Missing : Ken Hardeman

4 08 2005


Ken was last seen around election time, or rather, that was when he was last supposed to have been seen. He is a shy man, forthcoming only when he steals ideas from other local politicians.

He was elected as Conservative councillor for Moseley, but the shock of this is believed to have driven him over the edge. He was last seen driving a “Batmobile” style car towards Kingstanding, his home, and was believed to be driving extremely fast. This would have to be the case if he seriously expects to be able to travel between Moseley and Kingstanding in 12 minutes.

Ken is easily frightened and if you see him you should lure him out from under whatever rock he’s hiding under by dangling a picture of a “Martin Mullaney” in front of him. Although timid, he feeds on the Mullaney, and it should do the trick. Once captured, he should be beaten with an iron bar until he promises to stop fucking up the 50 bus route. He can then be re-released.





What do they want?

4 08 2005

It’s election week and you know what that means don’t you?
Yes there are people out there who want you to vote for them.
But why the hell should you? Why should you bother to wander
all the way to a school or even a community centre just to
put a tick on a peice of paper? We wondered what it is they
wanted, so we asked them. This is what they had to say.

 

The following are in the order we recieved them rather than
showing any particular bias.

 

Nick “Leave the trees alone” Whittingham (Green
Party)

On the anarchist fringe of the Green Party, graduated through
Class War, poll tax riots, anti-roads protests, Reclaim the
Streets, anti-GM, Zapatismo and anti-globalisation. Currently
involved in community development and local food projects
as positive localism seems to be a useful counter to globalisation.
I am secretary of the Neighbourhood Forum and a director of
the Community Development Trust. I prefer to take an active
role, e.g.out there running the Farmers Market, rather than
merely moaning from the sidelines.

 

Some policies:

- Devolve representation and control of budgets and services
to the lowest feasible level. Give people direct influence
over decisions that affect them.

- Take steps towards environmental sustainability. This could
include: promoting reduction, re-use and re-cycling of resources;
adding external costs (e.g. of pollution) by appropriate charging/taxation;
getting council to purchase locally (e.g. food from local
farmers) and from sustainable sources (e.g. renewable energy);
improve public transport and facilities for cyclists and pedestrians.

- Massively reduce crime by legalising drugs and brothels.

- Stock transfer: all council houses in Moseley to be given
to tenant co-ops run by current tenants.

- Additional resources for: preventative medecine and health
visitors, programmes to support those dependent on alcohol/drugs,
projects to involve and empower young people.

 

Thoughts on other candidates:

David Jepson (Lab): Nice bloke, tries hard, doesn’t take it
too seriously. Crap party.

Ken Hardeman (Con): A vote for Ken is a vote for someone who
doesn’t give a fuck about Moseley. Has a certain entertainment
value, though.

Martin Mullaney (LD): Campaign totally based on asking the
Council to do things they were gong to do anyway and then
claiming the credit. Sad that it should come down to that.
Nice picture on leaflet!

Robert Grant (Soc All): All his policies are already Green
Party

policies so the only point in him standing is to split the
‘radical’

vote and let Labour off the hook – guess he didn’t really
think it

through. Prat!

Mohammed Sharif-Malik (PJP): Not a clue what this guy or his
party stands for, nor does anyone else by the sound of it.
Still, we all like stuff from Kashmir!

 

The Much Maligned Martin Mullaney (Liberal Democrat)

On Thursday 2nd May, you have the chance to vote for a
new Councillor to represent your area -Moseley Ward.

 

Over the last year, you have seen how my Liberal Democrat
team and me have worked non-stop to improve this area. Graffiti
has been removed, roads resurfaced, overgrown trees trimmed.
All done without Moseley Ward having a Liberal Democrat Councillor.

 

Imagine how much more we could do if Moseley Ward did have
a Liberal Democrat Councillor.

 

I both live and work in this Ward, and believe in getting
things done! I have been actively involved in Moseley community
issues for the last ten years. I was one of the founding organisers
of Moseley Farmers Market and the Moseley Community Development
Trust. In 1997, I lead a group of local residents who re-turfed
Moseley Village Green – we were fed-up with this prominent
part of Moseley looking like a eyesore for over twenty years.
The resulting publicity embarrassed the council into re-developing
this Village Green.

 

I also run a community website based on life along the Number
50 bus route. The website can be seen at www.50bus.co.uk

 

There is so much more that needs doing to Moseley, – BUT
we need a Moseley Ward Liberal Democrat Councillor to do these
things. Highbury Park needs to be restored to its former glory
and reclaimed back for the community. The future of Moseley
Rugby Club in Birmingham needs securing. Numerous busy roads
need to made safer for pedestrians to cross. The centre of
Moseley needs regular clearing of graffiti, flyposters and
litter, so that it doesn’t look so run-down.

 

These are issues that can be tackled within current Council
resources and finance. All that is required is better management
and priority of Council services.

 

So on Thursday 2nd May, help us, to help you, by voting Liberal
Democrat.

 

David “Never Met Him” Jepson (Labour Party)

I was first elected as a Councillor for Moseley 4 years ago,.
I am now seeking your support for re-election so that I can
continue to work to improve Moseley

 

I have lived locally for 18 years and use local shops, restaurants
and public transport and also am a Governor of Moseley C of
E School. So, I know the problems and attractions at first
hand. Like many people in Moseley, I want to see better services
and facilities, and also a fairer and more equal society and
I am standing for re-election as a Labour Councillor as only
Labour can deliver on these aims.

 

The years of Conservativ
e Government not only undermined
our public services and mismanaged out economy but also undermined
the sense and spirit of community. Labour has made a start
at rebuilding this and we need your support to finish the
job.

 

In the four years since I was last elected much has been
achieved. Through the initiative of the Labour Council, Birmingham
has become a City of international standing that we can be
proud of.. I have contributed directly to this through my
role in relation to economic development and regeneration..
We have also created a top class education system that is
the envy of others. Good progress has been made in decentralising
decision making and involving local communities more closely.

 

As Chair of the Ward Committee for the last 2 years , I have
worked at making the principles of the devolving power to
communities work in practise. In this respect it has been
a pleasure working with local organisations such as the Moseley
Neighbourhood Forum, Moseley Society and more recently the
Moseley Community Development Trust.

 

I have been pleased to play a leading role in local initiatives
such as the new village green development, new street lighting
in many roads (for example, Chantry and School Rd) – though
more is needed. I have seen that Moseley Community Development
Trust received support it needed to get it off the ground
and backed the street wardens who have just started operation.
In addition, I have supported residents and the school in
the traffic calming initiative now about to start in the Oxford
rd area. I have also ensured that the “Brumcan”
recycling project – which will see recycling of a wide range
of materials – received support.

 

Many problems are complex and cannot be solved by slogans
or cliches. Rather, hard work, listening to people and careful
analysis and decisive action when appropriate is needed..
I pledge to work with local residents, community organisations
and agencies in the spirit of public service to make Moseley
an even better and enjoyable place to live.

 


Well thanks to all our candidates (at least those that bothered
to write back to us) No thanks to Ken Hardman, Robert Grant
or Mohammed Sharif-Malik who obviously don’t want your votes.





He’s Back

4 08 2005


Following Eye on Moseley’s lengthy campaign to get Ken Hardman to, once again, stand as the runner up in Moseley’s local elections, we can now announce victory. Nominations for the exulted post of Moseley Councillor closed to today and included the shock nomination of Mr Hardman himself. We have to admit that although Eye on Moseley is in no way partisan in these affairs, every right thinking contributor gave a little cheer.

In the interests of political fairness, we should point out that some other people will also be standing in May’s Election:

Robert A. Grant (Socialist Alliance)
Dave Jepson (Labour)
Martin Mullaney (Liberal Democrat)
Mohammed Sharif-Malik (People’s Justice Party)
Nick Whittingham (Green Party)

The mouth watering prospect of Martin Mullaney and Ken Hardman going at it in St Columba’s church hall will surely bring the people of Moseley out onto the streets.

It is thought that this radical change of thought was brought about by a promise from his lovely wife, Shirley, that if he succeeds this time round, he will indeed get a home made crab supper.

Look out for our unrivalled election coverage a little closer to the time. With pundits from as far away as Swanshurst Lane, we expect to tell you the matters that really matter for the people of Moseley.

We’d just like to take this opportunity to say welcome back Ken and let’s get ready to rumble.





Hard As Nails

4 08 2005


Perennial failure Ken Hardman has shockingly announced that he is set to stand down from Moseley politics. Although this news will come as no surprise to those who realised he never really stood a chance of enforcing his somewhat rabid views on the fluffier side of Moseley, it is a disappointment to all of us who loved his cheeky banter.

Ken gave us so many happy moments such as his insistence that he could bend the laws of physics by travelling between his palatial home in Kingstanding and Moseley in 11 minutes. Whilst many residents will remember his legendary tales of highway maintenance. For years our Ken claimed that under his reign as councillor, Moseley residents didn’t even know what a pot hole was, except for those in the front of their shirts. Though probably Ken’s finest hour was the time he was harangued by local anarchists who steadfastly refused to piss on him. This despicable attitude finally confirmed Ken’s belief that there were indeed many things wrong with the world and he was the man to sort it out. Unfortunately Moseley voters didn’t share his view.

Ken’s decision is thought to have been made in order to allow him the time to concentrate on his hobby of eating crabs. Ken’s hatred of crustaceans, though bizarre, has led him on a crusade to make sure that all crabs are not only killed but are eaten by him.

The most worrying aspect of Ken’s resignation is the affect it will have on Moseley politics as a whole. The lack of a true character in Moseley can only have a negative impact on our already slack voting habits. This is why Eye on Moseley begs Ken to not give up on our moral well-being and once again stand as the runner up in Moseley’s forthcoming council elections.





Calling Dr. Jones

4 08 2005


The notorious Labour MP Dr Lynne Jones recently baffled Moseley shoppers with her hard-line anti-war stance. The outspoken MP has courted controversy in Westminster by being one of only eleven Labour MP’s to vote against Prime Minister Blair’s carpet bombing of Afghanistan.

Her attitude may have upset her London peers, but it struck a resonance with the crowds at the last farmers market, where she was seen to treat the crowds to a stirring rendition of Edwin Starr’s classic, “War (What is it good for?)”. Shoppers stood transfixed as she belted out her very own curious brand of soul. One local shopper, who wants to remain nameless so as not to incur the wrath of the local Labour party, told us, “She’s got a fair pair of lungs on her hasn’t she? For a socialist, I mean.” Indeed.

Not to be outdone by their big city rival, local Labour councillors Andy Howell and Bryan Knott then wowed Moseley with a somewhat patchy duet of the Frankie Goes To Hollywood standard, “Relax”.

The concept of promoting popular support through song has not been lost on the other political parties. Annual Moseley visitor, Ken Hardman, is thought to be in the middle of rehearsals for his very own production of “Cabaret” in which it is believed he will once again reprise his impression of Liza Minelli. Erstwhile Liberal, Martin Mullaney, is following a different tack and his EP of Christmas Covers will be available in Jibbering records by mid-November.

Whilst Eye on Moseley is surprised by Dr Jones methods, we actively encourage her to wind up the national Labour party at every opportunity.





White Lines – Don’t do it.

4 08 2005


Moseley residents woke in a state of disarray today to find that someone had stolen the sacred white lines of Moseley. In a random act of vandalism, some thoughtless fool had pilfered said lines leading to what can only be described as “traffic chaos”. The so-called, self-styled, alleged “traffic chaos” started when cars forgot which direction they were meant to be going as a result of the missing arrows at the junctions. Eye witnesses talking of the ensuing road madness in hushed vocodaed tones to disguse their identity said, “It was like everyone was drunk, they just drove round and round in circles, with more and more cars until it came to a complete standstill – like some kind of donut – what I like to call a carnut.”

The council is said to be launching an investigation, although we at the Eye have already begun flinging muck in the hope that some of it will stick. The office odds are as follows:

10-1 on Ken “the caring face of fascism” Hardeman – in a freak outburst of rage at not becoming our elected representative (again), he stole them to spite us and show that the tories are indeed tough on crime.

5-1 on Paul Merson – Villa legend in his own 18-yard box (let’s face it, they rarely get out of there), Merse was allegedly spotted out and about in Moseley and we all know what that can mean for anything of a linear nature.

Evens Martin Mullaney – In election pamphlets, Martin went out of his way to indicate to us what he was capable of… not least of which, the dreaded requesting of the repair of the bench outside the entrance to Highbury Park (on Kings Heath High Street) – what a fiend.





Tory Candidates Racey Dreams

4 08 2005


Local Kingstanding resident Ken Hardman will not be the new councillor for Moseley but his dreams of world fame are still alive. After the news that Marilyn from Home and Away lookalike David Coulthard may not be able to race in the forthcoming Spanish Grand Prix, Ken was the obvious choice. His recent revelation that he can drive from his home in Kingstanding to Moseley in eleven minutes make him an obvious successor to the Formula 1 throne.

He recently told us “I live to drive, the road is my mistress”. Whether he can translate his unique driving skills from the busy roads of North Birmingham to the frightening bends of Circuit de Catalunya is a moot point. When asked for his comments Ron Dennis the owner of the McLaren racing team said “11 minutes you say? He’s either bullshitting or he’s got a Batmobile”.

We at Eye on Moseley would like to wish Ken the best of luck with his new endeavour.