Moseley Doomed (Official)

4 08 2005


As the world marches inexorably towards war Moseley has been at the forefront of the international protest. Whilst many believe that opposing the destruction of the middle east is a moral stance it now appears that our actions have damned us in the eyes of our God.

It’s many years since God popped down to St Columba’s Church but last week that’s exactly what he did. Many expected the Lord to heap praise on Moseley for it’s “right” thinking attitude and inovative traffic calming measures but he/she was actually quite pissed off.

In a somewhat booming voice he told a rapt congregation “You disgust me, with your snivelling attempts to interpret my teachings. Did nobody tell you I’m a vengeful god? Did you not read the bible? Well let me tell you things are going to change round here. For starters, you can stop all this peace crap. Also are those railings outside new? I like them. A nice bit of iron that.”

Members of the congregation left the church very confused. One told us “Well he certainly gave us something to think about. I might become a hindu.”

The Moseley Society were last night meeting in closed session to discuss methods of making Moseley a less tolerent place thus avoiding our impending doom.


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Christ

4 08 2005


Moseley was rocked this week by the twin evils of religious intolerance and wanton vandalism. Early one morning some vandals erected two pieces of wood in a sort of cross formation in the centre of our newly refurbished urban living space. This act was particularly inappropriate as it happened in the run up to the Easter weekend. A local vicar told us “It sickens me that there are people in this community that don’t respect our religion. It is Easter you know and I don’t think going about erecting large wooden crosses is in very good taste.”

The suspects are either kids with access to wood or a local carpenter. The police are currently carrying out investigations and expect the culprits to be brought to justice. The police told us “It’s a good bit of wood that. I expect once everyone’s had a good laugh the people who put it there are going to want it back. We’ll wait. Maybe we could nail them to it.”

We have been asked to remind people that Easter is not about nailing people to crosses but about eating chocolate eggs and rabbits.


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White Hell

4 08 2005


Moseley was brought to a sudden and grinding halt on Tuesday by a deadly snow fall. One eye witness said “It was like it was falling from the sky.”

Many people have wondered why we were singled out for this, the most bizarre of weather conditions. One theory proposes that the freak weather is linked to the closure of had a good thing going there.” Somewhat weirdly God is not happy that Moseley did not embrace this home of good honest Christian cooking.

What is already being dubbed by local residents as the snow plague is set to be only the beginning of a season of mischeif by the almighty. Come Summer we can expect a plague of street drinkers wielding bottles of Cider. A local vicar told us “Only he knows what will happen after that, though I can assure you the Mosleley festival is going to be a right laugh.” He also added with a wink “Do you like frogs?”

Local residents were in panic yesterday when they realised that supplies of lentils were getting dangerously low. Though by Wednesday morning all the snow had melted and we began to wonder what everyone was worrying about.

In unconnected news God fearing Harborne had temperatures in the eighties after the news that a new Christian based youth theatre was to open.


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