Pay Or You Go.

4 08 2005


We’ve all walked through the park on a sunny day, past the crowds of ganja smoking youngsters, and upon seeing a squirrel or bird thought “Aaaaah.”. Indeed most of us would probably think that having an abundance of animal and bird life would be a blessing,but wait…some regard these creatures with a much more critical and suspicious eye. Members of the Chantry Road Mafia and the Sandford Road Massive are tonight meeting to diuscuss the issue of non-payment of park subscription fees by wildlife.

A spokesperson explained : “Some would say that the birds and things have a inarguable right to be in the park, as it is their home, and we agree.We also believe that the park would not be the same place if we were forced to remove all wildlife.However, the park requires funds and these creatures are the greatest users of the park, and the only contingent of Moseley society allowed in “gratis”. They are also the ones who cause most damage and mess, and all the beasts in the park refuse to clean up their own excrement, even though bags are provided.

As a result, John the groundsman will be given the additional role of collecting subscriptions from all the inhabitants.” We questioned John the groundsman on whether or not this ruling would be enforceable and he said : “Absolutely yes. I have been working on a number of projects in my little shed, which will enable me to police the park in an effective manner. See here, I have created some natural gas powered bionic legs, which will enable me to keep up with any fee dodging rats or voles. And here I have created a cobweb powered jetpack, which will enable me to keep up with even the fastest squirrels and birds.”

We asked John how he planned on taking the money from hardened non-payers, who can be almost guaranteed to be without cash. He said : “If I find a fox or a jay that refuses to pay..ON ANY GROUNDS, I will take their tiny skulls and crush them between my thumb and forefinger. (at this point John became quite agitated and purple in the face, and removed his shirt). And as for squirrels, I will burn down their trees (shouting quite loud now, with an arterial vein pumping quite fast and visibly in the centre of his forehead) and stamp on their little baby squirrels and perform little squirrel hysterectomys, until they learn that IF YOU COME IN MY PARK YOU PAY YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN DUES.”

(At this point John threw over the table smashed a coffee cup on his own head and ran screaming into the park, wielding a large rake.)


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Nice Hole

4 08 2005


Fears that there had an evolution in space and time and the creation of a multiverse were laid to rest last night, when it was releaved that the cause of the suspected “big bang 2″ was actually a man’s fart. Fears were initially raised on Tuesday evening, when villagers in Moseley reported a “Loud explosion” of Biblical proportions (erm, like when Moses used Semtex to pass the Russians through the eye of a needle, to get them into heaven).

One eyewitness, a ‘hard working businessman’ from Moseley said, “I was doing my rounds collecting some ‘professional fees’ from business contacts in a local public house, ‘The Chiming Clocks’ when we heard a big bang. Everyone just shat themselves.” Disgruntled local resident, Chaz Knight, who was also in The Chiming Clocks said, “I returned home later that night to discover that my roof had fallen down!!! At first I thought I was just a pissed up lunatic, but the roof was still on the floor in the morning.”

Scientists from Kings Heath later located the epicentre of the blast to another room in the house of Mr. Knight. “It turns out” said Chaz, “that my flatmate Patt Wulliams had gotten himself into some kind of Curry eating contest, and I don’t mean Edwina, know what I mean, me old china” An underworld source close to The Chantry Road Mafia slammed Wulliams, he told us “this is outragous, according to our records Wulliams has never as much as offered us a cup of tea, never mind the kind of money that would get planning permission for this kind of arse passed.

On contacting The Guiness book to determine if some kind of world record had been established, we were told “no you can’t speak to fucking Norris McWhirrter” So we contacted Record Breakers were a researcher told us “I don’t know why we bother anymore, its all gone downhill since Roy Castle died, Chris Akabusi can’t even play the trumpet.” Local ‘know it all’ Professor Carl Birmingham told us “This just reinforces my theory of Quantam Mechanics, whereby the sum of the mass to the power of the density of the universe = The West Midlands. On going to press The Supreme Court of Moseley announced a temporary injunction had been placed on local eating establishment ‘Krapabish’ preventing sales of spicy meals to Mr. Wulliams.


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Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


Moseley. Moseley, Moseley, Moseley. What’s wrong with you?

We’ve given you more pubs than you can shake a stick at. Different types of pubs, with different types of drink. Of varying strengths. We’ve given you a plentiful supply of outsiders (as defined by the CRM and SRM ), who’ve invaded our territory. We’ve given you women…more women than you could ever hope to get through. Women with and without partners. We’ve given you loud music and muggy nights . Long summer days with nothing to do but drink and get sunstroke. We’ve given you everything. And will you fight? Will you fuck.

Everything I’ve just mentioned is a perfect reason to have a fight. Your mate has seen the same bird as you? At the same time? Punch the fucker. You know he wants to do the same to you. Barman serving everyone else before you? Smack him. I shouldn’t have to give you tips though Moseley. The urge to fight should come as naturally as laughter. But in case any of you are having any trouble…

The people at Seeker’s estate agents…I heard the Kwik-Save crew calling you a cranky mass of foreign nose pickings. And Druckers posse…I heard the Crafty Jungle boys say you wank over pictures of dogs. Oh and apparently, Wednesday night at the Bull’s Head is “Rubber and Rimming” night according to what I heard at The Jug of Ale. Allegedly.

(Simon recommends that if you are going to glass someone with a pint glass, you shouldn’t smash it first. Rather you should push it into your opponents face then twist. you should smash any bottles you intend to use though.)


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Lone Moseley Resident in Delayed Di Shock Shock

4 08 2005


Psychologists have been on high alert this month after the appearance of a lone tribute to the late Diana Spencer was discovered in the village. In what can only be described as “Floral Terrorism”, this callous act of ferrous refoliation was reminiscent of scenes outside Kensington Palace.

Shocked residents have called for a complete cessation of these senseless acts of horticultural vandalism. Local law enforcement agencies called in local famous TV gardening celebrity, Vinnie Jones to “make safe” the bouquet. The authorities vowed to catch this wanton vandal known only as “Audrey Jones of the Chantry Road Mafia”. In a statement issued this afternoon, they added, “If anyone knows the whereabouts of this felon, please, do not attempt to arrest her… remember our motto – ‘be a blade and we’ll bang’em up!’

In an effort to keep our high standards of journalism, we at the Eye, decided to ask the Memorial Fund for their opinion, but due to them declining, we had to make some shit up. Colonel Lord Monsignor James St.John Rara-Smythe CBE, OBE, BSE of the Memorial fund refused to comment, saying only, “When we were in Burma, during the Big One, we used to shoot the little chaps you know.
Terrible waste, if you ask me, but it was the right thing to do.” Anybody know what he’s on about? Beats me…

Ms Jones’s Lawyers released the following statement, “Our client would like to state that she is truly sorry for any distress that she may or may not have caused. She would like to add that this is the People’s Princess and we should always remember her – She weeps day and night over her, and that lovely Dodi. Mr. Fayed is such a nice lad, Harrods and all.” The Eye says, “Blah, blah, blah.” Eye On Moseley is keen to stress that crimes of this nature are very rare and, with your help, are becoming rarer still. So, please, don’t have nightmares.


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Blood On The Streets

4 08 2005


The continued tensions between the Sandford Road Massive and the Chantry Road Mafia recently resulted in more violence in central Moseley. The two groups have harboured mutual resentment since early April when the Sandford Road Massive began tearing up and down Chantry Road on skateboards taunting local residents large houses. A Chantry Road resident told us “It’s juvenile, we know we’ve got big houses, there’s no need to rub it in.”

Matters escalated shortly before the Moseley festival. Sandford Road resident John Sunday was sitting on the village green with some friends when he was set upon by the Chantry Road Mafia. He told us “I was minding my own business when these people started dissing my bitch. I don’t stand for that.” The resulting clash with machetes left three residents in hospital and a large cleaning bill for Birmingham City Council. Emergency measures were taken to clean the blood from the streets. Council officials told us “With the festival imminent steps had to be taken. We realised the eyes of the world would be on Moseley over the bank holiday weekend and we couldn’t let extreme acts of violence deter the crowds.”

In a sickening revenge attack the Sandford Road Massive attempted to “torch” the Chantry Road tennis club on the morning of the festival. A representative of the Massive told us “They’re so smug with their tennis club and they’re whiter than white….er whites. It’s time they felt the cold hand of vengeance.” The inferno was swiftly put out by the local fire brigade who in a recent statement to the press called on the two groups to sit down and discuss their differences in a style befitting prominent members of the community.


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Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


I was born and raised in Moseley. I shop, eat, and spend my leisure time locally. Like many Moseleyites, what attracted me, (and many of you I’m sure, dear reader) was it’s steadfast rurality in the heart of urban Birmingham. Where else can you see the long shadows of cricketers spilling across the village green of a warm summer evening ? Or enjoy a nice cup of tea and a slice of cake, whilst pondering over whether to watch “Heartbeat” or “Peak Practice” ? These are things we all enjoy, things I’m sure none of us ever want to change.

But change comes, and with change must come fear. We have all seen the signs. Baseball caps have trebled in appearance. White trainers have almost doubled in popularity, and there is now a car passing by you on the high street, playing extremely loud garage music, every 30 seconds. Our quiet, happy, paradise is being integrated, under our very noses, into the dark heart of King’s Heath, and there seems to be very little we can do about it. Or is there? I propose direct, violent action. We will march on King’s Heath’s headquarter’s (International Stock),under the combined leadership of representatives of the Chantry Rd Tennis Club (in assocation with the Chantry Rd Mafia ), The Sage Moseley Defence Unit and elite forces from the Sandford Road massive. (Big Up Yourselves!) We will destroy the very heart of their community when we destroy International Stock, and then occupy Blockbuster. Then we will own them, and they will give us the respect we deserve. It’s time for action Moseleyite’s.


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Mr Nima Set To Go Critical

4 08 2005


Reports have recently begun to arrive that our friendly local delicatessen has an unlikely crisis brewing. As everyone knows, Mr Nima is a model of efficiency and good manners. There is a reason for this. The original Mr. Nima was replaced in 1992 after he accidentally short-changed a customer and then punched him violently in the face for arguing about it.

The Sandford Road Massive(SRM) and The Chantry Road Mafia(CRM) had consultations and decided that a sort of cross between Yul Brynner (in Westworld) and Ian Holm (in Alien) would provide the best service. They utilised the extreme vegan robotic scientists of the Sage Trust for Vegetarian Control of the Universe and created the new Mr.Nima. He was designed to run without maintenance for hundreds of years, however things have gone awry. Over-exposure to the moisture of the cheese counter has warped his computer brain and in a scene reminiscent of Ian Holm’s total spasmodic breakdown in “Alien”, he is due to go critical in mid-July. The irony will not escape this intrepid reporter as he watches Mr.Nima stuff the CRM and SRM’s orifice with selected cooked meats and exotic fancy goods.


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