Many Moseley residents will have been intrigued by the most recent addition to the Village Green. We can exclusively reveal that the surprise addition to the Moseley collection of street art is in fact an accurate pictorial representation of MP for Yardley and Moseley resident, John Hemming’s brain. In an act of typical selflessness he donated this to the people of Moseley so they can better understand his thought processes. As a captivated neurologist told us “it’s so rare that you get to see exactly how one of the greatest free thinkers of our generation actually thinks, well not without cutting their head off first.” As an interesting aside he also pointed out that although John has a fairly normal size head this brain is actual size, apparently this is achieved through careful folding. If you look carefully you can see where ducks that process his concerns for child safeguarding lives as well as the cat that monitors the relative cost of energy. It is an intriguing insight into an intellectual giant.
The Weather Girls might well have thought that it was Raining Men but according to local gynaecologists it looks like Moseley is set for a bit of a Baby Shower. The recent record escalation in Moseley pregnancies has lead some quarters to call for drastic action. Whilst imposing some sort of Chinese style one child one house rule might appear draconian it could prove the only solution to this demographic time bomb. The ever increasing circle of fertilisation appears to be emanating from the geographical area known as Chantry Road. This has caused a degree of panic amongst South Birmingham Health Professionals, one whispered to us “I’m sure there is a common cause to all of this. I’ve heard of sowing your seed but someone out there seems to ploughing an entire fucking field, sorry did I say that out loud?” Already the City Council is allocating resources to address the incumbent gurgling shit storm that is like to engulf the area. We shall see the swift development of crèche facilities in a matter of months. The explosion in baby growth has caused despair amongst some sectors of our community. The ex-manager of Minor Matters told us “10 years I was up there flogging baby stuff. The moment I diversify into Peruvian tat this happens. Well, I’m disgusted. I can’t remember the last time I even saw a Peruvian round here. I thought those boys who sell records down the road were from the Andes but it seems that they […]
In a desperate bid to gain more credence with young people, the Catholic Church last week announced a radical restructuring of services. It has long realised that it’s outmoded reliance on intransigent dogma was not exactly “happening”, and in an attempt to get more “with it” it has contracted out the canonisation process to external contractors. The surprise winners of the hotly contended tender were the South Birmingham Liberal Party. Recognised for their deep-rooted understanding of youth culture, the Liberal party were seen as the only organisation that could once again attract young people back to the church. Through a rigorous process of appointments the party hopes to select new saints that reflect the cut and thrust of a truly ecumenical society. The new “Devils Advocate” Councillor John Hemming never had any doubt who his first appointment would be “When we looked at the candidates there was no real choice it had to be Martin. Some of the work he’s done with the Moseley Forum has been a miracle easily comparable with the raising of Lazarus from the dead.” St Martin of Mullaney, as he has chosen to be called, has promised that his newfound place at the right hand of God will not go to his head. He wryly told us “After working with Councillor Hemmings I reckon God’s going to be a doddle.”