A Village wide manhunt was started on Thursday after concerns were raised that two Moseley and Kings Heath Councillors have just vanished. After becoming a fixture on our streets, and at our front doors in May of last year nobody can remember the last time either of them were seen. Older residents will recall the summer of 2002 when “Bangkok” Ken Hardman similarly vanished leading the police to put out a desperate call for everyone to check their sheds and garages. Ken, of course, did turn up, but chillingly refused to talk of where he had been, or what he had seen. Moseley police were sufficiently concerned to hastily convene a press conference to highlight how serious events could be. A police representative told us “We are currently exploring a number of theories. It is possible that the Councillors took the protestations of the Council Leader, that the Government’s diminution of City Council core funding means the end of Local Government literally, and simply just knocked off early. Alternatively they’ve been taken by something or someone that preys on Councillors. We are obviously giving more credence to the latter.” Many people have expressed some suspicion of this more recent theory, in a practical sense how could it happen? Whilst Cllr Straker-Welds youthful innocence renders him all too susceptible to a possible puppy baiting, Cllr Trickett would pose an entirely more weighty proposition. The police were also keen to stress that despite numerous Lib Dem Focus leaflets predicting this […]
Ken was last seen around election time, or rather, that was when he was last supposed to have been seen. He is a shy man, forthcoming only when he steals ideas from other local politicians. He was elected as Conservative councillor for Moseley, but the shock of this is believed to have driven him over the edge. He was last seen driving a “Batmobile” style car towards Kingstanding, his home, and was believed to be driving extremely fast. This would have to be the case if he seriously expects to be able to travel between Moseley and Kingstanding in 12 minutes. Ken is easily frightened and if you see him you should lure him out from under whatever rock he’s hiding under by dangling a picture of a “Martin Mullaney” in front of him. Although timid, he feeds on the Mullaney, and it should do the trick. Once captured, he should be beaten with an iron bar until he promises to stop fucking up the 50 bus route. He can then be re-released.
It’s election week and you know what that means don’t you? Yes there are people out there who want you to vote for them. But why the hell should you? Why should you bother to wander all the way to a school or even a community centre just to put a tick on a peice of paper? We wondered what it is they wanted, so we asked them. This is what they had to say. The following are in the order we recieved them rather than showing any particular bias. Nick “Leave the trees alone” Whittingham (Green Party) On the anarchist fringe of the Green Party, graduated through Class War, poll tax riots, anti-roads protests, Reclaim the Streets, anti-GM, Zapatismo and anti-globalisation. Currently involved in community development and local food projects as positive localism seems to be a useful counter to globalisation. I am secretary of the Neighbourhood Forum and a director of the Community Development Trust. I prefer to take an active role, e.g.out there running the Farmers Market, rather than merely moaning from the sidelines. Some policies: – Devolve representation and control of budgets and services to the lowest feasible level. Give people direct influence over decisions that affect them. – Take steps towards environmental sustainability. This could include: promoting reduction, re-use and re-cycling of resources; adding external costs (e.g. of pollution) by appropriate charging/taxation; getting council to purchase locally (e.g. food from local farmers) and from sustainable sources (e.g. renewable energy); improve public transport […]
Following Eye on Moseley’s lengthy campaign to get Ken Hardman to, once again, stand as the runner up in Moseley’s local elections, we can now announce victory. Nominations for the exulted post of Moseley Councillor closed to today and included the shock nomination of Mr Hardman himself. We have to admit that although Eye on Moseley is in no way partisan in these affairs, every right thinking contributor gave a little cheer. In the interests of political fairness, we should point out that some other people will also be standing in May’s Election: Robert A. Grant (Socialist Alliance) Dave Jepson (Labour) Martin Mullaney (Liberal Democrat) Mohammed Sharif-Malik (People’s Justice Party) Nick Whittingham (Green Party) The mouth watering prospect of Martin Mullaney and Ken Hardman going at it in St Columba’s church hall will surely bring the people of Moseley out onto the streets. It is thought that this radical change of thought was brought about by a promise from his lovely wife, Shirley, that if he succeeds this time round, he will indeed get a home made crab supper. Look out for our unrivalled election coverage a little closer to the time. With pundits from as far away as Swanshurst Lane, we expect to tell you the matters that really matter for the people of Moseley. We’d just like to take this opportunity to say welcome back Ken and let’s get ready to rumble.
Perennial failure Ken Hardman has shockingly announced that he is set to stand down from Moseley politics. Although this news will come as no surprise to those who realised he never really stood a chance of enforcing his somewhat rabid views on the fluffier side of Moseley, it is a disappointment to all of us who loved his cheeky banter. Ken gave us so many happy moments such as his insistence that he could bend the laws of physics by travelling between his palatial home in Kingstanding and Moseley in 11 minutes. Whilst many residents will remember his legendary tales of highway maintenance. For years our Ken claimed that under his reign as councillor, Moseley residents didn’t even know what a pot hole was, except for those in the front of their shirts. Though probably Ken’s finest hour was the time he was harangued by local anarchists who steadfastly refused to piss on him. This despicable attitude finally confirmed Ken’s belief that there were indeed many things wrong with the world and he was the man to sort it out. Unfortunately Moseley voters didn’t share his view. Ken’s decision is thought to have been made in order to allow him the time to concentrate on his hobby of eating crabs. Ken’s hatred of crustaceans, though bizarre, has led him on a crusade to make sure that all crabs are not only killed but are eaten by him. The most worrying aspect of Ken’s resignation is the affect it will have […]
The notorious Labour MP Dr Lynne Jones recently baffled Moseley shoppers with her hard-line anti-war stance. The outspoken MP has courted controversy in Westminster by being one of only eleven Labour MP’s to vote against Prime Minister Blair’s carpet bombing of Afghanistan. Her attitude may have upset her London peers, but it struck a resonance with the crowds at the last farmers market, where she was seen to treat the crowds to a stirring rendition of Edwin Starr’s classic, “War (What is it good for?)”. Shoppers stood transfixed as she belted out her very own curious brand of soul. One local shopper, who wants to remain nameless so as not to incur the wrath of the local Labour party, told us, “She’s got a fair pair of lungs on her hasn’t she? For a socialist, I mean.” Indeed. Not to be outdone by their big city rival, local Labour councillors Andy Howell and Bryan Knott then wowed Moseley with a somewhat patchy duet of the Frankie Goes To Hollywood standard, “Relax”. The concept of promoting popular support through song has not been lost on the other political parties. Annual Moseley visitor, Ken Hardman, is thought to be in the middle of rehearsals for his very own production of “Cabaret” in which it is believed he will once again reprise his impression of Liza Minelli. Erstwhile Liberal, Martin Mullaney, is following a different tack and his EP of Christmas Covers will be available in Jibbering records by mid-November. Whilst Eye on […]
Moseley residents woke in a state of disarray today to find that someone had stolen the sacred white lines of Moseley. In a random act of vandalism, some thoughtless fool had pilfered said lines leading to what can only be described as “traffic chaos”. The so-called, self-styled, alleged “traffic chaos” started when cars forgot which direction they were meant to be going as a result of the missing arrows at the junctions. Eye witnesses talking of the ensuing road madness in hushed vocodaed tones to disguse their identity said, “It was like everyone was drunk, they just drove round and round in circles, with more and more cars until it came to a complete standstill – like some kind of donut – what I like to call a carnut.” The council is said to be launching an investigation, although we at the Eye have already begun flinging muck in the hope that some of it will stick. The office odds are as follows: 10-1 on Ken “the caring face of fascism” Hardeman – in a freak outburst of rage at not becoming our elected representative (again), he stole them to spite us and show that the tories are indeed tough on crime. 5-1 on Paul Merson – Villa legend in his own 18-yard box (let’s face it, they rarely get out of there), Merse was allegedly spotted out and about in Moseley and we all know what that can mean for anything of a linear nature. Evens Martin Mullaney – […]
Local Kingstanding resident Ken Hardman will not be the new councillor for Moseley but his dreams of world fame are still alive. After the news that Marilyn from Home and Away lookalike David Coulthard may not be able to race in the forthcoming Spanish Grand Prix, Ken was the obvious choice. His recent revelation that he can drive from his home in Kingstanding to Moseley in eleven minutes make him an obvious successor to the Formula 1 throne. He recently told us “I live to drive, the road is my mistress”. Whether he can translate his unique driving skills from the busy roads of North Birmingham to the frightening bends of Circuit de Catalunya is a moot point. When asked for his comments Ron Dennis the owner of the McLaren racing team said “11 minutes you say? He’s either bullshitting or he’s got a Batmobile”. We at Eye on Moseley would like to wish Ken the best of luck with his new endeavour.