Many people in Moseley have always believed that the Council hates us and many ways it is probably true. Yesterdays announcement by the Highways Department that at last the A449 was going to be re-routed through the centre of Moseley brought a general whoop of joy. Although Moseley residents have been happy with the service that the A435 has provided through the centre of the Village it has caused quite a degree of concern that the road simply doesn’t match the local telephone code. This simple act by the Highways Department will not only aid the more forgetful Moseley residents but it will undoubtedly attract a great deal of tourism to the area. Particularly those tourists with a keen interest in local area codes. It isn’t all good news though with certain residents of Wolverhampton complaining that the gesture will in mean that the entire city has to move half a mile east of its present location just to please some pampered middle class brummies. On the other hand the people of Kidderminster are quite pleased because they apparently don’t really like it where they are at the moment. Eye on Moseley applauds this foresight and the balance it will no doubt bring.
An unseemly row seems to have broken out between the residents of Kings Heath, Moseley and Balsall Heath as a result of the recent opening of the “Corridor of Death” (please note nobody actually died). Residents of the various areas are up in arms concerning who actually suffered the most damage. The Moseley Forum shouted at us “Kings Heath? Are you having a laugh? A crap bakers and an old church isn’t real damage. Have you seen the weather hell that we lived through? Have you walked Oxford Road? You certainly can’t drive down it.” The Balsall Heath Forum has been incensed by these baseless accusations. They responded in an irritated tone “How many houses were destroyed in Moseley? I’ll tell you, none, well certainly not more than five. We don’t have many left.” Police are now concerned that residents are taking matters into their own hands to provide further evidence of destruction. A spokesman told us “We are worried that certain groups of residents are actually causing more damage in a surreal tit for tat spat over who suffered the most damage. There have been reports of chainsaw wielding Moseleyites taking to the streets in the dead of night to cut even more trees down. This has to stop. Not only is it dangerous but it is also particularly silly”. The havoc caused by natures clear disgust with the people of South Birmingham is not entirely bad news. A spokesman for Birmingham City Council told us “The one good […]
One of Moseley’s more surreal episodes came to fruition yesterday with the final implementation of the Moseley Alcohol Free Gnome. Although the legislation was not exactly what had originally been intended it will certainly make a contribution to the national debate on substance misuse. It had been envisaged that the centre of Moseley would be declared a place of abstention and probity but due to a minor disaster in the legislative process a completely different bye-law was passed. A minor official in the Councils law department told us “Well I suppose some of it is my fault. It was my birthday you see and you know how it is, a few pills, a bit of coke and needless to say Monday morning I wasn’t exactly at the top of my game. To be honest though you’d have thought someone would have noticed before they passed the bloody thing.” The local police told us “We have to say that we are disappointed with the way that the legislation has developed but I’ve had a word with the lads and we’ve decided that we’re going to pull together and make sure the little fellah doesn’t touch a drop.” As yet it is not unknown whether the legislation purely applies to Gnomes. Under a broader interpretation it may also apply to both dwarves and leprechauns. This is for the courts to decide.
Moseley residents have known for many years that going into Birmingham on a Saturday night is a dangerous course of action, but you don’t usually expect to get blown up by some sort of bomb. A local girl, who’s identity must be protected for National Security reasons, suffered such a fate on Saturday night. Whilst minding her own business in Birmingham’s bustling town centre, she was surprised to see an old Audi explode before her very eyes. The resultant trauma has now permanently given her a fixed look of surprise. After this harrowing event she joked to us “I know you have to watch those old Audi’s, but you usually only expect the head gasket to go, or even the exhaust to fall off.” Since the terrorist attack, she has achieved a certain degree of media celebrity, even being asked to give an exclusive interview to “Central News”. When questioned on the reasons behind the attack she told us, “My supportive stance of the Good Friday Agreement has long been known and this looks like another example of men of violence attempting to achieve their ends through non-democratic means.” Although the police believe she was not the intended target, they have warned that it might not be a good idea to be too vocal about the current Israeli/Palestinian conflict. The one good bit of news to result from this terrifying event is that Birmingham City Council have now recognised the urgent need for professional eye witnesses. In a pilot program, […]
The continued tensions between the Sandford Road Massive and the Chantry Road Mafia recently resulted in more violence in central Moseley. The two groups have harboured mutual resentment since early April when the Sandford Road Massive began tearing up and down Chantry Road on skateboards taunting local residents large houses. A Chantry Road resident told us “It’s juvenile, we know we’ve got big houses, there’s no need to rub it in.” Matters escalated shortly before the Moseley festival. Sandford Road resident John Sunday was sitting on the village green with some friends when he was set upon by the Chantry Road Mafia. He told us “I was minding my own business when these people started dissing my bitch. I don’t stand for that.” The resulting clash with machetes left three residents in hospital and a large cleaning bill for Birmingham City Council. Emergency measures were taken to clean the blood from the streets. Council officials told us “With the festival imminent steps had to be taken. We realised the eyes of the world would be on Moseley over the bank holiday weekend and we couldn’t let extreme acts of violence deter the crowds.” In a sickening revenge attack the Sandford Road Massive attempted to “torch” the Chantry Road tennis club on the morning of the festival. A representative of the Massive told us “They’re so smug with their tennis club and they’re whiter than white….er whites. It’s time they felt the cold hand of vengeance.” The inferno was swiftly put […]
As any Moseley resident knows the two subjects that get everyone talking are old people and traffic calming measures. A recently leaked briefing from the Highways Department of Birmingham City Council shows how Moseley will shortly be at the forefront of both problems. Moseley, long known for it’s willingness to carry out any crazy plan is to be the testbed for a new system of traffic calming. The proposal was thought up when a local civil engineer noticed how willing Moseley residents were to attach the names of thier recently deceased loved ones to things like trees and benches. The idea is to take the recently dead and use them in the construction of speed bumps. This has the dual function of slowing down traffic and leaving a very real testament to the community these people gave so much for. In a brutally frank outburst a representative of the Highways Department told us “You’re hardly going to go tooling it down a road where your mate’s gran is buried, are you?” The move has been widely criticised by groups that represent the dead and anyone who knows anything about setting things on firm foundations.