Once again Moseley threw open it’s doors to show the people of Birmingham that we really know how to party. This years street fair saw the usual heady cocktail of junk that people found in their lofts and questionable political agendas. Using the patented Eye on Moseley quality indicator we have attempted to prove whether it really “wasn’t as good as last year”. Our calculations show that with an increase of visitor numbers of 7%, an improved weather indices of 4% but no dancing bear in real terms the street fair was approximately 2.25% worse than in previous years. No, real cause for concern but this decline can be halted through careful thought and massaging the figures. Even if you were to totally ignore our pseudo scientific analysis it is the visitors themselves that best sum up the day. One lady that had come from as far away as Erdington told us “I came to find out about the inherent problems caused by the inexorable march of global capitalism. I didn’t expect to able to buy a lovely cushion as well.”
Anyone who’s anyone is talking about the crazy street fair on Saturday, organised and run, as you know, by Eye On Moseley with help from “the team” at the Green Party. The event was a huge success…apart from starting an hour and a quarter late…letting off the fireworks too early and cocking up the unveiling of the bear. Once underway though it went splendidly, with what some described as a “carnival” atmosphere. Little did they know that the dancing bear in the window was a real bear! Yes, having tired of dressing up in childish costumes, we imported a real life angry Russian bear and chained it to the window frame and spent the whole day cattle prodding it to make it “dance”. One child was so impressed that she drew the following picture. Obviously it’s a rubbish representation of the actual event, but she was only three, so we told her it was “alright”. So many thanks for your support (waving etc..), and thanks to the droves of people who logged on to the site to look at the same stories that have been there for a month or so. We’re proud of you Moseley, you keep the fun alive and the King’s Heathens at bay. As for anyone who thought it was too loud (all three of you)the bear has a message for you…”The next time I see any of you, I’m going to shit up your nose.”
When Moseley Festival arrives, the people of Moseley can think of only one thing: joy. All year round Mothers tell their children of stalls of crap that line the streets as far as the eye can see. Tales of farmers selling meat and bread, local anarchists handing out leaflets about the imminent threat of globalisation and Buddhists worshipping Buddha. Unfortunately this years festival was ruined by local malcontents working very much to their own agenda. A local so called “satirical” web site attempted to hijack this year’s festival by playing what could only be called, “noise” at unsuspecting passers by and dressing up as, of all things, a tiger. This shameless publicity stunt had nothing to do with community relations and everything to do with childish back-slapping. A local resident told us “Christ! Look up there! It’s a fucking tiger! What’s that doing?” Insiders told us that this disgusting act of self promotion was merely an attempt to get people to read their “dodgy” web site. We suspect an ulterior motive. These people have spent the last year or so slagging off the fine work done by the community groups of Moseley and we think it’s because they’re only after real power themselves. They must be stopped and we the people of Moseley must be the ones to stop them. Don’t read their web site. Don’t laugh at their puerile antics and definitely don’t go to any more of their parties. One concerned by-stander put it better than we ever […]
Oi Oi Moseley, Long time no communicate. You may or may not have noticed that there has been no Eye On Moseley for some time now. That’s because we sold each and every last one of our readers e-mail addresses to large multi-national companies and fucked off on holiday on the proceeds. Only joking. Eye On Moseley is a strictly non-profit organisation which is why it only comes out when we can be bothered. Anyway…enough with the excuses and on with the comedy fun. Or not. I fear if I make my column (snigger snigger ) too much fun, it may break strict new anti-fun laws recently instigated by the shadowy council of elders who run Moseley. Hold on, you may be thinking, what the fuck are you talking about ? I only read this cruddy column (tee hee) to indulge my sociopathic and fascistic whims…so stop wittering and start bittering (you may be thinking). Well here’s what I mean.The place we live (Moseley) is controlled in no small way by a couple of different bodies of people, namely : Moseley Park and Pool Society The Moseley Forum The Moseley Society Moseley and District Churches Housing Association These people are responsible for such things as stopping the Wetherspoons pub being opened, they are responsible for those horrible new “Welcome to Moseley : Officially Endorsed By Nicholas George” signs, they’re responsible for the $250,000 waste of space that is called the Village Green and last but by no means least they’re […]
The continued tensions between the Sandford Road Massive and the Chantry Road Mafia recently resulted in more violence in central Moseley. The two groups have harboured mutual resentment since early April when the Sandford Road Massive began tearing up and down Chantry Road on skateboards taunting local residents large houses. A Chantry Road resident told us “It’s juvenile, we know we’ve got big houses, there’s no need to rub it in.” Matters escalated shortly before the Moseley festival. Sandford Road resident John Sunday was sitting on the village green with some friends when he was set upon by the Chantry Road Mafia. He told us “I was minding my own business when these people started dissing my bitch. I don’t stand for that.” The resulting clash with machetes left three residents in hospital and a large cleaning bill for Birmingham City Council. Emergency measures were taken to clean the blood from the streets. Council officials told us “With the festival imminent steps had to be taken. We realised the eyes of the world would be on Moseley over the bank holiday weekend and we couldn’t let extreme acts of violence deter the crowds.” In a sickening revenge attack the Sandford Road Massive attempted to “torch” the Chantry Road tennis club on the morning of the festival. A representative of the Massive told us “They’re so smug with their tennis club and they’re whiter than white….er whites. It’s time they felt the cold hand of vengeance.” The inferno was swiftly put […]
Moseley was brought to a sudden and grinding halt on Tuesday by a deadly snow fall. One eye witness said “It was like it was falling from the sky.” Many people have wondered why we were singled out for this, the most bizarre of weather conditions. One theory proposes that the freak weather is linked to the closure of had a good thing going there.” Somewhat weirdly God is not happy that Moseley did not embrace this home of good honest Christian cooking. What is already being dubbed by local residents as the snow plague is set to be only the beginning of a season of mischeif by the almighty. Come Summer we can expect a plague of street drinkers wielding bottles of Cider. A local vicar told us “Only he knows what will happen after that, though I can assure you the Mosleley festival is going to be a right laugh.” He also added with a wink “Do you like frogs?” Local residents were in panic yesterday when they realised that supplies of lentils were getting dangerously low. Though by Wednesday morning all the snow had melted and we began to wonder what everyone was worrying about. In unconnected news God fearing Harborne had temperatures in the eighties after the news that a new Christian based youth theatre was to open.