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  • Aug
    4th
    Crappy Jungle in “Home Made Cushion” Storm

    Popular Peruvian knick-knack trove The Crappy Jungle is today at the centre of an abscess of controversy which threatens to burst all over our collective dinners after being found displaying a cushion in the window that was made in the exotic and quaint location of Balsall Heath. The aromatic store, whose slogan “Pushing Toltec Rubbish For Longer Than You Care to Remember” has become a household catchphrase, has prided itself on importing a huge range of over expensive, luridly coloured scarves and pillows from South America. “Anybody can get a cushion from England”, the store’s owner Jonathan Fecke once said, “but a cushion from South America is like a romantic sofa adventure that will always be with you”. Now though, that attitude seems to be a thing of the past as Moseley residents were shocked to find a cushion in the window embroidered with a crude representation of Zaff’s. One tearful and obviously distraught citizen described her revulsion at the find – “It’s sick, just sick,” she said, “worse than fucking kids. The one thing that keeps me going in this hellish world is the certain knowledge that whatever you buy from the Crappy Jungle will always be authentically and lovingly crafted by a Peruvian peasant for a couple of guava halves and sold over here for seventy pounds or so. It’s sort of comforting to know that we can exploit them because we’re better than them. Now I don’t even have that.” Mr Fecke refused to comment to an […]

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  • Aug
    4th
    Oooh Me Ring

    Ring related references rarely get associated with Moseley, unless you count the Jewel in the Crowns notorious “Fire starter” curry, but things look set to change later this week. The imminent release of the Lord of the Rings could see an unexpected (or depending on the way you look at it, expected) rise in so-called “Tolkien Tourists”. It is predicted that after the release of the film, masses of Tolkien fans will flock to Moseley to experience first hand the sights and smells that inspired this seminal classic. Although Moseley has changed since Tolkien’s youth many things have remained the same. The Crafty Jungle (where Tolkien bought all of his Indonesian bookends) has already announced that it will be holding a special Middle Earth sale of unrelated memorabilia through out the spring. In many ways it is exactly the things that have not changed that will strike a chord with our new visitors. A representative of the Tolkien estate might have told us “I feel grandfather would be particularly bemused by the fact that Moneywise has still not shut down. I remember looking forward to our trips to the village where he would let us fill our pockets with as many fancy goods and batteries as you could buy for sixpence.” As with anything that occurs in our unspoilt village the news of a sudden economic boom has not been met with unanimous acclaim. We understand that certain elements of Moseley have initiated plans to hunt down Tolkien Tourists and […]

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  • Aug
    4th
    Simon Say’s

    Moseley. Moseley, Moseley, Moseley. What’s wrong with you? We’ve given you more pubs than you can shake a stick at. Different types of pubs, with different types of drink. Of varying strengths. We’ve given you a plentiful supply of outsiders (as defined by the CRM and SRM ), who’ve invaded our territory. We’ve given you women…more women than you could ever hope to get through. Women with and without partners. We’ve given you loud music and muggy nights . Long summer days with nothing to do but drink and get sunstroke. We’ve given you everything. And will you fight? Will you fuck. Everything I’ve just mentioned is a perfect reason to have a fight. Your mate has seen the same bird as you? At the same time? Punch the fucker. You know he wants to do the same to you. Barman serving everyone else before you? Smack him. I shouldn’t have to give you tips though Moseley. The urge to fight should come as naturally as laughter. But in case any of you are having any trouble… The people at Seeker’s estate agents…I heard the Kwik-Save crew calling you a cranky mass of foreign nose pickings. And Druckers posse…I heard the Crafty Jungle boys say you wank over pictures of dogs. Oh and apparently, Wednesday night at the Bull’s Head is “Rubber and Rimming” night according to what I heard at The Jug of Ale. Allegedly. (Simon recommends that if you are going to glass someone with a pint glass, […]

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