Knight vs Right

25 04 2006


With election fever gripping Moseley like an angry parents hands round a child’s throat it was inevitable that matters should eventually lurch into the surreal. Preposterous rumours of marauding gangs of skinhead bikers, er marauding, has provoked the Moseley Forum to rethink it’s security arrangements for tonights hustings.

The Moseley Forum recently took a principled stance that as part of the hustings it did not really want to hear the racist ranting of the BNP. This prompted an outcry from some local racists and spawned unsubstantiated rumours that Moseley was being targeted by the far right bikers.

Given the situation the only reasonable step the Forum could take was to employ a lone crusader for justice to ensure the safety and security of all of us. After due consideration an approach was made to the Knight Foundation to request their help. They have a vast experience of combating out of control biker gangs in small town America and their skills are directly applicable to our dire situation. A spokesperson for the Knight Foundation told us this morning “Michael and Kitt are pleased to be able to help out the people of Moseley and also strongly support the building of the ent on the village green as it is a clear sign of both class and quality. Whilst in Moseley they will also resolve a dispute at Billesley Allotments between a local ranch owner who is starving melon farmers of water. It’s all in a days work.”

It is clear that asking fictional TV characters from the late 80s to provide security is nothing but a slap in the face for the local police. A police representative scoffed to us “I don’t think it’s very likely really. Can one man make a difference?”

The hustings will take place at Moseley CDT tonight and will be followed by an audience with David Hasselhoff where he will explain how popular he is in Eastern Europe and how Baywatch isn’t just about the tits.

For those who couldn’t really give a toss just stay in, watch the football and vote for Stu Masters as he’s a nice bloke and his party haven’t invaded anyone.


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Kings Heath “Could Have Bomb in Weeks!”

4 08 2005


Moseley security analysts were placed on high alert today after it came to light that the bulletheads of Kings Heath could have a bomb in a matter of weeks. It’s official guys; we’re on defcon 2!

A leaked report from the highest echelons of the emergency joint committee of Moseley Society, Moseley Traders Society, Moseley CDT and Jibbering Records states, “… due to the discovery of… atomic… material… being readily available… the only conclusion that we can draw is that those dumb twats up the road want to nuke our park.”

The Moseley Wardens have been stationed on twenty-four hour watch from classroom C5 of Queensbridge School to watch of signs of an imminent missile attack. Herr Oberfuhrer Kim Monaghan of the Moseley Wardens said, “We’ve figured that if there is a launch, we’ll be able to give the good people of Moseley an eight second warning before impact. This should be enough time to say, something along the lines of “Oh Fuck!” at least. It’s a worthwhile, but thankless task.”

P.C. Borg of The First Woodbridge Road Truncheon was seen issuing anti-nuclear umbrellas whilst muttering, “Shiny, shiny, shiny…”

A spokesbullethead for Kings Heath is quoted as saying, “… the whole thing is absolutely preposterous. We think the idea of us nuking Moseley Park and Pool is utterly bizarre. We’ve got two perfectly decent parks of our own and whilst we may not have an icehouse and some rare ducks, we’ve got the T.V. Garden from T.V.’s Gardener’s World. Beat that one hippies!”

The whole misunderstanding is thought to have arisen when some indie kids where overheard talking in Nima’s whilst purchasing a Hershey’s “Cookies and Cream” bar. It’s has been suggested that the whole incident was caused by much excitement and mirth at the sudden abundance of the Ned’s Atomic Dustbin back catalogue in Cash Converters. We wait for further reports from the Moseley Atomic Decontamination Organisation Nuclear Executive (MADONE) and will keep you updated.


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New Sainsbury’s ‘Local’ Store To Wreck Village Life

4 08 2005


In an amazing U-turn the Chantry Road Chattering
Classes have decided to welcome, with open arms, yet another corporate development in Moseley village.
Moseley’s Community Development Trust has also decided to endorse the opening of the Sainsbury’s ‘local’ superstore, which many think will play a central role in the corporate takeover of Moseley. This U-turn has occurred despite the fact that both groups recently opposed the ‘Weatherspoons Pub’ development because of the undesirable effect that it would have on ‘village life’.

There have been accusations of simony and rumours that the Chantry Chattering Classes have sold the village down the river in a secret deal with supermarket giant Sainsbury’s. It has been suggested that this ‘secret deal’ is nothing more than a bland attempt to raise B13 property prices through tie-in’s with the supermarket giant’s nouveaux riche Jamie Oliver branding campaigns which are set to wreck ‘village life’ for the rest of Moseley’s inhabitants. One resident interviewed said “Give it a year and at this rate the Village’ll be like a Disney theme park.” It is also thought that the chattering classes are attracted to the idea of not having to bring
themselves down to the level of visiting King’s Heath
or Selly Oak in order to consume their favourite Jamie
Oliver endorsed products.

The mysterious closure of Vincent’s Fishy Fruit & Veg also highlights another disturbing effect that the supermarket giant will have on village life. No details were available at the time of going to press but one theory presents itself. This being that Vincent’s is in cahorts with the secret deal struck between the chattering classes and the new Sainsbury’s ‘local’ store, due to be opened in early 2003. Moseley residents should be warned that this will not be the last independent trader to be forced out of business by the corporate monster. Also threatened by the supermarket giant’s economies of scale are Nima Delicatessen, Sage Wholefoods, The Village Bakery, Pottery & Pieces, The Chemists.

Alongside Jamie Oliver endorsements Sainsbury’s are also renewing commitments to their ‘Buy Israeli’ campaign, which intends to increase the amount of fresh meat and vegetables sourced from Israeli armed fortresses built on land stolen from the Palestinians (commonly referred to as ‘settlements’). This campaign intends to demonstrate solidarity with the Israeli butchers and farmers currently trapped in their fortified compounds and living in constant fear of
‘terrorist’ reprisals for the 916 Palestinian civilians (203 of whom were under the age of 18) killed by Israeli forces during the period between 29th September 2000 and 22nd April 2002.

In response to these issues local crusties, anarcho-environmentalists, peace campaigners and bourgeois hippies have been planning a campaign to protest against globalisation and the corporate takeover of village life. At great personal risk your intrepid reporter has infiltrated the more radical elements of this campaign in order to uncover their sinister plans to bring ‘terror’ onto the streets of Moseley. Using the middle class do-gooders as a cover Moseley’s evil anarcho-crustie group plan to launch a string of graffiti attacks upon well known corporate chains. Using the Internet Moseley’s very own terrorist organisation has downloaded sensitive plans
on how to conduct such terror attacks. Needless to say all information garnered during the researching of
this article has been passed straight to Moseley
Police Station.


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