprise ) complaining about last years festival. The number of complaints is rumoured to be something in the order of three or four. For a festival attended by something like 1500 people, I would have thought that three or four complaints could quite reasonably be ignored or the offending wankers could be placated somehow. But apparently not. So now we get some sort of “family fun day”. I don’t have a fucking family so why the fuck would I want to go ? I somehow sense that this is the desired effect of this ruling. To keep people like me nicely out of the way, while all the beardy conservatives and their inbred spawn have their faces painted and buy yoghurt crisps.

To be honest, I absolutely hated all the music at all the festivals I went to. But that isn’t the point. It was a great focal point for Moseley, and if someone as anti-community as myself thinks that then I can’t be the only one who believes that. And as poor as some of the entertainment was (remember those performing arts people last year who did their modern dance routine…bless them) everyone I know always had an ace time at the festival. So, you may ask, what the fuck am I meant to do about it ? Do you want to do a petition ? Firebomb Chantry Road tennis club again ? Self-immolate at the “Fucking Family Fun Day” ? Yes. I personally would love to see all of those things happen, but I can’t actually endorse it officially. I just think that people should be aware that their fun is being restricted at a level they probably don’t even know exists.

Saying that, Eye On Moseley will be running some sort of high profile publicity stunt on the day, so if you spot us, why not join us in whatever it is were doing. Probably drinking heavily. Oh and why not join the Moseley e-mail list. It’s desperately boring most of the time, but a good source of information.

( Simon does not endorse seriousness. Next month there will be jokes about wanking. )


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St. Martin of Mullaney

4 08 2005


In a desperate bid to gain more credence with young people, the Catholic Church last week announced a radical restructuring of services. It has long realised that it’s outmoded reliance on intransigent dogma was not exactly “happening”, and in an attempt to get more “with it” it has contracted out the canonisation process to external contractors.

The surprise winners of the hotly contended tender were the South Birmingham Liberal Party. Recognised for their deep-rooted understanding of youth culture, the Liberal party were seen as the only organisation that could once again attract young people back to the church. Through a rigorous process of appointments the party hopes to select new saints that reflect the cut and thrust of a truly ecumenical society.

The new “Devils Advocate” Councillor John Hemming never had any doubt who his first appointment would be “When we looked at the candidates there was no real choice it had to be Martin. Some of the work he’s done with the Moseley Forum has been a miracle easily comparable with the raising of Lazarus from the dead.”

St Martin of Mullaney, as he has chosen to be called, has promised that his newfound place at the right hand of God will not go to his head. He wryly told us “After working with Councillor Hemmings I reckon God’s going to be a doddle.”


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Release The Hounds

4 08 2005


The increasing problem of homelessness is a concern for residents of Moseley and demands a radical solution. A recent meeting of the plethora of forums and societies that make up Moseley Village seem to have finally found a solution.

The solution, uncovered by Eye on Moseley, was hidden in an obscure item on the agenda of the last Moseley Forum meeting. The section cryptically labelled “Project A” proposes that anyone that “doesn’t look right” be rounded up with wild dogs and cut down with scythes.

Amazingly the motion was passed and tenders for adequate disposal sites were invited. The sinister “House of Death” on Alcester Road easily outbid competition from O’Neils and Little Italy and wasawarded the contract. The dying screams of recent visitors is said to irritate local residents but the heat from the pyres has provided a cheap source of heating for St David’s Primary School.


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