Tits Amazing

4 08 2005


Moseley was once again rocked to it’s very core by the news that a new fully functioning Lap Dancing club was about to open. The news came as a bolt from the blue to normally conservative Moseley and provoked angry mutterings and hissy fits all round. The club was originally meant to be called “StingFellahs” but after an injunction was granted to ageing pervert Peter Stringfellow a new more “revealing” name was needed. Unable to think of a better one the management had to settle for the somewhat bland “Sensations”.

The star studded opening of Sensations was reported to have attracted celebrities from as far away as Small Heath and Northfield. Though not strictly in Moseley it has caused a degree of indignation amongst Moseley’s clergy. A hastily convened committee somewhat improbably called “Christians Undermine Naked Tits” has been set the task of looking into this new menace and finding an uncompromising solution. A local vicar told us “In an attempt to assess the moral danger of this place I have received a number of used tenners from our parishioners.” His flock has commended the fearless reverend saying “It’s great what he’s doing, I don’t know about you but the prospect of spending a night watching young nubile women gyrating hypnotically to music whilst you have to shove money in their pants is not my idea of fun.” The initial visit proved to be inconclusive and after securing further funds he will return tonight and probably tomorrow.

Although we doubt such a club will be successful on the edge of Balsall Heath we do think it’s indicative of the Moseley spirit that there is at last a place where women can be treated with respect and earn a few bob.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: ,
Categories : Story

Communication Breakdown

4 08 2005


In this time of growing world tension, the Moseley Society has been forced to take what can only be called, “drastic action”. We have received classified information that the shadowy paramilitary wing of the Moseley Society has, once again, been called into action.

Using funds that had previously been put aside for the “cider fountain” on the village green, the Society have built a state of the art listening post on the corner of Wake Green Road. Using equipment supplied by the CIA, the Moseley Society has the ability to listen to every phone call and read every E-mail that is sent in Greater Moseley. The rational behind this is that only an intelligence led operation can prevent an insurrection from Balsall Heath or local residents thinking un-Moseley thoughts.

One of the special operations officers for the Moseley Society told us, “So you like your freedom round here do you? Well it comes at a price you know. We hear everything you know. There was this bloke up King Edward Road and we heard him telling his mate that the Village Green was a bit shit. Broke his fucking legs.”

Local civil rights activists were recently up in arms about this latest development but unfortunately all of them seem to have moved away now. Although we don’t condone this blatant invasion of privacy we do recognise that freedom must be protected and if it takes a man with a baseball bat and a big listening post to do it, so be it.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Story

We Don’t Want Your Money

4 08 2005


With a dramatic fanfare of apathy the new Lidl Superstore opened it’s doors this month. With it’s dramatic selection of european food it expects to dominate the diets of all Balsall Heath and Moseley residents within the next three months.

But it’s not all rosey in this Mecca of suburban food shopping. Many local residents have left the store in varying states of confusion. One less than happy shopper told us “It’s shit, all the labels are foreign. I went to get some disinfectant and I ended up with a load of profiteroles. I can’t clean my floor with these. They’re quite nice though.”

There has also been a lot of concern about the environmental damage the store has created. When seriously prompted a local trader told us “That used to be a lovely patch of waste ground. In the summer stray dogs used to muck about there, it was beautiful”, wiping a tear from his eye he added “It was also handy for dumping rubbish on , I have to pay to have it taken away now.”

In the interests of journalism we sent one of our reporters to Lidl to find out what the score is and to get something for dinner. The results were less than satisfactory. In an attempt to fit into the local area Lidl have adopted the Kwik Save policy of two tills open at one time. Very handy if you’re paying the staffs wages, not to handy if you need to get home in time for Neighbours. Then to cap it all (you’re not going to believe this) they don’t take cheques. Our reporter eventually left the store despondent and hungry.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Story

The Drums…They’ve Stopped…

4 08 2005

Our regular readers will remember an article describing the supernatural sound of drums, that permeated the air of our quiet, local high street, every Thursday night.

Although for many of us these sounds were un-nerving, I believe that none of us ever felt threatened by these strange noises. Now, however, in scenes eerily reminiscent of the old Tarzan movies, the drums have stopped, and Moseley is waiting with bated breath to see what will happen now. Historically speaking, when the drums stop, bad things ensue… Are we to be descended on by the Deliverance-style Banjo Boys of King’s Heath ? Or by the cannibalistic humanoid underground dweller’s (C.H.U.D.) of Balsall Heath ?

What the HELL is going to happen to us ?


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags:
Categories : Story

Road Kill

4 08 2005


In a scene reminiscent of the seminal 70′s film “Convoy” Moseley was plunged into traffic chaos over the Easter weekend. A lorry pursued by the police was only brought to a halt after the intervention of a civically minded resident. The driver, showing a lack of understanding of Britain’s regional construction, believed that if he reached the state line with Balsall Heath the police would no longer be able to follow him. A representative of the police told us “It’s not always like Police, Camera, Action or the Dukes of Hazard you know. You see all these magic things on the tele but at the end of the day sometimes you need a selfless individual to throw themselves in the road.” As the lorry careered down Alcester Road a local resident, realising the danger to children and animals alike, decided to take matters into his own hands.

The man who doesn’t want to be named for reasons of anonymity said, “I saw it coming like a freight train of death and realised there was only one thing I could do. So I threw myself at it. I was quite lucky really, when most people dive under lorries they usually end up a lifeless bloody pulp. I did hurt my head a bit though.”

The lorry driver was obviously surprised by Moseley residents’ slightly literal approach to traffic calming and is now helping the police with their enquiries.

We at Eye on Moseley would like to salute this plucky individual and to this end we will be having a whip round to replace the bottle of cider that was cruelly spilled in the carnage.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: ,
Categories : Story

Moseley Not as Hard as it Used to Be

4 08 2005

Moseley street criminals were said to be despondant yesterday about the sudden dip in local crime. A hastily convened meeting of social misfits looked at ways that this worrying trend can be redressed. The initiatives discussed were banding together in Mad Max style groups and a rigorous policy of shop lifting.

One local criminal who was just released from a “stretch” in the “Green” said, “I used to be proud to say I came from Moseley, you used to be able to deal drugs openly in Woodbridge Road and there was even a stabbing in the Fighting Cocks once. Now whenever I see my mates in Kings Heath they laugh and call me hippy boy.”

We challenged the Police on what they were going to do to help this under priviledged group and they said “You are joking aren’t you, first you tell us you want less crime, now you want more. Why don’t they go and get jobs like everybody else?”

In an impassioned speech at the meeting a spokesman said “In Balsall Heath they have guns and crack whore’s, the only rocks you can get round here are the healing kind.”

Last night there was a glimmer of hope after it was announced that the council will be installing CCTV through out Balsall Heath. With a bit of luck and a trailing wind the new system might displace crime to Moseley.


Comments : Leave a Comment »
Tags: , , , ,
Categories : Story