The despicable practice of racing old gentlemen down the Alcester Road now appears to have reached epidemic proportions. Every morning hordes of the elderly can be seen puffing their way down the hill, each striving to have the accolade of the first to Select and Save. The horrifying consequence of this unseemly behaviour is that some have been seen to beat their way through the crowds of children gathered outside King David’s School. It appears that the original idea for competitive geriatric racing was the brainchild of the Highbury Nursing Home. A representative of the home told us this morning “Everyone knows what a horrible burden the elderly are on the rest of us. What with their lack of adequate pension schemes and obsession with boiled sweets. We see this as a way of not only harnessing their limited energy but also giving them something meaningful to fill their days with.” Some have criticised the home for not employing appropriate safeguards for the saintly old souls. The home defended it’s position in a further statement “It is true, that last year the starting pistol gave old Tom a bit of a flashback to his time in Dunkirk but to be fair he’s unlikely to ever see the sea again so there was no real harm done.” The Moseley Forum are now looking into the viability of erecting large cushioned barriers outside of the Salisbury in order to catch any errant gents that cannot address their pace. Some say this might […]
The increasing problem of homelessness is a concern for residents of Moseley and demands a radical solution. A recent meeting of the plethora of forums and societies that make up Moseley Village seem to have finally found a solution. The solution, uncovered by Eye on Moseley, was hidden in an obscure item on the agenda of the last Moseley Forum meeting. The section cryptically labelled “Project A” proposes that anyone that “doesn’t look right” be rounded up with wild dogs and cut down with scythes. Amazingly the motion was passed and tenders for adequate disposal sites were invited. The sinister “House of Death” on Alcester Road easily outbid competition from O’Neils and Little Italy and wasawarded the contract. The dying screams of recent visitors is said to irritate local residents but the heat from the pyres has provided a cheap source of heating for St David’s Primary School.
A Moseley wide manhunt began last week after, local celebrity and children’s favourite, Noddy went missing from Kwik Save. The little bloke was last seen tooling it down Alcester Road forcing pedestrians and beggars to run for their lives. A traumatised pensioner told us “He was like a maniac, he just laughed and laughed and laughed. I’m sure he was going for my ankles. I blame the kids, I’m not sure why but they must have something to do with it.” This glib assessment turned out to be shockingly accurate. Noddy’s recently appointed social worker told us “Noddy has suffered years of mental abuse at the hands of some of Moseley’s younger residents. This has resulted in him slipping into a fantasy world where he believes he lives in a so-called “Toyland” with his life partner “Big Ears”. This wanton destruction is effectively a deadly cry for help.” Police successfully managed to corner Noddy’s little yellow car at the top of King Edward Road where his lack of local knowledge had forced him to a stop. Now returned to his proper place in Kwik Save he is under constant supervision from the manager who told us yesterday “That’s one cartoon character I won’t be letting out of my sight in a hurry. It’s funny, it’s only when something’s gone that you realise it’s true worth.” Yes quite.
Last Friday saw a stampede of hungry people racing through the centre of Moseley after unconfirmed rumours that the Evergreen Chinese takeaway were selling nice food. A local man told us “I was a bit hammered and I thought I’d get some food. Whenever I go in the Evergreen I only get chips ’cause well you can’t get them wrong can you? Anyway I don’t know what came over me but I really fancied some Chop Suey, so I got some and it was like, really nice. It sort of tasted Chinese. I’d always thought Chinese food was covered in grease and salt but apparently not.” This shock revelation has seen massive queues forming on Alcester Road in the fear that this culinary improvement might only be a temporary change. The situation has also caused consternation on Woodbridge Road where the Royal Naweed curry house has realised they too might have to start producing edible food.
In our first major coup as a shambolic, irrelevant but deeply local news service, we can reveal that the local economy will receive a massive, unexpected boost from a controversial source…the Germans. In an eerie continuation of the Eye’s (and Eye’s subscribers) penchant for all things German, we can reveal that a big screen remake of Thunderbirds is go, with the backing of the glorious Fatherland. Furthermore, the feature will be set and cast in the Moseley area. Evidence for the story is strong, with our quality photographers snapping this picture only yesterday on the Alcester Road, Birmingham’s own version of the Sunset Boulevard. The photograph fuels speculation that, rather than go with a straight adaptation of the pint-sized puppet show, the Germans are going for a more human angle. The show will retain all the characters, but they will be displaced into a harrowing snapshot of the second world war. We have gleaned from sources that the film will be shot entirely in black and white, and will more than likely receive an 18 certificate, due to it’s harrowing portrayal of Lady Penelope’s involvement in an orgy with the Tracy brothers. It is currently filming under the working title of “Donnerbirten : Blitzkrieg” and it is believed that our own Willy may have snapped up the role of Parker.
In a scene reminiscent of the seminal 70’s film “Convoy” Moseley was plunged into traffic chaos over the Easter weekend. A lorry pursued by the police was only brought to a halt after the intervention of a civically minded resident. The driver, showing a lack of understanding of Britain’s regional construction, believed that if he reached the state line with Balsall Heath the police would no longer be able to follow him. A representative of the police told us “It’s not always like Police, Camera, Action or the Dukes of Hazard you know. You see all these magic things on the tele but at the end of the day sometimes you need a selfless individual to throw themselves in the road.” As the lorry careered down Alcester Road a local resident, realising the danger to children and animals alike, decided to take matters into his own hands. The man who doesn’t want to be named for reasons of anonymity said, “I saw it coming like a freight train of death and realised there was only one thing I could do. So I threw myself at it. I was quite lucky really, when most people dive under lorries they usually end up a lifeless bloody pulp. I did hurt my head a bit though.” The lorry driver was obviously surprised by Moseley residents’ slightly literal approach to traffic calming and is now helping the police with their enquiries. We at Eye on Moseley would like to salute this plucky individual and […]