Bring Me The Head Of Dulux Stein…

4 08 2005


Now we’ve been away for a while, but don’t believe any of what you heard. We’ve never even heard of “dogging” and as if someone would do that to a van full of coppers.
While we’ve been away, things around here…well, they’ve gone astray somewhat. I mean, how else can we explain the presence of a Consol Scumcenter and a village practically devoid of drunks.
But Daddy’s back now, and he’s going to take his naughty children in hand. So as I heft the weight of my leather spankin’ strap in one hand, my eyes rove around Moseley, like the great and fiery Eye Of Sauron, and then they fix on one, most worthy, candidate for punishment.

Dulux Stein.

So, Mr Stein. Where do we begin?

You are writing for B13, the LEAST subversive, controversial and interesting magazine ever published. Your sub-E.O.M droolings make me sick. It’s like watching a crowd beat and poke a special needs person into performing “The Birdie Song” for them. Have you no pride? It’s a horrifying situation to behold, akin to witnessing Joe Pasquale, the helium-throated comedy infant, writing jokes for Tipper Gore or Rush Limbaugh.

And the most appalling thing is that you so obviously crave the discerning mass audience of Eye on Moseley, but you know, deep down, we would never take you.

There is only room for two separate and distinct media publications in Moseley. The be-tweeded Hobbits of B13 with their poetry pages and their history of Brummie hedgehogs and the bitter bile issued forth by our own true selves. There is no crossover. They don’t do funny, anymore than we do factual.

So you must die.

I formally declare that we will grant the key to Moseley and free access to Willy for one week, to the woman or man that brings me the head of Dulux Stein, on a silver platter. Do your duty, Moseley-ites.


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Appetite For Destruction

4 08 2005


Terror hit the West Midlands last night as Moseley was shaken to it’s very core by a devastating earthquake. Many residents sat bolt upright in bed and said things like “What was that?” as they were gripped by the phenomenon that is already been written into local folklore as “Ol’ Shakey”.

The extensive damage sustained involved some plants falling on their sides and even a shed on Sandford Road that is now showing a distinct list. The Moseley Forum has called on all residents to pull together and go round and see old people and stuff.

In a hastily convened press conference this morning a spokesperson for the Forum said “We can all thank god that it wasn’t much much worse. But at the end of the day, now is the time for the people of Armenia and India to put their money where their mouth is and cough up the cash we need to rebuild out tattered community. Although we might not have suffered much visible damage the on-going ramifications of this disaster are almost incalculable. For example Mr Sai found it very difficult to get back to sleep last night and as a result some people were unable to buy a paper this morning. So we, the Moseley Forum, say to the people of the third world, get your hands in your pockets and give us what’s due. I thank you.”

It is believed that a disaster special edition of B13 magazine will be in the shops by Wednesday and will feature a new editor, interviews with the rescue services and exclusive pictures of builders trying to fix the shed. All this and the usual features about gardens and “lady vicars” that we all know and love.

On a lighter note, it was a relief to see that Moseley’s Civil Defence Contingency worked like a dream. Notable Moseley celebrities such as Mr Nima and Councillor Bryan Knott were taken to a secure location where they would be able to maintain continuity of local government in case of total civil collapse. Though unfortunately before the limited scale of the shock was realised, Martin Mullaney had already volunteered to be beheaded and his head cryogenically frozen in order to protect treasured memories of Moseley as was. Doctors are expected to try and thaw him out and put him back together again later today.


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Boringham 13?

4 08 2005


When B13 Magazine editor, Neil Hillman, found it hard to get local residents to look at his organ, he was left with a tricky choice. The alternatives were obviously more cracking stories about people’s gardens or a direct attack on two local residents. The unfortunate local residents had made the fatal mistake of criticising the worth of Moseley’s second most vital news source. This criticism invoked the wrath of Mr Hillman and brought down the full weight of his editorial might on their unsuspecting heads.

B13 Magazine has been going through a bit of a rocky patch over the last five or six years due to it’s reluctance to accept the fact that not everybody lives on Chantry Road. Although some people like endless stories about Percy Harrison (no we don’t know who he is either) or how much a house cost on Tudor Road in 1975, some people think it might be about time there was a more representative source of local news.

We would like to say to you that criticism of B13 Magazine is unfair because it is produced by a dedicated team of volunteers, but then we noticed that it costs 50p, which is in very real terms two packets of Rizla. Therefore we think it should be open to the same level of criticism as a copy of the Guardian or a cheap can of Coke.

It is claimed that very few people have complained about the torrid content of this periodical so we thought (in the spirit of goodwill) it would be nice to encourage you to pass on your comments to Mr Hillman directly. So send your comments to B13 and tell them exactly how we can pull together to make a better place for everyone. Or tell them you want more jokes about wanking, it’s worked for us.


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King’s Heath… On The Moon?

4 08 2005


Over the last year and a half the Eye On Moseley staff have received numerous local awards for our courageous (and occasionally dangerous) forays into the world of investigative reporting. Any regular reader of our sporadic interweb-based, news-zine will remember such classic exposes as “Yoghurt Rifle”, “Electric Cool Aid Cider Test” and “Nice Hole”. And it looks like we may have uncovered the most sinister plot yet conceived by King’s Heathens against fair Moseley.

Only the most carefully trained eyes will have noted the gradual disappearance of Moseley’s leading scientists. Physicists, mathematicians and other assorted clever heads have been unused in Moseley society since the sad departure of the “Local Scientists” column in B13 magazine. Resentment against Moseley and its people has been high since the not so popular feature was dropped and a trickle of defectors has now become a flood. But where is this “river” of scientists flowing to? And why?

We can tell you. They’re going to the moon. In rockets. Moon rockets. At the order of “The Kings Heath Council For The Annexation And Subsequent Enslavement Of Moseley” (K.H.C.A.E.M ). Needless to say we were shocked to discover the existence of such an organisation. And were more shocked to discover how they intend to annexe and enslave us.
The gravitational pull of Kings Heath on Earth is exactly the same as Moseley . This is easy to understand. However, the creation of a second Kings Heath on the moon, in a geo-stationary position above the original Kings Heath, creates an effect known as “abstract gravity”. This results in a doubling of the gravity between the two points, this extra gravity can then be stored in a “Farce field” (similar to the “force fields” in popular science fiction, but less likely ). Who knows how they will utilise this against us? Can we wait to find out?

Even now major Kings Heath businesses such as McDonalds , International Stock and Safeway are financing the huge costs of travelling to the moon, in the hope of being the first shops to ply their trade there. When we pointed out to them that the moon’s resident population is relatively low, which might lead to comparatively poor sales, they replied “If there are no retail outlets, and no comestible purveyors, why should we expect the people of Kings Heath to take their purchasing power to the moon?”. When we pointed out to the same local businesses that there was a shortage of both “retail outlets” and “comestible purveyors” because there was no fucking Oxygen, because it’s the fucking moon, they eventually replied (after some hushed and frantic conversation) “Oh.”

We carried out a straw poll of King’s Heathens who just happened to be “out and about”, on whether or not they would consider going to a McDonalds on the moon. 84% replied “Ooh… yes bab.”, 9% replied “You what? A McDonalds on the moon… Get out of it” and 7% replied “Would there be parking?”

We polled the same people on a second question “Would you still go to McDonalds on the moon, bearing in mind that it doesn’t have any Oxygen?”, to which 100% replied “Oxy what?”
It just goes to show that we have nothing to fear from Kings Heathens, at least until they get round to pulling their finger out.


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Moseley Struck by Strong Pound

4 08 2005


Inflation has struck Moseley in the last week and left the High Street looking like a scene from 1920′s Germany. The first indications that the Moseley fiscal policy is out of control were noticed when the new edition of “B13 Magazine” hit the newsagents. The previously good value publication has increased it’s cover price from 30p to a massive 50p showing an increase in real terms of 20p. This move was apparently prompted by the worrying world paper shortage. Sources reporting to our financial desk have made us aware that this is not the complete story. The sudden price rises seen across Moseley are in fact the implementation of a council sponsored gentrification policy for Moseley. In a leaked document prepared for the council we discovered the council wish to “keep Moseley for local people but at the same time get a better class of local people.”

Further indications can be seen in the newly proposed bye law for banning drinking on the village green :-

Article 7.A.1 The consumption of alcohol within the area defined as the “Village Green” shall be prohibited, subject to penalty, unless parties are in possession of a cheeky Chianti or a soft, fruity Chardonnay

These measures will hopefully deter all but the most discerning street drinkers.

This further information does prompt the question of where the extra money is going once it leaves our pockets. An insider from the council told us “They have formed a regional development agency for the Balsall Heath area called Hookers & Coke Ltd” Apparently all money gained by this agency will be used to rehouse those who can no longer afford to live in Moseley.


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Give Us Back Our Scientists

4 08 2005


A diplomatic storm was a brewin’ last week after shock stories of kidnapping and deceit emerged. Kings Heath residents claim that individuals in Moseley have been stealing their scientists. The diabolical human trade was uncovered when Birmingham University noticed its cybernetics department had gone. A representative of the university told us “We only noticed last month, the whole department had gone. Well not the building, but the staff have vanished. They all used to live in a big house together in Kings Heath but they’ve all gone. They’d been gone quite a while if all the copies of the New Scientist outside were anything to go by.”

The so-called “Kings Heath Brain Drain” began a few years ago with theft of a Mr C Daniels a research scientist who lived in Silver Street. It also co-incided with the third edition of Birmingham 13 Magazine’s “Moseley Scientist” column. A friend of Mr Daniels said, “I thought it was strange I saw Birmingham 13 Magazine and it had an interview with a Professor Nathaniels, he looked like Charlie, apart from the large rubber nose.”

An insider at Birmingham 13 Magazine told us “I don’t know how we got so involved. The Moseley Scientists column was so popular with our readers we didn’t have the heart to tell them we’d run out of scientists, so we decided to borrow a couple.” He added “It’s easy, you just go to the Prince of Wales and get them talking about Chaos Theory and then drug their beer. My mates got a van, so we can get them to the lock up on Chantry Road.”

At this time it is not known how many of the traumatised scientists survive the notoriously probing interview style of the Birmingham 13 journalists.


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