Sports fans of Moseley were recoiling in horror today from the news that Chantry Road tennis club, our purest bastion of local sporting achievement, is at the centre of a performance enhancing drug row! This unsportsman-like turn of events began last week, when reports came in to the Eye offices that a cannabis plant (pictured)was being flagrantly grown in the front gardens of the clubhouse. An Eye reporter agreed to go undercover in the shady world of the tennis club, to find out what’s really going on, and nothing has been heard from him in over a week. Before he disappeared he managed to convey a brief report from a meeting of the club’s elders. This meeting was called to halt the slide of the club’s fortunes,and options being considered by the elders,other than drugs, were satanism, underground training camps for child tennis stars and solid-light holograms. A spokesman from the club, wearing a beanie hat and “Dreddy” hooded top was seen coming out of hip new hemp store “Mulatto’s Leaf” and said, in a rather bleary-eyed and confused fashion,”Uhh…I’m not really too sure what you mean. Um…could you maybe come back at about mid-day or so? That’s a much better time for me.”
Summer always brings a wacky care free spirit to the streets of Moseley and this summer looks set to be no different from all the others. In these heady days Moseley residents seem to lose their minds in ever more original ways. Be it beating up a random stranger outside O’Neils or opening a business that makes people stop and shout “WHY?” This summer has seen the closing of one of the many Zen’s which has, in turn, paved the way for the equally crazy Mullatto’s Leaf. Moseley’s latest retail addition fills a vital hole in the market that no other shop in Moseley has even considered. How many times have you woken up on a Saturday morning and thought “I have to go all the way into town to buy an expensive item of clothing made out of Hemp?” Well don’t worry because now everyones favourite type of organic clothing is readily available on Woodbridge Road. We applaud this endeavour and believe all of you who that doubt it’ll still be there next summer should bow your heads in shame.
Local drug dealers were once again up in arms after West Midlands police issued a new and shocking edict. A change in policy by the police means that dealers can now be prosecuted for dealing in imperial measures. In a bid to meet recent European Directives concerning weights and measures the less than catchy 3.5 grams will replace the now familiar eighth. In a recent “off the record” conversation with the West Midlands Police Imperial Measures Squad we were told “It’s not that we want to stop people selling drugs as such, well we do because it’s illegal, but we want to ensure that there is a coherent system of measurement. Most kids out there don’t even know what an ounce is and this could lead to all manner of weight related mishaps. Is that the sort of world we want our children to grow up in?” Although many sections of the community applaud this bold move it has met with predictable resistance from narcotic retailers across the city. One drug dealer we spotted outside a local primary school yelled at us “So do I get some sort of grant to buy new scales? It’s those blasted Brussels bureaucrats again isn’t it? They’ll be telling us we can’t eat sausages next, the bastards.” In a bid to stem confusion the Police will be handing out easy to use conversion cards that show at a glance how much skag you can get for ten quid.
Simon says “Drug Frenzy”. Everyone wants to legalise drugs. The police, the media and politicians are all mad for it. The legalisation of marijuana has been dominating the national agenda recently, disregarding war crimes, famine and other problems that afflict foreigners. Fair enough I say, lets talk about things we know love and trust, and we know, love and trust drugs.But while we’re on the subject, why settle for the half-measures offered by the government ? As someone once said “Why trust one drug and not the other ?” Let’s have real freedom of choice. Lets legalise crack. Give me the little, white rocks, and the mind-bending lunacy that goes with them. I want the right to go on a three day spree of armed robberies. I want the right to sell my mum to a dealer. Fags and beer kill more people a year than crack. Probably. In fact, let’s go one better and precribe it. For all the politicians. Then we’ll get some proper decision making done. Prescribe it to hippies, so they get something done for a change. Prescribe it to kids.Give ’em something to aim for. WARNING Simon, whilst thoroughly enjoying the odd pipe-full now and again, does not in any way recommend crack. Unless you got to pop a cap in some muthafucka’s ass.