The perennial problem of mobile phone coverage of Moseley once again seems to be a topic of debate. Everyone remembers the horrific deaths in Moseley Park that were directly attributed to lack of phone coverage. Recent mutterings seem to indicate that those lucky few with new fangled InternetPhones are less than happy with their providers. The unhappy truth is that this less than perfect service is probably more down to design than market failure. We can exclusively reveal that restricted multi-media access is now official Moseley policy. In a statement read out from afar, some sort of Moseley official told us “Quite frankly it is these so called early adopting creative individuals that are at the very route of everything that is wrong with Moseley. Some years ago they set up here with their vibrant ideas and started driving our house prices through the roof.” “We’ve had enough, we say no to posturing nonces with their touch screen technology and intuitive Internet access. We want to get back to traditional values like objecting to planning applications on principle and empty shops.” It is thought that through organised luddism Moseley could in effect return to 1974. Though we can only pray that this isn’t seen as some sort of an excuse for Turkey to have another pop at the Greeks. That would be a bad thing.
“What is it?”, “Who owns it?”, “Where’s my dinner?” are the questions being asked at the most salubrious dinner parties in Moseley. All this controversy has been caused by the shock appearance of a metal monstrosity pointing like some sort of finger to heaven. Whilst few people can deny it’s existence, few people know what it does. The obvious explanation is that it is a communication machine invented by Mr Moneywise to allow the legions of slave children hiding in his enormous caverns to talk to their parents. Although a credible explanation, recent investigations by Moseley authorities have yet to prove the existence of slave labour in Moneywise. Though how Mr Moneywise can produce such high quality goods without the use of slave labour is still a mystery. The craziest theory being muttered in Moseley is that it must be some sort of transmitter owned by a mobile phone company. This is clearly nonsense, as anyone with a mobile phone in Moseley will tell you. The real answer is more chilling than anyone could have believed possible. We have been somewhat reliably informed that this aberration of technology is in fact a machine invented by the armchair scientists of the Prince of Wales. Its sole purpose is to categorically disprove the existence of God once and for all. They believe that once they live in a God-free Moseley they will be free to create an army of cloned social workers that will sweep across our village putting everything they meet […]
When four local youths set off on a pleasant boat trip across Moseley Lake little did they realise the catalogue of horrors they were about to unleash. Thinking that such a trip would take maybe an hour or two they packed only the barest of provisions. A decision that cost two of the unlucky youngsters their very lives. One of the survivors told us in an exclusive interview “It was shortly after we set off that it all went horribly wrong. We’re not sure why it stopped, it might have been a big fish ramming the propeller, but it stopped. We could see land but as none of us could swim and I had me new trainers on so we thought we’d wait for help. When it started to get dark we began to get worried. Ray was panicking and shouting at the big houses on Chantry Road but they just couldn’t hear us…..they couldn’t hear us. We tried to use mobile phones but you can’t get any reception in Moseley, it was useless.” After three days rescue came in the form of a local dog walker who waded out and pushed the boat to safety. Unfortunately it was too late for two of the group who died of fear. A spokesman for local mobile phone provider Orange told us “Boats are an outmoded form of transport therefore this has nothing to do with us.” Eye on Moseley says “Give us better mobile phone reception. Children are our future so […]