This might well be the chant you’d expect from a Wolves fan but it’s also part of chilling day to day reality of being an estate agent in Moseley. News has reached us that top house selling shop Seekers has been advised by the Police to change it’s name and move location following a long running campaign of terror and intimidation. Apparently the Seekers situation turned for the worst last year following a series of pretend house sales. A stream of invitations to view increasingly ridiculous properties bemused estate agents. At one point last summer Seekers were invited to try and sell a Wendy House that had been erected on the Village Green. After measuring the property representatives of Seekers were worried to see a large group of older Estate Agents standing outside the chip shop laughing and pointing at the tiny cloth house. It was a this point that Seekers realised that rather than a group of kids having some sort of laugh this was in fact something more insidious. A series of insulting phone calls led the worried estate agents to contact the Police. Through a mixture of good old fashioned detective work and not a little conjecture the Police decided to blame the other estate agents of Moseley. It appears that the main protagonists are no lesser local dignitaries than Dixons and Superior Estates. Mr Seeker tod us yesterday “When Dixons got that new sign they began to think they were the bollocks and then when they […]
It has been brought to our attention, by a reliable source that Moseley’s very own temple of music, Jibbering Records is likely to shut it’s doors for good at the end of this month. Being the only record shop in Moseley this could have dramatic implications for the musical health of B13 as a whole. The imminent demise of Jibbering seems to sum up the general attitiude to business in Moseley at the moment. For many years now the great and good of Moseley have concentrated on making a comprehensive list of the businesses they don’t want in Moseley whilst simultaneously forgetting to support those that already exist. At present there are eight unoccupied premises in down town Moseley and unless we begin to support those that are left this number is set to increase. The only growth area that Moseley has seen recently seems to be Estate Agents and lets not forget that all they are trying to do is flog Moseley to people who don’t live here. The only people who can halt this decline is us (Not Eye on Moseley but you lot). We can only do this by supporting those businesses that do exist as well as encouraging new businesses to open. We can only encourage businesses to open by not putting up ridiculous rules that mean only the large corporations have the money and time to pursue permission through the council and courts. In the short term though it’s going to be Christmas soon so […]
News has reached our brains (via our ears) that an estate agency estate agency is the final step in a long term plan to completely estateagentise Moseley, creating an “estate agency” valley, similar to the silicon valleys of the 1980’s, but with estate agents. Superior Estates forms the hub of a local network of estate agents which is arranged in the shape of a big house. They will be linked to each of the other estate agents, by a system of cabling, tubes and wires, and for reasons we don’t understand they will be elevated 200ft into the air on big poles. Whether this is merely the start of a worldwide estateagentisation agenda or a local phenomenon, we don’t know. All we can say is that whilst estate agents used to be universally regarded as cunts and liars in the 80’s, nowadays they’re alright. They really are.
Local officials issued a stark warning to residents and estate agents alike in Moseley today that the housing market in Moseley was about to reach Critical Mass. St. John Highgrove of the Oxford Road Friendly Residents Co-Operative spoke exclusively to the Eye of the worrying times ahead: “In recent times, there has been a distressing trend towards the inflation of residential housing prices. Our brick scientists have been doing some testing and we have come to the inevitable conclusion that house prices in Moseley are about to burst. In the light of these findings, we have spoken to the authorities and they have promised to issue people with umbrellas at the next Moseley Farmers’ Market.” The tests carried out involved, “… taking a Pokemon sized replica of a house and filling it with air until it reached a pressure comparable with the estimated value of the house in two months time – believe us, it burst.” We can only re-iterate the venerable Mr. Highgrove’s warning about the house prices and highly recommend the patented Eye On Moseley Gak Mak™, guaranteed to keep you dry, even when exposed to gallons of milky house spooge from the impending domicilic explosions. Available from the website for a very reasonable £15.99. Here’s mud in your Eye.
Moseley. Moseley, Moseley, Moseley. What’s wrong with you? We’ve given you more pubs than you can shake a stick at. Different types of pubs, with different types of drink. Of varying strengths. We’ve given you a plentiful supply of outsiders (as defined by the CRM and SRM ), who’ve invaded our territory. We’ve given you women…more women than you could ever hope to get through. Women with and without partners. We’ve given you loud music and muggy nights . Long summer days with nothing to do but drink and get sunstroke. We’ve given you everything. And will you fight? Will you fuck. Everything I’ve just mentioned is a perfect reason to have a fight. Your mate has seen the same bird as you? At the same time? Punch the fucker. You know he wants to do the same to you. Barman serving everyone else before you? Smack him. I shouldn’t have to give you tips though Moseley. The urge to fight should come as naturally as laughter. But in case any of you are having any trouble… The people at Seeker’s estate agents…I heard the Kwik-Save crew calling you a cranky mass of foreign nose pickings. And Druckers posse…I heard the Crafty Jungle boys say you wank over pictures of dogs. Oh and apparently, Wednesday night at the Bull’s Head is “Rubber and Rimming” night according to what I heard at The Jug of Ale. Allegedly. (Simon recommends that if you are going to glass someone with a pint glass, […]
When professional sign makers turned up in Moseley last week we knew we were in for some sort of treat, but nobody expected what happened next. Dixons, known throughout Moseley for their striking yellow sign, and reasonably priced houses, have undergone a major transformation. The retro eighties style has gone and is replaced by an exciting 21st Century frontage, the like of which has not been seen in Moseley before. The manager of Dixons told us “We felt a need for a change, the exciting world of property retail doesn’t stand still and we don’t either. The previous sign was all very well but it didn’t really define us as a company – our new sign hopefully will. You see it says Dixons, that’s us, and Countrywide which is alsous, we’re not only in Moseley and Kings Heath you know.” This sickening example of company loyalty continued “At the end of the day it looks more professional than those fuckers at Seekers. They’re always coming round here flaunting their letting service, it really pisses me off.” The Moseley traders association were said to be in heated discussions last night about any future developments within the central shopping area. The main concern is that as the new shop front war develops Moseley could be left resembling something like downtown Las Vegas, obviously without casino’s or anything resembling fun. In order to avert this potential disaster local traders will be meeting outside Dixons later this week to throw stones at the new […]
Moseley residents have been left reeling by the news that another Estate Agent is to open in the village. One concerned resident who didn’t want to be named for fear of recriminations said, “I was watching Crime Squad on the BBC last night and they said that many estate agents break the law regularly. What is this going to do to the crime rate in the community? It’s just not good enough, the council should intervene to stop this happening.” As fears grow, the question must be asked, do we need another Estate Agency in Moseley? I think not, we already have five. There is already an existing problem with them at kicking out time, the estate agents just pour out on to the street without any concerns for what disruption they may be causing. As far as empty buildings are concerned, let’s fill them with bars, pubs and restaurants. Nothing like a good, honest business for the locals.