Baby Boom

5 08 2005


The Weather Girls might well have thought that it was Raining Men but according to local gynaecologists it looks like Moseley is set for a bit of a Baby Shower. The recent record escalation in Moseley pregnancies has lead some quarters to call for drastic action. Whilst imposing some sort of Chinese style one child one house rule might appear draconian it could prove the only solution to this demographic time bomb.

The ever increasing circle of fertilisation appears to be emanating from the geographical area known as Chantry Road. This has caused a degree of panic amongst South Birmingham Health Professionals, one whispered to us “I’m sure there is a common cause to all of this. I’ve heard of sowing your seed but someone out there seems to ploughing an entire fucking field, sorry did I say that out loud?”

Already the City Council is allocating resources to address the incumbent gurgling shit storm that is like to engulf the area. We shall see the swift development of crèche facilities in a matter of months.

The explosion in baby growth has caused despair amongst some sectors of our community. The ex-manager of Minor Matters told us “10 years I was up there flogging baby stuff. The moment I diversify into Peruvian tat this happens. Well, I’m disgusted. I can’t remember the last time I even saw a Peruvian round here. I thought those boys who sell records down the road were from the Andes but it seems that they just like the hats.”

It would be churlish to accuse the Right Honourable John Hemming of any involvement but when we asked him for comment he merely winked and said “God loves all of his children”. We are, as yet, still unsure whether this was a bland theological point or something wholly more worrying.

For no apparent reason we approached the local Liberal Democrat office for their take on the situation, they said “Christ not another one. Just give us the due date and costs you expect to incur over the first 16 years of life and we’ll send you a cheque.”

Please note the baby used in this story is not a real one.


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Chantry Road Menace Club!

4 08 2005

Sports fans of Moseley were recoiling in horror today from the news that Chantry Road tennis club, our purest bastion of local sporting achievement, is at the centre of a performance enhancing drug row!

This unsportsman-like turn of events began last week, when reports came in to the Eye offices that a cannabis plant (pictured)was being flagrantly grown in the front gardens of the clubhouse.

An Eye reporter agreed to go undercover in the shady world of the tennis club, to find out what’s really going on, and nothing has been heard from him in over a week. Before he disappeared he managed to convey a brief report from a meeting of the club’s elders.

This meeting was called to halt the slide of the club’s fortunes,and options being considered by the elders,other than drugs, were satanism, underground training camps for child tennis stars and solid-light holograms.

A spokesman from the club, wearing a beanie hat and “Dreddy” hooded top was seen coming out of hip new hemp store “Mulatto’s Leaf” and said, in a rather bleary-eyed and confused fashion,”Uhh…I’m not really too sure what you mean. Um…could you maybe come back at about mid-day or so? That’s a much better time for me.”


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New Sainsbury’s ‘Local’ Store To Wreck Village Life

4 08 2005


In an amazing U-turn the Chantry Road Chattering
Classes have decided to welcome, with open arms, yet another corporate development in Moseley village.
Moseley’s Community Development Trust has also decided to endorse the opening of the Sainsbury’s ‘local’ superstore, which many think will play a central role in the corporate takeover of Moseley. This U-turn has occurred despite the fact that both groups recently opposed the ‘Weatherspoons Pub’ development because of the undesirable effect that it would have on ‘village life’.

There have been accusations of simony and rumours that the Chantry Chattering Classes have sold the village down the river in a secret deal with supermarket giant Sainsbury’s. It has been suggested that this ‘secret deal’ is nothing more than a bland attempt to raise B13 property prices through tie-in’s with the supermarket giant’s nouveaux riche Jamie Oliver branding campaigns which are set to wreck ‘village life’ for the rest of Moseley’s inhabitants. One resident interviewed said “Give it a year and at this rate the Village’ll be like a Disney theme park.” It is also thought that the chattering classes are attracted to the idea of not having to bring
themselves down to the level of visiting King’s Heath
or Selly Oak in order to consume their favourite Jamie
Oliver endorsed products.

The mysterious closure of Vincent’s Fishy Fruit & Veg also highlights another disturbing effect that the supermarket giant will have on village life. No details were available at the time of going to press but one theory presents itself. This being that Vincent’s is in cahorts with the secret deal struck between the chattering classes and the new Sainsbury’s ‘local’ store, due to be opened in early 2003. Moseley residents should be warned that this will not be the last independent trader to be forced out of business by the corporate monster. Also threatened by the supermarket giant’s economies of scale are Nima Delicatessen, Sage Wholefoods, The Village Bakery, Pottery & Pieces, The Chemists.

Alongside Jamie Oliver endorsements Sainsbury’s are also renewing commitments to their ‘Buy Israeli’ campaign, which intends to increase the amount of fresh meat and vegetables sourced from Israeli armed fortresses built on land stolen from the Palestinians (commonly referred to as ‘settlements’). This campaign intends to demonstrate solidarity with the Israeli butchers and farmers currently trapped in their fortified compounds and living in constant fear of
‘terrorist’ reprisals for the 916 Palestinian civilians (203 of whom were under the age of 18) killed by Israeli forces during the period between 29th September 2000 and 22nd April 2002.

In response to these issues local crusties, anarcho-environmentalists, peace campaigners and bourgeois hippies have been planning a campaign to protest against globalisation and the corporate takeover of village life. At great personal risk your intrepid reporter has infiltrated the more radical elements of this campaign in order to uncover their sinister plans to bring ‘terror’ onto the streets of Moseley. Using the middle class do-gooders as a cover Moseley’s evil anarcho-crustie group plan to launch a string of graffiti attacks upon well known corporate chains. Using the Internet Moseley’s very own terrorist organisation has downloaded sensitive plans
on how to conduct such terror attacks. Needless to say all information garnered during the researching of
this article has been passed straight to Moseley
Police Station.


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A Pint In The Park?

4 08 2005


Do you want to drink heavily in the park? Well thanks to a shock decision by the Moseley Park and Pool committee you can. The committee has finally realised that Moseley runs on pubs and so called “good times” and as a result has decided to install a tiny pub in the centre of the park.

This revolutionary change of policy seems to have been spurred by the parks ever spiralling overdraft. Many Moseley residents see the park as a right, and as such they never bother to pay for their keys. This blatant abuse has meant that the park is very nearly broke. A spokesperson for the park told us yesterday “The committee has previously felt that its primary role is to stop people going into the park. Recently we’ve noticed that although this policy kept the park largely free of people it has meant that we’re now flat broke. So we had a meeting and decided to throw the gates open and make the place a haven of fun and enjoyment.”

The tiny pub really isn’t much more than a tiny shed that sells beer but in many ways that’s exactly what most pubs are. The decision had a typically surly reaction from the fun loving manager of the Goose “Why should I care? I don’t like people coming in my own pub so why should I give a toss who goes to the park? In fact you lot get out now.”

It has also caused consternation amongst Chantry Road residents who are concerned that their expensively purchased peace will be shattered by raucous laughter and merriment. In a surprisingly candid comment the pool committee just chuckled and said “fuck ‘em”.

Hopefully this will pave the way for a truly cracking Moseley festival. Plans are already a foot to install a permanent sound system and a marquee that can hold up to ten thousand drug fuelled maniacs. Things certainly have taken a turn for the surreal.


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Boringham 13?

4 08 2005


When B13 Magazine editor, Neil Hillman, found it hard to get local residents to look at his organ, he was left with a tricky choice. The alternatives were obviously more cracking stories about people’s gardens or a direct attack on two local residents. The unfortunate local residents had made the fatal mistake of criticising the worth of Moseley’s second most vital news source. This criticism invoked the wrath of Mr Hillman and brought down the full weight of his editorial might on their unsuspecting heads.

B13 Magazine has been going through a bit of a rocky patch over the last five or six years due to it’s reluctance to accept the fact that not everybody lives on Chantry Road. Although some people like endless stories about Percy Harrison (no we don’t know who he is either) or how much a house cost on Tudor Road in 1975, some people think it might be about time there was a more representative source of local news.

We would like to say to you that criticism of B13 Magazine is unfair because it is produced by a dedicated team of volunteers, but then we noticed that it costs 50p, which is in very real terms two packets of Rizla. Therefore we think it should be open to the same level of criticism as a copy of the Guardian or a cheap can of Coke.

It is claimed that very few people have complained about the torrid content of this periodical so we thought (in the spirit of goodwill) it would be nice to encourage you to pass on your comments to Mr Hillman directly. So send your comments to B13 and tell them exactly how we can pull together to make a better place for everyone. Or tell them you want more jokes about wanking, it’s worked for us.


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Simon Say’s

4 08 2005


Oi Oi Moseley,
Long time no communicate. You may or may not have noticed that there has been no Eye On Moseley for some time now. That’s because we sold each and every last one of our readers e-mail addresses to large multi-national companies and fucked off on holiday on the proceeds. Only joking. Eye On Moseley is a strictly non-profit organisation which is why it only comes out when we can be bothered. Anyway…enough with the excuses and on with the comedy fun.

Or not.

I fear if I make my column (snigger snigger ) too much fun, it may break strict new anti-fun laws recently instigated by the shadowy council of elders who run Moseley. Hold on, you may be thinking, what the fuck are you talking about ? I only read this cruddy column (tee hee) to indulge my sociopathic and fascistic whims…so stop wittering and start bittering (you may be thinking). Well here’s what I mean.The place we live (Moseley) is controlled in no small way by a couple of different bodies of people, namely :

Moseley Park and Pool Society
The Moseley Forum
The Moseley Society
Moseley and District Churches Housing Association

These people are responsible for such things as stopping the Wetherspoons pub being opened, they are responsible for those horrible new “Welcome to Moseley : Officially Endorsed By Nicholas George” signs, they’re responsible for the $250,000 waste of space that is called the Village Green and last but by no means least they’re responsible for there being no music at the festival this year. That’s the one that’s really pissed me off. Basically what’s happened is that the Park and Pool people refused to convene a meeting to decide whether the festival should be allowed to go ahead, until some time in August, when it would have been too late to organise everything. This is due (apparently) to some curmudgeonly motherfuckers on Salisbury and Chantry Road (big surprise ) complaining about last years festival. The number of complaints is rumoured to be something in the order of three or four. For a festival attended by something like 1500 people, I would have thought that three or four complaints could quite reasonably be ignored or the offending wankers could be placated somehow. But apparently not. So now we get some sort of “family fun day”. I don’t have a fucking family so why the fuck would I want to go ? I somehow sense that this is the desired effect of this ruling. To keep people like me nicely out of the way, while all the beardy conservatives and their inbred spawn have their faces painted and buy yoghurt crisps.

To be honest, I absolutely hated all the music at all the festivals I went to. But that isn’t the point. It was a great focal point for Moseley, and if someone as anti-community as myself thinks that then I can’t be the only one who believes that. And as poor as some of the entertainment was (remember those performing arts people last year who did their modern dance routine…bless them) everyone I know always had an ace time at the festival. So, you may ask, what the fuck am I meant to do about it ? Do you want to do a petition ? Firebomb Chantry Road tennis club again ? Self-immolate at the “Fucking Family Fun Day” ? Yes. I personally would love to see all of those things happen, but I can’t actually endorse it officially. I just think that people should be aware that their fun is being restricted at a level they probably don’t even know exists.

Saying that, Eye On Moseley will be running some sort of high profile publicity stunt on the day, so if you spot us, why not join us in whatever it is were doing. Probably drinking heavily. Oh and why not join the Moseley e-mail list. It’s desperately boring most of the time, but a good source of information.

( Simon does not endorse seriousness. Next month there will be jokes about wanking. )


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Moseley Park and Fool

4 08 2005


When four local youths set off on a pleasant boat trip across Moseley Lake little did they realise the catalogue of horrors they were about to unleash. Thinking that such a trip would take maybe an hour or two they packed only the barest of provisions. A decision that cost two of the unlucky youngsters their very lives. One of the survivors told us in an exclusive interview “It was shortly after we set off that it all went horribly wrong. We’re not sure why it stopped, it might have been a big fish ramming the propeller, but it stopped. We could see land but as none of us could swim and I had me new trainers on so we thought we’d wait for help. When it started to get dark we began to get worried. Ray was panicking and shouting at the big houses on Chantry Road but they just couldn’t hear us…..they couldn’t hear us. We tried to use mobile phones but you can’t get any reception in Moseley, it was useless.”

After three days rescue came in the form of a local dog walker who waded out and pushed the boat to safety. Unfortunately it was too late for two of the group who died of fear.

A spokesman for local mobile phone provider Orange told us “Boats are an outmoded form of transport therefore this has nothing to do with us.”

Eye on Moseley says “Give us better mobile phone reception. Children are our future so how many more must die before action is taken?”


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The War Begins

4 08 2005


The continuing controvesy surrounding Moseley’s newest pub has taken a sinister turn for the worst. The recent license hearing was heralded as a triumph of common sense by the moral majority of Moseley when magistrates refused the brewery permission to open a new pub. Much slapping of backs was to be heard around the leafy boulevards of Chantry Road and beyond as they congratulated themselves once again on preventing more fun.

The announcement that Wetherspoons were to appeal against this decision was greeted with very different reactions. Certain sections of our community have decided that the time for discussions has come to an end and that a more direct form of action is needed. An anonymous group thought to be funded by Wetherspoons brewery and Libya are arming themselves in order to take back control of the village from those who generally seem to speak on our behalf. Local military experts from the Prince Of Wales maintain that if this escalation reamins unchecked there is a very real chance of a “balkans style” conflict occuring within South Birmingham.

An insider told us “It’s not just the pub, though I like the idea of a no smoking bar and a wide selection of food, it’s the principle of the thing. As our first form of action we’re thinking of blowing Willy up. That’ll show ‘em.” The prospect of randomly exploding street drinkers is likely to have a negative effect on Moseley’s essential tourist trade.

When we contacted the Wetherspoons to find out their feelings on such drastic action the regional manager told us “It’s about time they realised who they’re fucking with. We’ve been very nice until now. There were only 800 names on that petition, I think we might visit those people and have a chat with them about modern licensed retailing. They didn’t want a pub in Harborne you know? At first anyway.” We left him lovingly polishing a rather battered base ball bat.


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They’re Breeding

4 08 2005


As summer approaches so to does the mating season for the Zen. The holistic health shops that litter the streets of Moseley must mate once a year in order to propogate their species. This is a particularly worrying peice of news for all the other shops that are in between Alcester Road and Woodbridge Road.

The manager of Kwik Save told us “Yeah we saw this happen in Bristol in 1982, one of our stores got crushed under a bloated lust filled health food shop it wasn’t pretty. My area manager is coming down to sort it out.”Many solutions have been proposed though the clear favourite is a defensive line of fun pubs that will cut across from the railway line to the top of Chantry Road.


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Give Us Back Our Scientists

4 08 2005


A diplomatic storm was a brewin’ last week after shock stories of kidnapping and deceit emerged. Kings Heath residents claim that individuals in Moseley have been stealing their scientists. The diabolical human trade was uncovered when Birmingham University noticed its cybernetics department had gone. A representative of the university told us “We only noticed last month, the whole department had gone. Well not the building, but the staff have vanished. They all used to live in a big house together in Kings Heath but they’ve all gone. They’d been gone quite a while if all the copies of the New Scientist outside were anything to go by.”

The so-called “Kings Heath Brain Drain” began a few years ago with theft of a Mr C Daniels a research scientist who lived in Silver Street. It also co-incided with the third edition of Birmingham 13 Magazine’s “Moseley Scientist” column. A friend of Mr Daniels said, “I thought it was strange I saw Birmingham 13 Magazine and it had an interview with a Professor Nathaniels, he looked like Charlie, apart from the large rubber nose.”

An insider at Birmingham 13 Magazine told us “I don’t know how we got so involved. The Moseley Scientists column was so popular with our readers we didn’t have the heart to tell them we’d run out of scientists, so we decided to borrow a couple.” He added “It’s easy, you just go to the Prince of Wales and get them talking about Chaos Theory and then drug their beer. My mates got a van, so we can get them to the lock up on Chantry Road.”

At this time it is not known how many of the traumatised scientists survive the notoriously probing interview style of the Birmingham 13 journalists.


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