In 1976 Phil Lynott told us “Tonight there’s gonna be jailbreak”. Little did residents of Moseley know that only 33 years later this prophecy would come all too shockingly true. Although details of Thursday’s daring prisoner escape are still a little bit patchy it would appear that hardened criminals decided to release themselves in downtown Moseley. The biggest question that is praying on the minds of residents is how 10 coppers managed to arrive in 15 cars. The implication certainly appears to be that some arrived in cars and then walked back to the police station to gather more cars. Nobody quite understands what tactical advantage the police received through this application of resources but it provided an excellent opportunity to practice advanced parking. It seems that the prisoners somewhat literally took shelter in Lench’s Trust sheltered housing scheme. Unable to blend in with the geriatrics they were quickly aprehended.
There was dancing in the streets when the Moseley Ward Committee announced it was going to allocate vast amounts of its considerable funds to providing us with an integrated CCTV system. On hearing the news some residents stated that even before the cameras have been installed they feel as much as 16% safer than they did yesterday. A spokesman for Moseley’s criminal underworld told us yesterday “You can rest assured that none of my members will be committing petty larceny outside of Boots from now on. Oh no.” This funding allocation has brought into question the somewhat haphazard system of grant allocation that appears to have been instituted by our Ward Committee. It has been long known that a well written application can gain you wealth that most people only dream of but now it seems like anyone will get a fist full of cash if they just turn up to a meeting. This was emphasised by the curious tale of Mr Dan Massless from Augusta Road, he told us “I only popped into the CDT to ask where the 35 goes from now and the next thing I knew they’d given me 35 million quid to put a member of a BME community into space. It’s a fucking outrage. On the other hand if you do know a black or asian person that has a head for heights please give them my phone number.” Those sceptics that say the whole CCTV scheme is a blatant waste of money really […]
The sound of wood on leather is a common sound around the leafy suburbs of Moseley during midsummer. Unusually last month it wasn’t the typical sound of the Moseley cricket club but the dawn chorus of the local police kicking peoples doors in. The Police launched their largest ever operation in Moseley and Balsall Heath to remove the scourge of drugs from our streets. A local representative of the police told us yesterday “It was excellent, we met at the station really early and had a bit of breakfast then all got into one of those large vans and started kicking peoples doors down. It makes me realise why I got into this job in the first place.” As a result of the operation 16 people were arrested and a large quantity of money and drugs were seized. It has also had an important knock on effect for the local economy. A Moseley carpenter told us “I’ve never been so busy, it’s great. I like working for drug dealers they’re really easy going.” Ironically a number of local drug dealers reported that they were quite pleased with the nights work themselves. “You don’t know how difficult it’s been lately. All this cheap heroin coming in from the Baltic states has cut my profit down like you wouldn’t believe.” He added “At least half my competition has gone so I can put the price right back up again. And with all the dealers gone there are some really desperate people out […]
Moseley street criminals were said to be despondant yesterday about the sudden dip in local crime. A hastily convened meeting of social misfits looked at ways that this worrying trend can be redressed. The initiatives discussed were banding together in Mad Max style groups and a rigorous policy of shop lifting. One local criminal who was just released from a “stretch” in the “Green” said, “I used to be proud to say I came from Moseley, you used to be able to deal drugs openly in Woodbridge Road and there was even a stabbing in the Fighting Cocks once. Now whenever I see my mates in Kings Heath they laugh and call me hippy boy.” We challenged the Police on what they were going to do to help this under priviledged group and they said “You are joking aren’t you, first you tell us you want less crime, now you want more. Why don’t they go and get jobs like everybody else?” In an impassioned speech at the meeting a spokesman said “In Balsall Heath they have guns and crack whore’s, the only rocks you can get round here are the healing kind.” Last night there was a glimmer of hope after it was announced that the council will be installing CCTV through out Balsall Heath. With a bit of luck and a trailing wind the new system might displace crime to Moseley.