A Prince Of Males?

4 08 2005


The Prince of Wales has long been known as “the” pub in Moseley to discuss child protection issues but recently they began a radical overhaul in order to attract the younger clientele. Little did they know what dark secrets they were about to uncover.

As decorators began to remove the decades of paint that had built up around the Prince they uncovered a startling image. As a local painter told us yesterday “It was last Friday and we were just removing the last coat of paint, I remember it well because we were listening to that Steve Wright on Radio 2. He’s a very funny man, have you heard him? Anyway I was scraping away and then bugger me if we didn’t find an enormous picture of local hero and Liberal Party candidate Martin Mullaney. As large as life and twice as big. I remember it well, I turned to John and said “Bugger me isn’t that an enormous picture of local hero and Liberal Party candidate Martin Mullaney?” and John said “Yeah it does look a bit like him”. Well I tell you, we needed a cup of tea after that.

In itself large pictures of local celebrities are not that surprising but the truth of this case is infinitely more shocking. Through a process of carbon dating it has now been conclusively proven that the original painting was completed in 1920. Some years before the real Martin was either conceived or born.

The landlord of the Prince of Wales told us “At first it scared me to my very marrow but given a little thought we’ve decided to keep it. After all if we want to get a new breed of young drinkers in here what’s going to attract them, an enormous picture of Martin Mullaney or cheap Bacardi Breezers and large screen football? Indeed it’ll be the picture every time.”

Mr Moneywise is said to be willing to fight this decision in the courts. He told us “It gives me the willies. I’m standing there behind me counter and he just stares at you. I swear he winked the other day.”





The Great Moseley Mast Debate

4 08 2005


“What is it?”, “Who owns it?”, “Where’s my dinner?” are the questions being asked at the most salubrious dinner parties in Moseley. All this controversy has been caused by the shock appearance of a metal monstrosity pointing like some sort of finger to heaven. Whilst few people can deny it’s existence, few people know what it does.

The obvious explanation is that it is a communication machine invented by Mr Moneywise to allow the legions of slave children hiding in his enormous caverns to talk to their parents. Although a credible explanation, recent investigations by Moseley authorities have yet to prove the existence of slave labour in Moneywise. Though how Mr Moneywise can produce such high quality goods without the use of slave labour is still a mystery.

The craziest theory being muttered in Moseley is that it must be some sort of transmitter owned by a mobile phone company. This is clearly nonsense, as anyone with a mobile phone in Moseley will tell you.

The real answer is more chilling than anyone could have believed possible. We have been somewhat reliably informed that this aberration of technology is in fact a machine invented by the armchair scientists of the Prince of Wales. Its sole purpose is to categorically disprove the existence of God once and for all. They believe that once they live in a God-free Moseley they will be free to create an army of cloned social workers that will sweep across our village putting everything they meet into care. As yet we are not aware of what this will achieve.

This is the future.





Final Closure

4 08 2005


It’s taken a long time coming but it looks like the longest closing down sale in world history might finally be coming to an end. Moneywise, Moseley’s finest outlet for fancy goods and cheap stuff looks like it is finally closing its doors, forever.

The shop has long been shrouded in controversy after recent allegations that all it’s stock is made by an army of Philipino children enslaved in the network of tunnels and bunkers under the premises. This cruel practice has been condemned by Amnesty International and lead to a yearlong investigation by the United Nations High Commission for Refugees. The investigation concluded that all allegations were totally groundless.

In an exclusive interview carried out with Mr Moneywise at his palatial corporate headquarters in Small Heath, we were told “Obviously to get goods of this quality and complexity it is true you need little hands but do you think I’d resort to slave labour? We have a company philosophy that is built on the twin foundations of family and quality. Now can you see that we wouldn’t exploit children in this way? Now if you’ll excuse me I’m expecting 200 of my nephews who are visiting from Angola.”

Eye on Moseley will miss Moneywise mainly because it sold cheap batteries.