In a move that is likely to bemuse the older generation and excite those who consider themselves younger, the Ambler Death Corporation have signed up for an unlikely partnership with mega-gaming corporation Nintendo. With the recent release of House of the Dead 4, Moseley’s very own merchants of death saw a marketing opportunity unlike any other. In a press conference yesterday a representative of Ambler told us:- “The fear of death is ever present in our older community but we needed to remind younger people that is also a very real possibility for them too. Alright the phenomenal rise in knife criming has helped us to some extent but when you compare it with something like cancer it’s really just dabbling.” The remarkable cross over been the recently dead and the recently risen from the dead will see a fully functional arcade version of the ground breaking game placed in the chapel of rest. Ideally the recently bereaved will be able to exorcise their demons whilst executing real life demons, albeit ones that aren’t actually real. As a special one off event Ambler will be holding an open day where young people will be encouraged to come along and touch a dead man. We would like to reassure all readers that Ambler are still subject to the rules of nature and relatives are extremely unlikely to return to life once taken into the House of Death.
The increasing problem of homelessness is a concern for residents of Moseley and demands a radical solution. A recent meeting of the plethora of forums and societies that make up Moseley Village seem to have finally found a solution. The solution, uncovered by Eye on Moseley, was hidden in an obscure item on the agenda of the last Moseley Forum meeting. The section cryptically labelled “Project A” proposes that anyone that “doesn’t look right” be rounded up with wild dogs and cut down with scythes. Amazingly the motion was passed and tenders for adequate disposal sites were invited. The sinister “House of Death” on Alcester Road easily outbid competition from O’Neils and Little Italy and wasawarded the contract. The dying screams of recent visitors is said to irritate local residents but the heat from the pyres has provided a cheap source of heating for St David’s Primary School.
Normal folk were horrified to learn today that right on their very doorsteps, lurks a charnel house of evil. This brick edifice of doom lies near the hinter land of King’s Heath, in full view of children, young mothers and the elderly, few of whom can suspect it’s grisly purpose. A local man made the awful discovery when he went to a friend’s house for a social visit. When he arrived, he was horrified to find two pale men in dark suits inside hovering around his friend, Mr.Arpnummf, who appeared to be sleeping. The man rushed to defend his friend from these fiends, but more of the pale, be-suited demons arrived and restrained him while others carried out strange, secret rituals. They then carried Mr.Arpnumff away in a strange elongated black car, to this very house of death. They took him inside and Mr.X could no longer see what was going on. He waited ’til nightfall and broke in, only to find himself surrounded by pale, still people in decorative wooden boxes. Among them his friend, Mr.Arpnumff. Some were being filled with strange fluids, while others had been grotesquely made up. Mr.X commented ” It be the black magic arts, I’ll bet my boots.” A torch wielding mob will be gathering at 9:00 pm.